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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these groups of men in the park are a bit weird

243 replies

SinoAZ · 15/07/2021 04:55

I'm not in the UK so I guess there's cultural expectations that might be different but I'm British and would like to know what other British mums think/how you'd react to this. Do people even do this in the UK?

Since restrictions lifted I've been taking my 18 month old DD to the park. We used to go before restrictions and we'd see old people walking, other families etc and sometimes chat to them. Now because of continuing restrictions there are lots of people not working so there are largeish groups of young men who hang around the park (maybe 6 or 7 of them). They sit at the picnic benches or swing on the swings which of course is fine, it's a nice place to be. But they keep shouting at my DD. They'll call out to her "hello baby girl" repeatedly and wave and make faces/silly noises which, to me, just feels a bit inappropriate. Like yes say hello/wave to her if she comes near you but to shout so repeatedly makes me uncomfortable.

DH says they're harmless and probably just miss their own kids (I think they're immigrants like me but will have come to work here and left their families in their home country). I don't feel threatened by them at all but I can't help feel that they wouldn't be shouting at her if she was with DH and it feels like that male entitlement to women's time/attention again. AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable with this?

Maybe it's just a lifetime of experiences like this with men colouring my view but I hate that expectation that when a man wants to speak to you he can be so insistent and refuse to take no for an answer. I don't want that to be happening to my daughter before she's even two.

Sorry that was long, a bit of a vent as well as an AIBU.

OP posts:
araiwa · 15/07/2021 04:57

Wtf are you on about? Male entitlement? For being friendly to a baby? Jesus wept

araiwa · 15/07/2021 05:01

A woman said hello to me this morning at work.

What is it with femal entitlement to my time and demanding a response from me. I hate the expectation of women demanding I interact with them

MajesticWhine · 15/07/2021 05:01

It does sound a bit odd and a bit over the top. Like they have never seen a toddler in the park before. I don't particularly like grown men playing on the swings. Perhaps you are right and they would not do that if your DH took her - worth testing out?

Cazzovuoi · 15/07/2021 05:07

I know what you mean OP. Groups of males together (teenage and adult ones) are intimidating and you’re right that as women it can be scary to think about ignoring them or telling them to leave you alone, no matter how nice they’re being.

It’s an undercurrent of potential danger and risk.

Original poster
SinoAZ · 15/07/2021 05:07

It's not that they're saying hello, we say hello to loads of people during the day (men and women). It's how insistent and repetitive it is. Like yeah say hello or wave once or twice if we're nearby or whatever but to keep shouting over and over when she's just playing and doing her own thing? Bit much imo.

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Original poster
SinoAZ · 15/07/2021 05:17

@MajesticWhine

It does sound a bit odd and a bit over the top. Like they have never seen a toddler in the park before. I don't particularly like grown men playing on the swings. Perhaps you are right and they would not do that if your DH took her - worth testing out?
Yes, I think it would be interesting to test out. I suspect they wouldn't be so over the top but that's based on my own experience of levels of catcalling when he's with me vs when he's not, not sure it can be extrapolated to a baby though. He's wfh tomorrow so hopefully will have some time. He normally takes her to another park which ironically I don't go to because it's too isolated and I feel unsafe!
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fourminutestosavetheworld · 15/07/2021 05:17

I guess they are there out of boredom and wanting to socialise outdoors at no cost. I agree that one greeting is sufficient unless your dc is approaching them or very close, looking over or waving. To continually seek to attract her attention is rather odd and I'd find it quite annoying too, as you yourself can't ignore them if they're interacting with your dd. I doubt there are any sinister motives, but it's annoying. Whether they'd do it to your dh or not, I don't know. Get him to take her to see whether they react differently? Is there another park?

fourminutestosavetheworld · 15/07/2021 05:18

X posted.

Rumplestrumpet · 15/07/2021 05:19

Ignore the posters above who don't get where you're coming from. I totally understand what you mean - like saying hello is not enough, they want you/your daughter to continue to respond, possibly alter what you're doing to be responsive, engage with them. It's hard to explain but I think you do so quite well.
I think you should see how they react when your husband is there and perhaps when alone just try to have the confidence (or fake it) to say hello once then get on with your own thing and say "she's busy now" or similar. It would make me uncomfortable too

converseandjeans · 15/07/2021 05:27

YANBU
I find it odd that they're in the family play area and on the swings. It's for children. I don't think they should be calling out to toddler girls either. Which country are you in? It's not your problem if they are missing their family.

custardbear · 15/07/2021 05:34

Putting just normal friendly behaviours aside for a moment, is it a particularly bad area for child abductions? Just wondering if they're trying to familiarise themselves with local kids so if they did try to take a child the kids would believe they 'knew' them?

BlackberrySky · 15/07/2021 05:35

The behaviour is a bit odd but you are reading way too much into it with the leap to the male entitlement bit.

Original poster
SinoAZ · 15/07/2021 05:36

I'm in Malaysia. There are a few other parks but I like this one as it's very safe - barrier so she can't get to the road, no steep hills/banks, no monkeys, not too many mossies and not isolated. Plus there's parking right next to it - I can't manage a long walk right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SinoAZ · 15/07/2021 05:37

@custardbear

Putting just normal friendly behaviours aside for a moment, is it a particularly bad area for child abductions? Just wondering if they're trying to familiarise themselves with local kids so if they did try to take a child the kids would believe they 'knew' them?
No, I don't think child abductions are common. If they were it wouldn't be guys like this doing it either, I'm very sure of that.
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Original poster
SinoAZ · 15/07/2021 05:41

The most notorious child abuser in this country was actually a British guy...and he targeted vulnerable, underprivileged children of which there are sadly a lot.

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HappySwordMaker · 15/07/2021 05:42

Can you give us some idea of where the men might be from. I’m used to people from different cultures being “over familiar” with my children (compared to what is a cultural-norm in British cultures) - their hair stroked, picked up, offered food, comments on their appearance etc. I have middle eastern, East Asian & Filipino and South American friends/associates that do this. It doesn’t bother me. But it goes without saying that young children should be closely supervised anyway so I wouldn’t worry too much. Adults shouldn’t be at a playground tho and that’s a separate issue.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 15/07/2021 05:44

It’s strange for a group of adult men to hang around a kids playground. And even stranger that they keep calling your daughter. Most people will smile and may say hello if a child approaches them, that’s friendly and kind, but to continue to call your daughter, that’s just weird and annoying.

It’s most likely to be nothing sinister, but to the pp who implied it normal, do your male (or female for that matter) relatives act like this? Mine certainly do not. It’s not normal behaviour. Also, good men realise that they can be intimidating to women, and so wouldn’t dream of acting like this.

Send your daughter with your husband and see what happens as others have said. If they don’t do it, maybe next time go with your husband and daughter. Maybe seeing you ‘with a man’ (god, hate that I have to say that !) will mean that from then on they’ll leave you alone when it just you and your daughter.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 15/07/2021 05:49

I think as you're in Malaysia there is certainly a different cultural element going on!

Are you visually obviously not ethnically Malay nor Chinese?

Anyone who's been out in ordinary non tourist resort areas in Malaysia as a relatively young woman not accompanied by a man knows that there most certainly is a tendency for men to try in a very bold, unsubtle way to get attention from any young woman out without a man, and foreign looking women especially. Its not agressive or threatening in Malaysia in my experience - unlike some countries - but it's certainly persistent in a way some posters probably can barely imagine!

Its pretty central to your post to mention the cultural element SinoAZ

EveryoneElseDoes · 15/07/2021 05:54

I'm completely with you. I make no comment about the culture there but, here, if a group of men were sitting on the swings and repeatedly calling over to my child from a distance to try to get their attention while they were playing, I would consider it rude, weird and harassing behaviour.

Maybe they realise it's intimidating and self-centred, maybe they don't, but if it was continuous or more than a one off in the UK I would probably call the police to put it on their radar or maybe come and have a word.

Uramaki · 15/07/2021 06:03

Sounds really intimidating

Original poster
SinoAZ · 15/07/2021 06:12

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

I think as you're in Malaysia there is certainly a different cultural element going on!

Are you visually obviously not ethnically Malay nor Chinese?

Anyone who's been out in ordinary non tourist resort areas in Malaysia as a relatively young woman not accompanied by a man knows that there most certainly is a tendency for men to try in a very bold, unsubtle way to get attention from any young woman out without a man, and foreign looking women especially. Its not agressive or threatening in Malaysia in my experience - unlike some countries - but it's certainly persistent in a way some posters probably can barely imagine!

Its pretty central to your post to mention the cultural element SinoAZ

I did mention in my original post and replies that there are cultural elements. I don't think the fact I and DD look foreign makes the behaviour any more acceptable or ok though.

Lucky you to not have experienced threatening or aggressive behaviour. I have and in my experience it often, though not always, starts off with the inocuous behaviour I guess you're referring to. Makes that behaviour seem not so benign anymore.

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MoreAloneTime · 15/07/2021 06:15

I wouldn't like this

Cooldryplace · 15/07/2021 06:20

I think it's really sad that men can't be friendly to a child, without it seeming weird.

My grandad was lovely with children and would have other people's little ones climbing all over him wherever we went. When my dad, who's also lively with children, collected my DC from school, he would arrive at the very last minute because he felt so uncomfortable "loitering" around a school Sad

FortunesFave · 15/07/2021 06:20

What nationality are these men? I remember in Italy, both men and women were very effusive about my DDs. One waitress walked around the restaurant with DD1 for quite some time....it was a family type restaurant and I wasn't at all worried. She was just loving a baby in the place...her Grandmother came down to see DD and sat with her next to me for a while. The men in shops would also give her sweets...the counter assistants you know.

Original poster
SinoAZ · 15/07/2021 06:22

@EveryoneElseDoes

I'm completely with you. I make no comment about the culture there but, here, if a group of men were sitting on the swings and repeatedly calling over to my child from a distance to try to get their attention while they were playing, I would consider it rude, weird and harassing behaviour.

Maybe they realise it's intimidating and self-centred, maybe they don't, but if it was continuous or more than a one off in the UK I would probably call the police to put it on their radar or maybe come and have a word.

Yeah in the UK I'd feel much more confident. Here there's language and cultural barriers so I'll not say/do anything as long as they're not threatening, which they're not. I'm glad to know I'm not being totally ridiculous for not feeling comfortable with it though.
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