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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exes and DSC

190 replies

Saveit · 14/07/2021 14:43

Following several threads on here about first wives, step children and the tsunamis of hate towards step mums, anyone else want to raise their hands with me and say that factoring in DSC, exes and the often ridiculous demands is bloody hard work?!

How dare we have more children with a man who’s obviously fucked over his first family and clearly isn’t fit to be a father! HmmHow selfish of us to sometimes not want to dance to the monotonous tune that the ex continually bangs. How evil to want to fight for the needs of our children, when surely this is all that the ex is wanting?

Before I get shot down, I don’t display these feelings in any way to DSC and they are made to feel most welcome in their home. I enjoy spending time with them and they get on really well with their half siblings. They have a great relationship with their dad too. However, we are allowed to secretly not want to play happy families every breathing moment and want some space from it all from time to time (like the time I was in early stages of labour and the ex kicked off because the weekend with the DSC had to be swapped. ‘But surely you’d want them there to share such a special time like childbirth. They’re old enough to experience such a special time…’ Confused)

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 14/07/2021 14:56

YABU. Sorry but that's why I wouldn't touch a man with children with a bargepole. They come with baggage and you have to suck it up

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/07/2021 14:56

We post about our own experiences.

Sadly for a large percentage of us those experiences are step parents resenting the kids, and seeing them as an optional hassle.

People who have had good experiences also post on those threads though.

You can feel the way you feel about the situation, but she is also entitled to feel pissed off that her plans had to change because you didn't get appropriate childcare in place for the kids when you were having a baby, like most of us have had to.

Original poster
Saveit · 14/07/2021 14:58

Appropriate childcare for teenagers?! Grin

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2021 15:00

This is such nonsense.

There are constant posts from women who have children with men who exhibit zero characteristics desirable in a partner or parent.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/07/2021 15:00

If they are teens then there was really a need to swap weekends Confused

Original poster
Saveit · 14/07/2021 15:04

So you’d want teens in the house when in Labour? Oh please!!

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/07/2021 15:05

I had my teens in the house when I was in labour, yes.

As I said, the kids aren't an optional extra.

Original poster
Saveit · 14/07/2021 15:16

Of course you did. Your kids. That’s up to you. For my subsequent births my parents took my other two children away with them the moment I was in labour….
So it’s appropriate for two teenage boys to be around a labouring woman who isn’t their mother, is it? That’s how they’d choose to spend their weekend, rather than at their mum’s house in such circumstances…

If we’re getting into the specifics of the weekend rota then the ex would change to suit herself, many, many times…

See, again, this is all very anti step parents. All such an inconvenience to the ex, who can change plans and dictate to the hilt, but when the boot is on the other foot…

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2021 15:22

If you want non-complicated arrangements then don’t have children with a man who already has them.

It is not easy or straightforward for anyone especially the kids.

If you aren’t willing to get the shitty end of the stick don’t do it.

By having children with a man who already has children you are tying yourself to a load of people whose behaviour you have zero control over.

You cannot influence the ex

So just don’t do it.

Ex partners are undoubtedly horrific sometimes. But that’s what you are stuck with if you get involved.

Justcallmebebes · 14/07/2021 15:25

I don't think it's a case of being anti step parent but there are sooo many threads from women who don't seem to have thought through the dynamics of taking on a man with kids. They are a package (or should be) and it's no good moaning after the event.

You can't cancel children from a previous relationship

Birkie248 · 14/07/2021 15:27

I wouldn’t want a relationship with a man with kids for these exact reasons. Too much to deal with and you will always come out the bad guy.

ElderButtFuckinNaked · 14/07/2021 15:28

I honestly would not go near a man who already had children, especially children from multiple relationships.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 14/07/2021 15:30

I'm as neutral as can be; not a mum or a stepmum, never had a stepmum, no opinions at all on "first wives" or stepmums in general.

And the trope of "tsunamis of hate towards step mums" on MN is total crap. Stepmothers do not get treated unfairly just because they're stepmothers. They're often told they're unreasonable (like mothers on AIBU...) because they're often being unreasonable.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/07/2021 15:31

For my subsequent births my parents took my other two children away with them the moment I was in labour….

Then it was up to your dh to arrange something for his kids if you went into labour on his time too.

I also never said it was OK for the ex to change and dictate things either Confused

I'm not anti step parent at all, I was one for long enough. I treated my step dc exactly as I would if they had been my own, including arranging babysitters or whatever I would have done with my own dc so that my life choices didn't impact the ex, as I'm also on the other side of this I know how fucking annoying it can be to have to change plans because of someone else.

chickenbasket · 14/07/2021 15:31

My mum and dad had a completely amicable relationship all the way through my childhood.
And my darling stepmother was still an arsehole. Now they're divorced my dad will admit that she didn't want me to be involved in "their" family holidays and days out. Yet she married someone with a daughter from a previous marriage. The woman defines evil step mum as far as I'm concerned.

topwings · 14/07/2021 15:32

I do think you're being unreasonable on the labour issue. You made alternative arrangements for your own children but just expected the step children's mother to sort them out. Why didn't their father make arrangements for them with his side of the family if you didn't want them in the house?

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2021 15:34

@chickenbasket

She sounds awful. But why did you dad entertain her for even 5 mins? If you have kids and someone isn’t interested then thar relationship is doomed.

Iwonder08 · 14/07/2021 15:34

MN is awful to step parents. It is a useful forum for many subject, but not this one. As a step parent according to MN you are supposed to prioritise your step-children's interests above everyone else's and should provide financial support for the ex above cms level until the children are ready to leave their family home even if they are mid 30

Littlepaws18 · 14/07/2021 15:34

This isn't a safe space for step moms. Being a step parent can at times be a mine field of issues and with all the good will in the world, too many are involved in decisions that wouldn't naturally spend any time together. So car crash ensues.

There are lots of times it works out lovely, but it's a very tricky dynamic to get right.

Sadly here isn't a place for support as the responses here suggest. Sadly it's a family dynamic that needs a lot of support and empathy.

chickenbasket · 14/07/2021 15:35

@Merryoldgoat same as many fathers do, a mixture of wanting a new family unit and thinking with his dick. I'm not making excuses for him, he has been a shitty dad as well.

cheninblanc · 14/07/2021 15:36

Absolutely it's hard factoring everyone's needs and wants in. But you should've arranged childcare or arrangements for the two children not expected her to pick up last minute because you were unorganised

HugeAckmansWife · 14/07/2021 15:37

It sounds like the dynamic has never been good and the situation with your labour might have been different had you previously been on good terms. Without knowing the circumstances of their break up, your getting together with him, whether he pays cms minimum or a decent share, whether your relationship impacted negatively on his interactions with their children none of us can know if she is a 'bitter ex wife' or a put upon, left to do all the day to day gruntwork single parent or something in between. It matters. You sound very angry, sarcastic and one sided. Maybe that is justified, maybe not but you're not really doing the reputation of step mothers any favours with your tone.

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2021 15:37

@Littlepaws18

I suspect one of the reasons is that there’s a whole host of us who were subjected to these blended families as we went through childhood and frankly lost patience with it all long ago.

Coming second to a parent who’s more interested in their new relationship and new family than the kids they already have.

It’s not all or every - I know that. But it’s a lot.

gogohm · 14/07/2021 15:37

I disagree. If you choose a partner who already has children then their needs have to be treated as equal to him as those of any children you have together. This includes keeping their schedule wherever possible, keeping maintenance payments fair etc.

I have my dp's dd living with us full time currently, I acknowledge the challenges but her needs are just as important as those of my dd who also lives full time here

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 14/07/2021 15:37

chickenbasket Flowers If she came on MN most people would tell her she was unreasonable, then people like the OP would come along saying, "Don't listen, the first wives club are out in force and MN is always biased against stepmothers." Not helpful.