Exes and DSC

[Saveit]

Following several threads on here about first wives, step children and the tsunamis of hate towards step mums, anyone else want to raise their hands with me and say that factoring in DSC, exes and the often ridiculous demands is bloody hard work?!

How dare we have more children with a man who’s obviously fucked over his first family and clearly isn’t fit to be a father! How selfish of us to sometimes not want to dance to the monotonous tune that the ex continually bangs. How evil to want to fight for the needs of our children, when surely this is all that the ex is wanting?

Before I get shot down, I don’t display these feelings in any way to DSC and they are made to feel most welcome in their home. I enjoy spending time with them and they get on really well with their half siblings. They have a great relationship with their dad too. However, we are allowed to secretly not want to play happy families every breathing moment and want some space from it all from time to time (like the time I was in early stages of labour and the ex kicked off because the weekend with the DSC had to be swapped. ‘But surely you’d want them there to share such a special time like childbirth. They’re old enough to experience such a special time…’ )

I'm with you OP.

I think it definitely depends on the individual dynamics - my weekend plans have to change regularly as DSD's mum's plans change (parties, nights out, whatever,) and her go to childcare is to call DP, who would understandably never turn down extra time with his DD... but he works nights, so then I'm her childcare.

I don't mind it, I like seeing DSD, but it annoys me that it's relied upon last minute, where if we called ex last minute with a child care issue she'd blow up and say DP wasn't considerate of DSD's needs, bad father, new family priorities, etc etc.

SM's get an awful time of it on here. If I actually posted the reality of DSD's DM's behaviour without saying I'm the SM, I'm sure it wouldn't be defensible. But as I'm the SM I'm automatically the wicked one!

SM's get an awful time of it on here. If I actually posted the reality of DSD's DM's behaviour without saying I'm the SM, I'm sure it wouldn't be defensible. But as I'm the SM I'm automatically the wicked one!

I often think this too. If I posted what DP's ex has done over the years and didn't describe it as an exW / SM dynamic, there would be a totally different response as no person in their right mind could defend her behaviour!

I think YABU because you formed a relationship with someone with dc and don't really view the dc as children of the family, e.g. wanting space away from them - that isn't really something you get from children of your family.

I think "fighting for" your privileged dc who live in a stable home with both parents against the less privileged dc who haven't had that advantage is uncomfortable tbh. Your dc already have so much more than they do.

@Thatsmydaughterinthewater .... "I don’t blame first wives for championing the kids needs and not being cooperative with their ex. Most men can’t afford to properly support two lots of children so the ex wife is often carrying the majority of the financial burden. They probably have been treated poorly by their ex husband - statistically men commit DV at vastly higher rates, but in my experience they are also responsible for more low level nastiness and abuse. After all, it’s more often than not women who file for divorce isn’t it? Not to mention the sheer number of men who do so little for their kids even when they do live with them full time."

....eh? This is a huge sweeping generalisation. Not being cooperative with an ex is different from not being cooperative with the father of your kids, if he is being a decent dad, which many still try their hardest to be. And being openly uncooperative in that circumstance out of spite or pettiness or due to your own relationship breakdown is bad for the kids.

In terms of the financial burden, DP pays ex on the basis of DSD staying with us only one night per week. This week she has been here all week, as DM is out partying and DSD doesn't like how aggressive she becomes whilst drunk. She is generally here at least 50% of the time, and gets all her new clothes, haircuts, items, while here. DP would never challenge this as doesn't want DM to reduce contact, which I've seen before on threads here saying that the DM doesn't want to increase contact time as it would reduce her maintenance payments.

And as for "they've probably been treated poorly by their exh?" A lot of the time that's the other way around. Women can be nasty af too.

I just don't understand why so many women are willing to start a new family with a man who has other children but then not accept his other children! Do these step children come out of the woodwork after you're married or do you get told about them up front?

I personally would never get involved with someone who already had DC because it all sounds awful.

I think YABU because you formed a relationship with someone with dc and don't really view the dc as children of the family, e.g. wanting space away from them - that isn't really something you get from children of your family.

I'll tell that to my step son who is absent for at least 80% of my life.

@aSofaNearYou

I think YABU because you formed a relationship with someone with dc and don't really view the dc as children of the family, e.g. wanting space away from them - that isn't really something you get from children of your family.

I'll tell that to my step son who is absent for at least 80% of my life.

I'll tell that to my teen DD as well who I barely see these days as she's always off out with friends or holed up in her room ........ 😬

@Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan

It's almost as if she thinks you go to the husband shop and just order to requirements

Well yes, most people get to choose their partner, unless they’re so desperate they just take the first man that comes along

@Sleepyquest

I just don't understand why so many women are willing to start a new family with a man who has other children but then not accept his other children! Do these step children come out of the woodwork after you're married or do you get told about them up front?

I personally would never get involved with someone who already had DC because it all sounds awful.

@sleepyquest It's not his children that are the issue? I fully accept my DSD, love her to bits, and my DP is the best man I've ever met.

It's her DM who causes me constant grief! And that's not one you always think about in advance.

His ex is the issue, not his child. I fully accepted his child, he lived with us for a few years. He wasn't and isn't my issue. His mother is.

In most cases I don’t think stepmums have an issue with the children but with the situations surrounding the stepchildren created by the adults involved with the children like their parents and grandparents.

The stepchild’s behaviour sometimes gets mentioned as a reason why the stepmum is frustrated with the child themselves, but I feel that’s justified as children should behave and follow rules and be considerate of others. That’s something that their actual parents should want too.

The stepchild’s behaviour sometimes gets mentioned as a reason why the stepmum is frustrated with the child themselves, but I feel that’s justified as children should behave and follow rules and be considerate of others. That’s something that their actual parents should want too

I expect polite, decent, kind behaviour from my children. But they also have been taught to stand up for themselves. When their former step mother behaved badly towards them, I encouraged them to first look at the situation from her perspective (largely that having three extra children around is tough so try and be good) and then challenge what they considered to be unreasonable. An excellent example was one of my children taking his birthday money my mum had given him to show his dad. My ex took it off him because apparently I would have allowed him to spend it on sweets - a blatant untruth (it’s just a way of having a dig at my weight). Step mum told him it would be put in his bank account. Child unaware he had a bank account. Child waited a few weeks and then asked to see evidence that the money had been put in his bank account - he did that off his own back and hadn’t asked my advice. Step mum told him he was ‘a fucking rude little shit, just like your bitch of a mother’. He concluded - probably correctly - that there was no bank account and that in effect, step mum had stolen his money as she was the last one he saw handle it. It’s hard to suggest otherwise.

Not all step mums are angels. Some of them treat our children appallingly. That fact - and it is a fact - is lost by step mothers on this site who defend poor step parenting beyond all reason. Sure, children should be polite but they shouldn’t have to put up with abuse.

@Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan
. wanting space away from them - that isn't really something you get from children of your family.

Yes it is lots of parents arrange time out and even holidays without their kids

That fact - and it is a fact - is lost by step mothers on this site who defend poor step parenting beyond all reason

That's bollocks. I've never defended anyone who I genuinely thought was a poor step parent. I've offered constructive advice.

I’ve only made it to page 3 of this thread and it shows how completely unfair posters are to SMs in particular and biased towards SCs/EWs.

People are saying “why didn’t dad sort childcare instead of expecting mum to have them”… so essentially it’s not mum’s problem, she shouldn’t have to help out/ parent her own kids/ put her own kids first when it’s on dad’s time.

Ok that’s fine except on every other single thread about Stepparenting the complete opposite trope is spouted about the dad or subsequent kids.
“He doesn’t stop being a dad to his first kids when they are at their mums”…

Why is it ok for the mum to say she’s not having them on dad’s time but if dad said he isn’t having the kids when it’s supposed to be mum’s contact time he’s called a shit dad… even when custody is 50:50.

The double standards on here are grotesque.

Not all step mums are angels. Some of them treat our children appallingly. That fact - and it is a fact - is lost by step mothers on this site who defend poor step parenting beyond all reason. Sure, children should be polite but they shouldn’t have to put up with abuse

I am a regular on the SP board and I have never seen anyone defend SMs if they’re behaving appallingly. Not even once.

What I have seen is people say “it’s not your concern, it’s up to your DP to sort out”.

The problem is, for example, SMs seem to be expected to walk on eggshells and put their SC’s needs above their own and those of their own DC when it isn’t their place or obligation to do so.
Children’s parents need to do this, but not stepparents.

I love my SCs a lot, they are part of my fiancé but I do not put them above my own children. I try to treat them fairly but I not always equally in priorities because they are not my children and it is up to their actual parents to prioritise them.

If I don’t prioritise my own children I would be failing them as a parent.

If people don't want their kids to have a step parent they shouldn't take that into account when thinking about divorce. If they've decided divorce is still the right thing then they just have to put up with a step parent if they come along and try to be civil.

*should

Not all step mums are angels. Some of them treat our children appallingly. That fact - and it is a fact - is lost by step mothers on this site who defend poor step parenting beyond all reason. Sure, children should be polite but they shouldn’t have to put up with abuse.

@Getawaywithit True, not all step mums are angels. But also, not all mums are angels. Which is often overlooked on these boards. Many are in fact obstructive and uncooperative with regard to their ex's, and seem to forget that if you have a child with someone its in your DC's interests to maintain a working relationship with their DC's father and SM wherever possible. I get it, I'd hate to have to maintain civil and decent communication with my ex's. But to quote a line many SMs have flung at them on here, "you've made your bed, you have to lie in it"!

Generally I read a situation individually, as many mums do have hard times with crap Disney dads and annoying SMs, but also many SM's have a hard time with ridiculous demands and behaviour from DMs. But there are a lot of responses on here which automatically take DMs side regardless of circumstances, which is pretty annoying 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dp did nothing wrong. He simply moved on and she did not like it
These words or similar come up regularly and I'm always puzzled how new partner seem to know so well and clearly what happened between their partner and ex. Surely all they got to go on is their partner side of the story, their interpretation of what has gone wrong. Even friends and family are going to be biased.

I'm sure my ex believes and has told his new partner and friends that we separated because of me and every conflict is my fault. I of course think totally differently. We both have our interpretations and that's all it is. Even a judge would struggle to fully attribute faults if they heard both sides in length.

Yet SMs often seem to have the full story leading them to being able to decide the ex was totally in the wrong about everything objectively. I don't get this.

@vivainsomnia

Dp did nothing wrong. He simply moved on and she did not like it These words or similar come up regularly and I'm always puzzled how new partner seem to know so well and clearly what happened between their partner and ex. Surely all they got to go on is their partner side of the story, their interpretation of what has gone wrong. Even friends and family are going to be biased.

I'm sure my ex believes and has told his new partner and friends that we separated because of me and every conflict is my fault. I of course think totally differently. We both have our interpretations and that's all it is. Even a judge would struggle to fully attribute faults if they heard both sides in length.

Yet SMs often seem to have the full story leading them to being able to decide the ex was totally in the wrong about everything objectively. I don't get this.

I know because she told me. She told me she was very angry that he had infact moved on because they were getting on so well, and she couldn't believe that he was with me and that he wasn't going to go back and marry her. She felt she had been misled. We were together 6 months before he told her about me, so I knew how he'd been acting because I was present for it. They had a bloody wonderful co-parenting relationship. I know because SHE told me. Again, why do you feel you know the situation better than someone who was actually there?

I didn't need his side of the story because I was there. Before she decided to become an awful person, she wad perfectly lovely and he had nothing but positive things to say to her. They didn't have an acrimonious split. Again, I know because she told me and evidently true because she wanted to get back with him.

Please. Stop. Fucking. Trying. To. Tell. Me. What. Happened.

I know because the issues started when I arrived. Previous to my arrival there had been no issues, confirmed to me by both of them.

I quite literally was and am the issue. It all went downhill from there. And yes, I absolutely should have left but I didn't because I thought it would pass, it was a shock to her, she'd get over it and we could continue in the lovely co-parenting relationship they had previously shared.

I know because she told me
And of course she confided in you as she would to her best friend.

We were together 6 months before he told her about me, so I knew how he'd been acting because I was present for it
You mean they were still together then?

I am not trying to tell you what happened, what I'm saying is that it's quite surprising how much some SMs seem to know about their partner's exes especially in high conflict situations. It's not usual to know so much about a partner's exes, even less common that these exes, brokenhearted by their partner breaking up with them, would opt to confess all their feelings and give a history of their life together to the new woman in his life. Very unusual indeed!

@vivainsomnia

I know because she told me And of course she confided in you as she would to her best friend.

We were together 6 months before he told her about me, so I knew how he'd been acting because I was present for it
You mean they were still together then?

I am not trying to tell you what happened, what I'm saying is that it's quite surprising how much some SMs seem to know about their partner's exes especially in high conflict situations. It's not usual to know so much about a partner's exes, even less common that these exes, brokenhearted by their partner breaking up with them, would opt to confess all their feelings and give a history of their life together to the new woman in his life. Very unusual indeed!

I know about it all because of the sheer volume of emails and messages and the fact even several years later she can't stop dredging up the past. So I know the full story, the heartbreak and both people's views of the situation. I've seen it all, and yes, I see both sides of the conversations.

@vivainsomnia

I know because she told me And of course she confided in you as she would to her best friend.

We were together 6 months before he told her about me, so I knew how he'd been acting because I was present for it
You mean they were still together then?

I am not trying to tell you what happened, what I'm saying is that it's quite surprising how much some SMs seem to know about their partner's exes especially in high conflict situations. It's not usual to know so much about a partner's exes, even less common that these exes, brokenhearted by their partner breaking up with them, would opt to confess all their feelings and give a history of their life together to the new woman in his life. Very unusual indeed!

Oh no, she screamed it at me for ruining her life.

It was not a friendly conversation.

And no, try again, they'd split two years before and coparented since.

What is your fucking problem? Seriously?