Exes and DSC

[Saveit]

Following several threads on here about first wives, step children and the tsunamis of hate towards step mums, anyone else want to raise their hands with me and say that factoring in DSC, exes and the often ridiculous demands is bloody hard work?!

How dare we have more children with a man who’s obviously fucked over his first family and clearly isn’t fit to be a father! How selfish of us to sometimes not want to dance to the monotonous tune that the ex continually bangs. How evil to want to fight for the needs of our children, when surely this is all that the ex is wanting?

Before I get shot down, I don’t display these feelings in any way to DSC and they are made to feel most welcome in their home. I enjoy spending time with them and they get on really well with their half siblings. They have a great relationship with their dad too. However, we are allowed to secretly not want to play happy families every breathing moment and want some space from it all from time to time (like the time I was in early stages of labour and the ex kicked off because the weekend with the DSC had to be swapped. ‘But surely you’d want them there to share such a special time like childbirth. They’re old enough to experience such a special time…’ )

@MouldyPotato

Why does no one ever tell the exes that they knew what they were getting into when they chose to divorce their husbands? I know it's not always that way round but presumably if they left their husbands becuase he was 'usless' why would that change?

I actually love this! It’s true!

[quote Woodmarsh]@rosieguacamosie the woman doesn't have to prioritise the existing children though[/quote]
No, but the father (50% of the equation) does!

Yes but why would the woman not have kids with him if she is in a position to do so? (I wouldn't and under normal circumstances wouldn't touch a man with kids with a bargepole)

I personally don't find MN to be a supportive space for step mums.

The step parenting forum seems to be avidly followed by many women who aren't step parents, but are ex wives and girlfirends with a serious axe to grind. They jump on any poster, no matter the subject to tell them that step mums are horrible and NRPs are all awful men who dodge CMS as well as being bad parents.

Step mothers are witches on mn.
Even if she has them present at child birth.
Gives up every moment of time to lavish dsc with whatever their hearts desire. She will never be able to do enough.

I'm not an SM but have read some of the SM threads. What I find is an unwillingness to acknowledge that some mothers can and do weaponise their children to get back at their ex and his new wife. Yet in those threads so often posters will blame the new wife and her DH for not trying hard enough, without recognising that a determined mother can make it impossible for the SM and her DH to do enough.

@RosieGuacamosie are you one of the controlling exes I was on about.......

What I don't get is why the new girlfriends aren't suspicious of the "mad bitch ex"narrative that "threw them out of their home" when there were three under the age of 4?????

Like any woman isn't totally at the end of her tether with a waster to actual throw them out when she has very, very young children. #totalwaster

[quote Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan]@RosieGuacamosie are you one of the controlling exes I was on about.......[/quote]
Nope 🤣 no kids here, I just think men should prioritise the children they already have before creating more and I can’t understand why some women facilitate this.

Nope 🤣 no kids here, I just think men should prioritise the children they already have before creating more and I can’t understand why some women facilitate this.

But that again is saying that the SM must put her DH's children before herself. Which is exactly what this thread is about. She can't have a life of her own but must always be subservient to her DSCs.

@Feedingthebirds1

Nope 🤣 no kids here, I just think men should prioritise the children they already have before creating more and I can’t understand why some women facilitate this.

But that again is saying that the SM must put her DH's children before herself. Which is exactly what this thread is about. She can't have a life of her own but must always be subservient to her DSCs.

Or, if you want children then choose a man with none previously?

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I'm as neutral as can be; not a mum or a stepmum, never had a stepmum, no opinions at all on "first wives" or stepmums in general.

And the trope of "tsunamis of hate towards step mums" on MN is total crap. Stepmothers do not get treated unfairly just because they're stepmothers. They're often told they're unreasonable (like mothers on AIBU...) because they're often being unreasonable.

Utter bollocks.

I agree OP. SMs get a dreadful time on here, often completely unwarranted!

@Awkwardispute

As for people saying MN doesn't have a problem with step mothers. Ha.

I was told I was being unreasonable to not want DSC coming over for tea whilst having covid symptoms, and not having been tested.

It didn't matter that I was vulnerable anyway let alone in the first trimester of pregnancy after multiple losses.

Absolutely batshit and doesn't represent RL whatsoever.

I think I remember your thread and I posted on it in support (if not yours it was a very similar issue). It was indeed batshit!

My children’s lives have improved so much since we haven’t had to deal with my ex’s first family drama and that tells me everything I need to know.

Ahhh, you're one of those, you have no kids yet are the perfect parent.....

@RosieGuacamosie forgot to tag you

Or, if you want children then choose a man with none previously?

Why?

It's almost as if she thinks you go to the husband shop and just order to requirements

@Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan

It's almost as if she thinks you go to the husband shop and just order to requirements

😂 if only

@Feedingthebirds1

I'm not an SM but have read some of the SM threads. What I find is an unwillingness to acknowledge that some mothers can and do weaponise their children to get back at their ex and his new wife. Yet in those threads so often posters will blame the new wife and her DH for not trying hard enough, without recognising that a determined mother can make it impossible for the SM and her DH to do enough.

100% this

@billy1966

Haha I honestly don't know and .... a small part of me does look lesser at my mum for choosing him and putting up and still, 20 years on, taking on the emotional burden of my stepdad being driven to the brink by his daughters. But I'm not in that relationship so it's tricky to truly understand. i only assume it really is true love haha.

Good thing for me being, I've seen the bad to that and am... ??confident/secure/selfish?? enough to say, nope. Never happening.

I think a lot of people have a romantic view that doesn't always add up irl and then they get stuck. MN and other SM 110% cheerleading blended families regardless, and often making Stepparent the baddie doesn't seem to help.

@Frankola

I personally don't find MN to be a supportive space for step mums.

The step parenting forum seems to be avidly followed by many women who aren't step parents, but are ex wives and girlfirends with a serious axe to grind. They jump on any poster, no matter the subject to tell them that step mums are horrible and NRPs are all awful men who dodge CMS as well as being bad parents.

I used to post on there. I no longer do, for this reason.

[quote ButterflyCat2028]@billy1966

Haha I honestly don't know and .... a small part of me does look lesser at my mum for choosing him and putting up and still, 20 years on, taking on the emotional burden of my stepdad being driven to the brink by his daughters. But I'm not in that relationship so it's tricky to truly understand. i only assume it really is true love haha.

Good thing for me being, I've seen the bad to that and am... ??confident/secure/selfish?? enough to say, nope. Never happening.

I think a lot of people have a romantic view that doesn't always add up irl and then they get stuck. MN and other SM 110% cheerleading blended families regardless, and often making Stepparent the baddie doesn't seem to help.[/quote]
Good for you.

One of my dearest, oldest friends of 45 years is a product of an affluent "Brady Bunch" shit show.

Total and utter DISASTER for most of the children involved.

They were like a TV sitcom with their pucture perfect life but the reality was SO vastly different.

Step Mums do have a reputation some for good reason!
My own step mother is the poster woman for how not to marry a man with a child.
BUT it taught me how not to be a step parent, not that its been easy smooth,or without drama, pain and hurt.
I have had custody of my own DSS since he was little and he's now an adult, we really are a very much a family as 'both' my kids still live at home.
My rule was I am always allowed time for me, and time for just me a DH.
I was lucky DSS's mother was awful to DH and turns out unfortunately awful to DSS which is why I was asked by SS to have DSS on a permanent basis ( DH works out of the country for half the year).
I do think it was easy as when you are 'allowed' to parent a child regardless of birth you bond.
My DSS and DS are brothers and DSS is my son.
I really get annoyed when SM's are villanized on here, told NOT to parent yet are expected to be a passive spectator in their own life, watching all of the mistakes and doing their step and bio children a huge disservice!