Exes and DSC

[Saveit]

Following several threads on here about first wives, step children and the tsunamis of hate towards step mums, anyone else want to raise their hands with me and say that factoring in DSC, exes and the often ridiculous demands is bloody hard work?!

How dare we have more children with a man who’s obviously fucked over his first family and clearly isn’t fit to be a father! How selfish of us to sometimes not want to dance to the monotonous tune that the ex continually bangs. How evil to want to fight for the needs of our children, when surely this is all that the ex is wanting?

Before I get shot down, I don’t display these feelings in any way to DSC and they are made to feel most welcome in their home. I enjoy spending time with them and they get on really well with their half siblings. They have a great relationship with their dad too. However, we are allowed to secretly not want to play happy families every breathing moment and want some space from it all from time to time (like the time I was in early stages of labour and the ex kicked off because the weekend with the DSC had to be swapped. ‘But surely you’d want them there to share such a special time like childbirth. They’re old enough to experience such a special time…’ )

YANBU OP.

Come on over to the childless step mothers forum, whether you have your own DC or not.

@Wannakisstheteacher I don’t doubt that for a moment.

Not all men are shit dads who don’t support their children. There’s the assumption on here that they are if they’ve got divorced.

Saveit this is true. At the moment she is demanding strange things like a week's worth of lunches sent back with them

As for people saying MN doesn't have a problem with step mothers. Ha.

I was told I was being unreasonable to not want DSC coming over for tea whilst having covid symptoms, and not having been tested.

It didn't matter that I was vulnerable anyway let alone in the first trimester of pregnancy after multiple losses.

Absolutely batshit and doesn't represent RL whatsoever.

@Saveit it’s a nugget I told myself when I found it tough (which I did frequently). Really though it’s the children I feel sorry for.

[quote Saveit]@WrongWayApricot we don’t say to parents having a tough time, ‘well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you had unprotected sex’

No different! Parenting, in whatever capacity is tough[/quote]
That really is often said on MN though, hindsight is 20/20... But, to play devil's advocate, a lot of men change when they have a child, sometimes men first abuse their partner when they're pregnant. So having a child for the first time can put a strain on a relationship that could not be expected. But, that's different with step parenting, by the time you move in/get married you probably have a good idea of what your partner is like as a parent and your own relationship with their children. I'm sure a lot of the exes would have chosen not to have children with these men if they could have seen how they parent and react to parenthood beforehand. The same can't be said as much with becoming a step parent.

And my post wasn't about you in particular, I haven't seen your other threads. I meant generally the posts I see are obviously unreasonable. I guess that's why they end up in active though, because they've attracted a ton of posts shouting YABU at OP.

@Saveit

Following several threads on here about first wives, step children and the tsunamis of hate towards step mums, anyone else want to raise their hands with me and say that factoring in DSC, exes and the often ridiculous demands is bloody hard work?!

How dare we have more children with a man who’s obviously fucked over his first family and clearly isn’t fit to be a father! How selfish of us to sometimes not want to dance to the monotonous tune that the ex continually bangs. How evil to want to fight for the needs of our children, when surely this is all that the ex is wanting?

Before I get shot down, I don’t display these feelings in any way to DSC and they are made to feel most welcome in their home. I enjoy spending time with them and they get on really well with their half siblings. They have a great relationship with their dad too. However, we are allowed to secretly not want to play happy families every breathing moment and want some space from it all from time to time (like the time I was in early stages of labour and the ex kicked off because the weekend with the DSC had to be swapped. ‘But surely you’d want them there to share such a special time like childbirth. They’re old enough to experience such a special time…’ )

I'm with you OP. 100%.

Yanbu. Dd1 has a wonderful stepmum, shit dad though. I'm pleased he settled down with her though cause DD loves her. She's not arsed about her dad though, only goes to visit if step mum is there, but they have a grand time together.
DH is a wonderful father and stepdad. Dd1 sees him as her dad, dd2 adores her dad. He works hard and does his fair share at home.
He's tried he's hardest with his DS, bent over backwards to appease ex just so he can have contact, but he's ex has been nothing short of toxic, manipulating DSS, calling me names, making comments about DDs disabilities, constantly asking for more money even though we were already paying more maintenance than required, yet whenever we said no to extra she would tell my DSS that it was our fault he couldn't have his new football boots/passport/Xbox etc. So he would cancel visits. All the while she's smoking 40 a day and drinking 24 cans of cola a day.
And no I was not the OW. He left her long before I met him.

Boring, predictable and pathetic. YABU.

I have been a stepchild, a step mother, and now my own DC have a step mother.

No way would I ever again get involved with a man who had children.

In real life I don't know a single blended family where every member is happy. Usually the stepmother is having the shittest time of it.

Not all men are shit dads who don’t support their children. There’s the assumption on here that they are if they’ve got divorced. around 50% of men have lost contact with their children within the first year of separation.

So while not all, there is a sizeable number who just walk away without a backward glance, and it therefore stands to reason that a number who are left will still see their children but will still remain shit parents.

At the end of the day there are usually 3 sides to every situation. His side, her side, and the truth which is usually somewhere in the middle.

I know that my DC’s SM has screamed out in public that I am a bitch who takes all their money every month and who turned the DC against their father. If she came on MN with that tale she would likely be believed and I would be labelled the crazy ex.

In truth my eXH pays me a decent amount and has never quibbled it, but obviously has led her to believe I was the abusive ex, when actually we split because of his abuse. And when she put demands on him he walked away from our DC, and has taken her’s on as his own.

The DC stopped seeing him because they couldn’t stand her, but he never bothered to chase contact with them.

It’s worth remembering that the man’s ex sees him as her ex, so they both have their own axes to grind.

And the stepmoms who end up in the middle of these toxic relationships are forced to side with the men they have married because by then all they can see is the ex’s behaviour.

Why did your partner attempt to use his ex as childcare to cover your giving birth? Should her life, and that of your step children, have been on hold for the last 6 weeks of your pregnancy in case you went into Labour? Would you consider that a reasonable thing to have to do?

It is great if a separated couple can be flexible and supportive but there is a line between that and assuming your ex will just take over if you can’t. You need emergency plans for your time with the children. Only in the most dire of emergencies would I ask my ex take the children on my time - we’ve been separated 14 years and I have asked him once when my mother’s dementia kicked up a notch and I sought an emergency hospital admission.

we don’t say to parents having a tough time, ‘well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you had unprotected sex’

Really? That shit gets said to single parents continually.

@Getawaywithit

They were 15/16 and already making up their own minds when they did/didn’t come over. So not really an issue about ‘childcare’ , surely?!

And o

You iron your wicked plan OP? Dedication right there

@Justcallmebebes

YABU. Sorry but that's why I wouldn't touch a man with children with a bargepole. They come with baggage and you have to suck it up

This.

Vastly different expectations of women that men are never troubled with.

Why any women would bother getting further involved in the "Ex wife shitshow" is completely beyond me.

No man is that attractive that a single woman should want to sign up for that drama for life.

Life is too short for the stories of malevolent drama that rules so many second families.

I'm not for a second saying that I don't have genuine sympathy for women who's waster Ex's abandon them.

But single women volunteering to be involved in all that drama I honestly do not get.

Whilst I agree to an extent that stepmothers do have a hard time of it, what I can’t understand is why they often then go on to have more children with these men, surely it’s common sense that that will usually lead to further problems? Why bring another child into the mix?!

Why on earth should someone not have children just because their husbands ex is a controlling twat?

[quote Saveit]@Wannakisstheteacher I don’t doubt that for a moment.

Not all men are shit dads who don’t support their children. There’s the assumption on here that they are if they’ve got divorced.[/quote]
Thats because many of the posters are in that situation

You dont post on an Internet forum to brag about being well supported in a great place financially and extremely happy ffs 🙄

Including you

I will never ever go near a man with kids, relationship wise. No way in hell. Thankfully DP understands 100% and he said how he had 2 previous ... relationships and how there's no 'surprises' to be had down the line. It's a true relief.

My childhood was quite frankly ruined by my two feral stepsisters and that's no exaggeration. These children despised my mum and myself because they were jealous of our good relationship. Their dad left the abusive thing their mother is, 2 years before he met my mum.

Lots of other stuff including physical violence to both me and my mum.... plus the emotional torment- that part still ongoing! It's been 20 years. They are early 20s, I'm mid 20s and despite my mum and me having NC they are still causing hell. My mum stays with my stepdad because she loves him but i'm amazed he isn't in an early grave due to them.

Not everything is: evil stepmother etc.

I love my DP children but it's HARD, i go to all his sons football matches, i take them out in the holiday's ect but it's shit when their mum pulls all the strings, does last minute changes, last minute goes away for a week's holiday's. Never takes time off work in the holidays, so my DP has to who is self employed. So yeah some time's it gets tough when you're just trying to pay the bill's ect. But would i change it, probably not because i love them all. But equally we're entitled to a moan now and then!

@bluebeck

I have been a stepchild, a step mother, and now my own DC have a step mother.

No way would I ever again get involved with a man who had children.

In real life I don't know a single blended family where every member is happy. Usually the stepmother is having the shittest time of it.

This is what surrounds me me in the few I know.

@ButterflyCat2028, I do not for a second doubt your experience but I reiterate my opinion, why would women bother.

Life is just tok short for that drama.

@Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan

Why on earth should someone not have children just because their husbands ex is a controlling twat?

Because the existing children should be prioritised before creating new ones

Why on earth would you add more children to an already complex situation?

Meh, my parents divorced almost 40 years ago and my Mum and Step Mum get on really well. They went out together last week in fact. So it can work out in some situations.

@rosieguacamosie the woman doesn't have to prioritise the existing children though