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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Exes and DSC

190 replies

Saveit · 14/07/2021 14:43

Following several threads on here about first wives, step children and the tsunamis of hate towards step mums, anyone else want to raise their hands with me and say that factoring in DSC, exes and the often ridiculous demands is bloody hard work?!

How dare we have more children with a man who’s obviously fucked over his first family and clearly isn’t fit to be a father! How selfish of us to sometimes not want to dance to the monotonous tune that the ex continually bangs. How evil to want to fight for the needs of our children, when surely this is all that the ex is wanting?

Before I get shot down, I don’t display these feelings in any way to DSC and they are made to feel most welcome in their home. I enjoy spending time with them and they get on really well with their half siblings. They have a great relationship with their dad too. However, we are allowed to secretly not want to play happy families every breathing moment and want some space from it all from time to time (like the time I was in early stages of labour and the ex kicked off because the weekend with the DSC had to be swapped. ‘But surely you’d want them there to share such a special time like childbirth. They’re old enough to experience such a special time…’ )

OP posts:

Rebornagain · 14/07/2021 16:36

@HugeAckmansWife Why would it be an issue if the man was only paying the minimum child maintenance?

There are plenty of moms who use kids and the nrp to get what they want. Won't let them have the children until it suits her can't have them anymore than agreed nights as finance is affected.

Why would a mom want her children to see ex going through labour the mind boggles

MarcusRashford · 14/07/2021 16:40

I feel your pain. My experience as a step mum was hideous. The children, their mother, my exes behaviour. All intolerably hard. We split in the end as I couldn't put up with it anymore. The children were teens. There is little support for step mothers and you certainly won't get it on the AIBU board - step mothers are expected to put their lives and their children to one side to support even the most ridiculous of demands from step children and their mothers.

Woodmarsh · 14/07/2021 16:42

@saveit this isn't going to end well, this is mumsnet.

There was a thread a few months ago where a few posters tried to moderate" the step parent forum and make it a more supportive place. Sadly it didn't last

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 14/07/2021 16:43

Maybe you should have given it more thought before you had children with a man who had a previous family. It’s damn hard work

CornishGem1975 · 14/07/2021 16:45

@MarcusRashford

Got to be honest, I am dreading when my DSC are teens. I feel like it's going to be really hard on our relationship.

Obviously, I am willing to suck it up, because of course, I knew what I was getting into yada yada yada but I still dread it.

BlueSurfer · 14/07/2021 16:47

I think this is why that for many people, someone who already has children is a dealbreaker. It’s just some people realise this before falling in love with them.

MarcusRashford · 14/07/2021 16:48

The same old comments get dished out, you should have thought about it, blah, blah. How can you know until you're in that relationship - each one Is different.

I'll be brutally honest, my former DSCs were horrible children. For whatever reason they turned out that way they were not nice to be around at all. Didn't help.

I was probably a horrible SM. It was a horrible situation. So glad it's in my past but still hurts quite a lot.

MarcusRashford · 14/07/2021 16:49

It's definitely a dealbreaker for me now. I wouldn't entertain a man with children of whatever age. I'm not interested in a relationship whatsoever I'm still so scarred from it all, but if in the future I did it would be with a man who had never had children.

HugeAckmansWife · 14/07/2021 16:51

Rebornagain because the minimum cms, unless the nrp is a high earner is an absolute joke and does not even slightly represent 50% of the coss of a child. There are plenty of exes including mine who refuse to acknowledge that fact. And I would bloody love 50/50 shared care but he went straight to eow only, never accepts the offer of extra time with them and refuses to acknowledge that since he fucked off with OW, every single bit of day to day parenting is my job. But that's OK. I'm just a 'bitter ex wife'. Those are all issues for other threads though. The problem is people do talk from their own experiences and 'whatabouttery' abounds. I complain about shirking nrp, the response is 'what about rps who dick about with contact and spend the maintenance on wine'. Both are true, neither one cancels out the other. And to be honest, in the OPs case, if the RP only gets 4 days a month to do her own thing, then yes I would expect the dad to sort out an alternative for his weekend that doesn't involve her if she had real plans booked.

rjacksmiss · 14/07/2021 16:54

I love my ex's DW. She's a lovely woman! No DC of her own. Get on really well. She's a saint for putting up with ex. Gets him off my back.

Original poster

Saveit · 14/07/2021 16:56

@CornishGem1975 this is just it. Your relationship with your own teens is/will be probably strained. It comes with parenting teens. But because you’re the SM you will undoubtedly be unreasonable about everything issue.

@EleanorOlephantisjustfine this nugget again!

@MarcusRashford absolutely! I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 14/07/2021 17:00

we’re not all evil
Of course not. There are many great SMs, SMs who do their best and do so ok. There are also SMs who only tolerate being so because they don't have a choice. The problem is that SMs never ever can be challenged on MN. SMs are never ever unreasonable. If they say that the ex is horrible, even if they only ever hear things from her partner who might have an ax to grind anyway, then it is fact that everything is the ex's fault.

What surprises me in many threads is how decisions on matters that very much affect the SCs are led by the SM with the dad seeming to just go with the flow. They rarely seem willing to take a stand, be it their ex or new partner. A lot of the issues are their to take a stand on, but it often becomes a SM vs Ex situation.

There are without a doubt nasty bitter exes, but I think there are so often vilify, by SMs who seem to know absolutely everything about them, their lives, their decisions.

I really think SMs are much happier when they keep out and let their partner deal with all matters of communication with the ex. It's such a pity that the things SM/Ex bicker about are so often meaningless. When my ex new partner gave birth, I of course said that the kids could stay home, but they were also fine when I asked to swap weekends very occasionally. I am so thankful that despite our differences and disagreements, we could act like adult and not play silly games. Life is too short.

MouldyPotato · 14/07/2021 17:05

Why does no one ever tell the exes that they knew what they were getting into when they chose to divorce their husbands? I know it's not always that way round but presumably if they left their husbands becuase he was 'usless' why would that change?

Woodmarsh · 14/07/2021 17:11

I regularly hear "you knew he had kids" and whilst that is true I didn't know for one minute what the reality would be.

I didn't know how rude his kids would be, the difficulty the exs relationship with his mother would pose, that his ex was indeed as crazy as he made out, that she would spend 12 months trying to split us up, how it would feel having the kids in my home every week, how hard it would be not being able to make spontaneous plans, the list goes on.

You can be told about these things as much as you like but until you live it nothing prepares you for it.

MouldyPotato · 14/07/2021 17:15

I knew he had kids I didn't know his ex would turn so vindictive

Original poster

Saveit · 14/07/2021 17:17

@Woodmarsh
This!

I also wonder how things would be if the ex got into a relationship with someone with kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Saveit · 14/07/2021 17:20

@MouldyPotato I’ve found over the years that the ex changes just how vindictive/amicable/friendly/gushing/positive/obstructive/unreasonable she is (although on the whole it’s all very amicable) to suit her and her plans, her relationship status the situation that we may have going on.

OP posts:

Woodmarsh · 14/07/2021 17:25

@saveit agreed. I had lovely notions of us being friendly working together in a civil way etc etc but quickly realised that was not to be.

WrongWayApricot · 14/07/2021 17:29

I'm sure there are many great step mums out there, but the posts I see in active are always like they're auditioning for a snow white reproduction. "is it illegal if DH quits work and doesn't pay CM" "AIBU to not feed dsc after argument with DH". And whenever answered something is technically legal but really mean and immoral, OP says idc about dsc/ex I only care about my child. Well then, that's just fine isn't it. Can't see why that would draw any criticism. Let's just make everything technically legal and not care about anyone but our own offspring. What a lovely world that would be.

Original poster

Saveit · 14/07/2021 17:31

@Woodmarsh in so many ways it’s not even about their children. It’s about a man that they have so much animosity towards who has moved on and they haven’t, or in this situation, moved on but continually make poor relationship choices…

Not talking from my own experience now, but a lot of the expectations/requests/demands (call them what you like) coming from exes often isn’t about the children or what’s best for them.

OP posts:

Woodmarsh · 14/07/2021 17:34

@wrongwayapricot there are threads like that yes but they are not the norm. The majority of threads I see are women at the end of their tether due to difficult kids, exs, OH or all 3 and often get a kicking on here if they dare post about how hard things are.

Original poster

Saveit · 14/07/2021 17:35

@WrongWayApricot I only care about my own children? I don’t think I’ve ever said this and if I have come across as meaning that then I can assure you that is absolutely not the case. If you knew us as a family in RL then you would see that. The kids are now away at uni/live in other areas of the UK now so don’t come around anywhere as near as much, but that isn’t because of me putting my children first or not welcoming them.

OP posts:

Wannakisstheteacher · 14/07/2021 17:37

There is nothing shittier than being the child in a blended family. And yes, anyone who has a child with someone who doesn’t even properly provide/care for the children they already have is an idiot.

Original poster

Saveit · 14/07/2021 17:37

@WrongWayApricot we don’t say to parents having a tough time, ‘well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you had unprotected sex’

No different! Parenting, in whatever capacity is tough

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 14/07/2021 17:38

I understand your point that nothing can really prepare you or teach you what the reality of being a step parent would be like before you do it, it pretty obvious that it’s going to come with difficulties and complications. You deserve support from your nearest and dearest while you navigate those obviously, but there is a certain amount that you just have to suck up and deal with. With a smile on your face.

I wouldn’t date a man with children because I know I’m not a selfless enough person and that it would probably make me unhappy to have to prioritise other people’s children all the time, even if it meant my own needs weren’t met. But that is part of the deal, and the ex is part of the deal. It doesn’t come across well when people complain about their partners co parent.

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