Exes and DSC

[Saveit]

Following several threads on here about first wives, step children and the tsunamis of hate towards step mums, anyone else want to raise their hands with me and say that factoring in DSC, exes and the often ridiculous demands is bloody hard work?!

How dare we have more children with a man who’s obviously fucked over his first family and clearly isn’t fit to be a father! How selfish of us to sometimes not want to dance to the monotonous tune that the ex continually bangs. How evil to want to fight for the needs of our children, when surely this is all that the ex is wanting?

Before I get shot down, I don’t display these feelings in any way to DSC and they are made to feel most welcome in their home. I enjoy spending time with them and they get on really well with their half siblings. They have a great relationship with their dad too. However, we are allowed to secretly not want to play happy families every breathing moment and want some space from it all from time to time (like the time I was in early stages of labour and the ex kicked off because the weekend with the DSC had to be swapped. ‘But surely you’d want them there to share such a special time like childbirth. They’re old enough to experience such a special time…’ )

step mums do have a reputation for good reason

Wrong. SM's have a reputation because of deep rooted misogyny and the madonna/whore complex that clouds anyones views. Some stepmums are shit because they're shit people. Not because they're step mums.
I would hazard a guess there's a lot more shit, dangerous and abusive 'biological' (i know, I know ffs) mothers than there are step mothers.

I’m totally with you on this OP. You won’t get a lot of support on here because there’s too much bitterness and those belonging to the ‘suck it up’ camp.

You’ll be told that you made your bed and for the rest of your time on this planet it is your duty to lie in it, whilst putting the needs of an ex and their DC before your own happiness and that of any DC that may follow. Been there and got the T-shirt.

I'm afraid some times stereotypes exist for a reason. The wicked stepmother whilst unfair to many has roots in truth. Quite often it's the OW who has helped break up a family leaving children devastated. Also after reading threads on here for many years there are an awful lot of shitty stepmother. Some wonderful ones too but they appear to be in the minority.

It's not rocket science. Never trust a man who has fucked over his first family. I'm constantly amazed at the number of threads from women complaining about DH and how little he does with her DSC. Just never get involved with a man with DC if you cant deal.

Quite often it's the OW who has helped break up a family leaving children devastated.

And quite often it's not, and (as in my case) you're on the scene months after a relationship breakdown so that part has nothing to do with you. Yet you still get treated with equal contempt on here as though you were the OW.

I’m not a step parent and neither is my other half but I was a stepchild.

It takes an incredibly mature and insightful adult to be a good stepparent. Unfortunately, the vast majority of us, myself included, are probably not cut out for it. Your needs will always be in opposition to the DSC’s needs in many ways and it is HARD to sacrifice yourself. The resentment builds up over time.

I don’t blame first wives for championing the kids needs and not being cooperative with their ex. Most men can’t afford to properly support two lots of children so the ex wife is often carrying the majority of the financial burden. They probably have been treated poorly by their ex husband - statistically men commit DV at vastly higher rates, but in my experience they are also responsible for more low level nastiness and abuse. After all, it’s more often than not women who file for divorce isn’t it? Not to mention the sheer number of men who do so little for their kids even when they do live with them full time.

@bluebeck

I have been a stepchild, a step mother, and now my own DC have a step mother.

No way would I ever again get involved with a man who had children.

In real life I don't know a single blended family where every member is happy. Usually the stepmother is having the shittest time of it.

I’ve seen that first hand with a few friends. One friend of mine even cut down her hours to enable the mum to study and bent over backwards constantly with nary a word of thanks from anyone other than her partner. Her partner couldn’t cut down his hours and she felt it was best for the child to have a happy mum with a good job so made the sacrifice. She is so good to that little girl and yet to hear the mum speak you would think that she’d never had any help and the step mum is awful.

YABU. Sorry but that's why I wouldn't touch a man with children with a bargepole. They come with baggage and you have to suck it up

This. I don't know of a single blended family where there aren't all sorts of issues. Successful ones are very rare imo. I wouldn't do that to my dc.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I'm afraid some times stereotypes exist for a reason. The wicked stepmother whilst unfair to many has roots in truth. Quite often it's the OW who has helped break up a family leaving children devastated. Also after reading threads on here for many years there are an awful lot of shitty stepmother. Some wonderful ones too but they appear to be in the minority.

It's not rocket science. Never trust a man who has fucked over his first family. I'm constantly amazed at the number of threads from women complaining about DH and how little he does with her DSC. Just never get involved with a man with DC if you cant deal.

My dp fucked over nobody. His ex on the other hand very much did. Should nobody trust her then or does it just apply to men?

@Thatsmydaughterinthewater

I’m not a step parent and neither is my other half but I was a stepchild.

It takes an incredibly mature and insightful adult to be a good stepparent. Unfortunately, the vast majority of us, myself included, are probably not cut out for it. Your needs will always be in opposition to the DSC’s needs in many ways and it is HARD to sacrifice yourself. The resentment builds up over time.

I don’t blame first wives for championing the kids needs and not being cooperative with their ex. Most men can’t afford to properly support two lots of children so the ex wife is often carrying the majority of the financial burden. They probably have been treated poorly by their ex husband - statistically men commit DV at vastly higher rates, but in my experience they are also responsible for more low level nastiness and abuse. After all, it’s more often than not women who file for divorce isn’t it? Not to mention the sheer number of men who do so little for their kids even when they do live with them full time.

What a huge generalisation and a bizarre attitude to have. Are you married?

I’ve seen that first hand with a few friends. One friend of mine even cut down her hours to enable the mum to study and bent over backwards constantly with nary a word of thanks from anyone other than her partner. Her partner couldn’t cut down his hours and she felt it was best for the child to have a happy mum with a good job so made the sacrifice. She is so good to that little girl and yet to hear the mum speak you would think that she’d never had any help and the step mum is awful.

That’s awful of the mum. So bloody ungrateful! Your friend is extremely generous to do what she’s done and the fact that she offered shows that she’s comfortable with it.

My ex’s ex wife wanted to change her hours at work and asked (through my ex) if I could help her. I know to some people that if I had said yes, I would have been putting the child first and all that. But I didn’t see it that way at all and I saw it purely as ex wife taking advantage. If I wanted to help I would have offered, but I personally didn’t see my ex’s ex wife’s childcare issues as my responsibility.

@Thatsmydaughterinthewater

I’m not a step parent and neither is my other half but I was a stepchild.

It takes an incredibly mature and insightful adult to be a good stepparent. Unfortunately, the vast majority of us, myself included, are probably not cut out for it. Your needs will always be in opposition to the DSC’s needs in many ways and it is HARD to sacrifice yourself. The resentment builds up over time.

I don’t blame first wives for championing the kids needs and not being cooperative with their ex. Most men can’t afford to properly support two lots of children so the ex wife is often carrying the majority of the financial burden. They probably have been treated poorly by their ex husband - statistically men commit DV at vastly higher rates, but in my experience they are also responsible for more low level nastiness and abuse. After all, it’s more often than not women who file for divorce isn’t it? Not to mention the sheer number of men who do so little for their kids even when they do live with them full time.

Big sweeping generalisation there.

I'm a step mum of two children. Their mum is hostile and therefore it's a hard situation all around. She will do anything to make life difficult and never puts the kids first, rather uses them as a weapon repeatedly.

I'm also the first wife of someone else with who I share kids with. It's pretty amicable. We see the bigger picture, I don't need to 'champion the kids needs' or stop being cooperative because I realise that despite me no longer being married to their father, he is in fact a good and capable dad.

I believe that a lot of men are given the opportunity. My DP would do anything for his children. Drop anything. Any time of the day. He would help out wherever and whenever needed - we have them 50/50 - but if his ex needed help anywhere, he would be there. Unfortunately, she'd rather ask someone else and then paint him in a bad light.

Sadly lots of step-parents do resent their step-children and it always completely baffles me. There are lots and lots of people who don’t already have children you could marry but you actively choose to marry the person with children. I don’t think you then get to whinge about their children or even issues with the ex because it’s what you signed up for. You made your bed.

I’ve read a fair few threads on here where step-mothers seem to want to exclude their step-children, often from holidays or expensive trips out. It’s very sad.

I don't get people's replies to the labour thing. It's like no one on here (I've seen this type of thing many a time), is ever expected to just be a decent human being even if they technically don't have to.

If my husband's ex went into labour (and last time she did!) there would be literally zero questions about who would have the children. It would be us. And it was exactly the same the other way round when we had our DC. No questions, just us all being decent. Yeah okay maybe we shouldn't technically be expected to and maybe she should make her own arrangements but come on, really? If she were working that is understandable but to just not have them simply for the sake of making a point that it's "not your time" is being shitty for the sake of it imo and not something I'd do, nor would DHs ex.

See it all the time here on various subjects, people whining about what they don't have to do for someone else. Sometimes it's just good to just think of another person other than yourself, I dunno.

On the whole general point, I don't think MN is as bad for step parents as some like to make out it is but there is definitely an undercurrent here of something against them. I have often read threads where a parent is complaining about the same thing regarding their own children and they are met with nothing but support. I've read threads here from parents saying they hate being a mum, don't like their kids ect and everyone has been supporting and kind and realised the poster is just struggling.

It certainly isn't the same when a SM posts similar.

As for the OW thing, which gets asked on every single thread practically, I actually don't think it's as common in real life as people make out. I rarely see poster's here who were the OW and I know a lot of step mothers in my life, none of whom even knew their husbands when they were married or with their ex.

There are stereotypes for all sorts of things, you can say that's for a reason but then people don't like when you bring up the "first wife" stereotype. No one wants to be stereotyped. In reality we're all just humans with our own thoughts, opinions and feelings that likely don't fall in line with whatever daft stereotypes we've been grouped in with.

@Youdiditanyway

Sadly lots of step-parents do resent their step-children and it always completely baffles me. There are lots and lots of people who don’t already have children you could marry but you actively choose to marry the person with children. I don’t think you then get to whinge about their children or even issues with the ex because it’s what you signed up for. You made your bed.

I’ve read a fair few threads on here where step-mothers seem to want to exclude their step-children, often from holidays or expensive trips out. It’s very sad.

This is just utter bullshit posted by someone who clearly has zero experience.

You don't "sign up" for anything.

All you know is someone has kids, and often to start with it's fine, sometimes it's fine for years. And then bam. It's not fine. By then though you're married and have your own kids.

In my case, the child wasn't the problem, it was his mother. It still is his mother. I didn't know his mother was such an abhorrent excuse for a human to start with because I would have run a fucking mile believe you me.

That isn't my fault, or dps fault. It's her fault. But how could I have known that? Weirdly she didn't declare to me that she would try and make my life hell for ten years when I got into a relationship with her ex but here we are.

There many situations where by people mull along nicely .Me, ex, dh and his ex dw get on well no dramas and we went to have dc with our retrospective partners. The good experiences arent posted about because there's no issues to speak of. You will find those posting about step parent who have ongoing issues not the ones who don't. Of course there's many difficult exs but equally unpleasant step moms aswell. There's one thread where the step mom listed a load of negative points about her dsd for being a typical child who's father upped and left her to move 1500 miles to live with his new partner and her daughters.

There are many families where the step arrangement works perfectly, including my own. But the issues it can bring are so well documented that it should serve as a warning. Post divorce I would never have become involved with a man with kids, and didn’t. And notwithstanding the good relationship I have with my sons step mum, I’m so glad on reading these boards I avoided becoming a step mum myself.

And I do think it's naive to expect people to just know immediately what it will be like. It seems things often develop and change over time. It doesn't always stay the same as "what you signed up for" initially.

My own situation, even though it's overall good between us all, has had ups and downs over the years, occasional fall outs and unreasonable behaviour from everyone involved, it hasn't always just stayed the same. That's life.

Too many generalisations are thrown out whether your an ex or SMs.The 'should have known what you were getting into' is the most common one. It applies sometimes, it doesn't in other circumstances.

An ex who moans that her OH wants to have contact on Xmas day, father's day etc.., who moves miles away and then expect the ex to do all the travelling and moans when he doesn't should certainly have thought at what she was getting into when she left him and moved.

The Ex who moved because her ex was abusive, who moans that he only wants to see the kids when it suits him, who is doing everything to hide income to pay as little maintenance as possible doesn't fall into that category.

The SM who finds herself criticized because she didn't buy her SC the same luxury present to her own child, who gets told off for not cooking a separate meal to suit SC, who is expected to look after SC when she is off on maternity leave doesn't fall into the category of 'you should have known what you were getting into'.

The SM who has an affair, move in with him within a few months, falls pregnant when she's hardly met the SCs, and then moans because mum is not happy with them staying overnight when the kids don't even have a bedroom for themselves because the spare room is being used as a nursery should have known what she was getting into.

All in all, I think that a lot of problems stem from the SM taking for gospel all what their partner is telling them. They seem to know everything about the ex, details that there is no reason to know about. I do think many dad like to draw their new partner in their drama and then even let them lead it because it suits them. They tell them what will get them steered up so that they can get all their sympathy and support and then take the crap for them. The new partner is in love and so take on everything they say and vilify the Ex. Just as the Ex assumes that everything they are not happy with comes from the new partner leading on their ex.

My dp fucked over nobody. His ex on the other hand very much did.

Same. Funnily enough though, that's never mentioned .... 🤷‍♀️

That isn't my fault, or dps fault. It's her fault
This, which comes thread after thread, is as frustrating to read as 'you made you bed, you lie in it' comments.

In situations where conflicts has reached the point where communication is almost completely impossible, it is very rarely a case of all the problems being only completely one sided. Even if it was fully started by one party, it's almost inevitable that the other party reacted in a defensive manner that fueled more conflict.

i think matters get to a stage of constant conflict and total inability to resolve anything when neither party are willing to look at their own contribution to the conflict because they are too engrossed in desperately trying to convince themselves and everyone else that all the problems are the sole doing of the other party, whilst the other party thinks exactly the same.

@ILikeYouALoaf

And I do think it's naive to expect people to just know immediately what it will be like. It seems things often develop and change over time. It doesn't always stay the same as "what you signed up for" initially.

My own situation, even though it's overall good between us all, has had ups and downs over the years, occasional fall outs and unreasonable behaviour from everyone involved, it hasn't always just stayed the same. That's life.

This. 100%. No knows exactly "what they are signing up for" unless they have a crystal ball.

Of course YANBU OP. The fact that there are genuinely so many people telling you you are BU purely for acknowledging that it can be difficult, says an awful lot 😂

@vivainsomnia

That isn't my fault, or dps fault. It's her fault This, which comes thread after thread, is as frustrating to read as 'you made you bed, you lie in it' comments.

In situations where conflicts has reached the point where communication is almost completely impossible, it is very rarely a case of all the problems being only completely one sided. Even if it was fully started by one party, it's almost inevitable that the other party reacted in a defensive manner that fueled more conflict.

i think matters get to a stage of constant conflict and total inability to resolve anything when neither party are willing to look at their own contribution to the conflict because they are too engrossed in desperately trying to convince themselves and everyone else that all the problems are the sole doing of the other party, whilst the other party thinks exactly the same.

Very rarely? Well my case is the rare one.

Dp did nothing wrong. He simply moved on and she did not like it. He has tolerated being both mentally and physically abused. He had his child taken away from him.

He's never even raised his voice at her and actually I wish he had because we would be in no worse of a situation but maybe the horrible arsehole would have realised he's not a doormat.

I'm sick and fucking tired of being told who's fault it was in my own situation. I was there. You fucking weren't. Your opinion matters not a fucking shit.

@aSofaNearYou

Of course YANBU OP. The fact that there are genuinely so many people telling you you are BU purely for acknowledging that it can be difficult, says an awful lot 😂

This!!

I’m not a stepmum, and I wasn’t a stepchild, so I have no personal experience to go on. I have, however, seen my DSis’s experience as a very loving stepmum to her DSS and has always treated him exactly the same as her own. (She was his primary carer through his teen years, when he went to his mum’s EOW.)

That didn’t mean that she wasn’t tearing her hair out sometimes, particularly as she wasn’t allowed to discipline him. (That did change, as it was unworkable, especially when she had her own DC.) I’m sure if she had put some of her feelings into an AIBU thread rather than in a moan to me she would have been told that she was totally unreasonable and resentful!

A lot of the AIBU threads I’ve seen have been simply a stepmum tearing her hair out and needing to vent, as they have no outlet in RL. Other times, yes, the stepmum does appear to be trying to exclude her DSC and deserves to be told YABU.

But mostly it really isn’t as black and white as sons posters want to make it appear.