Exes and DSC

[Saveit]

Following several threads on here about first wives, step children and the tsunamis of hate towards step mums, anyone else want to raise their hands with me and say that factoring in DSC, exes and the often ridiculous demands is bloody hard work?!

How dare we have more children with a man who’s obviously fucked over his first family and clearly isn’t fit to be a father! How selfish of us to sometimes not want to dance to the monotonous tune that the ex continually bangs. How evil to want to fight for the needs of our children, when surely this is all that the ex is wanting?

Before I get shot down, I don’t display these feelings in any way to DSC and they are made to feel most welcome in their home. I enjoy spending time with them and they get on really well with their half siblings. They have a great relationship with their dad too. However, we are allowed to secretly not want to play happy families every breathing moment and want some space from it all from time to time (like the time I was in early stages of labour and the ex kicked off because the weekend with the DSC had to be swapped. ‘But surely you’d want them there to share such a special time like childbirth. They’re old enough to experience such a special time…’ )

There's a special step parent bit if you think that might help? I find AIBU can get heated easily.

There's often a lot of hate towards SMs on here. Been on the receiving end myself. That being said, it has opened my eyes at times to various perspectives.

I would admit that I was very naïve when I got together with my now DH and DSD was 3. I thought everything would be lovely as DSD was a delightful child and by the time I realized just how awful being a step parent could be, and just how difficult other people could make my life, we were married with a child of our own. Not easy to just up and leave.

21 years later, I'd advise 23 year old me not to get involved. I wouldn't do it again.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult a babysitter for teens who don’t require a babysitter?! I’m sure that would’ve gone down well if we’d organised somewhere for them to go! They’d quite often choose to stay at theirs anyway, due to friends and social commitments their end and no one bothered then

I absolutely understand that if you choose a man with children you take on the responsibility. Totally get it! We do. For what it’s worth, we all get on really well, it’s worked well and runs smoothly over the years (from all angles) and I don’t feel anything negative really apart from the odd niggle now and again. I also understand that if the children had been younger then I might’ve looked at the relationship differently from the off or felt differently along the way…

I’m just saying that this Disney stereotype (which is no doubt sadly deserved in many situations) is ridiculous, we’re not all evil and sat at home ironing our black capes and next wicked plan. You probably pass pleasantries with ‘us’ in the supermarket, when we teach your children, operate on your dodgy knee, clean your houses, serve your drinks.

But we can moan or ask for some advice occasionally (such as recent posts about holidays, days out, bedrooms, home births) without the tirade of negativity! As with any parenting, biological or not, it’s tough going and it can wear you down, without the need for such negativity!

raises hand
I miscarried and DH's ex wouldn't have the kids (we have 50/50) because she had tickets to a stately home. I bled through on the sofa next to DSS who was crying. I broke down and ended up going to my nephews at the height of lockdown. A month before this, we had had the kids for a week extra because she had a sore throat.
Things are better now but I will never forgive her.

Posting on MN is the worst thing a stepparent can do.

All these people saying about 'baggage' and 'you knew what you were getting into '

When else is that used? What if we replied to parents of teens being moody 'Well you knew what you were getting into when you were pregnant'. Or a baby teething?

Support and unmumsnetty hugs for all stepmums.

I’m not here for support- just angry really for other posters who have come on here for just that! They get shot down so quickly because of their ‘role’.
Yes, i admit that it doesn’t always do the world of blended families any good with the negativity and seemingly hierarchical status that some people place over their biological children and DSC. However, advice can be given with regard to the question posted, rather than a backlash of wicked stepmother comments.

PollyPepper that is awful. I don't know why mum thinks you'll ever do her any favours again after that.

I think the issue is everyone posts on threads based on what their experiences are and have been, because that is what they are used for. Also you are more likely to post on SM thread for an advice that is causing a concern or that you are not happy with and then everyone bombs in with a response and then people end up back tracking or drip feeding.

Even the post of threads, bet if you asked AIBU to not want the teenagers at my birth and asking DH to sort it you would get a resounding YANBU, saying should I not have my DSC's at ours the weekend you are giving birth the it would likely be YADBU because it is their home also.

I am a M and SM, I have an ex who is a NRP who has been a dick in the past and my current DH was NRP but now RP. I have been on all sides and actually, being a parent is hard.

Factoring in several households, different attitudes towards parenting, animosity about who gets the easier life, who gets kids more, who's free weekend trumps who's, rights of SDC's against rights of RDC's is actually a nightmare and can cause resentment and issues on all sides that people then come and rant on an anonymous forum and people seem to not accept that it is just that, a rant that you can't have in RL, a snap shot of the situation not the relationship in its entirety.

The thing is it is just kids in the middle of it all. I have seen people wading in on lone parents as much as on here. I have been slated on SM thread before several times (under different usernames) sometimes it hurts a bit but on the whole, people on here don't know you or the life your a living, some things make you think ahh, never thought of it from that point, sometimes it makes you think how to word things in RL better to get your view across. Sometimes it just makes you come off for a while and take a break.

However, we are allowed to secretly not want to play happy families every breathing moment and want some space from it all from time to time

If you wanted space you shouldn’t have married a man who had children already. I don’t envy stepmums but you went into it with your eyes wide open. YANBU to not wanting 2 teenage boys with you while you’re in labour but YABU for the rest of it tbh. Being the RP is fucking hard work. You sound like you have a right chip on your shoulder if single mums posting about how their ex isn’t seeing their kids/not paying enough maintenance/seems to have forgotten about their kids caused you to write this. People will always rant about what bothers them.

@PollyPepper

I’m so sorry you went through this. It sounds such a rough time for you. And I agree, you don’t want this happening with children around. Surely there needs to be a point, even in a broken relationship with an ex, where they realise that their children shouldn’t be exposed to this. You’d also hope that she had enough compassion towards your DP (and you for that matter) to realise what a truly traumatic time you were going through. You show this towards a stranger!

This is the point I’m getting to, exactly as you’ve put it. It’s beyond ridiculous that the argument of ‘baggage’ etc etc is thrown into a post about asking if paprika, smoked or not, is what you should be putting into the chilli that your DSC requested for their birthday meal!
Far too many bitter people on here!!

@MouldyPotato

PollyPepper that is awful. I don't know why mum thinks you'll ever do her any favours again after that.

Thank you. That actually means a lot because no one has ever said that to me, and we still do favours for her now. I will never forgive or forget and I don't think anyone could.

You want people to look at things from your side, but you're unwilling to do the same 🤷🏻‍♀️

It was unfair to expect the ex to put herself out, you clearly think its absolutely fine. Your dh should have made plans that didn't involve the ex.

You may well be in her position one day, then you'll get it.

@cadburyegg I’m first to put my hands up and say I want some adult time away from my own DC! I can’t wait for my upcoming spa weekend with my girlfriends!

It was unfair to expect the ex to put herself out, you clearly think its absolutely fine. Your dh should have made plans that didn't involve the ex.

She would have been putting herself out for her own kids why would they want to see their step mum giving birth?! They probably wouldn't want their step mum watching them!

I knew I was too selfish to settle down with a man with children

As I said, the dad should have arranged an alternative place for them to be so the ex didn't have to change her plans. They didn't have to be there while she was giving birth

Ah just saw they are boys.

Still don't know why they'd want to be in the house when stepmum is in labour. It would be in their best interests to stay with their other parent who can't just ditch them when it suits them.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

As I said, the dad should have arranged an alternative place for them to be so the ex didn't have to change her plans. They didn't have to be there while she was giving birth

Yes, best alternative plan is with their other parent. If my DSC's mum can't look after them while she has a medical appointment she asks their dad first and he prioritises it as he is their dad 100% of the time not just on "his" weekends

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I may very well be in that situation, who knows. I do know that if I am then my children will be very well catered for, emotionally, socially, financially, from both myself and my DH. Just as has happened with his children.

I will also probably be ranting about his ex too- it’s the ex’s prerogative! I will, however, been a realist and if something isn’t appropriate, or plans change at the last minute, will suck it up with my own support network. And then come on here to proclaim to the world of MN what a dick the man is!

Many step parents have a partner issue not an ex wife/husband issue my ex tells everyone I block access to his children I dont he dumped them frequently ringing me screaming to get my ass home so he could drop them off dumped them during the pandemic then asked to see them for an hour twice a week his last fiance and his latest one totally believe him to the point they participate in vandalising my car because I'm so nasty vile person who totally wants him back and withholds the children to get my own way

Its utter bollocks the whole lot for everytime he reduced contact i pushed for it to go back up he is now fixed on his "hour" telling people I won't up it he has literally never discussed it with me and after 7 long years I'm tired of pushing

Thankfully he has had the snip so there arnt any others suffering

It's the constant assumption that your DP is AN AWFUL DAD WHO DESERTED HIS FIRST FAMILY. Like the ex-wife couldn't have possibly have played any part in the break-up. The ex-wives have never done wrong. Ever.

I agree with you OP. But MN sees stepmums as second class, and undeserving of sympathy, so you will get very short shrift here.

And that's how it should be @MouldyPotato. My DP would have his children at the drop of a hat, any day of the week but then we have the other side of the coin. My DP's ex would rather ask a stranger off the street to mind the kids than ask him to help out outside of his allotted 'time'. She would see it as him taking some of 'her time'.

I do know some decent step mums in real life, but I don't think they post on MN.

I get that women who choose to become step mums often end up in lose-lose situations, but the kids pretty much always seem to have it worse.

@CornishGem1975 that’s really tough for you and also hard for your children.

It's all a minefield, I speak as a mum of 2 teenagers who have a SM and as a SM myslef. Personally I knew I wasn't really cut out to be SM to young children (and also put my own childrens happiness first), so I ensured when dating etc I avoided men with young children. When I met my husband SS was 15, now hes a grown up, it was all manageable. Split families, there are issues all round, my kids feel they miss out on involvment at their dads house (they are actually very fortuate and have good relationship with their dad and SM, but they cannot have the same experience as their younger half brother who is a full time memeber of that household). As a parent I have to share my chidren with their dad and sm, not always easy as you wave them off on birthdays, xmas and holidays etc. Step families and all involved all have their own issues, it requires patience, understanding and flexibility all round. At times as a SM and as a mum I get it wrong. But I do try to see everything from everyone's perspective and be reasonable. In an ideal world families wouldn't split and everyone wuld live happily ever fter sadly life isn't a fairy tail.