Aibu to think wedding photographer should have said she’s pregnant?

[baddaughter2021]

Just that really. Even if she has a few months to go to due date by the time of wedding shouldn’t she have told us?

I think COVID adds another wrinkle into this as well - what happens if restrictions change, and then you have to shield? Could the bride be worried that you might go "Oh hell no, I'm not going to be in a room that may have a load of unvaccinated people"?

I still agree that pregnancy = your business though. I think maybe it's something where you could beef up your discussions around 'Plan B' in the event of any kind of problem that will stop you delivering the service so the bride is reassured that you've thought about it. e.g. my MALE photographer explained that the booking was for him + a second reportage photographer. In the event of a problem the service provided would be the surviving photographer, etc. etc.So unless they shared a car to the venue and had a crash, I knew that I would most likely get the service on the day.

I can see why the bride was a bit off about it. After a year of being fucked about by Covid, it must feel like another thing that can get in the way and add stress.

@EarringsandLipstick Yes, she was the reason. I assume morning sickness made her late in the morning. With 40 mins before taxis arrived I asked her if she still had time to do the two bridesmaids' makeup, as one of them could have done their own. She said yes, no problem. We were still there in the room getting ready when I should have been at the end of the aisle!

That said, there's no way I could have not paid her. I was cross, yes, but like I said it wasn't the end of the world. My guests were fine.

Thread gets so confusing when it's a reverse!

Sure it was a reverse OP, I completely believe you.

If you wouldn't have that practical discussion with any photographer then it's probably time to drop the pretence that the concern is about back up plans and acknowledge that the issue is that you're probably concerned the sight of a pregnant stranger might take guests' eyes off the bride for 10 seconds

? What do you mean? Pregnant women aren't a distraction, what on earth are you talking about?

I'd just be concerned that they might not be able to deal with a whole day's work - being a photographer isn't easy and is physical work. But as others have said, I'd expect them to have robust back-up plans. Not that I asked my wedding photographer if she'd send someone else if she was ill - never occurred to me - we'd have had to rely on guests' pictures.

YABU. Beyond unreasonable, this reverse malarkey is really tired, and manipulative. Just come on here, like a normal person, and say that someone objected to you being pregnant and not telling them. That is really unreasonable of them, and discriminatory.

YABU for posting a reverse. Ridiculous. Just post what you want to say in the first instance instead of confusing people.

However, wedding couples can be an absolute pain about things like that. I provide music for weddings. One couple three or four years ago were getting married in September. They asked me what my summer holiday plans were. When I said I was going on a long-distance trek they asked me to cancel as I could injure myself and I would miss their wedding.
I said absolutely not and if they weren't happy they were free to cancel their booking with me and find someone else. Which they didn't - I went on my trek and did the wedding.

I, like other people performing at weddings/photographers etc, have plenty of contacts for people who could replace me at the last minute if anything were to happen.

It really reflects on society that women are the ones that are saying this to you @baddaughter2021

Just another opinion from the other side of this (massively outing but never mind). I used to be a wedding singer. I got pregnant with DD with a whole summer of weddings ahead of me, and made the choice to mention it all my couples once I got to about 25 weeks.

This was mostly because of my personal experience of 5 years of infertility and IVF trying to conceive DD - I knew that if I had been going through that when I got married and my wedding singer turned up unexpectedly heavily pregnant I would have found it hugely upsetting if I'd not had time to prepare myself (not going into the whys or wherefores of this, it's just a fact).

Not saying other wedding suppliers should do this, just my choice. I took DH with me as my roadie for the later gigs to make sure I was never on my own, and always had a plan B.

My last wedding was at 34-35 weeks, booked over a year before I got pregnant. I told the couple early on, gave them the option to cancel as I understood they might be a bit nervous - I was due to be with them the whole day and sing during their ceremony, meal and first dance/evening party. They insisted they were fine to go ahead if I was, didn't want to cancel etc.

The day came, I finished up the ceremony, went to the toilet and my waters broke . Started contractions, had to leave and go to hospital and DD was born around 4 hours later. The couple were so so lovely about it and thankfully I'd planned back-up playlists for the venue and DJ to use in the event of something happening, but it wasn't how I planned my last gig to go!

Obv not saying that you're obliged to disclose pregnancy (or that all pregnant wedding suppliers will go into early labour) but it can happen .

@tiredmama2020

“
@Sausageroll67 I think that’s a pretty unfair comment to make!! Not all women are off sick during their pregnancy! I was on my feet for 10hour shifts in retail 5 days a week until I was 38 weeks pregnant and never missed even a single hour of work for an appointment or illness or otherwise!”

Good for you (even with your “poor me” type username, looks like you like to “play” on the fact you have children) , but I’ve seen it happen so often when I worked in the rat race. I’m self employed now and if I ever had cause to employ someone, I would never employ a female of child bearing age. As it was on my wedding day when I had a male photographer present.

YABU. Totally.

It's none of your business.

@LolaSmiles

It's really sad how many women on this thread support maternity discrimination.

Common sense says that when you meet with a photographer you ask what their plans are in the event of illness or emergency events. Illness or emergencies could could happen anyone. That practical discussion can be had without expecting people to announce their pregnancy status.

If you wouldn't have that practical discussion with any photographer then it's probably time to drop the pretence that the concern is about back up plans and acknowledge that the issue is that you're probably concerned the sight of a pregnant stranger might take guests' eyes off the bride for 10 seconds.

I'm a bit conflicted here.

Emergency plans should of course be discussed regardless of circumstance. The photographer could fall ill etc at any time. All good.

My issue though would be photographer misjudging their own capabilities by turning up - but then not providing a good service because of their pregnancy. I have seen this happen once during the 3 years I worked in the events industry. The sheer size of the bump and how slow she was made it difficult to move among the crowd and capture a good variety of shots.

While it's unfair to discriminate against pregnant women, it's also ludicrous to pretend that pregnancy has zero impact on physical jobs. Some women are lucky, have tiny bumps and are as agile as ever. Some not.

Also the backup photographer might not provide a good service , leading back to the same problem.

The solution is not to disclose the pregnancy but to ensure that wedding insurance/refund policies etc are as comprehensive as possible to get your money back. And make sure that you get everything from suppliers etc in writing so that if you complain on social media you have proof of what was agreed and how it's not up to standard. 'Why' it's not up to standard (photographer ill, malfunctioning equipment etc) is irrelevant. Just that it's not. Full stop.

Ooops didn't see this was a reverse @baddaughter2021 - but YANBU. However, maybe the PP who ask about your contingency plans - whatever the reason - have a point.

But I don't envy you dealing with Bridezillas ...

[quote Sausageroll67]@tiredmama2020

“
@Sausageroll67 I think that’s a pretty unfair comment to make!! Not all women are off sick during their pregnancy! I was on my feet for 10hour shifts in retail 5 days a week until I was 38 weeks pregnant and never missed even a single hour of work for an appointment or illness or otherwise!”

Good for you (even with your “poor me” type username, looks like you like to “play” on the fact you have children) , but I’ve seen it happen so often when I worked in the rat race. I’m self employed now and if I ever had cause to employ someone, I would never employ a female of child bearing age. As it was on my wedding day when I had a male photographer present.[/quote]
@Sausageroll67 Are you female? Nice to see you being so supportive of pregnant working women - and just women in general 🙄🤣 you sound like a fucking joy 🙄👏🏼

@Fluffycloudland77

Unless your grooms the father I don’t see how it’s relevant.

This was my exact thought

[quote Sausageroll67]@tiredmama2020

“
@Sausageroll67 I think that’s a pretty unfair comment to make!! Not all women are off sick during their pregnancy! I was on my feet for 10hour shifts in retail 5 days a week until I was 38 weeks pregnant and never missed even a single hour of work for an appointment or illness or otherwise!”

Good for you (even with your “poor me” type username, looks like you like to “play” on the fact you have children) , but I’ve seen it happen so often when I worked in the rat race. I’m self employed now and if I ever had cause to employ someone, I would never employ a female of child bearing age. As it was on my wedding day when I had a male photographer present.[/quote]
Also to add - pretending that pregnancy has no impact on a job doesn't prevent discrimination. It's the opposite. People won't want to hire women.
The statement that some women can and do work all through pregnancy logically implies that some can't.
Again as discussed there should be back-up plans anyway but if the photographer turns up and does a bad job because they're pregnant you don't have much recourse. I'd rather we acknowledge how hard it could be for some women - and if photographer is heavily pregnant activate the backup rather than just chancing it.

@Merida80

Sure it was a reverse OP, I completely believe you.

I'm a bit sceptical too. The op was quick to claim reverse when the posts had been so anti the bride in this thread. No more posts since either.

I don't see how it is anyone's business if you are able to do your job as you usually do. However they are obviously concerned that if anything unexpected happened you have a plan B. Do you have someone that will help on the day to carry things, if its a hot day, getting bigger and uncomfortable. If you were for any reason not able to make the day, sickness, urgent appointment/admittance who will step in?

Did you tell her you don't like pregnant women?

Would she also have had to tell you her religion, and how she voted?

If a man had asked your question on MN.......

Yes I am female @tiredmama2020

I am also childfree and have not found my 20 plus years in the rat race picking up the slack of pregnant women or indeed 'tired mamas' a 'joy'. So no, I stand by my preferences of who I would employ now based on my own personal experience.

@Sausageroll67

Yes I am female *@tiredmama2020*

I am also childfree and have not found my 20 plus years in the rat race picking up the slack of pregnant women or indeed 'tired mamas' a 'joy'. So no, I stand by my preferences of who I would employ now based on my own personal experience.

@Sausageroll67 I’m sorry that you’ve had such a hard time picking up the slack for us inconvenient pregnant women 🙄

@Sausageroll67

Yes I am female *@tiredmama2020*

I am also childfree and have not found my 20 plus years in the rat race picking up the slack of pregnant women or indeed 'tired mamas' a 'joy'. So no, I stand by my preferences of who I would employ now based on my own personal experience.

That's your company's fault for forcing you to pick up the slack and not providing adequate cover. You're angry at the wrong people. If nobody had babies who do you think will be the doctors, paramedics, carers etc when you're old? This isn't an issue in isolation FFS

@Sausageroll67, very hurt by your view - I hope my colleagues have more heart than you. I've just had to have 3 days off, and another 2 days recently due to 'pregnancy related' issues - bleeding, cramping and falling down the stairs to be specific, so yeah, 'just because I can'. Since most of my colleagues have much worse sickness records than I do, I don't feel guilty for them 'picking up my slack'. I hadn't had any sick days since 2019 before this. It doesn't take someone pregnant to take the mick with that kind of thing!

God this is going off piste. You ruined it as soon as you said it was a reverse. People will never take you seriously. Ask mumsnet to remove your thread and start again.

I would not think a thing about pregnancy affecting your ability to do your job but as @StepBackPlease said I would think it may be worth mentioning in case the couple are having issues with fertility or baby loss.

A friend of mine went through IVF and suffered a miscarriage just as she was planning her wedding. A visibly pregnant photographer turning up when she hadn’t had time to prepare herself would’ve really upset her.