It takes a village to raise a child?

[newmummy21]

Bear with me. I'm extremely sleep deprived and mentally and emotionally worn down.

How do you cope with a new baby when you have no "village"? Our baby is almost 3 months and we are on our knees. We have no family help - we are just an exhausted 2 man team. We speak to each other like we hate each other most days (not all... but it's a LOT). It's a constant game of oneupmanship - "I had less sleep than you" / "you had 5 minutes longer in the shower than I did"... etc.

I kid you not, yesterday I started an argument with him because he had a shower that lasted five minutes longer than mine, and this isn't "fair". 🙈

To listen to us most days, you'd think we were sworn enemies. Yet pre baby, we were the best of friends and very strong in our relationship. I am so sad about where this has gone and if it will ever come back. 😥

So my questions are - at what point do you stop wanting to kill each other after a baby? At what point do you get any semblance of your pre baby relationship back? And are we finding it harder because we have no village to help us? Or would most couples be like this post baby?

Thanks for any thoughts

Tbh I am a bit skeptical about the village to raise a child thing.

I don’t think it means that a village help you with sleep or a new baby. I think it just means in terms of keeping an eye on children, ensuring they are safe, that sort of thing.

It is hard, though. DP and I don’t really argue but he does sometimes really irritate me and it’s lack of sleep. Like when he started poking around looking for something last night and knocked over a toy. Just an accident and tbh I’ve done it myself but it really annoyed me. We had a bad night last night and he’s wfh and keeps coming in the bedroom. I think he’s checking I’m okay but i am even finding that annoying.

I do think what’s helpful is to say what you need. ‘Can you have baby while I have a long shower’ is perfectly fine ‘you were too long in the shower’ not so much

As someone who didn't have a village at this stage I think the answer is you start getting the relationship back once the baby sleeps better. Specifically when they can go down for an hour or two alone in the evening.

It's pretty normal for new parents to despise each other at this point. Just tag team for now and get through it.

OP i feel you. I was resentful, bitter and so frustrated post baby.
It does get better.
We don’t have a village either, were also a 2 man team.
We almost split.
I want to say it got easier around 6-8m post partum, because the hormones really settled down. You will find your feet again, sorry I don’t have any advice, hopefully someone will come along soon with better advice!
But maybe dad can take baby one day and you go see some friends? And do the same in return for your partner? Once you have opportunity to breathe and eat in peace, wee in peace and even have a natter with some friends you’ll feel a bit more refreshed. Babys are hard work especially with no extra help xxx

In the nicest possible way OP, could it be PND?
We have 3 DC and no “village” (never heard of this) and I never felt like this. Do you have any friends you could speak to or could you get a babysitter if you’re struggling so you can go out for an hour or so?

I hope you feel better soon

I have 4 and a single parent, I have no village, kids dad doesn’t see them and family refuse to help so 🤷‍♀️ I’ve learnt not to expect help of people (though it would have been nice 😏)

DP and I had plenty of help when our dc were born however it didn't stop the one up manship about lack of sleep, who changed more nappies, who baby settled better with etc and in a way it created more as we'd bicker about each other's families and whose mil was interfering more or which grandparent baby preferred
I'll be honest and say that we are still a bit like this and my dc are pre-teen.

I've always taken the "village" thing to mean that when kids are out playing they get a bollocking for unacceptable behaviour, people keep an eye out for kids, and when they're older they go on playdates etc.

We were like this. We do have family although my parents are dead and DH’s parents are older and not particularly interested in providing any practical support which is absolutely their right of course. My siblings live further away and have a lot on, so although they love to see and cuddle our little one now we’re out of lockdown there’s not a lot they can do in terms of practical support either.

We also had DD in lockdown before we were allowed any kind of support bubble.

I honestly contemplated divorce every day since my baby was born. DH is great, it’s not that he doesn’t do his share, but it was still different for him in lots of ways. I still feel tired and angry and resentful from time to time and she’s nearly one. We had a real humdinger this weekend just gone actually because after a sleepless night for me I somehow didn’t get the lie in her usually facilitates at the weekend and then I was wrestling with her to have a nap which she was refusing and I was getting tense and stressed because I’m trying really hard to improve naps so nighttime sleep might be better and I just got very tense then came downstairs to see hed just sat on his arse the whole time and not thought to put the dishwasher on or hang the washing out or pick up the toys that were all over the living room.

But it’s definitely a lot better than it was and I don’t actively want to kill him quite as much as I once did The above isn’t representative of what he’s generally like and I have to take a deep breath and accept he’s allowed a bit of downtime, as long as he ensures I get some too - which he did later that day and the next.

Don’t get into competitive tiredness, there’s never a winner. Just try with all you have to remember you’re on the same team.

I found remembering to give him a hug even when I didn’t always feel like it, and remembering to say thank you for all you do too even though inside I’m thinking ‘but it’s not as much as me!’ He always thanks me and says how much he appreciates me too, even when ten minutes previously we’ve been snarling at each other.

And we have a nothing that gets said in the middle of the night counts policy too.

I'm so sorry to read this. I absolutely hear you. We had no family, no friends, no respite to help us and had to do it completely alone. It is grinding, heartbreakingly difficult. We too have a strong relationship, but it was tested to the limit when DS was a ( poorly premature ) baby.

Just know that it will pass. You have to tag-team. Each day take it in turns to have a long shower, a ten minute lie down, a cup of tea made for you.

Hugs and good luck! 💕

It’s so hard op. Although we had people that wanted to help, our dd was born in lockdown 1 and we couldn’t have any help and I remember feeling exactly like you about my partner.

I started feeling resentful that he was back at work ( albeit at home mind you ) but I felt he was getting a break while I was left with the baby, she wouldn't sleep without being in my arms or being rocked all the time, it was so hard going and I remember us arguing like you and your partner and I broke and told him how I was feeling about 4 months in. At 6 months I decided everything had to change for all of us and started a proper routine when she could go to bed by herself but kept her in our room mind you until she was 9 months as I just didn’t feel ready to move her into her own room yet but I stuck with it and after about 3 nights we got our nights back again and my god what a difference.

It does get easier and I know it’s not going to help just now but hang on in there it will get better.

If I’m being totally honest between the pregnancy for me, the labour which ended in an EMCS after 47 hrs ( 17 hours active labour ) and those first 6 months, it’s totally put me off having another one but once it got to that 6 months stage for me it all changed. I’ve not changed my mind about having another one mind you lol! But I do remember feeling regret at one point but not any more. It will get easier xx

And I Agree with the pp saying it takes a village just means other people looking out for your kids rather than actually looking after them

Tag team, give each other times to nap/rest when you can. Avoid the temptation to start who is the tiredest contest. Forgive easily when the other is snappy.

I used to go to bed at 9pm and dh was in charge of baby 9-12.30am then he went to bed and I got up for next feed after 12.30. Meant we did both get a few hours sort of uninterrupted.

It is normal and it does get easier.

We almost split.

We have sadly had these conversations/ arguments. Barely 3 months into parenting our planned, much wanted, much loved baby. It breaks my heart 😥

The competitive tiredness/who has had the hardest day were the WORST bits of parenting in the early days.

I agree with PP about saying what you need, and also acknowledging that your partner is struggling and finding it difficult to adjust. It will get better as your baby starts to sleep more.

In the meantime, I found that having defined roles was really helpful. So I did night feeds, DH did late evenings/early starts. This way, DH knew he could get a decent block of sleep from 11pm to 5am. I knew that I could go to bed early and hand the baby to DH at 5am, allowing me to sleep until 8. This meant that I wasn't lying there resentfully in the night wondering if/when DH would get up etc and he wasn't stressed about having to go to work on no sleep.

That sounds really tough OP. I know this can be easier said than done, but I always make a conscious effort not to get into the competitive complaining, tit for tat thing. Obviously you don't want to become a martyr who's taken for granted by your DP either but I find that if you show sympathy for each other and assume that favours will be returned in some form, things usually balance out in the end (as long as your partner is half decent). I know that's really hard when you're both sleep deprived and grumpy though.

That phrase means when they are being little shits when they are older I can tell them that as a random local and you won't bring a pitchfork to my house. Not that everyone is available to look after the kid.

It sounds as though you perhaps didn’t have much practice in disagreeing, falling out and making up before the baby came?

@AliasGrape you sound like us … I’m really struggling with ds sleep at the moment. he nearly broke me last night.

Sleep deprivation and exhaustion are the crucial factors here. Humans don’t have a parent switch to make us perfectly able to
adapt without the passage of time. You are both learning as you go. This is perfectly normal. It WILL PASS. You will find your groove and cope better in time. Just remember to be kind to each other. Make sure you have a cuddle when you realise you are starting to turn on each other. You WILL
BE OK.

Is it normal to just carry so much resentment too? Constantly pointing out to him how much I've been through compared to him - a difficult pregnancy and delivery that has taken its toll on my body, the hormonal rollercoaster, the loss of my identity (he gets to go to work and keep a sense of who he was pre baby - my whole life is baby, baby, baby), I'm breastfeeding and she's permanently attached to me... etc. I'm just full of unhealthy resentment. How do I stop throwing that in his face all the time? 😥

He can’t do much about those things

For me my village with a baby was the other parents I met at groups. We weren't looking after each others children at that stage but we were supporting each other. We could sound off and get sympathy, no one judged (or even noticed) if you looked rough as fuck. That's what got me through the baby stage ultimately.

Lockdown has ruined this for many obviously but I'm really hoping things will open up soon.

Can you sit down together and have a proper conversation about how you’re treating each other and how it makes you feel?

We have a 4 week old and I think we were 2 weeks in and my DH made a comment about all the things he’d done around the house that day when I asked him for something. We had a conversation that evening where I said we can’t point score off each other, it’s vile. We both just need to do our best.

One up manship and point scoring hasn’t happened since. And tbh I’d go ape shit if it did. We never spoke to each other that way before baby and I don’t see why having a baby makes it acceptable.

If one of you is struggling just say and ask for help but don’t take it out on each other.

How do I stop throwing that in his face all the time?

That does sound unhelpful. could you try to own these decisions and think more about what you need and how to get those needs met?

We have 3 DC and no family help, just the two of us. In hindsight, I think nearly all the strife and bad feelings early on were caused by lack of sleep. And once you start getting better sleep, it gets easier. Obviously when that happens will vary with each child. We've been married 16 years now and the first 3-5 months of being new parents was the worst time in our marriage.

What helped was DH getting to lie in on Saturday mornings and me getting to on Sundays. Set a time to be up by so there is no resentment.

Also once our baby was having regular naps, DH would also sleep during in the afternoon during this time ( on the weekends) and I would have an hour of watching TV in peace or reading. We kept this up for years until DC stopped napping. No running around tidying up or jobs getting done.
It does get easier, eventually.