It takes a village to raise a child?

[newmummy21]

Bear with me. I'm extremely sleep deprived and mentally and emotionally worn down.

How do you cope with a new baby when you have no "village"? Our baby is almost 3 months and we are on our knees. We have no family help - we are just an exhausted 2 man team. We speak to each other like we hate each other most days (not all... but it's a LOT). It's a constant game of oneupmanship - "I had less sleep than you" / "you had 5 minutes longer in the shower than I did"... etc.

I kid you not, yesterday I started an argument with him because he had a shower that lasted five minutes longer than mine, and this isn't "fair". 🙈

To listen to us most days, you'd think we were sworn enemies. Yet pre baby, we were the best of friends and very strong in our relationship. I am so sad about where this has gone and if it will ever come back. 😥

So my questions are - at what point do you stop wanting to kill each other after a baby? At what point do you get any semblance of your pre baby relationship back? And are we finding it harder because we have no village to help us? Or would most couples be like this post baby?

Thanks for any thoughts

@Notimeforaname

Why do people have children and then complain theres no 'village' or family around to help them??! 🙄 Also the amount of couples who blame the childrens arrival for the relationship falling apart. No..that will be you as a couple..not having the correct coping skills to get by,day by day and respect each other. .

Wow. Op comes on and is obviously struggling. Why do people feel the need to pile on and try and make her feel more shit?

Its something I struggle to hear as I hear it all the time. How the children ruined the relationship.

Obviously raising children is fucking hard but no,its not normal for partners to resent and fight just because they had kids.

Everyone fights and resents...regardless of if there are kids in the mix.
We have to constantly readjust and learn to cope with life.

But when kids come along it seems fine to blame their arrival on the demise of the relationship and that makes me feel awful for the children as it was most definitely NOT their fault.

It's a very hard time. And it can literally break you and/or your relationship. But do try to keep some empathy and patience and respect for each other. It's important to hold it back when you get into tit for tat about who has it worse. Of course that's only in the case where your partner is actually doing their best with their best intentions for you and your baby. (No need to hold your tongue or be respectful when partner is a useless selfish fucker).

But I like what a PP said, the enemy is the baby, not your partner (unless partner is useless fucker mentioned above. Then he's the enemy).

In my e person who if having had 3 babies... things get considerably easier at around 6 months then You stop hating each other when the baby is approaching 1! Hang in there, you’re doing a really hard But important job!

@MoreAloneTime

As someone who didn't have a village at this stage I think the answer is you start getting the relationship back once the baby sleeps better. Specifically when they can go down for an hour or two alone in the evening.

It's pretty normal for new parents to despise each other at this point. Just tag team for now and get through it.

I agree with this 💯 My baby is 9 weeks (my second). At "bedtime" she will sleep for 5 hours. I have adjusted my day to suit her. She doesn't go down until about 1am so I stay up till then, sleep for 5 hours, get up do the school run and mum stuff then go back to sleep when she naps again. I'm past the wanting to kill partner stage 🤣 things will get back to normal when you settle into a routine xx

*experience not ‘e person!’
sorry for random capital letters too!

And yes it also frustrates me to see people desperate for children..and then when they have them, complain they have no family or village nearby to help look after them. I am not wrong or mean for having an opinion. I feel for the children,that is how I feel.

Everyone fights and resents...regardless of if there are kids in the mix.
But when kids come along it seems fine to blame their arrival on the demise of the relationship and that makes me feel awful for the children as it was most definitely NOT their fault.

It isn't the child's fault. But it's well acknowledged that the arrival of a child is one of the biggest strains on a relationship and the strain of COPING with a new baby can break a relationship. Not the baby, but coping with the new life.

Oh you're really in the trenches - hang in there! I was the same, spoke with disdain towards my husband but in my case I feel it was deserved as I was a one woman team, he did practically nothing with our DD and so the resentment was huge. My
Mum was my "village" and without her I shudder to think how low I would have gone.

It's a massive adjustment, particularly for the mother. It highlights just how "unequal" things still are and will always be due to female biology. Things cannot be "equal" even in the best of relationships as long as women are the ones who birth, breastfeed etc. However, sleep deprivation really is hell on earth, it turned me into a monster. It's natural to be intensely irritable when you're completely exhausted. Once your baby starts sleeping through things will dramatically shift. Try to prioritise sleep as much as possible. Pump milk if you can and get a night off every Saturday for example. Spare room/ear buds, I remember my sister visited and took DD overnight while I slept in our living room as it was the furthest away from the baby and I remember getting a solid 8 hours and feeling like a new woman!

It isn't the child's fault. But it's well acknowledged that the arrival of a child is one of the biggest strains on a relationship and the strain of COPING with a new baby can break a relationship. Not the baby, but coping with the new life

I agree..I think more could be done to prepare for arrival of the baby. More than just getting things ready for baby.

I think couples get distracted about having all ready for baby..that they forget about themselves and do nothing to prepare their relationship for strain. They have all the coping skills for baby..but none for them.
. Then it all falls apart and they say things like ''having a baby ruined our marriage ''

It's hard enough to keep a relationship together without children.

You’ve made your point @Notimeforaname.

OP, I’m coming out the other side of this at 6 months. Still a bit sleep deprived, still breastfeeding, but not harbouring as much resentment. If DH wasn’t just so bloody reasonable, we’d have had huge arguments by now.

What helped for me was acknowledging to myself and DH that I was being irrational but I couldn’t help it. Agreeing a schedule for sleep shifts & accepting I wasn’t going to have a nice evening with DH in front of the TV. Equally making sure I have time for a shower and breakfast in the morning before DH starts work. As soon as he finishes work, he takes DS and I cook ( I enjoy it, it’s how I decompress) - you can switch this for something you enjoy - a run, a bath etc.

As a PP said, make your own village. DS is 6.5 months old and we have had “help” for four days of his life. I’ve never been that conscious of the sisterhood, but there is something about new mums that just bonds you regardless of background. Even just a walk and coffee in the park with another mum breaks the day up & you’ve got a sounding board/other pair of hands.

@Notimeforaname

Its something I struggle to hear as I hear it all the time. How the children ruined the relationship.

Obviously raising children is fucking hard but no,its not normal for partners to resent and fight just because they had kids.

Everyone fights and resents...regardless of if there are kids in the mix.
We have to constantly readjust and learn to cope with life.

But when kids come along it seems fine to blame their arrival on the demise of the relationship and that makes me feel awful for the children as it was most definitely NOT their fault.

Please point out where I have "blamed" the "demise" of my relationship on my child???

1. it's hasn't ended - my relationship hasn't ended, we are just going through a tough time so "demise" is a stupid turn of phrase

2. I am not "blaming" anyone - least of all an innocent baby fo fucks sake! I'm here to seek support. You seem incapable of offering it. So kindly leave my thread.

I think its the slee deprivation that makes everything so much harder. It gets better as baby sleep improves! Maybe have a talk and agree to both try harder to be nice to each other and accept its difficult for both of you (but it's also OK to ask other to help when needed)

nothing to prepare their relationship for strain. They have all the coping skills for baby..but none for them.
. Then it all falls apart and they say things like ''having a baby ruined our marriage ''

You can't adequately prepare for something like the birth of a baby though. Op is desperately tired and filled with hormones that make her obsessed with keeping for baby alive. You can't replicate that to prepare for it. You don't know of baby will sleep through, if they'll have colic, of they'll nearly die at birth and spend months in hospital. How exactly would you have had me prepare for the latter?

@Notimeforaname

And yes it also frustrates me to see people desperate for children..and then when they have them, complain they have no family or village nearby to help look after them. I am not wrong or mean for having an opinion. I feel for the children,that is how I feel.

You "feel for" a much loved, adored, very well cared for baby? Well you can save your sympathy and take it where it's needed to a neglected or abused child, because our baby is adored to the ends of the earth. It's precisely because we selflessly adore her so much that we have ploughed everything into her and neglected our own needs and one another!! You haven't got a clue. So like I said. Go away.

I’ve hated my DH ever since I had the two kids. He hates me too. We also still love each other so I’m being a bit tounge-in-cheek but the reality is children do change the dynamics of everything, including how you interact as a couple & your outlook on life.

You learn to adapt. Things won’t go back to how they were pre-baby. Baby will get bigger, you’ll both get more sleep & gradually you’ll feel like you might start liking each other again. But yeah, resentment can be a common feature of early motherhood because it’s so fucking tough, & usually it’s you (the woman) doing the grunt-work whilst the man continues with his career in a linear fashion.

Your insecurities are showing...no need to snap at me love. Thats all you.

Are they fuck. You know sweet FT about me, my insecurities or my situation.

You've come onto a thread started by someone who is clearly struggling and piled on with an unpleasant double-barrel display of smug and blaming. Own it.

I am also single parent.

My 'village' is perhaps not the traditional kind.

Something i have learned is to spend money as far as you can on things and people that can reliably help you in the stage that you are at.

Things like:

A cleaner (even as a one off it helps)
Babysitter (for a break for you and DH)
go out for a meal (perhaps baby will sleep in pram)

Someone to do odd jobs/who will reliably quote at a decent price and do what it says on the tin.

Dishwasher (and local company who will repair if needed)
Dryer (never had one but getting one this week)

A milkman (for unexpected emergencies and sometimes just to greet someone in the morning)

Person at the local shop (even if you can't go far, being greeted at your local shop is part of a 'village' in my book.

Later on, receptionist at primary school desk

That is, as a single parent how I built and still build my 'village'.

If you can afford a counsellor. Do.

Think about it. At what point in history have people been this isolated when having babies? Look at other cultures/histories and think of how much family would have / is around. It is not your fault. It’s bloody tough on a couple.

@thepeopleversuswork

Your insecurities are showing...no need to snap at me love. Thats all you.

Are they fuck. You know sweet FT about me, my insecurities or my situation.

You've come onto a thread started by someone who is clearly struggling and piled on with an unpleasant double-barrel display of smug and blaming. Own it.

This.

Basically I made my peace with the fact that I am my children's, and at the moment sole carer. Dp is just there to give me a hand. He can go to football, and have his hour and a half long bath, and sleep in at the weekend, take himself in to watch something with his headphones in if he likes. In the long run the kids are way more attached to me, the prefer me to him and its him losing out. They eventually grow up and become independent, so it's not forever. I have a 13 year old, a 7 year old and now a 5 month old. The older ones are pretty self sufficient. I gave up expecting things to be equal a long time ago. I don't have any family help either, but that's more my own doing because I don't really want anyone else looking after them when they are young.

Also remember the marathon your body has just undergone. Don’t be too hard on yourself for feeling cranky 3 months in. Motherhood is the toughest job going!!!! And you are still in recovery. Your hormones need a bit more time to settle xxx

3 months is nothing when you've had a difficult pregnancy or birth if you ask me. I felt like death warmed up for months after complications with my first.

And I wonder how many of the critics has a baby in a frigging pandemic. Yes we're coming out of it slowly but HV services are crap ATM, most of the scans etc have been with no partners, people still aren't mixing the way they would have two years ago, we've had 16 months of fear and uncertainty and no one knows if it will get worse again before it gets truly better.

The first year is pretty hard on your relationship, in my experience. It slowly gets better.