It takes a village to raise a child?

[newmummy21]

Bear with me. I'm extremely sleep deprived and mentally and emotionally worn down.

How do you cope with a new baby when you have no "village"? Our baby is almost 3 months and we are on our knees. We have no family help - we are just an exhausted 2 man team. We speak to each other like we hate each other most days (not all... but it's a LOT). It's a constant game of oneupmanship - "I had less sleep than you" / "you had 5 minutes longer in the shower than I did"... etc.

I kid you not, yesterday I started an argument with him because he had a shower that lasted five minutes longer than mine, and this isn't "fair". 🙈

To listen to us most days, you'd think we were sworn enemies. Yet pre baby, we were the best of friends and very strong in our relationship. I am so sad about where this has gone and if it will ever come back. 😥

So my questions are - at what point do you stop wanting to kill each other after a baby? At what point do you get any semblance of your pre baby relationship back? And are we finding it harder because we have no village to help us? Or would most couples be like this post baby?

Thanks for any thoughts

Also, could you set aside 20 minutes to ask him how he’s finding things and then really, really listen to his reply? Just 20 minutes to really stay with what he is saying and finding out as much as you can?

Then ask if you can swap roles.

@reallybloodytired

He can’t do much about those things

I know. That's what makes it crazy and irrational

The best advice I was given on this is as follows:

Remember - your husband is not the enemy. The baby is the enemy.

It made me laugh when my sister in law said it to me, but it’s also true! The more you two can unite against the adversary of your tiny evil dictator, the better relations will be. It involved a lot of conscious letting go of resentment, which is obviously easier said than done. It can help to remember that regardless of what your partner does, there isn’t enough of anything (sleep, time, personal space etc) to go around. Even if he wasn’t taking five minutes longer in the shower, there wouldn’t be enough time for you to get a break. Even if he wasn’t sleeping, there wouldn’t be enough sleep for both of you to have your needs met. It sounds bleak but it’s helpful to remember it’s your situation that’s difficult, not your partner making it so.

Your baby is 3 months old which means you’re on the cusp of things getting a bit easier. If you can hold on through the next 6 weeks or so, things will start to get better on their own

Why do people have children and then complain theres no 'village' or family around to help them??! 🙄
Also the amount of couples who blame the childrens arrival for the relationship falling apart. No..that will be you as a couple..not having the correct coping skills to get by,day by day and respect each other.
.

Adding to my post, I think men are so used to being the centered ones that when confronted with a situation where their partner has very obviously been through a worse time with pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding it can be almost like they can't comprehend that they aren't the one at the centre of the situation.

My OH isn't a bad man but this really needed a lot of hammering home. I remember losing my shit at him when he didn't turn up to the postnatal ward until 11am because he was tired when I'd just sat awake a whole night breastfeeding and rocking my newborn and trying not to fall asleep and drop them. It's almost like learning a new skill for some men.

For now I'd focus on practical things that would help.

I never had (and still don't have) a village either.

But I think of the "it takes a village" comment as basically meaning that over-reliance on the nuclear family is not particularly healthy, and this is very much borne out by the comments on this thread.

I have always thought that the "traditional" family set-up, which leaves one partner totally free to focus on making money and advancing their career and the other bogged down in the drudgery of childcare as long as the nice bits is not optimal.

It's not optimal for women because they get stuck with a lot of dog work and their financial independence is damaged. It's not usually optimal for the marital relationship because of the resentment this creates on the part of the woman and the resultant dependency and resentment is not optimal for the children.

A settled couple raising kids is a good thing obviously, but this western idea that you don't need anyone else beyond your spouse and children is profoundly unhealthy IMHO.

Do you have any friends you can meet up with? It's different for everyone but I found meeting with a nice group of Mums I met online & getting out of the house was so much easier. Meant I had nice things to look forward to such as going out for lunch, sitting in the park chatting when the weather was nice and was good to chat things through with people going through the same stuff.
Tag teaming it with the sleep made a massive difference to me. I'd go to sleep at 8:30/9 & then sleep uninterrupted until 1am when I'd do the rest of the night feeds sleeping in between. I'd express or let DS have formula for that first part of the night and that made a massive difference to my sanity

Just stop. (much harder to do than say). Recognise this for what it is. A period of adjustment. Keep talking. Keep reminding yourselves you are both on the same team. Talk about your needs - if one of you needs a lie in because you are exhausted - then support it. Ditto the other person. The first year is definitely the hardest and will test you in ways you never imagined. But that's all it is - a test. And you will get through it.
Look for the tiny glimmers of light - the day you both crack up as one is covered in poo......the way you look at each other when you get the first smile......the joy when the baby says mama or in my childrens case dada for the first time. Keep holding onto the little things.
Try not to fight about the small stuff - my husband and I argued about approaches to sleep - baby only wanted to sleep on or with me. In the end just giving in and co-sleeping removed the stress of baby waking all the time.

You haven't lost you. You are a different you. That takes time to adjust to. Before baby if you want to go out you pick up your bag and go. Post baby you feed baby, change baby, pack bag, go to the loo, feed baby again, rechange baby, change yourself because you find baby sick down your back......by this point it's lunch time and you might decide to give up..... Even this gets easier and quicker. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. So what if you sit on the sofa with baby and watch box sets while they sleep. (cliche but you will never get this time back).

Don't resent him for going to work. One of you needs to keep working to support the family. And for whatever reasons you decided that would be him. Just roll with it.

You will get there. You will come out of this. (do not look at other peoples social media about their journey as it will make you feel crap. And do not talk to 'new' mummy friends about this as they will paint a glowing picture of their life - talk to the real friends you have. Talk to the one mummy friend who really gets you - she may well tell you similar. - I have to say though that with all my friends our times were very different - I recognise your journey - while a close friend of mine never argued with her partner but has had many different worries to me since about the health of her child and stressed lots about that....)

Cloudninenine no 😀

I forgot to add, whilst I'm not necessarily advising this, I didn't breastfeed my DC past the first few weeks. With my first DC, I really wanted to but couldn't. With the subsequent two, I chose not to. This had the benefit of DH being able to do exactly everything for the baby that I could. I could go out for an afternoon without worrying or have my turn to lie in without being woken for feeding.
Breastfeeding obviously has a lot of benefits, but every one of my friends who did it, were completely tied to their babies for a long time. My opinion is that it was much harder for them.

You and your dp need to both agree to drop the competitive misery. It's not helping at all. You're both doing your best right now, and it will get easier.

As a pp said, own the choices you've made together. Or change them. If breastfeeding is making you miserable, then switch to formula and give daddy some of the responsibility for feeds. On the weekend, take it in turns to get a solid block of sleep. Empathise with each other. And when you feel yourself getting resentful, just count to ten in your head before you say something. And try and put yourself in the other's position. I found that I had to make the effort, to properly try to make sure I treated DH with respect and kindness after our first baby was born. That wasn't always easy, for him either. But it was worth the effort, as we worked as a team, rather than against each other.

You poor thing. That first year can be so hard.

Have you been assessed for PND?

I went out and found my village. We’d just moved to the area so I started going to a baby group daily (from free church groups to baby sensory courses and baby massage). It took a while but I made friends with mums of babies/toddlers and we started going for coffee after groups, then the park, then each other’s houses. Our ‘village’ grew as we drew more and more lonely mums into it. Ended up with an amazing support network, some close friends and lots of ladies I didn’t know that well but enjoyed chatting to.

Don’t give up. The first few groups I went to were awful as nobody spoke to me except the Vicar. My baby screamed her way through baby sign language and rhythm time at the library but mums tend to be very sympathetic if you look like you’re struggling. I once burst into tears in a baby massage class as my baby wouldn’t let me put her on the mat like the other babies, and at least 10 strangers came and hugged me and comforted me.

I do always hear couples blaming the arrival of children for their break up. The problem isnt the children..its the adults coping skills.
Yes its hard..awful sometimes but its not the childrens fault.

@newmummy21
Can you try bottle feeding at nite and weekends so yous can take turns at feeding the baby so your getting a break you have done amazing bf she has got the best for 3 months try cutting the bf down 2 night time before she goes to bed, most of the resentment is prop because you feel you do more cause she is constantly latched to you for feeding.

@Notimeforaname

Why do people have children and then complain theres no 'village' or family around to help them??! 🙄 Also the amount of couples who blame the childrens arrival for the relationship falling apart. No..that will be you as a couple..not having the correct coping skills to get by,day by day and respect each other. .

Well done for being perfect and winning the couple lottery. Help yourself to a smug married gold star. A period of silence on your part would now be appreciated.

I don't know whether this would work for you but what I did when I got to your stage of tiredness/frustration was to take the day off parenting (except bf). I left DH and our baby with two bottles of expressed milk and went and sat in a local cafe all morning. Came back late morning to do a feed, then went out to a restaurant for lunch by myself (I took a good book to read) and then a walk by the river. Came back mid-afternoon, did another feed and then slept until 7 (in a separate room to baby). DH cooked dinner.

It only worked because DH was on board and actually suggested it. I had had a complete breakdown the night before and ended up screaming at him and demanding a divorce. He could see I was at the end of my tether and needed a time-out from parenting. So he agreed to do everything except feeds. In exchange, we agreed that he could have a weekend away with friends in a few weeks time (there was some sports thing they wanted to go to), so long as I could have another day off soon.

Oh OP it is so tough at that stage, and it feels never ending!
It will get better in time.
Until then these are the things that kept us sane:
*Acceptance, I accepted that I would be totally exhausted for a while and focused only in survival
*We got a cleaner and ate a lot of ready meals
*We made sure we both got a four or five hour unbroken stint of sleep - very difficult to do at first as both exhausted but really helped once in the rhythm of it. I breast fed mainly but babies had a bottle for this feed
*We used the little ones routine, so no arguing about what the baby needed next
*We made a pact never to complain about tiredness, we were both exhausted that was a given, and to be kind to each other.
*I took iron tablets and a multivit
Our youngest is 18months, they still wake up sometimes in the night but my god is it easier and fun too! I'm still tired but not the bone crushing exhaustion of the early days.

Well done for being perfect and winning the couple lottery. Help yourself to a smug married gold star. A period of silence on your part would now be appreciated
The fuck. just my opinion ,calm down. I'm allowed to have one. Your insecurities are showing...no need to snap at me love. Thats all you.

How do you cope with a new baby when you have no "village"?
In my experience you try to cope by yourself and end up fighting and having a nervous breakdown. Then when the child starts to sleep your relationship recovers somewhat. Some kids sleep within a few months - but mine is 3.5 and has only just started to go to bed and stay there.

I recognise everything you’re saying and it’s not unusual. We would argue because one person had a longer shower or a longer sleep. I was angry because my body was ruined and his hadn’t changed. Not his fault but I hated him for it. Honestly we didn’t get over that until he stumped up the money for plastic surgery.

@Notimeforaname

Why do people have children and then complain theres no 'village' or family around to help them??! 🙄 Also the amount of couples who blame the childrens arrival for the relationship falling apart. No..that will be you as a couple..not having the correct coping skills to get by,day by day and respect each other. .

Oh wow. Thank you for your helpful input. 🙄

@Notimeforaname

I do always hear couples blaming the arrival of children for their break up. The problem isnt the children..its the adults coping skills. Yes its hard..awful sometimes but its not the childrens fault.

Who the fuck said it was the child's fault??! Where have I said that?! Just fuck off. Seriously.

Who is sleeping when @newmummy21? It's sleep deprivation above all else, I'll bet you

You need to catch up on sleep.

The best way to resolve it is to admit it and acknowledge it. Talk and just both accept that it's rough, it's shit but it will get better. Once baby is sleeping and pooping less, it will get better.

Thanks everyone I can see lots of v helpful comments at a glance - I will read through them all properly later when I get back from my doctors appointment. I think it's time I sought some help as I do think I am on the verge of PND

I was a single parent with my first and had no help whatsoever. It was really hard.
Despite literally being on my own with dc1 24/7 plus studying for a degree it was easier for me than when dc2 came along and I was married! I found it easier just having me and dc1 to please. The resentment and oneupmanship with dc2 was awful. The sleep deprivation with dc2 was torture with an older dc took after and no outside help.

What has helped us get back to being a loving couple again is finding our tribe of parents. Couples who are in the same life stage as us who we can both spend time with as a family and individually. It dosnt help with the sleep deprivation (dc2 is 3.5 as still wakes in the night and starts the day at 5am) but it helps us have people we can relate to and vent to etc...

You may not find them just now as your baby is do young but you will eventually.

If someone had asked me after dc2 was born if I'd have another id have asked them if they were crazy but now we are having dc3.

For now you just need to survive these days snd try to find ways to be kind to each other. Its not a competition. Remember you love the other person and it will get better so for now just include the little things like sharing lie ins etc as much as you can.