It takes a village to raise a child?

[newmummy21]

Bear with me. I'm extremely sleep deprived and mentally and emotionally worn down.

How do you cope with a new baby when you have no "village"? Our baby is almost 3 months and we are on our knees. We have no family help - we are just an exhausted 2 man team. We speak to each other like we hate each other most days (not all... but it's a LOT). It's a constant game of oneupmanship - "I had less sleep than you" / "you had 5 minutes longer in the shower than I did"... etc.

I kid you not, yesterday I started an argument with him because he had a shower that lasted five minutes longer than mine, and this isn't "fair". 🙈

To listen to us most days, you'd think we were sworn enemies. Yet pre baby, we were the best of friends and very strong in our relationship. I am so sad about where this has gone and if it will ever come back. 😥

So my questions are - at what point do you stop wanting to kill each other after a baby? At what point do you get any semblance of your pre baby relationship back? And are we finding it harder because we have no village to help us? Or would most couples be like this post baby?

Thanks for any thoughts

Oh, and if you have the money why not buy in help - get a night nanny or something so you can get some sleep - got to be cheaper than divorce!

I don’t think it takes a village. Sometimes you just need someone to come in and look after baby whilst you sleep at this stage.

Dh was around for the first 2 weeks but then went back to work which involved a lot of overseas travel. He was gone for at least 2 weeks in every 4.
Comparing myself to others in the NCT group I think I got off lightly. I was in charge of myself and baby. I didn’t have “the village” coming to my house and “helping”
I also found that having Dh around when he would come back to work in this country for a couple weeks made it harder.
I couldn’t just do it my way in my own time I had to think of another person.
I did rely on being able to go out of the house to walk ddog in the mornings and just to push the pram around a shopping centre and have a coffee in the afternoon, meet with other mums and generally get out.

What I found helped enormously was not putting dd to bed at an earlier time. She was with us dozing or awake in her bouncer and then when we went to bed she went to bed so if we went to bed at midnight and she would sleep for 6 hours then she got up with us as opposed to putting her to bed at 7pm and 6 hours later at 1am she would have had her main sleep and be up and down all night.

@Ooodlesofboodles

Let it out to your new mum friends. I did and two of them burst into tears and said I'm so glad you said that, it is SO HARD! I used to count down the minutes until DH got home from work!

This. You'll find once someone opens up and says it's fucking hard and I cry all day and I feel like a shit Mom, someone else was also admit they're struggling. And for those who sheer down their nose about your lack of appropriate preparation or how they've glided calmly through every day on 4 hours sleep whilst training for a triathlon and making DH 3 home cooked meals a day ... Well it's as important to know who isn't in your tribe as it is those you are

I agree with opening up with your mum friends, maybe not letting it all out necessarily but whatever you're comfortable with at this point

@Notimeforaname

Well done for being perfect and winning the couple lottery. Help yourself to a smug married gold star. A period of silence on your part would now be appreciated The fuck. just my opinion ,calm down. I'm allowed to have one. Your insecurities are showing...no need to snap at me love. Thats all you.

There’s a good chance they were objecting to you repeating yourself until you were noticed, and bashing anyone whose relationship didn’t survive having children 🙄

YANBU to be knackered with a baby, but YABU cos it's a metaphor about the quality of society affecting outcomes for children, not a description of childcare arrangements

We’re 22 months in, no family help. The resentment has just reached a peak I think. It’s been very, very hard especially with Covid.
But we’re still standing.

3 months is very early days. Just roll with it. A huge amount is hormonal and will settle.

This doesnt sound entirely "typical". We had no "village" either, I would say only around half of my antenatal group had family close by/on hand. Having a baby isn't unusual and I dont think most couples find it quite so hard? Perhaps some pnd etc affecting you?

Oh OP, I remember those feelings so well. When DD was tiny I threw a full bottle of milk at DH's head because he was buggering about doing something unimportant while I was struggling with a screaming banshee.

BUT.

You both have to stop with the competitive shit. It doesn't help, it makes things far worse, and there can be no winner. Sit down together tonight and decide together that that's no longer going to be a feature of your conversations.

Team up! Babies are wily wee bastards. You think they're drifting off to sleep but really they're just waiting for you to lower your guard. You can only win if you team up - get on the same page about feeding, naps, who gets the lie in on which week day, then you can feel that someone's in your corner.

Try to laugh about stuff. Even when you don't feel like it - the atmosphere in a house with a stressy baby can be very brittle, and its better to break it with a cup of tea together and a laugh, than an argument about how long someone was in the shower for.

Cry all over each other if you need to. I reckon my DH was depressed after our first was born, so it wasn't that I needed him to be strong, it was that we each needed to be shown, and show, kindness and understanding to each other.

Take all conversations about separation off the table until the baby is at least one. You're both in shock and coming to terms with the change in your lives, as well as off your heads from lack of sleep. Put this on a shelf.

And YES - go to your doctor.

I totally get you. I have a friend who had her baby around the same time as me and her mum came over twice a week and cleaned her house, batch cooked meals and watched the baby so she could nap. I felt so resentful - but mostly jealous, because I would have given anything for that kind of support. I was totally on my own without anybody to help with that sort of stuff.

3 months feels like you've been doing this forever, but it's such a short amount of time. Things seemed to settle for us around 9 months when I could put her upstairs for a reliable few hours before going to bed and it felt like we sort of knew what we were doing.

It will get better! But you both need to agree to stop the comparisons and criticisms in the meantime, as you're just causing yourself more grief!

I really sympathise OP. Sorry you've had a massive twat attempt to derail your thread.

My second DS is 7 months old and I have just returned from the GP with a prescription for anti depressants for pnd. I have the village you are talking about, lots of family close by, but given all of my pregnancy and most of his life has been in lockdown I too struggled with isolation and feelings of frustration with DH.

I am not bfing anymore but when I was we had a system, I would do all the feeds obviously but every other time I would hand DS over the minute I was finished to settle him back to his moses basket, wind him, change him etc. Would something like that help with sleep and resentment? I stopped bfing at 5 months and find it easier now DH can do it too. Really hope you feel better soon.

Also just read your updates.

A few from my NCT group made an effort to meet up every week. Say every Wednesday at 10am, just to go to the park and get a coffee. It was so so helpful, just to be able to vent and see that they were dealing with the same crap that we were (witching hour, teething, sleep regressions, etc.) it was amazing for my mental health. I think the key was keeping it at the same day/time every week so it felt like an ongoing thing that didn't take much effort to plan. Perhaps it's worth a try?

It's actually amazing how much you'll bond over the lack of sleep, your new body, etc. New friends become close friends very quickly when you're all dealing with the same thing!

I hope you start to feel better soon.

We both tried really hard after witnessing other friends to never do the competitive tiredness thing or snipe at each other. The goal was, both of us had to try as hard as we could and contribute as much as we could, and if we ever felt one of us was taking the piss we could call it out but not at the level of 'you had 5 extra minutes in the shower.'

Its difficult though. DH couldn't have physically done more than he did. He'd come home from work, make dinner, do all the laundry, put it away, then sit up with the baby till midnight so I could get some rest. But, he did need to sleep to be able to do his job, so he always had 6 or 7 hours. We had a totally non-sleeping baby. I was often up the whole night, and the only sleep I would have got was the few hours he held her before midnight, and sometimes 90 minutes in the morning. He always made sure I showered before he left, and left me tea in a flask. But ultimately, I survived on 3-5 hours broken sleep for nearly a year, and I was on my knees. I couldn't do the things he did to keep the house running, and I knew he must be exhausted keeping work going and doing all of that. Equally he was pretty in awe I was functioning at all with the baby (there was also a lot of trying to figure out why she got so very little sleep and doctor and hospital appointments and worries to do with that in the background)

Having a 'village' does help. We didn't get much support, but about once a week my parents would come over and take her for a walk in the buggy and in that half an hour I would shower, or lie down, or just generally regain my sanity. I went to a breastfeeding group that had lunch once a week and it really helped, as did the WhatsApp group of other mother's struggling. Then we moved away for a while while our house was renovated, and didn't have that, and somehow it did feel like my weekly lunch was the difference between coping and not coping.

I don't know how you reconnect and get over the competition once its started, I do think you should go to the GPs and get support. PND is very easy to miss. I also think you can build your own village a bit. A lot of mothers I befriended were foreign and had no family support and I know they tended to meet up a bit more. Human internaction with others in the same boat really helps. And maybe some way to reconnect with your husband, be it watching a film, or just trying to remember you're on the same team. It will get easier, but it is v v hard. And I do think people underestimate the difference a small bit of external support can make.

Some people certainly have a different (easier) experience than others. The more help that is offered and available, the easier it will be. Those that have two sets of hands on grandparents are so lucky

If it helps to know, DH and I fought all the time when we had our first. Horrible rows. Yet now they’re older we adore each other again.

@jimmyhill

YANBU to be knackered with a baby, but YABU cos it's a metaphor about the quality of society affecting outcomes for children, not a description of childcare arrangements

Once again- nothing to do with "childcare" when I refer to a village. Just morale support, a network if you will, to share the emotional and mental load of it all. That's what I mean. Surely that leads to better MH outcomes for parents, thus impacting on better outcomes for child.... etc

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

This doesnt sound entirely "typical". We had no "village" either, I would say only around half of my antenatal group had family close by/on hand. Having a baby isn't unusual and I dont think most couples find it quite so hard? Perhaps some pnd etc affecting you?

Many on this thread seem to have struggled too, so.... maybe you're wrong?

You need to build a village if you don’t have one? Do you have friends from before you had children? You mention new mum friends so you don’t feel comfortable offloading but what about your old friends?

So much empathy for you, OP. It's really really hard. But it passes.

We had a pretty easy time with our first baby. She slept well, which is everything. And there were still all those adjustments you make - how your identity and the way you see your partner alter and the new people you are both becoming evolve separately and together. We didn't have a village, but I did meet up with a group of other new mums regularly. And it was hard, but fine and good in many ways.

Next baby was twins. And we moved to a new place and DH got a stressful new job. And one of the babies was colicky and refluxy and didn't sleep. And if the rest of our relationship had been like it was in that year or so of our lives, I think we would have had to split up. We were just a badly functioning tag team of competitive tiredness and competitive stress.

But we're basically solid, and we're a good team, and we came out of it. To a large extent, it's just really, really hard, and you've just got to hang in there and get through it (obviously it's different if you have PND, which I didn't - it sounds as if you think you might have and hopefully you'll get help with that and I'm sure it'll make a big difference).

Some practical things we did which I think helped:

1. Threw the money we could at help - cleaner, takeaways, mindless late night amazon orders. We took the view we'd just get through that year and then take stock.
2. DH had two nights a week and I had one where we slept in a different area of the house and couldn't hear the babies. He'd get me for the feeds and then I'd go back to sleep. Knowing that you'd only be summoned for the feeds, or in a crisis (I woke him up once, because I really thought I was going to lose it!) made such a difference.
3. We prioritised one of us having a good time sometimes. So if DH had a night out I'd cover the early shift in the morning and if that meant I had a bit of a shit day so he could have a good time that was OK (and vice versa, of course!). That approach definitely worked for us, but it does need to be fairly equal.
4. We dredged up a bit of sympathy and stepped up if the other person was going to totally lose it. Hard, but necessary, and we both managed to do it at times (though probably not as often as the other one would have liked!).

In essence, it's really hard, but temporary. I hope you've found some support here.

Op it does get better especially after weaning and when baby starts sleeping through. It becomes way less demanding and they begin to need you in other ways. One day your little baby will be in school (honestly will happen in a flash) and this will all be a distant memory so do your best to make it the best one possible!
You and your dh have only been parents for 3 months so cut yourselves some slack! I have 2 dc (1 and 4 yrs old). The second time around I've went alot easier on myself and it has helped not researching every little thing like i did with dc1! I've just sort of relaxed off and found it much better (i was a lot of the the problem the first time around!) Because you're in the thick of it you will feel like it will never end but i promise you
the fog will lift. If i could go back and have a word with my first time Mum self after dc1 was born I'd say:

1. It isn't a competition with dh; you and dh are a team and need to support each other to do the best for baby. The shower and sleep time will balance out in the end, i promise! You are both exhausted and reasoning in this state is not a rational expectation.

1. Happy parents equal happy baby so please both have some 'you time' alternating caring for baby. One can take baby while other has a lie in on a Saturday and the other on a Sunday or some time on a evening etc. You don't have to both me slaves to baby at the same time (don't make the mistake me and dh did!) I promise baby won't remember and will be better off having Mummy and Daddy more rested!

1. The house doesn't have to be perfect, only do the minimum such as clean kitchen (rest can wait until baby alittle older and things calm down).

1. Super Mum is overrated; the small things like cuddles count the most. Don't stress about insignificant things, stop and breath it all in as you'll regret it later if you don't.

1. Cut corners where ever you can whether that be micromeals/takeout- convenience is the key!

1. Accept help from anybody that offers and dont be afraid to ask for support.

1. Lastly tomorrow really is another day so breath, it will be alright in the end!

Oh and remember lots of tea and cake
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@newmummy21

*The best advice I was given on this is as follows:

Remember - your husband is not the enemy. The baby is the enemy.

It made me laugh when my sister in law said it to me, but it’s also true! The more you two can unite against the adversary of your tiny evil dictator, the better relations will be.*

I love this. Tiny evil dictator made me laugh

Absolutely to the baby being the tiny, beloved, evil dictator in a cute baby gro, and to you and DH being tortured into ratting on each other, when really you’re on the same side.

I won’t lie, the arrival of our much-wanted DS into our long and happy relationship was like a bomb going off, not helped by the fact that, having arranged to take paternity leave, DH was suddenly made redundant when I was very pregnant and had to grab a job a long commute away as my maternity pay wasn’t a lot, so he was away a lot and dealing with a very challenging new job, a distraught wife and a new mini-demon. And we had no family or friends nearby, either — family all in a different country. And I couldn’t BF and was upset about it.

Things get better, OP. Get what help you can, and — assuming your DH is a decent human being — try to be generous to one another. Even when I wanted to rip DH’s head off, I remembered that once, when DS was only ten days old and very fractious, and I was losing it, he let me sleep for four hours. I have never forgotten.

It will feel almost instantly better after your first good sleep. Not perfect by any means but better. Prioritse getting some sleep 💤 for all 3 of you

I thought it meant we were all rresponsible for socialising a child, teaching morals etc.
In the village there are all kinds of people to help.
We don't do this now because the likely response would be "How dare you speak to my child"

OP - Do you feel your partner has acknowledged that you've been through a lot in terms of pregnancy, birth, changes?

I just wonder if your urge to tell him all the time comes from feeling like he doesn't understand or validate your feelings / respect what you've been through.

[quote reallybloodytired]@AliasGrape you sound like us … I’m really struggling with ds sleep at the moment. he nearly broke me last night.[/quote]
Solidarity tired first bump. Co-sleeping worked great for us till it didn't work any more, so it's trying to transition to the cot which is causing dramas at the moment although were definitely getting there slowly. I hope.things look up for you soon. We bit the bullet and paid a sleep consultant for a plan, I was so sceptical but I also felt really lost as to how to proceed and like I was failing DD who was so tired and frustrated herself. It's all been about changing routines really, I've not left her to cry once. But it does kind of rely on her getting decent naps which is why I got so stressed at the weekend when that all went wrong.