It takes a village to raise a child?

[newmummy21]

Bear with me. I'm extremely sleep deprived and mentally and emotionally worn down.

How do you cope with a new baby when you have no "village"? Our baby is almost 3 months and we are on our knees. We have no family help - we are just an exhausted 2 man team. We speak to each other like we hate each other most days (not all... but it's a LOT). It's a constant game of oneupmanship - "I had less sleep than you" / "you had 5 minutes longer in the shower than I did"... etc.

I kid you not, yesterday I started an argument with him because he had a shower that lasted five minutes longer than mine, and this isn't "fair". 🙈

To listen to us most days, you'd think we were sworn enemies. Yet pre baby, we were the best of friends and very strong in our relationship. I am so sad about where this has gone and if it will ever come back. 😥

So my questions are - at what point do you stop wanting to kill each other after a baby? At what point do you get any semblance of your pre baby relationship back? And are we finding it harder because we have no village to help us? Or would most couples be like this post baby?

Thanks for any thoughts

@Sally872

Oh ,Sally872I didn't mean I heard people saying it on this particular thread. I mean I...me, I hear it a lot in life. So I was expressing that here. I'm sorry it bothered you. But I am free to express my thoughts as are you.

@Notimeforaname in that case now that you have inadvertently upset the OP perhaps you should have backed off or explained at first reply from her rather than continuing. Of course people will assume you are talking about this case. Re read the first line of this new mums first post before responding further.

Thank you for your support x

This is why I say having a baby is both the best and worst thing we did. They're amazing and we love them to bits but our relationship changed irrevocably as a result.

We had no-one, like you and it is the tiredness talking I carried the resentment for years silly things like him getting the tea from the shop but not thinking about getting milk and bread too or asking where the kids clothes were and what to dress them in, everything became a battle about what was fair and I felt I had all the mental load shit. He was helpful but needed to be "told what to do".

I don't have a great deal of advice on what to do but it does get better. It was the deciding factor in not having a 3rd child much to my disappointment but I think a third round of newborn and sleep deprivation would have been the end of us sadly. It did help going back to work in a way part time, work was a rest!!

The village to raise a child refers more to not minding and almost expecting other people, like shopkeepers,.school teachers people in the street keeping an eye on children and expecting certain standards of behaviour etc.

@DavidTheDog

It sounds as though you perhaps didn’t have much practice in disagreeing, falling out and making up before the baby came?

Very few disagreements pre baby to be honest. Minor ones perhaps. But insignificant and very easily moved on from. This feels like a huge mountain 🙈😥

*The best advice I was given on this is as follows:

Remember - your husband is not the enemy. The baby is the enemy.

It made me laugh when my sister in law said it to me, but it’s also true! The more you two can unite against the adversary of your tiny evil dictator, the better relations will be.*

I love this. Tiny evil dictator made me laugh

Those first few months are pure survival. It’s tough but you will come out the other side stronger.

If you haven’t started yet, begin building a network of mums around you by going to toddler classes, coffee mornings etc. Our mum network spend approximately 80% of our time laying into how terrible our DPs are (our DPs are well aware of this, they find it hilarious) then we can go home feeling much lighter with that off our chests and be nice and amicable with our OHs. To me that’s the most important of the “village”, people removed from your situation that you can share your problems with, thereby avoiding dumping it all on your DP.

The other tip is get a sling, really handy as they get a bit bigger.

We had no village. PIL an hour away and my DM who worked and popped in once a month. No one ever took our DC out, no sleepovers, no GP clamouring to have the GC alone.
So we paid for said village.Put then in nursery at four and five months pt and I escaped back to work.
Now 18 and 16 and despite 'working for nothing' for a few short years never a moments regret.

To those asking about other mum friends - yes I do have a small group of new mums who I meet with occasionally, maybe once a fortnight. I met them in my NCT classes so they are new friends and I don't know them well enough to just let it all out, if that makes sense? But having a coffee and a chat with them helps me to feel more human I guess

Don't be mad that he doesn't give up his identity while you give up yours - don't give up your identity!! Having a baby doesn't mean (and shouldn't mean) you have to stop doing everything you enjoyed pre-baby. It's a choice.

It's tough! But I don't think the village concept applies when they're that young? I would never dream of leaving my baby with any one else at that age. In my case, baby was EBF, terribly colicky, and absolutely would not settle for my DH let alone another person. So I just went into survival mode and did it all.
Once he turned 6m? and started sleeping for 2-3hr stretches at night i stopped being a zombie so our relationship got the chance to recover too!

Someone said to me before my wedding "in a marriage where you keep score, nobody wins" and I've thought about that so many times since having a baby. Point-scoring is just a waste of your precious energy, you have different roles, your responsibilities won't be shared perfectly evenly while the baby is so tiny so it's probably better to focus on what support you actually need and whether your partner is providing it. I tried not always successfully to go down the route of thanking DH every time he loaded the dishwasher or emptied the bin or stuck a pizza in the oven, rather than snapping at him for the things he forgot to do -it makes for a much nicer atmosphere.
Lack of sleep was the most crucial issue for us so for the first year I literally went to bed at 8pm when DS did, every single night. We also started doing alternate lie-ins so on a Saturday DH lies in until 9am and on a Sunday I do.
I made a mum friend at a baby group and she was an absolute lifesaver because we could rant to each other about how hard everything was, rather than venting to our DHs all the time. Plus seeing her for coffee and outings and playdates broke up the week and made everything bearable. Things are opening up now so I really recommend taking the baby to some groups and talking to as many mums as you can.
You sound like a brilliant mum and it WILL get easier, very soon! Just hang in there!

@blairresignationjam

It's tough! But I don't think the village concept applies when they're that young? I would never dream of leaving my baby with any one else at that age. In my case, baby was EBF, terribly colicky, and absolutely would not settle for my DH let alone another person. So I just went into survival mode and did it all. Once he turned 6m? and started sleeping for 2-3hr stretches at night i stopped being a zombie so our relationship got the chance to recover too!

It's not to leave her with anyone else - I couldn't do that either. It's just to have people there around me who are equally invested in her welfare, I suppose, so I don't feel isolated.

Honestly OP you sound just like me and my DC are now 5 and 2. My DH and I were a pretty good team when DC1 was a baby but the stress of raising kids together just breeds resentment for some, I find.

no answers here, just you are not alone

You know, whilst your baby isn't an evil dictator, the point about sticking together is a good one. You both want what's best for your baby obviously so you need to work together. It's not a competition for who's had it worse, and I say it as someone like you who said everything about DH's normal life that hadn't seemed to have changed when I was all breastfeeding, sleeplessness and baby stuff, he could still work etc. But what I never realised is his life had changed as much as mine but it wasn't so obvious. I be so jealous of him seeming to sleep through everything when he said he was awake everytime I was and didn't get good sleep either and had to do responsible job everyday. I could only see escape without the baby.

If you feel youre on the verge of pnd go to your Dr or midwife. When I had antidepressants for a different reason it did help with my communication and understanding with DH too. Our kids are much older now and we do still fall out occasionally but the main thing is we are on the same page about what we want for the kids and we are uniting togethers ready for the teenage wars that are due to begin soon!

Have an honest open discussion with your DH to and maybe Dr if you need to.

Also to the pp who made the point about not wanting to leave a baby at this age. It's not about that at all - to me the village concept is about having morale support, not a babysitter. It's about a mum or MIL to come and sit with me for an hour or so while DP is at work so I can shower or eat lunch. Or someone to call in the early hours when baby is screaming and I'm worried about her, and DP is working a night shift . Etc etc .... that's what I mean. I carry a lot of the mental and emotional burden alone. It's a lot....

We don't have said "village" either OP...family lives miles away and 3 months after DD was born, lockdown hit so was just DH and I. My DH also works away doing shifts so sometimes I was a one woman show! You need to pick your battles (I know easier said than done), but like the shower thing you mentioned, my advice is to let it go because bringing it up and arguing isn't doing anything apart from giving you both the rage and dividing you. You need to sit down and have a real conversation about what you both need and figure out a plan as a team. Maybe suggest a plan of taking turns?

Getting out every day for a walk absolutely saved my sanity, as did going to classes (when they were allowed to be on!). Sounds sad but getting out gave me a sense of achievement each day.

As PP's have said, it absolutely does get easier. You are still early days but you will find your rhythm

I felt this exact way and unfortunately going through those same feelings now I’m pregnant again.

You have my utmost sympathies it’s a horrible phase but you can get through it.

The hormones do calm down but looking back now mine was massively down to PND, I wish I had spoken to my GP about going on anti depressants.

Definitely try and get some you time (I know how ridiculous this sounds with a little one 😂) but any time at all, even to have a long chat with your friend on the phone will do you so much good.

We’re seeing a counsellor as some of the feelings have come back and it is helping.

I would definitely advise speaking to a GP.

Let it out to your new mum friends. I did and two of them burst into tears and said I'm so glad you said that, it is SO HARD!
I used to count down the minutes until DH got home from work!

We have four children, and were much like you describe the first time round.

What helps me is that I now know that my DH is doing as much as he can (and it is a lot, he rarely takes time out to do something purely for himself). And he knows that I do as much as I can (also a lot!). We can't really expect any more from each other than that.

When you feel resentment rising, can you try to reframe it? Instead of thinking "he had 5 mins longer in the shower", think about what is actually annoying you. Is it really that "it's not fair he had 5 mins more"? Or is it more likely "I need a break"? Is it really that "he had a bit more sleep" or is it that "I need more sleep"?

If you can define what you need and become comfortable with owning those needs, then you can work together to meet them. One of you might need more sleep than the other; one of you might need more "alone in silence" time. One of you might need to reduce their "I have to think of everything" burden; one of you might need more reassurance that they're doing a good job.

Once it all stops being a competition for "equal" sleep/time/responsibility etc, it will become clear whether you can manage a balance that works for your family. Personally, I am so so glad that my DH works hard at all aspects of our life and I rarely find him with his feet up doing nothing while I am toiling. He often finds me zoned out on Mumsnet etc, but can work with that because I am the "default" parent that is always "on duty" through the night, when the kids are sad, remembering a monkey cos tune for Wednesday and new trainers for Friday. He doesn't have to worry about those things; he just does what he thinks needs doing next!

IME either you start creating a village around yourself, or you really struggle. I have done both as a new Mum, and I recommend the village route (harder now with covid I know).
Go to every toddler group, activity and parent meet you can, take every opportunity for childcare you can. Get a babysitter for a couple of hours and go for a pizza. Use the crèche at the gym (I used to enjoy their coffee area more than the gym itself!) Get out the house as much as you can, chatting to another parent in the park could be all you need to re-energise you for the sleep less night ahead. Use babies nap to phone your sister or Skype your best friend or chat to an old college friend on social media. Or to listen to your favourite music or watch something funny. Yes you need sleep, but there are other ways to energise.

You need to feed your soul with time outdoors, enjoyable activity, socialising outside your family unit, and some fun and laughter. Find ways to release the pressure in your marriage or it will blow up. Date night, watching a box set together, just low key things like that. But also planning some things in the future to look forward to. They don't have to be big things.

This time can be very intense, but it does pass. It passes much more easily when you are not so isolated though.

newmummy21

Also to the pp who made the point about not wanting to leave a baby at this age. It's not about that at all - to me the village concept is about having morale support, not a babysitter. It's about a mum or MIL to come and sit with me for an hour or so while DP is at work so I can shower or eat lunch. Or someone to call in the early hours when baby is screaming and I'm worried about her, and DP is working a night shift . Etc etc .... that's what I mean. I carry a lot of the mental and emotional burden alone. It's a lot....

This! Absolutely!
My MIL would make snide comments when she came over and my own mum buggered off to Spain for 8 weeks when my little one was 4 weeks old and suffering with PND so I totally get this!!

And yes it also frustrates me to see people desperate for children..and then when they have them, complain they have no family or village nearby to help look after them. I am not wrong or mean for having an opinion. I feel for the children,that is how I feel

Nobody knows how hard parenting a newborn is until they’re there. Especially one with colic or reflux or cries a lot and rarely sleeps.

Why do you ‘feel’ for the children? They are still loved and wanted, it’s just the baby stage many parents struggle with.

It’s a huge stressor and life change having a baby, even the most loving couple must change their priorities almost overnight and morph into new people with new roles and this massive responsibility. The anxiety, sleep deprivation, isolation, hormones... you may have a ‘village’ and still struggle.

There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture!
It takes a village simply means children need lots of input from various people - its not a literal thing in any way. Input may not come in the form of babysitting unfortunately. Well rounded humans are a result of exposure to various people, opinions and concepts.

As a team of 2 currently try to remember that this baby came from your love. Give each other little moments. Give each other a moment to regroup and take a deep breath.

This is a tough time and you, your OH and baby are all learning how it works.

Hang on to the thought that 'this too SHALL pass'

It is so tricky to adjust to the new mental load with a baby and overlay that with tiredness and hormones it is a horrible mixture. Things I found that helped:

• Sleep (ha ha) - but when baby sleeps you sleep dont worry about housework or anything else. Get an afternoon nap in if you can.
• get baby to take a bottle - I never achieved this as even with expressed milk both of mine were bottle refusers but it will take some of the burden off you
• make sure you are taking vitamins as breast feeding takes its toll on your body - did you have blood loss during birth as you might be anemic so need iron - check put b12 and vitamin D
• its ok for baby to cry - have a shower or whatever - a 10 min cry will really not damage them as long as they are in a safe place
• try and get baby to sleep more - once again ha ha. Have you tried swaddling, white noise etc? Try not to get into the habit of always holding baby to nap otherwise you will never get any peace. When it was at its worst I used to co nap which helped

It feels like it will be this way forever when you are at the stage you are at. And it seriously won't be. Practical stuff;

Can you throw some money at the problem ASAP and get a night nanny to come in for a week or a few days at least and she can bring you the baby if you are BF and then do the rest and you can sleep. I did this wjth my second after a particularly hard phase due to reflux. Night nannies are usually v experiences at helping parent get babies into a routine. It's money well spent in terms of your mental health.

Start to list out practical and concrete things that you could give to someone else. Don't assign tasks. Say - this is what I have the energy for how can we make x y and z happen? You shouldn't be worrying about much more than feeding yourself and the baby and sleeping. If you are trying to do more than that then you're expecting too much of yourself.

Create a rule : ONE THING A DAY. Whether that's NCT friends, or clearing out a drawer. Your energy is finite especially now. Don't push yourself to the limit.

Accept that your needs are paramount and that you NEED to communicate them. Can you find a trusted friend at the same stage abd speak to them often? I found nct hard for reasons of anxiety - I ended up with a group of online mums who became friends and I was able to be honest wjth... it doesn't matter. The point is that you need a place to take these feelings.

Don't forget your partner will be adjusting too. It's not going to be like this for that long. Trust me. Deep breath. Start writing gratitude lists every day. Call a friend every day. Make sure you are getting outside. Tell people what YOU NEED. Xx