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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family coming to stay most of summer

294 replies

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 17:54

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

OP posts:

30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/07/2021 17:55

Personally I would be booking myself a trip away for when they are due the second time around!!

Scarby9 · 10/07/2021 17:59

'Right - beach walk time! Do either of you want to come, or would you rather stay home for some peace and quiet?'

Notaroadrunner · 10/07/2021 18:02

My family wouldn't dare impose for so long. There is no need for you to give up your plans to go to the beach. Leave them to watch tv and you, Dh and dc head off as often as you wish. I assume you didn't invite them to stay so long. You really should just tell them that 5 weeks of summer is too much and can do a 2 week and then a 1 week stay.

Lollypop701 · 10/07/2021 18:03

I’d tell them ip front you’re looking forward to seeing them as family not guests, because they are visiting for extended time. No one should’host’ for that long! So you’re going to carry on life as usual. They are welcome to join in, or not, with your plans. Maybe do some batch cooking up front with meals they can heat up if you aren’t around. But that’s it. They live their life at home ok, so are perfectly able to do so at your home. Just set the stage before they come, in a positive way

Mindymomo · 10/07/2021 18:07

I would still do your evening walks, say to parents “you don’t mind if we go for a walk and you can stay in and watch tv”. Also I would ask if there is something they would like to cook to save you always cooking. I was very lucky that I could say anything to my parents or my in-laws and they were happy to go along with what I suggested.

PiggyMelon · 10/07/2021 18:09

5 weeks?! Why did you agree to this?

I'd say 2 weeks max. Any longer is just not going to be enjoyable.

VimFuego101 · 10/07/2021 18:10

@Lollypop701

I agree. It would be exhausting doing full on 'hosting' for that long.

Susannahmoody · 10/07/2021 18:11

My parents come for 2 weeks at a time and that's enough. I run myself ragged hosting, they don't lift a finger, because as a pp pointed as, they should be acting as family, not guests. But they don't! So frustrating.

So that means they can cook dinner, watch the kids, do laundry etc. They need to help.

If they don't have the foresight to realise that, you need to remind them.

And go to the beach no matter what!

Feel your pain op.

rookiemere · 10/07/2021 18:11

Why are they coming for so long ?
They kind of cease to be visitors after a few days, so I'd continue to go on your walks.

Original poster

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 18:23

Thanks all, I obviously can’t wait to see them, but when they texted to say they’d booked for so long, twice I was like 🤷🏻‍♀️I kind of texted back at the time asking why twice and that it was most of the summer (gent really guilty after that) they said because they wanted to come for DD’s birthday and want to be sure they can come at some stage because of all the changes in travel etc, I think they were doing it to hedge their bets but it’s looking like both travel dates will be fine.
I normally end up doing it all, bar a couple of takeaways.
I think they’d say it was fine but probably feel hurt if we carried on and wen out without them. But I really don’t want to spend 5 weeks sweltering hot, watching Emmerdale 😬 then I feel guilty as I obviously want to spend as much time as possible with them as we live in another country. I just so much prefer seeing them more often but with a few months inbetween. I don’t think they realise that even though they’re family, it’s a stress to have to plan the meals, shopping, cooking etc.
How would you arrange it financially? My mum often offers half for the food shopping and I sometimes feel guilty taking that, but it’s quite a difference from 3 people to 5 over 5 weeks, dad eats a lot too!
I feel so guilty but also sad to be missing those summer days and nights.
I feel I have to be more assertive this time as we often ending up doing/going wherever my dad wants to go, but dd is getting older now and won’t sit in a buggy whilst we drink coffee at cafes, it’s all about playgrounds now!
He often wants to do what he wants to do, so if we don’t, he’ll go off to where he wants to go and ask to be picked up by me later 🙈am I being mean that this pisses me off?

OP posts:

Original poster

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 18:25

They also dominate quite a lot of the tv, so we spend Sunday mornings watching politics shows, when we’d normally be out early to the beach.
It’s just all different, far gets up ‘Very’ early at 6.30 and wants us all to be out early. Dd often gets woken up by him getting up, then is grouchy and really hard work most of the morning..ahh it’s hard!

OP posts:

mbosnz · 10/07/2021 18:31

I think the only way to handle this is to have a few uncomfortable conversations up front, most probably with your mother, who can then pass the results on to your father.

I say this as someone who had their mother come stay with them for three months, two months after shifting across the world.

So, say that given the length of time they will be staying, the offered contribution will be much needed and gratefully accepted. Any contributions towards meal planning, cooking, and clearing up would also be gratefully accepted.

The house is not going to be Dad centric, because it is kid centric. Any attempts to make the rest of the household run to his timetables will not be met with kindly.

Dad is welcome to go and do his thing, but not to try and impose that on everyone else. Also, we will be going out and doing our thing, such as evening walks, and anyone that wishes to enthusiastically join in, is of course, welcome.

TV will be negotiated, no-one will be dictating what is on all day, every day, and every night.

Summerfun54321 · 10/07/2021 18:32

Why do you let your parents treat you like this?! Your house your rules, you’re an adult. If they want to visit they should ask, if they want to stay they need to ask what they can do to help (like sharing of cooking), and if they want to spend time with you they do what you arrange (beach trips etc), unless they politely decline and want to have some downtime by themselves. Your parents are seriously rude in my opinion! If they want to be guests they need to act like guests. Otherwise they can book into a local hotel!

Original poster

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 18:32

*Dad gets up very early

OP posts:

mbosnz · 10/07/2021 18:34

Oh, and you might want to tell DOD (Dear Old Dad), that if he can't get up quietly, without waking the little one, then he's just going to have to wait another half hour in bed, and take his phone or book to occupy him!

Original poster

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 18:36

I’d just feel bad to be heading out most nights. Dad often arrives and straight away goes out for a walk, I don’t mind that but wouldn’t do the same

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 10/07/2021 18:36

I just couldn't tolerate folk staying for that length of time. Put them off.

Original poster

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 18:39

@mbosnz He is very loud, even walking around, but so is Dp 🙈 I just end up feeling exhausted most days. Don’t get me wrong, we do have a good time too, but I’m often tired and just need some space.
There’s a lot of moodiness if we don’t do what’s planned in dads head, so we often just go along with it for an easier life. And because it’s generally only two weeks every few months, I know that we can then get back to doing what we want. This feels different this time

OP posts:

XelaM · 10/07/2021 18:40

You're overthinking this wayyyyyy too much! It's your parents, not the Queen! Just carry on with your life and your plans as normal and they will fit in around it

DPotter · 10/07/2021 18:43

Summerfun

Your DH is a saint.

You really need to put your foot down before they arrive - otherwise your summer will be ruined and possibly also your relationship with your parents as well. Also if they get away with 5 weeks this years, it will be 5 weeks for evermore.

Mbosnz has a good suggestion there - upfront talk with your DM about how things will be kid focused now DD is older, how your will expect them to pitch in, sharing the cooking, TV etc and oh next time check with you BEFORE they book and max 2 weeks stay in any one quarter.

DPotter · 10/07/2021 18:44

Sorry I have no idea why I addressed my post to Summerfun - I meant Turntheheatdownfgs !

mbosnz · 10/07/2021 18:44

I really do understand and feel your pain.

This is how these people get their own way most of the time - by making it so uncomfortable for those around them, that they fall in with their wishes - however reluctantly.

It is different this time. It's different once you have kids, and your household when they're little, necessarily becomes kid-centric, rather than grandparent/parent-centric. It's a very hard adjustment for some parents and grandparents to make. It's when you've got to pull your parent pants on, and make the rules in your household clear. Some nights, perhaps just Dad and the little one might go for a walk of an evening, some nights all of you, some nights just you and little one.

If they're relying on the 'but we're family' to ensure their welcome for this length of time, they have to understand that as 'family' they're not going to be wined and dined and hosted the same as you'd feel required to for unfamiliar guests - who would never be allowed to stay so long!

NerrSnerr · 10/07/2021 18:46

You need to talk to them. Now your daughter is a toddler you need to do what you need to do with her, they can join in trips to the parks and walks on the beach or not, that is their choice. If your dad has plans for everyone and it doesn't work for you then you need to tell him.

It'll be a nightmare summer if you just let them dictate while you have a miserable time.

GoodbyeToCare · 10/07/2021 18:47

I agree that your DH is a saint. There is absolutely no way I could tolerate my in laws staying for that long!

EssentialHummus · 10/07/2021 18:48

What everyone else said. Carry on with your lives with some reasonable accommodations, try to include them but if they want to do x and you y that’s fine. Yes to financial contributions and if Dad wants to go for a coffee while the rest of you head to a playground that’s fine - in your shoes I’d try to find a playground/park with cafe attached but if it doesn’t exist near you so be it.

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