Family coming to stay most of summer

[Turntheheatdownfgs]

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

They come and stay for weeks on end yet never offer an evening of babysitting? I’d be suggesting that to them.
It doesn’t sound like a holiday to them, just decamping to your house and having their own way and you run about after them.
Are they elderly or fit and able?

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@Viviennemary It’s already booked, they text after they’ve booked it and ask if it’s ok[/quote]
Well that's when you should have said no actually, we're hoping to get away for a week/see some friends/decorate the living room or whatever.

I have lived in a different country from parents and in-laws for 15 years so I know what I'm talking about. There is no way we'd host either family for that long.

We don't 'take bookings' consecutively.
Any requests to visit are always responded to with a "I'll check our calendar and get back to you" or better still we invite, we have 5 days free in x and y date if you want to come over. Often we pay the flights and will ask if they want to tag on any extra days and visit another part of the country (great train connections so we send them off when their time with us is up).
I buy food they'll like and make every guest very welcome, little slippers and nice toiletries etc. But I don't necessarily take the whole time off work, I leave them to amuse themselves sometimes.

You need to be more firm. I get the whole guilt of not seeing them often but would rather everyone has a good time. If they don't babysit now is the time to start.
Book a restaurant for you and DH in their first stag and say you're so glad they can look after DD while you get a night out, isn't it great having grandparents helping out.

It's your parents, if you're getting a shopping delivery ask them to unpack, if you put laundry on ask them to hang it out, or bring their sheets down to be washed, whatever. For those length of visits you need to keep largely to your routine.
And definitely take time to yourself.

But change things going forward would be my main advice.

Some things you need to say:

• Dd is a little older now and it’s really important that we stick with her routine as much as possible. I can’t have her out of her routine for 5 weeks of the summer.

• we need to do activities that will keep Dd entertained. Even though in the past we’ve been able to do whatever dad wants to do, this time we’ll have to do more beach trips and play parks because that’s the stage she is at. We totally understand if you don’t always want to come with us and just want to do your own thing or chill at home.

• I’m exhausted a lot of the time. Do you think it would be ok if we shared out some of the cooking, so you guys do two nights a week? I’m happy to get the shopping in if you send me a list of ingredients.

• yes, thanks, that money would be really helpful and will help cover the cost of groceries.

I hope it goes ok 😊

Whatever bed they sleep in, can it be temporarily moved into storage, turn the room into an office if you or DH work from home?

Thanks all,

I just get guilty. I can imagine going out at night, even for dog walks and my mum saying it’s fine, but really it isn’t fine to her and she’ll be thinking they’ve come all the way to see us and we go out. That’s the feeling I get.
My sister and niece & nephew also come for the second visit, for a few days, not in our house though, they stay in a hotel.
They generally don’t help with washing etc but put their washing in the machine and do it or wash in the sink and hang out
I don’t generally see friends when they’re here, as again I feel guilty, but this time I think I’ll go on a couple of play dates.

They sound a bit like my parents which is fine for an overnight stay but rubbish for a longer stay.
Can you speak to your DM as she sounds a bit more reasonable and explain that you'll need to adhere to DDs routine a bit more and could she talk to your DF and just ask if they'd be prepared to babysit. She might surprise you.

If your mum is more reasonable call her and say that they need to cancel one of the trips. It's extraordinary that they would assume this was ok!

I can imagine going out at night, even for dog walks and my mum saying it’s fine, but really it isn’t fine to her and she’ll be thinking they’ve come all the way to see us and we go out. That’s the feeling I get.

Well, then she/they have the option to come out with you, unless they aren’t physically up to it.

5 weeks? Mine come for 5 hours and that's enough

@Crankley But then where would they stay 😬

The thing is they’re in the spare room, which very soon will be DD’s bedroom, so will soon be redecorated etc (Dd was co sleeping with us)
Dad leaves his clothes here in the wardrobe.
It all has to change, Dd needs a proper bedroom and I’ll have to organise a put up bed for when they come.
In regards to tv, it’s a lot of news at dinner time, we never watch the news as it’s so depressing and generally CBeebies is on for Dd for a little while after dinner,

Can you go away for a couple of weekend away & nights out with dp while your parents baby sit? I'd be taking advantage of my parents coming to spend time with dp & going out.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep Do you think so? 🤷🏻‍♀️😬

I won’t ask them to cancel but I will say it can’t be twice in summer and why don’t they stretch it out. I don’t want to hurt their feelings and for them to think we don’t want them here. I love seeing them, it just feels stressful

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep Do you think so? 🤷🏻‍♀️😬

I won’t ask them to cancel but I will say it can’t be twice in summer and why don’t they stretch it out. I don’t want to hurt their feelings and for them to think we don’t want them here. I love seeing them, it just feels stressful[/quote]
I expect you're used to them being somewhat overbearing and controlling and don't realise this is really rude behaviour! Even from close family - this isn't ok. It's encroaching, presumptuous and very rude.

@Illogicalmadness They don’t offer, I dropped so many hints, then I feel cross that they don’t. They know we haven’t been out together alone since Dd was born

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep I don’t know as don’t have anything to compare it to

The issue here is actually your guilt and you feel unreasonable in having boundaries.

You need counselling fast!

I definitely think it’s a lot to do with wanting to ensure they were able to get across..( it wasn’t like this pre covid) once in summer, autumn and spring

@RandomMess Really?! I mean they’re my parents and won’t be here forever and I moved away from them and rarely see them 🤷🏻‍♀️

The last couple of years, my dad has started to organise a night out a the pub with Dp (Dp not a massive drinker and not bothered) and then I have to come and pick them up. Then I feel like I’m spoiling the fun by feeling pissed off about it

Yes they are being unreasonable and controlling to expect you to do what they want for weeks at a time with no compromise and no consideration of DDs needs.

Why would you feel guilty for waking the dog if they didn't want to come along?

The dog needs a walk, DD needs sleep and to do enjoyable things?

It sound like your parents treat it like their holiday and expect you to host and pander to them?

I just find it stressful, my dad has some issues so that makes me feel guiltier. I’m not sure if it’s the start of dementia or some mental health issues, but he can be hard work, my mum takes the brunt of it..So I generally just keep the peace to make it an easier and nicer time for her. Mum often offloads to me a lot. I have so many of my own things going on, it makes me anxious and it’s upsetting to hear about my dad. It’s a lot!

You have to let go of the guilt of thinking that you've hurt their feelings (by going out etc) but that they are too polite to say. Heaven knows I've tied myself up in knots presuming that my parents harbour ill feeling towards me. Then I decided that if they didn't mention it, maybe they didn't feel that way after all (or didn't have the guts to mention it); and the guilt does slowly go.

I feel guilty because basically they just want to see us and I feel I’m a crap daughter for thinking this way

OMG why would you agree to these lengths of visit 😱

Torture 😩

But they only want to see you on their terms.

They aren't willing to see you on your terms by fitting in with you and DD and DP.