Family coming to stay most of summer

[Turntheheatdownfgs]

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

[quote Clymene]@Nanny0gg - well it is with my parents and most older people I know whose worlds get smaller. Mine tell me about their neighbours extensively! But like I said, my parents are. Is much older. They weren't doing that in their 60s! [/quote]
They don't need to "offer". Just tell them you are doing it! You are not a small child any more and they are coming to your home, uninvited. So you call the shots.

Didn't mean to quote that! But my mum talks about the neighbours all the time as well.

@CraftyYankee It doesn’t feel unloving as such, just cheeky/sneaky to not ask me first

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@2bazookas They never really offer. When she was tiny they’d take her in the pram for an hours walk[/quote]
So start training them. An hour or two at home with DC while you and DH go to the shops. Bathtime, such fun for GP's. Storytime. Buy games they know and can [play with her (snap, snakes and ladders, sticker books, coloured pens).
"While you're watching Midwives we're just popping out down the pub".

  The GP's, DD and you will all benefit .

What stands out in your posts OP is disrespect.

Your parents complete disrespect for you.
Their disrespect of your DP.
Their disrespect of your life.

They deliberately just booked and told you later. Disrespectful and so bloody rude.

Your poor partner.

You have such disrespect for him.

I would never allow any family or friend behave in such a manner and impose on my home and my partner.

You are as guilty as your parents of disrespect and selfishness.

I feel very sorry for your partner and if he ends up deelpy unhappy with you, it will be no less than you deserve.

Your parents are suiting themselves and sound rude and selfish.

You are putting them ahead of your partner and daughter which is very wrong.

Also for them to be there while your poor partner has his annual summer holiday is again unforgivable.

I have very little sympathy for people who disregard the person they live with so spectacularly because they can't say no to family.

I don't know how old you are OP, but for me, I was 40, the year I finally stood up to my mother, with two children, aged 7 and 5, and didn't let her play her games anymore.

It took my town, and damned near my family, being broken, when she rang to tell me she was coming to 'support me', and I said 'no'. There were tears, recriminations, crying, accusations, and finally the silent treatment for two blissful weeks, but I stood firm.

We were going to a Memorial Day, it was the day my child had her first appointment for PTSD therapy, and my husband's face when he realised that she'd just invited herself down at a truly hellish time - and I finally grew the backbone my family - my family - my kids and my husband - needed.

It was so fecking worth it.

[quote Clymene]@Nanny0gg - well it is with my parents and most older people I know whose worlds get smaller. Mine tell me about their neighbours extensively! But like I said, my parents are. Is much older. They weren't doing that in their 60s! [/quote]
Anecdote doesn't equal fact and it's bloody insulting to equate all older people with rudeness and self-centeredness

I think many people who were always selfish and self centred, get more selfish and self centreder as they get older. . . sometimes they come out the other side, and get a bit nicer though, lol.

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@Skiptheheartsandflowers I’m not sure if he even realises he wakes Dd up tbh, he doesn’t do it deliberately, he’s noisy, Dp is the same. It’s only the females who seem to be able to move around quietly in our house 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
If you're not sure he knows... make sure he knows. Tell him.

@Nanny0gg - excuse me? I think you've been reading someone else's posts. I've repeatedly said that I think OP's parents are behaving appallingly. And I have not once excused that behaviour because of their age.

The only thing I said was that older people's worlds often get smaller. I'm sorry if that's offensive but it's true for many older retired people who are constrained by either ill health or a lack of imagination.

FWIW I am nearly 60!

@billy1966 😳Seriously?! I’m not trying to disrespect Dp, I’m in the middle trying to keep everyone happy, when I feel like host running off and telling everyone to F off at the moment

You seem so trained to keep your parents happy that you aren't able to recognise that they are being very out of order and disrespectful to you and your DP. It is so ingrained in you that them doing what they want and when they want is ok and you should accommodate it all with a smile on your face and be grateful they came to have a holiday in your home.

Yes when you live far away relatives state with each other BUT they don't treat it like their holiday at the hosts expense.

But you are disrespecting him.

You are allowing YOUR parents to TELL you that they are coming to your home that you SHARE with your partner.

You are disrespectful to allow it.

If my husband TOLD me that his family had TOLD him that they were coming to stay for 5 weeks over the summer including my work holidays I would laugh and tell him not to be ridiculous.

YOUR parents have NO respect for YOU.

YOU have NO respect for that poor partner of yours.

If you DID have respect you would tell your family

1. Do not book a holiday to stay here with out consulting us first.

1. 5 weeks is ridiculous and too much.

1. No way are you coming to stay during his hard earned annual leave.

1. You will discuss with your partner what suits ye and TELL THEM what works.

THAT is how a respectful partner behaves.

Try it!

Sounds like a bit of a nightmare! But... just stick to your guns with your walks and getting your little one out to the park etc.

I know what you mean about noisy people - my mum is noisy the second I get the kids to bed when I stay at theirs. She immediately goes up and starts banging about! Shouts down the stairs to talk to me or my dad I have said in the past that I don't expect it to be silent but please don't shout as I end up having to resettle the smaller one and can't chill out and chat with her! Good luck

@HerMammy

OP you seem a bit of a wet blanket, complaining about their visits then excusing every piece of advice with ‘but but they’re my parents’ They aren’t missing out on other holidays, they choose to come to Hotel Turnthe heatdown and be pandered to! The fact they don’t offer to cook or babysit and expect their own way should tell you how selfish they are. Either speak up or put up 🤷🏼‍♀️

This. You RNBU to feel a bit pissed off. YRBVVU to raise the issue then refuse to take any advice on board because you haven’t got the guts to say no to your parents. Say something and make changes..or don’t, and put up with it.

OP, you really can’t be so afraid of other people being upset that you have boundaries and needs and preferences. Your family are by no means bad people, but they do not respect you simply because you’ve never given them any boundaries they would need to respect. This is a fixable thing.

It’s both of them in different ways, my dad will say about the babysitting but mum will sit quiet, he’ll also say that I shouldn’t be cooking and everyone can make their own bits, but my mum won’t agree or say anything.

OP, what would happen if the next time your dad mentions babysitting or everyone making their own bits, ( I assume you mean making sandwiches or something easy for a meal), you say, "Great idea. OH, let's pop down to the cafe for lunch", or "All the fixings for sandwiches are in here in the fridge"?

Is it possible your mum says nothin because your dad is actually expecting your mum to do these things by herself?

Still, strange that they don't offer to take care of your DD for even one evening.

I just want to check.

So your parents booked the second stay without asking you the dates,

And then your sister and fam booked THEIR stay without asking you.

And so now you are locked in to those dates because everyone has booked their tickets.

Which happen to be the same as the dates of your partner's annual holidays when he wanted to go somewhere.

So, to avoid upsetting your parents and sister, and so that your parents and sister can have a nice holiday where you serve as host and hotel, you are essentially allowing your partner's annual holiday, after the awful Covid year, to be cancelled. And instead he will be made to host.

I think you need to contact your parents and sister and say, sorry about this, but you will have to change the dates of your second trip, perhaps to sometime in the fall, because you have mistakenly booked them to cover my partner's holidays, and he really needs a break and cannot be hosting guests at that time.

Yes it will cost them some money and inconvenience. That is their fault for booking BEFORE "asking" you (and since once they have booked, everyone sees the dates as unchangeable, they really are not asking you, they are just pretending to ask you).

Tell them next time they need to ask about dates BEFORE they spend any money or make commitments.

The folk upthread who were saying sour the milk a bit are absolutely right BTW. My FIL is boring and wants all your attention, and I used to feel like I had to try and show interest - I don't know why, politeness I guess - but I found that after I started letting my boredom show on my face and stopped making so much effort to follow what he was saying, he dominated the dinner table conversation far less. I think that's fine. If people are not good at perceiving subtle social cues or considering whether they might be acting in an annoying way, then there is nothing wrong with giving them slightly less subtle social cues

@aloris This is what I need to find out…my mum wanted to come for DD’s birthday but my sis has to consider the school hols, so I don’t know who booked first out of the two of them, this is what I’ll ask

@Andylion Yes I def think so as he doesn’t really cook and doesn’t have much involvement in looking after Ds’s kids either, so I’m guessing it would fall down to her, which is maybe why she keeps quiet as she doesn’t want it to?

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@aloris This is what I need to find out…my mum wanted to come for DD’s birthday but my sis has to consider the school hols, so I don’t know who booked first out of the two of them, this is what I’ll ask[/quote]
I'm not quite understanding why you need to know which of them booked first? Whether they chose those dates off their own wishes or because they overlapped with your sister's previously booked dates is not important. What's important is that your parents booked to stay at your home without asking you, and thus impinged on your partner's holidays without asking him.

[quote Clymene]@Nanny0gg - excuse me? I think you've been reading someone else's posts. I've repeatedly said that I think OP's parents are behaving appallingly. And I have not once excused that behaviour because of their age.

The only thing I said was that older people's worlds often get smaller. I'm sorry if that's offensive but it's true for many older retired people who are constrained by either ill health or a lack of imagination.

FWIW I am nearly 60![/quote]
Ageism.

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@aloris This is what I need to find out…my mum wanted to come for DD’s birthday but my sis has to consider the school hols, so I don’t know who booked first out of the two of them, this is what I’ll ask[/quote]
It doesn't matter who booked first, if they didn't check with you then tough.

You really are disrespecting your DH immensely whether you acknowledge it or not. You are putting him at the back of the queue and that is not on. You are supposed to be a team, a have formed a family and to put them first.

I moved abroad many years ago so understand more than many and get that you miss your parents but you have them on a weird pedestal, describing obnoxious behaviour and saying it's not bad. It's awful and you should be putting your DH and DC ahead of your parents.

Can you honestly not see that not one post says this is ok?