Family coming to stay most of summer

[Turntheheatdownfgs]

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

@Wallywobbles I can see that, I’m not disagreeing!

@Unicornflakegirl I’m not not putting my dd first in any way, it’s beneficial for her to spend time with her grandparents,
Difficult for dp yes, although he’s less uptight than me about it and likes people staying, it’s me who feels all the pressure and does the majority of things etc

@Turntheheatdownfgs

I feel guilty because basically they just want to see us and I feel I’m a crap daughter for thinking this way

No, they just want to watch Emmerdale.

Bollocks to your guilt.

Have you asked your DP how he would feel about your parents being there for all of his annual leave? It's a lot easier to be laid back about houseguests when you're out of the house for the majority of the day.

You said it way down the thread "they want a change of scene" it is really this to carry on living their life their way but in a different environment.

What does your partner think of your parents being at your house when it's his holiday?

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@Unicornflakegirl I’m not not putting my dd first in any way, it’s beneficial for her to spend time with her grandparents,
Difficult for dp yes, although he’s less uptight than me about it and likes people staying, it’s me who feels all the pressure and does the majority of things etc[/quote]
If you are teaching your daughter that it's okay for people to trample all over boundaries and not work as a team with their spouse, if you are allowing her routine to be disrupted (early wake ups, not going on walks, not watching her TV shows ever) and all the while to form a bond with grandparents who don't even babysit when they stay for weeks at a time at their convenience and think that's all okay then I don't know what you want from this thread.

I have been the one who moved abroad, I've had MIL moan that it was hardly wortwhile to only come for 5 days (similar flight time).
"no problem MIL we understand if you don't want to come". We learnt the hard way after the first few months and put boundaries in place that allowed us to function as our unit and people could fit in or not come. We host plenty of people including friends of my sibling who studied here for a couple of years. We're an easygoing household but visitors aren't getting hotel treatment.
We also stay in hotels or Airbnb when we go home to visit family as we don't want to be tied to their routines so we don't impose on them. It is also pretty handy as it sets the precedent that it is a thing to pay for accommodation.

You should think about getting a break away with your DH and DD even if it is a few days during the second visit, it would send a message that they need to check and give your DH a break from your family.
Failing that a conversation about booking in advance and a big prominent calendar with activities or meetups written there for the time of their visit can prompt conversations. Especially if they are nosey enough to look in your calendar unprompted.

Sounds utterly horrendous and I have no idea why you would agree to this. Get them to cancel the second trip.

I'm in my late fifties with grown children and wish that I had learned to put in property boundaries at the outset of having kids. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets to do it as everybody gets used to you putting what they want first.
It will be a difficult few months as you sort it out, but in the long term it will mean that you actually enjoy the company of your family rather than dreading it.

And no way is it normal for anyone to book a 3 week stay at somebody else's house without discussing in advance of it is convenient.

I'll tell you how this works when my parents come over for some perspective. They ask me to help them find a cheap apartment nearby. They come in their own car. They babysit a few times while they're there. On the evening, we each do our own thing unless we go out to dinner. They always pay for dinner and coffees out. You are getting shafted frankly.

I really wish posters would make it clear when they just want to vent & have no intention of doing anything about a situation.

@LegoCaltrops ?

How do you know I have no intention of doing anything? I’ve taken on board lots of comments, will speak to them when they arrive about only coming once during summer and always checking beforehand..that’s the thing I’m most angry about. I will also stick to taking Dd to the beach some evenings, the dog for a walk etc as normal. I’m also going to suggest we all cook a couple of times per week and I’m going to sit down after dinner and not jump up to wash dishes etc and tell Dp to do the same. I’m also going to have days where I decide where we’re (or I’m going at least!) with Dd..playgrounds, pool etc, it would be great if they joined, if not, that’s ok too.

@Clymene We don’t know for sure yet if it will be his hols, but due to the heat, they often take the end of August off

OP, do I remember correctly that you suffer from some long Covid symptoms. And that you are generally exhausted?
Could you afford to pay for your parents to stay in same hotel as your sister during second visit? They would still get to celebrate DDs birthday.
Also, if you normally visit beach most evenings with DD, then continue as normal as opposed to just some evenings. Evening is gorgeous time at the beach.
Likewise, dog needs to be walked, that is absolutely not optional.
You DD is now older and easier to babysit. Absolutely you should ask grandparent to babysit perhaps once per week.
And lastly, why are you expected to pickup Dad and Dh after a night out?? Can they not get a taxi? You are exhausted and need your sleep.
I lived abroad for many years. My visitors always fitted around us, especially once DDs came along.

Just be matter of fact and nice about it, but you all need to work around DDs routine.
Finally, if your dad wakes DD, send her into grandparents and go back to bed.

My parents/PIL doted on my DDs. They wanted to spend time with them and would have been totally charmed to spend time with us at the beach each evening and to have DDs to themselves early morning and to babysit.
Be brave, stand up for yourself, your DD and your DH!

And...
Forget new towels, bedding, etc! That is beyond ridiculous!

I’m sure you have lovely ‘good’ stuff.
If mom isn’t happy, send her shopping for new towels, etc. That is the most entitled thing I have ever heard of visitors.
Of you could ask her to bring her own!

I was driving to Wales with my parents on a holiday which I would really rather have not gone on. My mother complained about what was on the radio. I said, it’s my car , I’m driving you, the kids like it. It stays. Sometimes you have to say. I’m grown up now.

OP, I have nothing useful to say, but I feel for you.

@PrincessNutella Thank you

@Turntheheatdownfgs As it's now the end of summer and presumably your parents have been and gone, how did it work out?