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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family coming to stay most of summer

294 replies

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 17:54

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

OP posts:
violetbunny · 10/07/2021 21:39

In the nicest possible way, you need to let go of the guilt.
It's not reasonable to expect anyone to put their life on hold for 5 weeks while visiting them. So stop feeling guilty that you're not.

Dedicate a small part of each day to having some quality time with them, then the rest of the time just get on with your life.

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:44

@StevenYerTeasReady I’m not engaging with nasty language. My dads not an arsehole, he isn’t deliberately waking Dd, he’s 72 years old and shows some signs of dementia/mental illness as I stated. I don’t want him to be called an arsehole. I’ve received constructive criticism and helpful advice from others.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:46

@Skiptheheartsandflowers I’m not sure if he even realises he wakes Dd up tbh, he doesn’t do it deliberately, he’s noisy, Dp is the same. It’s only the females who seem to be able to move around quietly in our house 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:47

@LegoCaltrops Mum late 70’s, dad early 70’s I don’t know, it’s a long time off, who knows where anyone will be

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/07/2021 21:48

How did your DP treat their parents when you were a child?

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:49

@violetbunny Yes, you’re right

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/07/2021 21:50

No offence, OP, but stop being such a bloody doormat! It’s too late to change their arrangements now, but while they’re here, you mention you can’t do so much next year as dd will have loads of play dates/you’re going away etc. Tell your dad he needs to take his clothes home to reinforce the whole it’s dd’s room from next year. I bet your DP is well fed up, going by the dil whinging posts on here about the husband’s parents coming to stay for weeks. I think my mum is coming for 4 nights in August. I may go loopy! My dh will politely tolerate her but can’t cope with her for so long.

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:50

@Sciurus83 A 2.5 plane journey away

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:51

The guilt is that we live far away and maybe they just want to spend as much time as possible with us whilst they can and haven’t even considered it as being cheeky as we’re family 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Tulips15 · 10/07/2021 21:51

I wouldnt have agreed to a 2nd visit and 2weeks at most. Tbh.

But as You haven't told them not to...
I would aay ' This time we are laying some rules..., I need help around the house when you stay, Half the meals made and half the cost would be great, We will carry on as usual eg going to beach ect, up to you guys if you want to come or not'

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:53

@RandomMess My dp, as in partner?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/07/2021 21:53

No dear parents

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:55

@Tulips15 They’d already booked it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe I am a complete doormat as I’d feel so weird about saying that to my parents, I expect people just to help, to notice and to want to help. To offer to babysit while we go out (tbf my dad says that a lot, mum never has 🤷🏻‍♀️)

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:56

@RandomMess They treated them ok I think? We all stayed with my grandparents around once per month for the weekend and my parents would go out for a drink on the Saturday night. My grandma would look after us and make a fried breakfast and a Sunday dinner the next day.

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 10/07/2021 21:57

How did your DP treat their parents when you were a child?
Good question. I assume @RandomMess meant your DPs.

It’s too late to change their arrangements now, but while they’re here, you mention you can’t do so much next year as dd will have loads of play dates/you’re going away etc. Tell your dad he needs to take his clothes home to reinforce the whole it’s dd’s room from next year.
I agree with this. Also, CBeebies / Nick Junior / whatever channel for a while each day. Even if you don't usually have it on. Sour the milk.

MrsDThomas · 10/07/2021 21:59

You have to tell them it ain’t happening. Seriously, I would NEVER put up with that. Make plans snd go away.

RubyGoat · 10/07/2021 22:00

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@RandomMess They treated them ok I think? We all stayed with my grandparents around once per month for the weekend and my parents would go out for a drink on the Saturday night. My grandma would look after us and make a fried breakfast and a Sunday dinner the next day.[/quote]
But did your DGPs descend on your DPs for weeks at a time?

PussInBin20 · 10/07/2021 22:00

I’d feel the same as you OP. I love my Mum and look forward to when she comes but after a few days, I look forward to her going!

My Mum also takes over the TV which annoys my DH as she will often put something on then fall asleep, by which time all the things he would have watched are half way through.

I think you will just have to go out on some evenings - offer for them to come or not, but say you would rather be out in the Summer evenings and don’t usually watch TV. I don’t think you would be unreasonable to say this. Or alternate the eves.

If you are having to cook, then task them with doing something with the DD so you can get on with it.

You will have to put up with some things you don’t like (I do too) but like you, I remind myself she won’t always be around/or able to travel (albeit we are only cpl of hours away).

I have definitely noticed though as she gets older, she is less tolerant and likes things a certain way, bordering on selfish really, so I think it can be an age thing.

Good luck.

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:00

@MrsDThomas But, what would you say to them? You’d just say ‘No, sorry you can’t come’ how could I say that, they’d be so upset

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/07/2021 22:01

So your grandparents hosted, babysat and it was for a weekend.

Meanwhile your parents expect you to host and not actually help with DD.

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:01

@LegoCaltrops No, never, but they lived 20 minutes away, we’re abroad

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:02

@RandomMess They help as in okay with her etc and they adore her

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:02

*Play

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 10/07/2021 22:03

Have your parents ever actually hosted anyone? Or have they always been the guests?

unlikelytobe · 10/07/2021 22:03

Can't they postpone their second visit? The two visits are too long and too close together. You love them and want to see them but there is some imposition here.

They clearly don't make much effort to fit in or help out, it all revolves around their preferences! Give your DP a guided tour of the kitchen and ask which nights they want to do the dinner. Don't tolerate them ruling what's on the TV. Strongly suggest they babysit one night.