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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family coming to stay most of summer

294 replies

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 17:54

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

OP posts:
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:05

@PussInBin20 Yes, that’s exactly how I feel, that’s where the guilt comes in. I’ve hinted lots before about preferring to see them more, but broken up. I realise this hasn’t been possible with covid and also it’s obviously more expensive to book more flights per year

OP posts:
bringon2020 · 10/07/2021 22:05

There's a reason you moved away from them...

Clymene · 10/07/2021 22:06

It's really rude behaviour. It's rude to leave clothes at someone else's house, it's rude to monopolise the telly, it's rude to invite yourselves to stay for weeks at a time.

They treat you and you your home like possessions. If your partner isn't really pissed ofd by this, he must be incredibly laid back.

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:07

@LegoCaltrops When we go back over to them in the U.K., mum does the cooking every night etc (we’ve not been back for a few years due to covid and Dd being born etc) but she does cook every night, I’ve never gone back home and cooked. But I’ve never stayed longer than a week as don’t like staying at anyone’s for longer than that

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/07/2021 22:08

You keep hinting, they are thick skinned. Stop hinting and start explaining it's too much/they need to be more understanding about how to fit into what works for DD.

MrsDThomas · 10/07/2021 22:09

Tell them you’ve made plans. I would be pulling my hair out.

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:12

@MrsDThomas They’re excited to come and see us all, I couldn’t do that to them.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 10/07/2021 22:14

so they love you and want to see you but only if they can do it when they want for as long as they want and have it their own way when they are with you?

Wallywobbles · 10/07/2021 22:14

I'd get DD into her bedroom before they arrive. With her furniture. A few days of sharing with her or sleeping on the sofa will solve all your problems.

RainingZen · 10/07/2021 22:16

You mentioned a sister ... are your parents going to stay with her for 5 weeks too?

I think you have to give yourself permission
to assert yourself a bit more.

Wallywobbles · 10/07/2021 22:22

God your parents have done a number on you and the GUILT. You need to see a psychologist frankly.

I'd divorce my DH if he said anyone family was coming for 5 weeks and visa versa. And this is despite my best friend living with us for 4 months. But she cooks, cleans, pays, plays and generally adults.

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:22

@RainingZen My sister lives down the road from them

Yes I need to be more assertive in some areas. I think they maybe texted me after they’d booked as I couldn’t say no then. But I still think it’s because they want to see us all. I mean I’m their daughter, they’re not going to use me for a free hol. I mean, if anything, I sometimes feel bad at all the places they’ve missed out on going as they spend their holidays with us and their money on plane tickets etc

OP posts:
Holly60 · 10/07/2021 22:24

I think you have to make this work for you. Carry on with your normal routine, and if they don’t join in, that’s their call. When your mum offers to cook, take her up on it. Ignore your dad if he sulks.

If they really hate it, they won’t come for so long next time 🤷‍♀️

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:24

@Wallywobbles Really?!

It’s 5 weeks, but not in one go, split up into just under 3 weeks, then back 3 weeks later for 2 weeks.

Why would my parents want to do a number on me though, I’m their daughter 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
MrsDThomas · 10/07/2021 22:24

I don’t understand why you are here asking for advice. If you won’t day no to them, you have to suck it up

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 22:26

@MrsDThomas I was seeing if I was bu for feeling suffocated/a bit pissed off about it

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/07/2021 22:29

Presumably they are retired and not working? They aren't spending their holiday time with you?

HerMammy · 10/07/2021 22:29

OP you seem a bit of a wet blanket, complaining about their visits then excusing every piece of advice with ‘but but they’re my parents’
They aren’t missing out on other holidays, they choose to come to Hotel Turnthe heatdown and be pandered to!
The fact they don’t offer to cook or babysit and expect their own way should tell you how selfish they are.
Either speak up or put up 🤷🏼‍♀️

Selkiesarereal · 10/07/2021 22:34

I think it’s time to set boundaries as once the visit gets to this length of time, they aren’t really guests so need to fit in.

We have been through this with my parents and we do have a balance of sorts.

They keep clothes and toiletries here as they aren’t in the way and it makes things a little easier for them so not a biggy.

If we have plans, e.g play dates, catch up with friends, they will go ahead. They can huff but again, due to the length of the visit they are not normal guests.

Mine don’t cook here but then I don’t cook when I go to my childhood home but we do clear the table etc at our respective homes.

We will go for walks and they are welcome to come and equally we can join them when they head out.

The tv remains contentious but they know that they can’t watch the news as it has adult themed issues and not suitable for them. They have finally accepted this especially when it was showing some terrible item involving children.

As for getting up early, they don’t know how to work the alarm so can’t go walkabout until we are up!

I can’t say it’s perfect and there has been moments over the years in which there have been frank conversation reminding them that it’s not just my house, that tends to work.

Heronwatcher · 10/07/2021 22:36

I think if it were me I would let them come but definitely set the rules and stick to them. Self service breakfast and lunch (just put stuff out like crackers, rolls etc), no fancy meals/ batch cooking, coffee and tea station. Asking for help with clearing up/ dishwasher. Also you must do what you want to do in the evenings- if you don’t you’ll eventually be so resentful it will all blow up. If you’ve spent most of the day together then they might be grateful for the down time too. Obviously invite them if you want to but if they don’t want to come then just go, especially if all they want to do is watch the TV.

godmum56 · 10/07/2021 22:41

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@Wallywobbles Really?!

It’s 5 weeks, but not in one go, split up into just under 3 weeks, then back 3 weeks later for 2 weeks.

Why would my parents want to do a number on me though, I’m their daughter 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Hahahahahahaha

WavesAndLeaves · 10/07/2021 22:45

Oh my gosh, you feel SO much obligation towards your parents - WHY?! You are still acting like a child when it comes to them, when you're a parent yourself. This isn't unusual, but you need to get a grip on it and change it.

Their feelings are not your responsibility. You should not feel guilty for living your life - they clearly don't feel guilty making you stay in and watch Emmerdale when you'd rather be out. Change the dynamic to be adult to adult, not parent to child.

Clymene · 10/07/2021 22:46

They don't come to see you, they come for a free holiday

aloris · 10/07/2021 22:51

Your parents will feel that you are abandoning them if you take the dog for a walk or take your daughter to the beach, but your father goes off for a night of drinking with your partner. Why is your father abandoning you like that? Doesn't he want to spend time with you? Why is he spending so much time watching tv? Doesn't he want to chat with you?1?!!?

Just kidding. Of course it's lovely to see your parents but at some point after the first three days of 24/7 interaction, you start to get diminishing returns. 5 weeks of constant togetherness is not going to make up for having been apart for a year and it's pointless to try or to feel guilty about needing to do normal things that don't include your parents. Taking your child to the beach, taking your dog for walks, letting your child watch her favorite shows each day, none of these things will in fact detract from the gift of time together that you are giving to your parents by having them to stay. Can you, at least intellectually, acknowledge this?

Looking at what you've written, I wonder if this feeling of anxiety at any sign of not catering to their every wish, is all an illusion brought on by the fact that your father feels a need to control others and (perhaps unconsciously) uses your willingness to be controlled as a proxy for how much you love him. If you stop letting him dictate what you do all day during "family time" then it's as if he thinks you no longer love him, so he gets into a mood. I know you are putting it down to his age and possibly the beginnings of dementia, but you also say it has always been a bit like that between you two. Maybe this is just how he is. I see that you want to have an optimistic view of his motives, so I won't argue with that, but if you can acknowledge that he likes to be in control then maybe you can also acknowledge that your position as a wife and mother means you cannot always give in, because you have separate obligations to your husband and child. You have to balance your father's wants with their needs. You also have a responsibility to look after your own health because you have to care for your child.

Older women I know who deal with men like this just get into a different frame of mind that works for them to manage this kind of controlling behavior. A sort of briskness that is caring and loving, but no-nonsense. I will be taking Twyla to the beach every day at 5 pm to play in the sand; you're welcome to come, and I'll start dinner when I get back. I'm just going to change the channel to CBeebies so Twyla can watch her programmes and then in an hour or so you can change it back for the sports. I need to take Rover for a walk, who's coming with?

You also need to be somewhat sensitive that elderly people can actually do things that seem strange but that make sense because of their older age. You can talk to your mother quietly to ensure that what you decide upon is manageable for both parents: I can get the sheets off your bed since I know the bending hurts your back but I'll need you to pop them into the laundry while I run to the store. I made beans and rice for us but I made you a nice steak because I know the beans disagree with you.

If this produces doom and gloom or scowling, you just ignore it. Continued cheerfulness. Organise your household in the way that works for you and let them know where they can fit into it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/07/2021 22:55

@RandomMess

I would write down DDs plans for the day and they can join in, work around them etc etc

You just present it as "This is what DD is doing if you want us to join you in doing something else you need to discuss it with us in advance"

Then crack on and carry on with your usual routine unless you plan a joint trip doing something else.

Perhaps early nights for you and DD to cope with your Dad waking you up early.

This worked really well with my parents who basically sleep in until 10am and looked baffled when we were preparing lunch as they ate breakfast. We tried to accommodate them for a few days when they came first but the toddler was constantly tired or hungry and timetable totally out of whack. So I started to tell them the plan for the next day over dinner and to gently set expectations. I wouldn't mind but they'd had buckets of kids themselves. They just got on with it and made an effort on the days they wanted to join in with what we were doing. It was fine after that. Very similar with the tv etc which is annoying but once we got some normality going everyone was happier. We made the evening meal or went out but they did their own brunches 😉
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