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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family coming to stay most of summer

294 replies

Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 17:54

How would you arrange things?

Parents are coming for 3 weeks to stay in our house next week. Then they come again for two weeks, three weeks later.
We’re used to seeing them for a couple of weeks in summer, then a gap and at autumn, spring etc. It’s lovely of course, but is a big chunk of summer and feels a bit overwhelming.
I usually do all cooking etc, but the thought of this for 5 weeks is a lot. Also the evenings are so hot, we often head to the beach for sunset with toddler Dd or out for walks. My parents prefer to sit in and watch tv etc. In the past we’ve done this as is only for a couple of weeks. Now it’s a large part of our summer and I don’t want to miss out on all those summer nights.
Am I being selfish?
How would you basically arrange meals, days and time together if your family came for this long?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 10/07/2021 20:37

OP, I'm sorry, I know I'm most probably pissing you off, but if you have to be a crap daughter to be a good mother and wife - well, that, to me, is a trade off I'm willing to make. And did. Yes, it wasn't pretty. But my children and my husband - they're my priority, their well-being, and our relationship. I got to a point where I would sacrifice pleasing my parents to ensuring the wellbeing of my family.

IrishCharm · 10/07/2021 20:47

Carry on with your plans as normal - if they want to come with you, fine and if they don’t then again fine!
It doesn’t have to be an issue - if my parents or in-laws were coming to stay then we’d do stuff together and stuff apart! There’s no need for drama!

IrishCharm · 10/07/2021 20:52

And I don’t mean you causing drama - be positive and open and don’t be drawn into ANY conflict x Just literally say it as it is - “we’re going to such and such, would you like to come?” ……”no Thankyou……” “ok see you later”
I’d literally ignore if they had a problem but I am much older and wiser these days!

RandomMess · 10/07/2021 20:52

You are reverting back to your childhood role of keeping them happy regardless of what you want or need.

Nuggetnugget · 10/07/2021 20:58

You need to get Dd bedroom sorted out soon and then tell them

Very selfish of them not to cook. To wake Dd up and expect 5 weeks in your home. So selfish really.

Can't believe your dh puts up with it.
Could you book a meal / night out a couple of times when they are here again. I would!!!

ShitPoetryClub · 10/07/2021 21:00

Wait what?? Your DDad is leaving his clothes in the wardrobe Hmm He is really staking a claim there isn't he! Like a dog pissing around the garden marking his territory.

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:06

@ShitPoetryClub I don’t get his reason for that? I know he likes to travel light, so every time texts and asks me what’s still in the wardrobe 😩They do call it their bedroom, but they also know Dd needs a bedroom now

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:08

It was the same last year with covid, I remember they had a 5 week break before coming back, this is 3 weeks in between and back again. They also are staying just under 3 weeks the first time, not two

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:10

@mbosnz You’re not pissing me off, you’re right, it’s just how on earth can you say fi your parents you don’t want them over as much, but I kind of do 🤷🏻‍♀️I feel sad I rarely see them, so feel guilty for feeling this way

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:10

I know that one day I’ll be so sad and miss the days they were here and likely give anything to have them back 😟

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/07/2021 21:12

You can either tell them more than a week is too long and/or stop making it so comfortable for them.

Dad you can't leave things here anymore. Next time you stay it will have to be on a sofa bed unless you want to book a hotel nearby.

Stop letting them be in control of the TV, the daily plans, tell them they need to help with meals/clearing up and they need to do their own laundry.

RubyGoat · 10/07/2021 21:16

Do they even realise that by next year it won't be "their" room any more, it will be your DD's room?

GetTaeFuck · 10/07/2021 21:18

Focus less on being a crap daughter and more on being a good mother. In the sense that, your Dad is a grown ass man who can throw a fit all he wants, your child comes first in all ways in her own home and if he doesn’t like it, he can fuck off.

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:20

@LegoCaltrops Yes I think so, this is my dilemma, I’ll have to put a put up bed in there for when guests come.
I’ve offered our room lots of times, big room with terrace and en suite, dad is v happy with that but mum said she couldn’t sleep there because we sometimes have our dog on the bed! Another thing she doesn’t agree with, dogs being on sofas/beds etc. Our dog is very much part of the family and does do this

OP posts:
GetTaeFuck · 10/07/2021 21:20

Also, your dog needs to be walked and shunting that 100% onto DH is out of order, so they’ll have to suck that up too.

Life doesn’t fucking stop because they’ve rocked up, especially not for that amount of time.

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:20

@GetTaeFuck My dads not doing anything to not let my Dd come first though

OP posts:
StevenYerTeasReady · 10/07/2021 21:21

If it was your ILs, people would say you have a DH problem.

Your DH has a DW problem. Poor bloke, having his entire summer fucked over because his wife can't tell her arsehole of a dad to behave himself.

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:23

@StevenYerTeasReady He’s not an arsehole and my dp gets on with them

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 10/07/2021 21:25

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@LegoCaltrops Yes I think so, this is my dilemma, I’ll have to put a put up bed in there for when guests come.
I’ve offered our room lots of times, big room with terrace and en suite, dad is v happy with that but mum said she couldn’t sleep there because we sometimes have our dog on the bed! Another thing she doesn’t agree with, dogs being on sofas/beds etc. Our dog is very much part of the family and does do this[/quote]
You would have your parents sleeping in your DD's room on a putup bed? What about when he starts getting up, all noisily, as he currently does? Or do you mean in the living room?

Why can't they stay at a B&B like most people who visit family who live in a small house?

Original poster
Turntheheatdownfgs · 10/07/2021 21:28

@LegoCaltrops Dd would come in with us for that time. It’s not a small house as in 3 bathrooms but only 2 bedrooms, but v spacious. I guess they could but with flights and spending money etc it would cost a lot

OP posts:
Bimblybomeyelash · 10/07/2021 21:29

I think you just need to take control. Decide what you think is an acceptable timetable
over their stay/s, and then let them know. So maybe send them a calendar with some daytime and evening time activities filled in already, and then ask them what they want to do on the other days. I think 2 days with them and one day without is a good plan and 2 evenings down the beach then one evening family meal. And bloody put a date night for yourself and DP on the calendar!

StevenYerTeasReady · 10/07/2021 21:30

Why do you say he's not an arsehole? I've read approx a dozen posts from you detailing his general arseholery.

Waking your daughter.
Commandeered the TV.
Sulking if you don't do what he wants.

Your DH might get on with them, but I can as close to guarantee he will begrudge your parents taking over his house for virtually the entire summer. Would you like his parents taking over your house? Hell, you don't want your own parents doing it, yet the poor bloke is lumbered with his ILs for weeks on end.

As I say, if it were him wanting his parents to stay, you'd have a DH problem and plenty here would tell you to leave him if he didnt put you fand your bairn first.

Your DH has a DW problem because you, my dear, are too gutless to actually tell them how you feel.

I have great sympathy for your husband. Imagine finding out that instead of marrying a woman, he married her parents too.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 10/07/2021 21:30

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@GetTaeFuck My dads not doing anything to not let my Dd come first though[/quote]
You already said you have to have the news on instead of CBeebies, and that he gets up noisily and wakes her up. So I think you're forgetting a number of things that show your dad does expect his wishes to come above your daughter's. That might be ok sometimes. But not every single time or even most of it.

RubyGoat · 10/07/2021 21:30

[quote Turntheheatdownfgs]@LegoCaltrops Dd would come in with us for that time. It’s not a small house as in 3 bathrooms but only 2 bedrooms, but v spacious. I guess they could but with flights and spending money etc it would cost a lot[/quote]
How old are your parents? What do you plan to do when your DD is, say, 12?

Sciurus83 · 10/07/2021 21:30

Christ Alive OP they've done a right number on you. And yes your DH must be a saint. Get some boundaries and stop feeling guilty and anxious about doing normal things in your own home. It is the height of rudeness for anyone to book to stay in your house without checking it's convenient, just springing 5 weeks on you is ridiculous even if they are your parents. Can you not see that? Are they coming a very long way? You really do need to get some sort of help with this it's very unusual to feel guilty about taking your child out for a walk when you are at your own home and people have imposed themselves on you.