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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

272 replies

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:41

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

OP posts:

BrownEyedGirl80 · 09/07/2021 11:42

Yanbu .go to your friends wedding

MoiraNotRuby · 09/07/2021 11:43

She goes to her godmothers wedding which she had already committed to.

Sorry auntie but thats how calendars work.

Pinkroseuk · 09/07/2021 11:44

Yanbu

thefirstmrsrochester · 09/07/2021 11:45

She goes to her godmother’s wedding as that was the first one committed to.

NoYOUbekind · 09/07/2021 11:45

The first engagement you accept is the one you stick to. So she goes with you. It's a real shame but if the aunt had really wanted her as bridesmaid, surely she would have checked with you first ?

Original poster

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:46

@NoYOUbekind

The first engagement you accept is the one you stick to. So she goes with you. It's a real shame but if the aunt had really wanted her as bridesmaid, surely she would have checked with you first ?

Apparently hers was in the planning stages at the same time and ExH didn't realise the clash. I've had to remind him of the weekend change coming up and thats when it's come to light about the clash of dates.

OP posts:

viques · 09/07/2021 11:47

She accepted the bf / godmother wedding invitation first , so you send regrets and best wishes for a wonderful day to the other one.

I don’t see the problem , it’s called being polite.

BarbarianMum · 09/07/2021 11:47

Would your friend mind? I mean, I know she'd like your dd to be her bridesmaid but would she be devastated if she couldn't be? Is it worth putting your dd in the middle of a family upset for?

I voted and now I wish I hadn't. It's a tricky one.

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2021 11:48

So bride no 2 just assumed she’d be free? She goes to the first to ask.

AlexaShutUp · 09/07/2021 11:48

Yes, I agree with pp that she abides by her existing commitment.

bellsbuss · 09/07/2021 11:48

Godmothers as that is the one you said yes to first.

selflove · 09/07/2021 11:48

Surely if ExH has a court order, and it's his weekend, then she goes to her aunts wedding?

It would be nice if he was willing to let her go to your friends, particularly since he already said she could. But if he has changed his mind then you'd have to go to court (or be in breach of your order).

Youdiditanyway · 09/07/2021 11:49

Godmother’s wedding because that’s the one you committed to a long time ago and that’s how life works.

Original poster

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:50

For added context sorry for the drip feed, I have no contact with Ex-SIL or Ex-PILs at all they are not allowed to contact me, there is a caluse in the CAO about any other arrangement but I didn't even know Ex-SIL was engaged so didn't think to check about a possible clash.

OP posts:

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 09/07/2021 11:50

How close is your DD to her Aunt and Godmother?

Normally I would say family before friends... but sometimes friends are closer than family.

SilentPanic · 09/07/2021 11:51

I dunno, I think that in the long term, and given the circumstances, it might be better for her to be bridesmaid to her auntie. It will cause less drama, and it WILL feel like spite if you're choosing a mate's wedding over a family wedding...

Original poster

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:51

@BarbarianMum

Would your friend mind? I mean, I know she'd like your dd to be her bridesmaid but would she be devastated if she couldn't be? Is it worth putting your dd in the middle of a family upset for?

I voted and now I wish I hadn't. It's a tricky one.

She's been with me through it all so I'm 100% certain if I apologised and offered to cover the cost of DDs dress and meal she'd be fine with it, but I would be gutted. I don't have many photos of DD and I and the photographer had offered to do some if he gets time - minor issue I know.

OP posts:

Original poster

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:52

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

How close is your DD to her Aunt and Godmother?

Normally I would say family before friends... but sometimes friends are closer than family.

She sees her godmother most weeks, calls her Auntie Jane (not real name).

She sees her aunt EOW for 1 night as ExH takes DD to his parents for the weekend. I don't really know how close DD is to her as I never see them together or hear DD mention her.

OP posts:

lovelybitofsquirrell · 09/07/2021 11:53

@Blossomtoes

So bride no 2 just assumed she’d be free? She goes to the first to ask.

Sounds like Aunt did check, father didnt realise it was the same date?

AnUnoriginalUsername · 09/07/2021 11:53

Not your problem if she misses her aunts. You arranged for her to go with you, he agreed, if it meant that much he should have been more organised.

Original poster

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:54

@selflove

Surely if ExH has a court order, and it's his weekend, then she goes to her aunts wedding?

We'd already agreed the swap. I messaged and said "Hi Jane's wedding is on 28th August which I know is your weekend, can we come to an agreement about it so (DD) can go?"

and he replied "Take her and I'll take the weekend back in days over Christmas holidays".

OP posts:

lovelybitofsquirrell · 09/07/2021 11:54

I would say god mothers wedding.

you have agreed, she asked first, closer to DD,

thing47 · 09/07/2021 11:55

Fortunately there's no issue here, she fulfils the first commitment she made (or rather you made, on her behalf). This has the added merit of enabling her to attend the wedding you would prefer her to attend

How close are you to exH's family? You're bridesmaid at one wedding so quite obviously can't facilitate DD's attendance at another miles away but could you suggest exH picks DD up later in the day so she can put in an appearance at her aunt's wedding?

shivawn · 09/07/2021 11:56

You're best friend asked you first so she I'd already committed to that wedding. It would be very bad form to pull her out of the wedding party after saying yes in my opinion.

Original poster

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:58

@thing47

Ex-PILs and Ex-SIL are not allowed to contact me as when ExH and I split they harassed me and then tried to get ExH to use the courts to control me. The judge told them if they ever contacted me again unless it was an emergency then ExH would be prevented from taking DD to their house.

OP posts:

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