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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

272 replies

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:41

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/07/2021 17:28

ExH didn't realise the clash.

and he replied "Take her and I'll take the weekend back in days over Christmas holidays

No brainer. She goes to the one you committed to first. It's up to her Dad to explain to his sister that he doesn't understand how calendars work.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/07/2021 17:39

As ex had already agreed to swap weekend then she’s yours, at your wedding, for that day.
If he hadn’t already agreed, then it’s his weekend, his wedding.

FrozenWillow · 10/07/2021 17:41

Hey

Just adding my two cents.

You already committed to the first wedding that you knew about. Tell ExH what kind of values would he like you to instil in your daughter. That's it's ok to break commitments?

Good luck :)

rantymcrantface66 · 10/07/2021 17:49

She goes with you to her godmothers/your best friends- which ime is who dc are closer to anyway PLUS it was arranged first.

Winecrispschocolatecats · 10/07/2021 17:53

If you can safely and without emotional blackmail from exH my vote would definitely go to the friend & godmother. But only you know how bad the fallout is likely to be, how protected from any fallout your daughter will be, and how resilient you're feeling right now. Very best of luck and I hope your friend's wedding is beautiful whether your daughter is able to attend or not 💖

rantymcrantface66 · 10/07/2021 17:56

Sorry forgot to add do you have written evidence of him agreeing to change the weekend? (Sorry if I've missed this) don't worry about the court order if you do

Tistheseason17 · 10/07/2021 18:24

As much as I'd like go say go to your friend's wedding it is clear there would be too much upset and angst in doing so.
Follow court order so they have no reason to make trouble for you and DD.
Part of me thinks there is no SIL wedding...

TheJade · 10/07/2021 18:55

Your friends wedding x

claralara42 · 10/07/2021 19:00

@Tistheseason17

As much as I'd like go say go to your friend's wedding it is clear there would be too much upset and angst in doing so. Follow court order so they have no reason to make trouble for you and DD. Part of me thinks there is no SIL wedding...
She IS following the order, and don't tell women to do what abusive men and their families want to avoid trouble.
Ohbeeryme · 10/07/2021 19:34

@claralara42 I think worrying about trouble is valid considering it goes against the contact order potentially, and also the fact they have kept her daughter from her before. OP it’s difficult. Could he have her the night before, drop her off during the pics or after the meal, then he can have the night to party and she’ll be with you (or at least this might be the best way to sell it!) then she comes and gets changed into her dress for the dancing or whatever at night. That way she is at both. It’s likely both women are important to her and I guess this would be better for her to not miss out.

Tistheseason17 · 10/07/2021 19:38

@claralara42

Your comments are a bit of a stretch 🙄
Having experienced an abusive relationship I think it is better to avoid confrontation unnecessarily. Being right doesn't mean you always get the best outcome.

MissMaple82 · 10/07/2021 19:39

Big massive YANBU

LauraPearl · 10/07/2021 19:44

You had already arranged to swap weekends with your Ex-H, so there is no question about who asked (and received an acceptance first), he cannot say he assumed she'd be free.

If Ex-H only has her 1 day EOW, your DD probably doesn't spend very much time with her paternal Aunt, and I assume has a closer relationship with her Godmother. This also makes it more appropriate to attend this wedding.

Although it's not actually relevant in making your choice of which wedding - I'm sorry to hear Ex-H was abusive/violent... and I'm pleased you got out, OP.

YANBU, take DD to your best friend's wedding, and I hope you both have a lovely time

ny20005 · 10/07/2021 20:32

Do you think he'll turn up bang on 11.30 ? Wonder if he'd try to make you late for your friends wedding on purpose

Think I'd video the collection time & place showing he's not there for evidence

mussymummy · 10/07/2021 21:26

Your best friend, your daughters God mother asked first so yes you have to both go to this wedding

Djmaggie · 10/07/2021 22:22

She goes to her Aunties wedding as she is family and it is exh weekend to have dd

Dee1975 · 10/07/2021 22:33

You go to the first one you were invited and committed too.

Imnothereforthedrama · 10/07/2021 23:23

The first it’s a no brainer .

peppermintpat · 10/07/2021 23:25

YANBU end of.

Milesbennettdyson · 11/07/2021 08:37

I don’t understand why it’s even an issue. You go to the one you committed to first. You don’t change your mind and let someone down but you get another offer.

MarvellousMonsters · 11/07/2021 09:15

@WeddingWhichOne

For added context sorry for the drip feed, I have no contact with Ex-SIL or Ex-PILs at all they are not allowed to contact me, there is a caluse in the CAO about any other arrangement but I didn't even know Ex-SIL was engaged so didn't think to check about a possible clash.
This is a group of people that your DD clearly has very little contact with, just because they are relatives doesn't give them dibs. Politely decline. Take her with you.

(I have an awkward manipulative Ex, I deliberately do all arrangements via text message so that I can refer back to them if he tries to gaslight and deny knowledge)

Kalvinette · 11/07/2021 09:35

Completely disagree with everyone on here

Friends come and go, even childhood friends. You read it on here all the time. My godmother was my mothers best friend for 30 years...until they fell out three years after I was born. I never saw her again.

This isnt about you, it's about your daughter and her connection to the rest of her family. Love her or hate her, her aunt isnt going anywhere, and in fact seems to love your DD enough to want her as a bridesmaid. The wedding isnt just about your SiL and ex either. Weddings are times when you meet extended family, random cousins, uncles and aunts you never otherwise see. It's an important part of making a child subconsciously aware of being part of something wider.

Add onto all this the fact that its originally your ex's weekend and it sounds like a no brainer to me.

wishiwasbytheseaside · 11/07/2021 09:58

@WeddingWhichOne

Best friends/godmothers wedding is 12.30, I will already be at the hotel we're having the wedding at as she's paid for bridal party to stay the night before. I also have a room booked for the night after so I don't have to faff with taxis/lifts home.

Aunts wedding is at 1pm. So if he got DD from me at 11.30am he'd make it to the venue of Ex-SILs wedding in plenty of time.

I have never changed contact before, never asked for her on his weekend as I've always been so worried. This is a one off, my family would usually organise things on "my" weekend with DD but friends already cancelled the wedding once due to her father dying so I can't expect her to change it again.

He's never had her early either. He;s occasionally late and I take her to supermarket cafe, but he's never had her before 11.30am so this is completely new territory to us.

This seems like a sensible solution. Your friend is being very aware of the situation and potentially losing a little bridesmaid for her day but if the dad is insistent that your DD goes to his sisters wedding, then he sorts the logistics. There are no extra efforts for him involved, his pickup time is the same (slightly different pickup point) so he collects as planned. If he is late or does not turn up then it is his loss. Your poor DD though not knowing where she will be until the last minute. You have tried your best to appease everyone and make the right choice. FWIW I think your DD should go to the first commitment made. If the photographer is booked early, perhaps you can still get a couple of good photos early in the day before your DD is (possibly) picked up?
Marriedatfirstyear · 11/07/2021 10:44

It's her aunt, exh's weekend, sil planned around her being with exh that weekend. Let her attend the wedding and make it exciting for her instead of making out she'll be missing out. Can compare notes about how fun they both were after.
A shame exh behaved the way he did but it doesn't take away from aunt being family. Family comes first. I agree that she should go to the wedding properly and enjoy the whole experience from getting ready, travelling to the venue etc.

claralara42 · 11/07/2021 10:52

A shame exh behaved the way he did but it doesn't take away from aunt being family. Family comes first

Shame you didn't bother to read the thread and see that the exh's family, including the sister, harrassed OP so much the court banned them from contacting her. Fuck family.

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