2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

[WeddingWhichOne]

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

@Ozanj

How far away are the wedding venues? If, for example, your ex waited outside at the godmother’s wedding would he be able to take her after the ceremony and drive her to his sister’s wedding / post wedding festivities even if she isn’t a bridesmaid? While I agree she can only be the bridesmaid at one wedding, I do think she should attend part of her aunt’s wedding even if it’s as a guest.

So she misses out on the fun bits of being a little bridesmaid in both weddings, being in the photos, being namechecked in the speeches, dancing in her bridesmaid dress, everyone telling her how gorgeous she looks and how terrific she was in the ceremony. Not really a fun solution for the poor child is it?

cross-posted.

If she doesn't go to your Ex SIL wedding is that likely to land a load of conflict your way? I do think that some forward thinking on that would help.
Personally if I knew it would cause harassament for me then I would concede and let her do the family wedding.
Sometimes we really do have to pick our battles.

@ZenNudist

Oh it's only an hour apart. That could be doable. Depending on timings.

We;d have to do, DD with me for my friends ceremony while ExH is with his sister as hers starts half an hour after my friends, then he'd have to drive for an hour to get my DD missing his sisters speeches and possible meal to then drive an hour back for the evening do. It's doable but I'm not sure he'd want to miss out on seeing his sisters speeches and everything. He may even be in the wedding party for his sister himself so then we have a bigger headache.

@ZenNudist

What can you do otherwise. Would it really bugger things up if you didn't let her go for "his" weekend? I don't know where you stand legally. It's not like he's going to go to court over one date is he? Especially where he'd agreed the swap already.

So he picks her up from me at 11.30 at a meeting point, he has my address but this was agreed in court to lessen the tension.

There is a clause in the CAO which says "The parties may agree any other contact agreement between them for any or all of the above times and days" there's only 4 days a year where contact cannot be changed - Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas Day and her birthday.

I don’t understand why people are saying it’s a no brainer that she goes to the first wedding she committed to. If he has court ordered contact that weekend it seems like a (very unfortunate) no brainer that she goes where exH wants her. Obviously you could try to appeal to his better nature, but I’d think carefully about whether you want to give that much ammo to a controlling ex.

If everything else was equal i'd say family over friends (and/or godparents)

but your friend invited first and so that's that :)

Do you think XH is going to kick off?

So the choice is between your best friend, who's very close to your dd and has never been abusive to you, and your ex-SIL, who has been abusive and has been ordered never to contact you again? Plus, you're not sure how often she sees your dd or how close they are?

And your friend asked you first, and you're her BM?

Choose your friend! Without a doubt.

I would let her go with your ex on the proviso, he has he the night before and the night after the Wedding.

Then have a proper good old knees up at your friends

You have agreed the date swap with ex-H already, and he's fine with it. If he doesn't stick to the court order, I think you'd be justified in breaking it - with his permission - once.

The one you accepted first. Really rude to pull out.

“His sister planned on that basis”

Of course she didn’t! That was probably the very last consideration she had. But it sounds good as a stick to beat you with.

He has already agreed to the change of weekend, he knows why you asked for the change of contact in the first place , he has messed up, it’s his place to apologise to his sister, not that he will.

@Laiste

If everything else was equal i'd say family over friends (and/or godparents)

but your friend invited first and so that's that :)

Do you think XH is going to kick off?

Not ExH, but his parents. They only live a few miles from me and although can't pick DD up from school due to the way the court orders written they do know her school and could cause issues there (not that I am worried anything will happen, the HT is quietly scary and takes no s**t)

I am still scared of them all. Day to Day I have full control of DD and her life, but when I'm faced with stuff like this I do get worried and don't want to put DD in the middle and cause issues for her.

D'y know what - threads like this makes me appreciate XHs total lack of interest in any of his kids for the last 15 years. It's not right, but they're not bothered at all and it makes life so much simpler for me.

OP and to anyone else struggling to juggle contact.

When does he normally pick her up? I'm guessing if she is at his there is no way he will bring her to your friend's wedding, so you will need to keep her before that.

Well he's already agreed to the swap, so it's unfortunate timing but YANBU. Good luck! This is a VERY difficult one.

Given your relationship with ex SIL, I’d say no, sticking with my previously agree plan. I’m not facilitating contact with people warned not to contact me by a court…

Thing is, if you back out of friends wedding you’ll disappoint her somehow, and she doesn’t deserve it

You “disappoint” the ex SIL, so fucking what? Not like you give a shit about what she thinks about you, she’ll still hate you either way, so why make the effort at all for her? She DOESN’T deserve it.

Tell Ex, sorry, too much has been arranged and spent already on the basis that she was going to aunty Jane’s wedding, ex SIL is no friend of yours and given the past history you’re not inclined either o go to any lengths for her. She’s just not important enough to you to disappoint such a dear friend.

Apparently hers was in the planning stages at the same time and ExH didn't realise the clash. Well that is tough luck for ExH he'll learn to be more organised I future.
It'll be a lovely memory if you're BM with her as flower girl.

Sorry - x posted.

What will they/could they do, do you think, realistically?

Tough luck to XH, you asked, and he agreed to the swap. It's not nice to ditch first invitation accepted in favour of second.

It's not as if you have any relationship with XILS to preserve is it?

Just tell DD that it's polite to do it this way, and tell XH it isn't up for further discussion.

I think everyone is agreeing with you because you are the OP and your ex doesn’t sound particularly nice! But I still think that a family wedding should come first, I’m sorry. It’s not just your exSIL it’s her aunt. I don’t think saying yes to your friend first really
Counts. Your daughter didn’t say yes to ‘Jane’, you did, and you aren’t invited to the aunts wedding, your daughter is. Of course this is your exH fault, he should have said at the time that his sisters wedding Might clash. But this isn’t about who’s to blame.

Surely this is a non-issue.
You and your daughter were asked to be Godmother's bridesmaid and accepted. Have been planning towards this.
Aunt plumps for the same weekend months later. With regret you need to decline.

@MzHz

Given your relationship with ex SIL, I’d say no, sticking with my previously agree plan. I’m not facilitating contact with people warned not to contact me by a court…

Thing is, if you back out of friends wedding you’ll disappoint her somehow, and she doesn’t deserve it

You “disappoint” the ex SIL, so fucking what? Not like you give a shit about what she thinks about you, she’ll still hate you either way, so why make the effort at all for her? She DOESN’T deserve it.

Tell Ex, sorry, too much has been arranged and spent already on the basis that she was going to aunty Jane’s wedding, ex SIL is no friend of yours and given the past history you’re not inclined either o go to any lengths for her. She’s just not important enough to you to disappoint such a dear friend.

No, definitely don't tell ex all of this. That is way too wordy and will just make them dig their heels in further!

The simple fact is he had agreed to swap days. That is all you need to focus on.

@TulipsTwoLips

When does he normally pick her up? I'm guessing if she is at his there is no way he will bring her to your friend's wedding, so you will need to keep her before that.

At 11.30am on his Saturday at a pick-up point (the local supermarket if it matters)

I think the family one, it’s his weekend and he’s now withdrawn his permission to swap weekends so he wins. It’s rubbish though.

YANBU

especially that your ex had known about your bestie's wedding date so he should've told his sister that your DD is not available that day.

100% go to friend's. no doubt