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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

272 replies

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:41

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2021 13:09

X-post, so yes, this is indeed all about fear and control.

Practically, how can you mitigate the risk of them keeping her? Will it work in time? That's what you need to know.

Notonthestairs · 09/07/2021 13:10

Do you have a solicitor- can you ring them and talk about the altering of weekends. I'd want to know that I was on good ground legally particularly if you gave an interim order in place at the moment and will need to go back to court at a later date.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 13:11

@Notonthestairs

Do you have a solicitor- can you ring them and talk about the altering of weekends. I'd want to know that I was on good ground legally particularly if you gave an interim order in place at the moment and will need to go back to court at a later date.
We have a formal CAO in place now, they kept her while we were going through court a few years ago and I had to go back to court and get an emergency updated interim. Sorry for the confusion.
OP posts:
thing47 · 09/07/2021 13:12

Can't believe some people are saying exSIL's wedding takes precedence because it's 'family'! Yeah right a family that's been so abusive to OP that they are now legally not allowed to contact her.

I'd be giving zero fucks what such a 'family' would say or do, they are still trying to exert control over you OP by pressuring you into doing something you don't want to do. Don't give them that power.

BoxHedge · 09/07/2021 13:13

Normally I’d have to say parent’s sister trumps parent’s best friend.

However from what you say, he is not an equal parent, more like 1/14 of a parent, so I’m that case your best friend trumps his sister.

Notonthestairs · 09/07/2021 13:15

That's good. Then I'd go ahead with your friends wedding as agreed. Remind him he'll get more Christmas days.

Branleuse · 09/07/2021 13:16

if your ex wants to take dd to his sisters wedding on his weekend then id let him as at least you wouldnt have to watch her, but if they are relying on you getting dd to that wedding then say no.
Id ask your ex whether he was planning on taking dd, otherwise youd take her to your friends. I certainly wouldnt be going to exes sisters wedding over my best friends

ddl1 · 09/07/2021 13:17

She should go to the one that she's already committed to, her godmother''s.

lanthanum · 09/07/2021 13:20

If they were being planned at the same stage, it's possible that you accepting the invite to godmother's wedding didn't actually precede exH accepting the invite to his sister's wedding (although since exh didn't say anything when you told him, you did get it in first to the "joint" calendar.

It's a very difficult one, and I think there are arguments both ways. Unless her godmother is likely to take huge offence, I think it might work better for future family harmony if she goes to the family one - you might not have contact, but your daughter does, and if they spend the next ten years making digs at her about you not letting her go then it might be hard for her. You can still attend her godmother's, and hopefully her godmother will understand the difficulty.

FAQs · 09/07/2021 13:24

What times are the ceremonies? 40 minutes isn’t too far. But you don’t want to end up with her rushing and missing food etc

PerveenMistry · 09/07/2021 13:25

The first one she committed to.

PerveenMistry · 09/07/2021 13:27

PILs sound batshit so that another reason for DD to go with you.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 13:29

If it helps for legal people. CAO is written as:

(DDs full name) Date Of Birth: () will remain resident with the mother (my full name) until her 18th birthday unless bought before this or any other family court and this order amended

1.a. (DDs first name) shall attend (school name) during all school days unless attending a medical appointment or ill.

(DDs fist name)'s school may be changed at the natural transition point or with agreement of the resident mother and (headteachers name), headteacher of (school name) as long as none resident is kept up to date.

Contact with the none resident father (ExHs full name) will take place as follows:

  1. Term Time
a) b) One night after school for 2 hours - the court suggest this to be Wednesday
  1. School Holidays
a). Every second weekend from 11.30am Saturday until 5.30pm Sunday b) From 9am until 5.30pm on the day None Resident Father usually has contact after school
  1. The above times may be changed or amended at the agreement of both parties without the need to bring this before the court
  1. Contact outside the norm
There will be contact outside the norm for the None Resident Father on the following days and times. The following dates and times take precedence over any other arrangements made between the parties: a) For two hours on the (birthday) every year after school b) From 2pm Christmas Day until 2pm Boxing Day or any other 24 hour period agreed between the parties from Christmas Day until Boxing Day c) Father's Day from 10am until 5.30pm
  1. Due to clause 5c it is fairest that the Mother should have Mother's Day with (DDs name)

Not sure if any help to anyone. Clause 4 in the order is what I think this falls under, we've agreed the contact between us and I will "repay" it

OP posts:
TalkingOutYerArse · 09/07/2021 13:30

Best friends wedding with you.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 13:31

Sprry 2a and 3a are the same I copied and pasted and accidentally deleted

OP posts:
ImaginaryCat · 09/07/2021 13:32

Can you sell it to the Ex that if he takes her to his sister's wedding, he's responsible for picking her up and then staying sober all day because he's got her to look after. Whereas if she comes with you, he's free of all that hassle and can get drunk. So you're basically doing him a favour!

Chocolatehamper · 09/07/2021 13:33

Sorry, I clicked YABU by mistake - first commitment should stand.

If you have no contact with Ex-SIL, how would she arrange dress fittings etc - one day EOW doesn't allow much time when wedding planning!

You say your daughter doesn't talk about her aunt/father's family - does she even know she's been tagged as a bridesmaid?

sashh · 09/07/2021 13:34

How far away are the wedding venues?

Read the original post
She goes to her godmother's wedding.

You have arranged this and your ex agreed.

Don't even think about the other option, that's not your job. If it was important to either ex or his sister they would have checked first or your ex would have remembered the days had been swapped, he just couldn't be bothered.

If his sister wants dd then that is your ex's job to arrange.

ejhhhhh · 09/07/2021 13:34

This is an easy one, she'd accepted your best friend's invitation first, therefore that's the wedding she goes to. It was all agreed with Ex before Ex-SIL announced her wedding, so nothing more to say, you just stick to the original agreement.

diddl · 09/07/2021 13:38

@lottiegarbanzo

If having her as a bridesmaid was such a big deal to your SIL, she'd have checked your dd's availability and planned accordingly. It plainly is not such a big deal to her.
Perhaps that could also be said about her Godmother though?

Best to arrange it on a weekend when her Goddaughter is not with her Dad?

timeisnotaline · 09/07/2021 13:39

I think best friend's wedding with you. He agreed it, it’s in writing, subtly remind him that the written agreement can be shown court if it comes to that.

TurquoiseDragon · 09/07/2021 13:41

@WeddingWhichOne

In terms of what they could do. It's not me I'm worried about it's DD. They could keep her for the time from the weekend they have her - they have threatened this before and even said it in court, it's one of the reasons Ex-ILs aren't allowed to contact me - ExH had to have supervised contact by a Social Worker for the first 3 months of court to stop him taking her.

With no school to help (e.g. ask him to go into school with her or keep an eye on her while I go to court) I'd be worrying about her - they've kept her before and police did a safe and well check but couldn't tell me where she was because ExH has PR. I was terrified about what was happening last time. I did get her back eventually but had to go to court for an emergency order - we were still on interim orders at the time, so they may not try it again but you never know.

I think I'm going to ring my friend tonight and ask her what she thinks.

I am not putting my DD in the middle of this. I don't think I'll lose my friend over it, she's been by my side through the family courts and the divorce and knows exactly what he's like.

(DDs full name) Date Of Birth: () will remain resident with the mother (my full name) until her 18th birthday unless bought before this or any other family court and this order amended

Now that you have a CAO, doesn't this bit mean your Ex cannot now keep her and not let her come home?

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 13:42

@TurquoiseDragon I don't know thats why I posted it in case anyone legal knows if she can be returned to me?

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 09/07/2021 13:45

Peerhaps a check with the solicitor you used for the CAO mght help.

newnortherner111 · 09/07/2021 13:47

I think godmother, not just because of being asked first. Perhaps my view is influenced by my having a relationship with my godmother to this day, who has been a wonderful person to know and a great friend to my mum in good and bad times.

I'll leave others to discuss any access/legal implications.