Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

272 replies

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:41

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

OP posts:
FreakinFrankNFurter · 09/07/2021 13:47

I’m leaning towards YABU as:
it’s a family wedding which I feel trumps a friend’s
it’s his weekend
it’s still almost 2 months away so not like a last minute change, so I feel he is entitled to withdraw his agreement to letting you have her on his weekend, as there is good reason rather than him just being a knob
It’s unlikely your friend will have spent much yet, possibly an off the peg which could be returned for a refund

Alternatively I would speak to your daughter and ask her what she wants to do. She’s 7 - if she’s anything like my 7 year old she will have a strong opinion on this bloody everything

WhySoSensitive · 09/07/2021 13:48

Doesn’t matter who’s wedding it is - she goes to the one she committed to first. So your friends.

Waitrosedisaster · 09/07/2021 13:49

Hmmm I'd be inclined to say she goes to the Aunts wedding. It is your Ex husband's weekend theoretically and it seems it is he who hasn't told you about the dates as there's already a dress bought for your daughter? How would you feel if it was your weekend and you were taking your daughter somewhere and your ex just didn't hand her over and went somewhere else for the day?

Your issues with you ex and the fact YOU don't see your SIL has absolutely nothing to do with your daughter. It seems like you're trying to get one over to be honest

drumandthebass · 09/07/2021 13:53

Absolutely her godmother's wedding

Waitrosedisaster · 09/07/2021 13:57

Some of the OPs post seem a bit, well strange.

I work in the justice system and I've never, ever heard of a judge telling family members if they weren't nice to the mother of the child, they won't be allowed to see the child. Ever.

In addition, why would social services step in to prevent the father of the child from keeping the daughter? That is a civil matter. Would social services step in if you decided to keep your daughter instead of sending her to her father on the court ordered weekend? Which is what you're wanting to do?

Jent13c · 09/07/2021 13:57

Ahhh tricky one. I think out of fear that he would keep her i would probably try and seek a bit of legal guidance. I know a family where the ex took the kids to Ireland for a week in summer holidays with his family. Mum was stressed out and needed childcare so agreed then he just decided to keep them. It took 3 months to get them back by which time the MIL and SIL had been badmouthing the mother and the eldest 3 refused to come home. Its been a year and she has 2 out of 4 back.

If it were me I would say that DD has committed to being in the ceremony. Say its at 1pm then he can pick her up from 2pm she would be at the next venue from 3pm and be there for meals and speeches and dancing (if we are allowed!). Then its his families night with her and he can in no way say you are against the court order. Its not ideal and poor DD is getting the worst of it but realistically weddings have so much time standing about for photos. Plus you can have a few drinks with your friends and be there for the bride knowing that your little girl is safe.

floatingboater · 09/07/2021 14:00

Your friend's wedding definitely takes priority.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 14:02

@Waitrosedisaster

Some of the OPs post seem a bit, well strange.

I work in the justice system and I've never, ever heard of a judge telling family members if they weren't nice to the mother of the child, they won't be allowed to see the child. Ever.

In addition, why would social services step in to prevent the father of the child from keeping the daughter? That is a civil matter. Would social services step in if you decided to keep your daughter instead of sending her to her father on the court ordered weekend? Which is what you're wanting to do?

We had SS involvement anyway before we split up, I didn't include that as it wasn't relevant.
OP posts:
IDontReadEyebrows · 09/07/2021 14:03

Your daughter has already committed to the first wedding so that’s the one she should go to. I do understand the dilemma though as the other wedding is a close family member of your daughter’s but if her aunt wanted her there that badly and to be a bridesmaid she should have checked she was available that day. Or maybe she did check with her brother and he got it wrong but that’s his fault/problem.

LemonadePockets · 09/07/2021 14:06

What’s your EXH saying?

PigletJohn · 09/07/2021 14:06

If you are invited by H.M. the Queen, a "prior engagement" is not considered an adequate excuse for refusal.

however, I think that your ex-SIL is not the Queen.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/07/2021 14:07

Ugh, what a mess for you - I would also say Godmother's wedding, as I think it would be better all round for her, plus she'll have to rely on her father's family for everything at SIL's wedding, which could cause issues at some point.

Is your exH a big drinker? what about the ILs in general? Who is going to look after your DD when the "party" kicks off at SIL's wedding? Obviously not you, as you won't be there - so do they have someone who will? She can't just be ignored.

On the other hand, your ex could retract his agreement, and since that IS his weekend, you'd be a bit stuck if he did - I know you still actually have to hand her over, but it could create problems.

I think you need to have a discussion with your ex about how it will be handled with your DD and who will be making sure she's ok with all her family potentially getting drunk... it might suddenly become all too difficult for him if he realises she could curtail his own enjoyment of the wedding, and he might just let you take DD to her godmother's wedding instead.

notlikethisreally · 09/07/2021 14:10

I voted go to your friend's wedding, but having read the updates I think I would let your daughter go the the Aunts, just to avoid all the fallout.

If your ex is no longer agreeing to swap the dates, and given their previous toxic behaviour, I just don't think it is worth it. It could cause a whole lot of shit, legally and relationally. This is not a battle worth fighting (or a fight worth starting).

It doesn't matter how many times you say, ' but you agreed to!' , he's not agreeing now, it is his custody day, their wedding was arranged around this and they will feel that they are legitimate in being aggrieved And you have already seen how they behave when they feel aggrieved. Let this one go.

ElderMillennial · 09/07/2021 14:12

I would ordinarily say she goes to the one she agreed to first but I don't understand why it is exH weekend as even if there was just the first wedding then surely she would be going with you?

I'm tired so sorry if I've missed something

me4real · 09/07/2021 14:12

YANBU, as going to the friend's wedding had already been agreed to/ you'd already told them about it.

Templetreebloom · 09/07/2021 14:17

@Eddielzzard

Well he's already agreed to the swap, so it's unfortunate timing but YANBU. Good luck! This is a VERY difficult one.
I would say its quite easy. Hes agreed already and hasnt even suggested OP changes the plan. He said "Oh" I would just proceed as agreed.
igelkott2021 · 09/07/2021 14:17

I don't think there's a legal issue here, it's obvious that sometimes weekends have to be changed and mature adults realise that.

The issue is that his family would make problems for your dd, whereas your friend won't. While I don't think he who shouts loudest should win, I can see why letting your dd go her aunt's wedding would be the easier option. It's sad for your friend (but you will still be there) . And of course as it's your ex's cock-up, he can refrain from drink and bring your dd over to you after the wedding ceremony. He can easily get back for the evening.

Fundays12 · 09/07/2021 14:18

She goes to the wedding that was agreed first. The fall out isn't your issue.

igelkott2021 · 09/07/2021 14:18

Although if he's not kicked up yet, are you anticipating problems that aren't there?

I realise with the history you probably aren't!

GoWalkabout · 09/07/2021 14:22

I think aunts just to be pragmatic.

Figgygal · 09/07/2021 14:26

Which one does your daughter want to go to?
Honestly stuff your ex and his whole family I would feel no guilt about attending your best friends with your dd

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 14:26

@igelkott2021

Although if he's not kicked up yet, are you anticipating problems that aren't there?

I realise with the history you probably aren't!

He has said "I don't want her to go to Jane's wedding anymore" but nothing more yet.
OP posts:
selflove · 09/07/2021 14:27

Clause 4 wouldn't cover this. You no longer have the agreement of both parties.

The fact he agreed previously is irrelevant, now things have changed and he no longer agrees. Legally, she should be with her dad that weekend. And a court would definitely agree that her fathers weekend AND family wedding with all her fathers family would trump her mother's friend, particularly as it is his weekend anyway. Throughout her life she will spend lots of time with you, and your friend. This is one opportunity for her to be with all her dads family together.

But if he's only said "oh" and doesn't push it further, carry on as you are. If he pushes back, you'd have to relent and let it go.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 14:27

I've text my friend to tell her I want to call her and chat tonight, she's replied "It's about the wedding isn't it?" she's not on here so don't think she's seen this yet. Will update when I've spoken to her.

OP posts:
Challengerice · 09/07/2021 14:32

I’ve never come across language like this Due to clause 5c it is fairest that the Mother should have Mother's Day with (DDs name)
In a legal document before!