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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

272 replies

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:41

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

OP posts:
Zari29 · 09/07/2021 12:35

What a dilemma op! So did he confirm that she can't go? He will probably use that it's His weekend. Sad. What are you going to do? I agree she needs to go with you, but he and his family sound like they will pull rank over this.

ShowMeHow · 09/07/2021 12:35

ex SIL assumed you’d follow the planned contact dates and arranged for that though which isn’t really unreasonable.

Ex will need to decide as his error really more than yours.

the only option you have is to tell him to let you know ASAP what he wants to do

Notaroadrunner · 09/07/2021 12:40

@Clymene

Your husband has agreed to the weekend swap. You have committed to Jane's wedding.

Your exSIL is a toxic arsehole who isn't allowed to contact you.

No brainer really isn't it?

Exactly. There's no way I'd facilitate the ex SIL. Your ex knew the date of your friend's wedding so he can fuck off and explain to his asshole family why dd won't be coming to SIL wedding. One text to say dd is not available that weekend as already agreed, and then do not respond to any further messages about it.
roguetomato · 09/07/2021 12:40

It's tricky, but I think I would choose Aunt. You are not related, but your dd is.

Rainbowsew · 09/07/2021 12:41

I was going to say whoever asked first before reading your op, given what you've said about ex's violence and flakiness over dates then definitely godmother's over aunt.

TheABC · 09/07/2021 12:42

Godmother.

It's ex-DH's problem; not yours.

frazzledasarock · 09/07/2021 12:44

The godmothers one. It was agreed by your ex the father.

If he was at all interested in his child's wellbeing he would have put it in his diary and told his sister.

You have the agreed change in writing, and you know your DD would prefer being with you.

So if you feel you can have a good time and ignore your ex I'd go ahead with taking your DD to your.

I'd balance this by considering any fall out which may result in you digging your heels in and sticking to the arranged change.
Equally would they think you a pushover for the future if you give in and take this as indication that your ex can withdraw any agreed changes to contact at the last minute.

If I were in the position I would stick to my guns. Your ex should have told his sister his DD would not be available on that date when she was making plans.

RowanAlong · 09/07/2021 12:48

Take her with you to best friends’ - you promised first.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2021 12:48

I'd just reply

"Ex, we had already agreed that we would swap that weekend. I am sorry to hear that SIL planned the wedding based on dd being with you, but I am not able to change that now. It's a shame you weren't able to factor our pre agreed swap into any planning with SIL. Have a lovely time at the wedding, I'll send you a pic of DD in her bridesmaids dress after Jane's wedding"

claralara42 · 09/07/2021 12:48

Surely if ExH has a court order, and it's his weekend, then she goes to her aunts wedding?

No, as the swap was arranged already.

I wouldn't even be thinking about this. She is commited to wedding 1 for the godmother, it's all organised and the swap done. It's too late to consider anyother wedding.

FunMcCool · 09/07/2021 12:50

Ask your daughter what she wants to do and respect her decision. If it was me I’d send to a family wedding.

Ivyr0se · 09/07/2021 12:51

I think it has to be family first. Sorry

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2021 12:52

This is a no-brainer. She goes to her godmother's wedding. That was arranged first, accepted first and you'd rearranged to have her that weekend so she could go. Done deal.

The only confusing part is you saying 'she is a bridesmaid at both weddings', as she plainly isn't.

godmum56 · 09/07/2021 12:54

whoever booked you both first. No question.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2021 12:54

If having her as a bridesmaid was such a big deal to your SIL, she'd have checked your dd's availability and planned accordingly. It plainly is not such a big deal to her.

Sally872 · 09/07/2021 12:55

I think she should go to godmothers wedding because she is closer to godmother, it was organised first and you suspect that is the one she would prefer.

However I can understand that if you feel intimidated by family, dd would be happy at Aunts wedding and godmother will be understanding then it may be better to send her there for a quiet life.

It is giving into their bad behaviour and it isn't fair, but if taking her to godmothers wedding will cause months of worry for you then avoiding that is ok too.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 12:55

In terms of what they could do. It's not me I'm worried about it's DD. They could keep her for the time from the weekend they have her - they have threatened this before and even said it in court, it's one of the reasons Ex-ILs aren't allowed to contact me - ExH had to have supervised contact by a Social Worker for the first 3 months of court to stop him taking her.

With no school to help (e.g. ask him to go into school with her or keep an eye on her while I go to court) I'd be worrying about her - they've kept her before and police did a safe and well check but couldn't tell me where she was because ExH has PR. I was terrified about what was happening last time. I did get her back eventually but had to go to court for an emergency order - we were still on interim orders at the time, so they may not try it again but you never know.

I think I'm going to ring my friend tonight and ask her what she thinks.

I am not putting my DD in the middle of this. I don't think I'll lose my friend over it, she's been by my side through the family courts and the divorce and knows exactly what he's like.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2021 12:56

Even this family? Who are so horrific they arent allowed anywhere near OP?

EmeraldShamrock · 09/07/2021 12:57

Ask your daughter what she wants to do and respect her decision.
I think that's the best. Let her decide very gently and smile at her choices.
Give her 2 cards and let her choose.

Horst · 09/07/2021 12:59

Surely his agreed to the change of dates you have that as written evidence.

If he is known for trying to control you via dd surely him now trying to change his mind would actually look bad if it got taken back to court?

Again he has form for not giving her back, another tick in the dick head box against him. You have an order against his family and this date out of all the dates is the one the family member picked that’s not legally allowed to contact you….

tallduckandhandsome · 09/07/2021 13:02

OP, you need to take control here. All DD will learn is that you have to mollify abuse people if you keep on like this.

Tell ex that you are taking dd to her Godmother's wedding as agreed. Do not give a shit about what his parents say.

Esmereldapawpatrol · 09/07/2021 13:02

She goes with you to your best friends wedding. That was arranged first, end of conversation.

I have just been bridesmaid with my 6 year old DD for my sister, we had a lovely day together and she was so excited, it will be something she remembers doing with Mummy, a lovely happy memory!

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2021 13:02

Honestly, I think you even questioning yourself over this is a symptom of his continuing control and your fear.

If none of that existed and all relationships were good, your SIL would have checked dates and either arranged for a date your dd could make, or accepted the clash and chosen another bridesmaid.

As it is, she did check dates, with her brother, the only link between her and his dd and clearly a weak link. He's let her down. Their problem.

REP22 · 09/07/2021 13:07

I definitely think that your DD should go to your friend's/her Godmother's wedding. It was the one agreed on first, a swap was arranged and there sounds like an endless heap of drama with the exSiL (and adding wedding emotions plus alcohol is unlikely to reduce any issues). Your DD doesn't need that. It definitely sounds like the already-agreed and planned friend's wedding is the best option.

I hope your DD has a lovely day. Best wishes to you. x

PurBal · 09/07/2021 13:07

@MoiraNotRuby

She goes to her godmothers wedding which she had already committed to.

Sorry auntie but thats how calendars work.

This