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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

272 replies

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:41

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

OP posts:
Marriedatfirstyear · 11/07/2021 11:21

@claralara42

A shame exh behaved the way he did but it doesn't take away from aunt being family. Family comes first

Shame you didn't bother to read the thread and see that the exh's family, including the sister, harrassed OP so much the court banned them from contacting her. Fuck family.

I did bother actually. They were banned from contacting OP, not from seeing the child.
claralara42 · 11/07/2021 11:24

Yes, that's the point. They were so awful they were banned from contacting OP, as I said. But you still think they are more important...wtf is up with that? Family first even when that family are fucking awful? Screw that shit.

ddl1 · 11/07/2021 12:03

Friends come and go, even childhood friends.

Sometimes they do; so sometimes do family members. My grandmother and her sister didn't speak to each other for decades, On the other hand, I have people whom I call my cousins, and are like family to me, even though they aren't blood relatives, because our families have been friends for 2 and in one case 3 generations.

Zari29 · 11/07/2021 12:57

I did bother actually. They were banned from contacting OP, not from seeing the child.

And what planet are you on that you think it's acceptable to treat OP like this and then think they have rights to her child? It's this sort of mentality that keeps people in toxic situations under the family first rubbish. A court has ordered them to keep away, yet you think that's fine. Hmm

a1poshpaws · 11/07/2021 13:05

She goes to your friend/her Godmother's wedding, unless doing so would make you liable for court action re the ExH's access meant to be this weekend. Your friend asked first and your Ex agreed she could go.

rainbowstardrops · 11/07/2021 13:26

I don't know the legal side of things but I'm guessing your ex can claim back 'his' weekend even though he said it was fine originally. It's shit though. Especially as your DD is closer to her godmother than her auntie.
I definitely wouldn't let her into his care before the stipulated time though, that's for sure!
At least she can be a part of her godmother's special day for a few hours this way.

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 13/07/2021 17:10

Sorry if this has already been answered, is there a penal order attached to the Court Order? I specifically asked for one as my ExH took my children and refused to bring them back, and I had to have an emergency hearing too, like you. Did you get it in writing ie text or email that he was happy for you to take your daughter to your friends/ your DDs godmothers wedding? If so, a court wouldn't grant a hearing on those grounds alone, only if you kept doing it Flowers

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 13/07/2021 17:10

A penal order would force the police into bringing your DD back this time, regardless of PR

Lunar2020 · 15/07/2021 03:26

She’s 7, albeit young she has a voice. Has anyone asked her what she’d like to do?

Erwhatno · 25/07/2021 23:50

When’s the wedding @WeddingWhichOne

SunonmyFace · 23/09/2021 03:26

How did it go @WeddingWhichOne?

Kinsters · 23/09/2021 06:34

If it were me I'd agree to compromise to keep the peace. So have DD be bridesmaid at her godmothers wedding and enjoy a bit of the post ceremony reception/be in pictures. Then you excuse yourself for an hour to drive to a halfway point and drop her off with exH so she can have dinner and the evening reception with her aunt. That way you get to see your DD be bridesmaid, get some nice pictures and get to have a fun evening with your friend plus you come off looking very compromising and reasonable.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/09/2021 07:36

@WeddingWhichOne

In terms of what they could do. It's not me I'm worried about it's DD. They could keep her for the time from the weekend they have her - they have threatened this before and even said it in court, it's one of the reasons Ex-ILs aren't allowed to contact me - ExH had to have supervised contact by a Social Worker for the first 3 months of court to stop him taking her.

With no school to help (e.g. ask him to go into school with her or keep an eye on her while I go to court) I'd be worrying about her - they've kept her before and police did a safe and well check but couldn't tell me where she was because ExH has PR. I was terrified about what was happening last time. I did get her back eventually but had to go to court for an emergency order - we were still on interim orders at the time, so they may not try it again but you never know.

I think I'm going to ring my friend tonight and ask her what she thinks.

I am not putting my DD in the middle of this. I don't think I'll lose my friend over it, she's been by my side through the family courts and the divorce and knows exactly what he's like.

Usually I'd say prioritise family...

But in this family's case... Given their behaviour and court order...absolutely godmother!

Justbecauseofit · 23/09/2021 10:31

The first one. I would be saying the opposite if he got there first with her aunts, but he didn’t.

iloverunningslow · 23/09/2021 10:58

I think I would let him take her to his sister's wedding, apologise profusely to my friend and offer to pay her wasted expenses.
These people are dicks but they're your daughter's family and she's got to live with them afterwards.
I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation for you to be in x

ncmcr · 23/09/2021 11:22

What happened?

AntiSocialDistancer · 23/09/2021 11:24

I think she should go to her Aunties wedding. Your best friend is more likely to be sympathetic to the predicament.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 23/09/2021 11:35

What does your friend say OP? The obvious thing is ex to take DD to his sister’s wedding while you go to friend’s apologising to her about DD not being there.

snanagram · 23/09/2021 11:48

Third line of the OP:

Two weddings end of August

godmum56 · 23/09/2021 12:20

zomboid

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/09/2021 16:52

Annoying when op doesn’t come back to update

So @WeddingWhichOne. Did dd go to

caketiger · 23/09/2021 16:53

Yanbu.

Godmums all the way!

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