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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 weddings the same day, which does DD go to?

272 replies

WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 11:41

I never thought I’d be in this position.

Got a DD aged 7.

Two weddings end of August, she’s bridesmaid at both weddings.

1 is my best friend who is also DDs godmother, the other is Ex-SILs (ExHs Sister).

She cannot do both as they’re at different venues at opposite sides of our very large county.

For context: My best friend asked us first, during the first lockdown and I am also her bridesmaid so I won’t be able to get DD to the other wedding.

ExH has DD EOW and it is technically his weekend but we’d already agreed the swap before he told me about his sisters wedding.

So which wedding does DD attend? Her godmothers/mums best friend, or her aunts/Ex-SILs?

For even more context in case it’s relevant split with ExH due to his violence and control, there is a CAO but he never sticks to it and only has her for 1 night EOW.

I am very tempted to say that as I’ve rearranged everything DD comes with me to my best friends wedding but I am worried about fall out from ExH and his family if she’s not at her aunts wedding.

Vote:
YANBU - She comes with me to best friends
YABU - She goes with ExH to her aunts

OP posts:
TiredButDancing · 09/07/2021 11:59

Oh my god, what annoys me about this the most is that you are divorced from this man and his family and you are still expected to handle the mental load and do all the contortions required because he couldn't be bothered to keep on track of basic arrangements.

Personally, I agree with pp - she goes to the original engagement that she committed to and you collectively made arrangements for. If you want to facilitate things with his family, I guess you could bend over backwards to adapt for his incomptenance but really, I wouldn't. It would be different if you had good relationships with them all, mutually respectful etc. But not the case here.

ArrrMeHearties · 09/07/2021 12:00

Go to her godmothers wedding and even if it wasn't her godmother it's the first wedding you rsvp'd to so that's the one you go to

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/07/2021 12:02

Who asked you first? Surely you don't sack off whoever you've committed to already? Bloody rude to accept another one later!

Clymene · 09/07/2021 12:02

Your husband has agreed to the weekend swap. You have committed to Jane's wedding.

Your exSIL is a toxic arsehole who isn't allowed to contact you.

No brainer really isn't it?

Ozanj · 09/07/2021 12:02

How far away are the wedding venues? If, for example, your ex waited outside at the godmother’s wedding would he be able to take her after the ceremony and drive her to his sister’s wedding / post wedding festivities even if she isn’t a bridesmaid? While I agree she can only be the bridesmaid at one wedding, I do think she should attend part of her aunt’s wedding even if it’s as a guest.

Tulips15 · 09/07/2021 12:03

I'd 100% go to your friends wedding with your daughter.
You accepted that first, stick to it.
Tough luck to SIL and EXH...they should've checked with you

FreeBritnee · 09/07/2021 12:04

I would be prepared for him to renege on his agreement with you and as it’s his sisters wedding, plus his weekend, take his daughter too that event instead.

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2021 12:05

@Ozanj

How far away are the wedding venues? If, for example, your ex waited outside at the godmother’s wedding would he be able to take her after the ceremony and drive her to his sister’s wedding / post wedding festivities even if she isn’t a bridesmaid? While I agree she can only be the bridesmaid at one wedding, I do think she should attend part of her aunt’s wedding even if it’s as a guest.
Worst of all worlds. She’s carted around like a parcel and gets to enjoy neither wedding.
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2021 12:05

Godmother’s wedding trumps this as booked and agreed. His sister will have to lump it or change the date.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/07/2021 12:07

How has EXP suggested it's dealt with?
It's presumably his cock-up, although I can see how it would easily happen. Is he doing his best to come up with ways to make DD going to aunt's wedding easier? Eg he has her for the nights before and after so that you are not having to deal getting her ready for a different wedding and then rushing back back early? Has he offered to cover the wasted expenses if she doesn't go to friend's wedding? Is he being nice about it?
If he was doing all the above, I'd say send her to aunt's wedding- aunt is family and your name will be mud forever if she doesn't go. However you did say that SiL and MiL are not allowed to contact you, which suggests there is a history of harassment, and this might affect how you deal with it.

RuthW · 09/07/2021 12:07

The one you accepted first

TeenMinusTests · 09/07/2021 12:09

She goes to wedding with you.
Your DH agreed to the swap and the reason for it.
It's unfortunate, but that's how it goes.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 12:09

@Ozanj

How far away are the wedding venues? If, for example, your ex waited outside at the godmother’s wedding would he be able to take her after the ceremony and drive her to his sister’s wedding / post wedding festivities even if she isn’t a bridesmaid? While I agree she can only be the bridesmaid at one wedding, I do think she should attend part of her aunt’s wedding even if it’s as a guest.
40 miles apart, about an hour or so apart depending on traffic.
OP posts:
Santanomore · 09/07/2021 12:09

Seeing as it's your ex's mistake, it's his problem to deal with surely?

You're taking her to your friend's wedding.

Merrz · 09/07/2021 12:10

YANBU if you'd already committed to a wedding where she's bridesmaid that day unfortunately it's just tough luck, especially if your exH and family were already aware of that wedding. it is not at all your fault they land on the same weekend

Walkerbean16 · 09/07/2021 12:10

I pressed the wrong voting button. I said aunts but meant godmothers.

does she have a preference?

Ozanj · 09/07/2021 12:12

Non-Issue then. She goes to both weddings. DS has been double and triple booked this year for many dates as pageboy (half Hindu and there are only a few ‘lucky’ dates so everyone I know is marrying on the same dates). Any weddings that are commutable, which this one is, we make the effort for him to attend all even if he can’t do one as a pageboy.

ZenNudist · 09/07/2021 12:12

Surely if ExH has a court order, and it's his weekend, then she goes to her aunts wedding?

^this unfortunately.

If he's a spiteful dishonourable man then he can leave the bride in the lurch and out of pocket for a bm dress. You could pay bride back but I'm not sure it's strictly required as you are being shat upon. You can't do much about it.

You can try putting your foot down but I'm not sure it's worth letting him upset you.

Does DD get a say or is that too emotive? Will she enjoy both weddings equally?

I'd say the family wedding is more important so you just have the benefit of being first, that's all.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 12:13

@DelphiniumBlue

How has EXP suggested it's dealt with? It's presumably his cock-up, although I can see how it would easily happen. Is he doing his best to come up with ways to make DD going to aunt's wedding easier? Eg he has her for the nights before and after so that you are not having to deal getting her ready for a different wedding and then rushing back back early? Has he offered to cover the wasted expenses if she doesn't go to friend's wedding? Is he being nice about it? If he was doing all the above, I'd say send her to aunt's wedding- aunt is family and your name will be mud forever if she doesn't go. However you did say that SiL and MiL are not allowed to contact you, which suggests there is a history of harassment, and this might affect how you deal with it.
How has EXP suggested it's dealt with?

He hasn't, he just said "Oh" when I told him about Jane's wedding

Is he doing his best to come up with ways to make DD going to aunt's wedding easier? he has her for the nights before and after so that you are not having to deal getting her ready for a different wedding and then rushing back back early?

No he;s not suggested anything. Doubt he'd have her more than 1 night anyway although I'd be happy for him to have her the night before and drop her off with me at my friends wedding reception.

Has he offered to cover the wasted expenses if she doesn't go to friend's wedding?

I doubt he'd pay it, I can barely get maintenance out of him

Is he being nice about it?

He just said "Oh" then said he didn't want her going to Jane's wedding now as it's his weekend so his sister planned on that basis.

OP posts:
BillyShears · 09/07/2021 12:13

This is so hard. On the one hand, your ex SIL is her aunt and do you want to put your small child put in the middle of a huge row (if there’s likely to be one?) On the other hand your ex-H sounds like he’s dropped the ball on this and that’s not your problem, plus your ex SIL sounds horrible- or her relationship with your is- so why should you facilitate her wedding to the detriment of your best friend and someone your D sounds close to.

I honestly don’t know the answer.

ZenNudist · 09/07/2021 12:13

Oh it's only an hour apart. That could be doable. Depending on timings.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 12:14

@Walkerbean16

I pressed the wrong voting button. I said aunts but meant godmothers.

does she have a preference?

I'd rather not ask her to choose, she'd feel caught between us. She already hates that ExH and I aren't together.
OP posts:
queenrollo · 09/07/2021 12:15

What do you think your DD would rather do? At 7 I do think she's old enough to have a say in this.

Original poster
WeddingWhichOne · 09/07/2021 12:16

@queenrollo

What do you think your DD would rather do? At 7 I do think she's old enough to have a say in this.
If I'm being honest she'd want to come with me to my friends but she'd probably choose to go with ExHs to her aunts to please him.
OP posts:
ZenNudist · 09/07/2021 12:16

What can you do otherwise. Would it really bugger things up if you didn't let her go for "his" weekend? I don't know where you stand legally. It's not like he's going to go to court over one date is he? Especially where he'd agreed the swap already.