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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off DH went straight to celebrate with friends after the match?

313 replies

iamtherealelsa · 07/07/2021 23:29

Regular poster but name changed for this one...
So DH has always been pretty into football. He's not massively bothered about following the usual league stuff but gets hugely excited for big tournaments. Tonight was a really big deal for him. We have watched a couple of the games of this tournament together so far, and a couple he has watched with a small group of friends who also happen to be neighbours, always at one particular neighbour's house.
I've never been that into it but have always watched the big games and tournaments and always always watched England. He knows this - we've been together for 17 years.
I said after we knew England had made it to the semis that I definitely wanted to watch it. We have two young DC and no babysitters at the moment (DM is our usual babysitter but she has a recently diagnosed spinal issue...whole other thread).
There was lots of umming and ahhing the last week about where he would be watching this one and I made it clear that I wanted to watch it and ideally didn't want to watch it alone! He said he would stay in but seemed a bit reluctant and to be honest I felt like he really didn't want to. I think he was only really doing it to make up for the fact that he went to the cinema this afternoon while I looked after both DC and DM's dog and he just didn't feel he was entitled to go out again today.
Anyway, he stayed in, we watched it together but as soon as the football finished he announced he was going for a 'celebratory beer' at his friend's house and was basically out the door before I knew what had happened. I'm really pissed off and think it was a bit shitty to just leave me to clear up, turn everything off and go to bed on my own while he went out to celebrate with the people he clearly wished he'd been with this whole time! I just feel a bit rejected and uninvolved which is possibly really pathetic.
AIBU to think he should have stayed to have that celebratory drink with me?

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 00:09

@Chloemol

I see yet again lots haven’t read the post

Op wanted to watch the match with someone, why should he go out and she be left on her own?

Personally uni would now be locking up and going to bed, making sure the door is locked a s he can’t get in

Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't she invite a friend to watch with her?

Our spouses are not responsible for meeting 100 percent of our social and emotional needs. That's one hell of a burden to place on anyone.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2021 00:12

@Hannsmum and the fun lies with watching it with her DH for the OP. Why does his wishes trump hers?

I find it really sad that so many women think that men can do whatever they want when it comes to football even if the women in the house like it too

Original poster
Iamtherealelsa · 08/07/2021 00:12

I think this thread has made me realise that the reason I'm pissed off is because it's a default parent thing and a feminism thing.

I feel like I am totally the default parent - he wants to go out, therefore I stay in. It's just assumed. It's also assumed that because I'm a woman I should 'let' him go because it's football and he's a man so obviously he likes it more and it means more to him.

On another note altogether, I think if you watch a match with someone (anyone) it's a bit rude to up and leave without any post match discussion!

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/07/2021 00:14

@GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine

Isn't watching it together, then him celebrating with his mates afterwards a good compromise? Best of both worlds
Exactly what I thought, @GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 08/07/2021 00:17

A bit of a shame he didn't ask if you wanted to join him for a drink

It's absolutely fine for people to have drinks with their mates without their OH's being there. I would never ever have asked my H to join me and my mates for a drink, what a way to ruin the dynamic

TedMullins · 08/07/2021 00:18

I’m all for doing things without your partner but does he always bugger off and leave you with the kids?

tallduckandhandsome · 08/07/2021 00:23

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop but OP is left with no one to celebrate with.

Lalliella · 08/07/2021 00:25

You sound a bit controlling. You should’ve let him watch the match with his mates, they sound a lot more into it than you. You definitely shouldn’t have a problem with him drinking with them afterwards. He sounds like a really good bloke to put your wishes first. Don’t push it.

NoSquirrels · 08/07/2021 00:30

I feel like I am totally the default parent - he wants to go out, therefore I stay in. It's just assumed. It's also assumed that because I'm a woman I should 'let' him go because it's football and he's a man so obviously he likes it more and it means more to him.

Yes, Faur enough. You should raise that with him tomorrow.

The other thing you could do in these scenarios is offer to be the house that hosts?

It is more fun watching as a group - it just is. And if there’s a small group of mates who are neighbours watching, if you’d been open to hosting before now in the tournament you could have been part of the fun, IYSWIM.

Chalk it up to experience, sort out a plan for Sunday evening, think about next year’s World Cup and offering to host, and point out to him it was pretty rude to fuck off both to the cinema in the afternoon and to his mates later on.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 08/07/2021 00:33

@tallduckandhandsome but by her own admission she's not even bothered about football.

I still wouldn't have taken my H out with my friends even if it meant he was on his own. It's ok just to be with friends. If a man was upset a woman didn't invite him out with her mates he'd be called all sorts.

MsHedgehog · 08/07/2021 00:33

So your husband chose you over his friends to watch the game with, even though I suspect he would much rather be with them, and you’re annoyed he went for a celebratory drink with them after?

Yes, YABU!

Slimmingstar · 08/07/2021 00:35

You can’t force someone to want to spend time with you.

LumpyandBumps · 08/07/2021 00:35

I don’t think YABU.
Maybe it would have been better for him to watch the game with his mates, but if he wanted to be out all evening I think it was pretty unreasonable of him to spend the afternoon at the cinema.
My DC are teenagers now, but I still remember how lonely and frustrating being stuck at home with young children can be.
I agree with you about being the default carer, it’s not easy.

SupermanInk · 08/07/2021 00:38

So you don’t really like football but insisted that he watched it with you. Its much better to watch it with people who are really interested in it and can chat about it knowing what they’re talking about.

I think lots of people don’t want their partners going out with friends, having fun and a drink during sporting events like this, so they suddenly become fans in order to stop them going out. It’s very controlling. It probably stems from insecurity in the relationship which needs dealing with.

Passthewinebottle · 08/07/2021 00:48

I am with you OP. My DH and I are like you both, not really into footy but both enjoy international games.

He & I have watched the match tonight with a few drinks, LOVED it, & if he had fucked off out after the final whistle, I'd have been beyond pissed off.

sherridan · 08/07/2021 00:59

I'm with you too OP. If I was enjoying a night with my partner, doing something we both wanted to do, and he suddenly sodded off out leaving me stuck in the house alone I would be beyond pissed off.

timeisnotaline · 08/07/2021 01:06

I’m not quite sure, but he should definitely have prioritised and skipped the cinema if he wanted to go out. He owes you some serious time out on your own and words to be had on you csnt just do everything you want and I have to lump out. Next time you’ve already gone out you don’t get to just disappear again while I clean up, I’m not the unpaid nanny housekeeper. My husband needed some discussions on prioritising and if you’ve gone out for every minor reason and I want to go out and haven’t in weeks, I don’t care if this is a major event for you, it’s my turns I don’t default parent very well, drives me batshit.

TreeSmuggler · 08/07/2021 01:06

I get you OP. Its not that he did anything wrong, it's more that you thought you were both having fun and then realised he wasn't. It's deflating and embarrassing. Just try to forget it though, it happens to everyone.

I'm not sure if the default parent thing applies here though, unless you also wanted to go out by yourself to a celebration after but couldn't because he did.

StardewMelons · 08/07/2021 01:09

I can't even pretend to give a S**t about football to my dh, I wish he'd clear of and watch it elsewhere..... Grown men jumping up and down chanting and screaming because a millionaire stranger has kicked a ball in a net goes right over my head 😂

GiantHaystacks2021 · 08/07/2021 01:10

The divorce rate is gonna spike after Euro 2020.

olidora63 · 08/07/2021 01:14

My husband not really interested…so went to M and S got loads of lovely nibbles and wine had my friends over …brilliant night!

OnWhatPlanet · 08/07/2021 02:33

They both aren't fussed about the regular league football. The both only like watching the big tournament matches but their usual childcare isn't available so instead of them taking turns and BOTH getting to go out and watch match with friends it's only been the dh getting to do that and OP is controlling then it's not a big deal for the dh to stay home on Sunday so OP gets her turns and goes out with friends to watch the match and celebrate while he looks after his children.

I don't think ops dh will see it that way though, he will see it as a very big deal if he has to stay at home for one single match so OP can go out and experience watching England with her friends. There's been loads of groups of women out watching the matches at local pubs, it's not just a mans thing and I know couples like my bil and sil have taken it in turns to go out and on Sunday they're letting the kids stay up and making it a family thing. They'd agreed if we made it to the finals nobody would be sat at home alone.

1forAll74 · 08/07/2021 03:14

It's fine with what he chose to do, don't make an issues out of it.

rubydoobydoo · 08/07/2021 03:17

YANBU or controlling or any of the things people have accused you of on here - I get why you're upset, OP. You were having a good night and wanted to carry on celebrating and enjoying the night then he just buggered off and left you on your own!

Me and DH aren't bothered about football apart from the big tournaments (unless our home teams are playing each other as they're long standing rivals so we have a bit of friendly banter and piss taking!) but we've been watching and enjoying the England games together and neither of us would dream of leaving the other one before the night was even over.

fairytwinkletastic · 08/07/2021 03:35

Yanbu! My DH watches it then sodded off to bed. Then my drunk and arguing son came home. I'd love to watch and enjoy the match but I'm default carer apparently too and it's spoilt it for me. I worry about my DH going out not because I'm a control freak but because he might be drunk when he comes back.