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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off DH went straight to celebrate with friends after the match?

313 replies

iamtherealelsa · 07/07/2021 23:29

Regular poster but name changed for this one...
So DH has always been pretty into football. He's not massively bothered about following the usual league stuff but gets hugely excited for big tournaments. Tonight was a really big deal for him. We have watched a couple of the games of this tournament together so far, and a couple he has watched with a small group of friends who also happen to be neighbours, always at one particular neighbour's house.
I've never been that into it but have always watched the big games and tournaments and always always watched England. He knows this - we've been together for 17 years.
I said after we knew England had made it to the semis that I definitely wanted to watch it. We have two young DC and no babysitters at the moment (DM is our usual babysitter but she has a recently diagnosed spinal issue...whole other thread).
There was lots of umming and ahhing the last week about where he would be watching this one and I made it clear that I wanted to watch it and ideally didn't want to watch it alone! He said he would stay in but seemed a bit reluctant and to be honest I felt like he really didn't want to. I think he was only really doing it to make up for the fact that he went to the cinema this afternoon while I looked after both DC and DM's dog and he just didn't feel he was entitled to go out again today.
Anyway, he stayed in, we watched it together but as soon as the football finished he announced he was going for a 'celebratory beer' at his friend's house and was basically out the door before I knew what had happened. I'm really pissed off and think it was a bit shitty to just leave me to clear up, turn everything off and go to bed on my own while he went out to celebrate with the people he clearly wished he'd been with this whole time! I just feel a bit rejected and uninvolved which is possibly really pathetic.
AIBU to think he should have stayed to have that celebratory drink with me?

OP posts:
onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 13:59

@Travis1

Fuck me the misogyny on this thread is absolutely ridiculous
if a husband was stopping or just having a sulk because his wife was celebrating with friends, he would be called abusive...
moynomore · 08/07/2021 14:03

What misogyny? He watched the game with the OP and then went out. What am I missing? OP says she goes out drinking sometimes too.

My husband watched the game at a pub last night and I watched it at home with the kids. We will both probably go to the pub on Sunday. All good.

Viviennemary · 08/07/2021 14:15

Im getting sick and tired of the word mysogyny being brought out all the time. Fact. It was a special game. Fact. England won. If OP has a special thing to celebrate out with her friends then her DH should step up to the mark. And those folk suggesting OP plans a night out for the final. Not surprising so many marriages hit the skids with this level of batshit thinking going on.

Strikethrough · 08/07/2021 14:17

Tell him that as you have watched some matches together and he has gone out to watch some, on Sunday night YOU will be going out to watch somewhere else while he looks after the children.

Biancadelrioisback · 08/07/2021 14:17

@ineedaholidaynow

Can someone explain why the man’s needs trump the woman’s?
They don't. But similarly, hers dont trump his.
Biancadelrioisback · 08/07/2021 14:19

[quote GoldieLow]@PerveenMistry

Whether or not she wanted to, he didn't seem bothered enough to ask if she wanted to. The point is why is it reasonable behaviour for a man to just pick up and leave for drinks with friends and leave his wife at home with the kids when they were spending the night together? Why are people calling her needy and clingy and controlling for not "letting" him go out to watch the match when she's got the same level of interest? Why did he act like he had no responsibilities and just head out without thinking about the fact he had children at home?
Answers, because he's a man and men get to do what they want and women are always looked down on for not just gobbling it all up and being grateful for token gestures.[/quote]
In our house we both have the freedom and ability to just pickup and leave for any reason. It's strange that people don't! We aren't slaves in a relationship.

If we both want to go out we talk about it and make a decision who goes, who stays or if we get a sitter.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2021 14:25

@Biancadelrioisback do you have DC? If you do how does that work, surely you need to ensure someone is home to be there if you have young children. We have a teen so can be left on his own, but he now has a part-time job/activities that we have to get him to as we live in a rural area, so we have to ensure all our diaries work together.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 14:34

@Viviennemary

Im getting sick and tired of the word mysogyny being brought out all the time. Fact. It was a special game. Fact. England won. If OP has a special thing to celebrate out with her friends then her DH should step up to the mark. And those folk suggesting OP plans a night out for the final. Not surprising so many marriages hit the skids with this level of batshit thinking going on.

Exactly.

Trotting out "misogyny" and "abuse" over mild disagreements merely undermines the import of those terms.

Biancadelrioisback · 08/07/2021 14:35

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Biancadelrioisback do you have DC? If you do how does that work, surely you need to ensure someone is home to be there if you have young children. We have a teen so can be left on his own, but he now has a part-time job/activities that we have to get him to as we live in a rural area, so we have to ensure all our diaries work together.[/quote]
Yes we do, that's why I said if we both want to go out then we talk about it and decide who goes or if we get a sitter.

Guavaf1sh · 08/07/2021 14:50

OP sounds a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2021 15:08

@Biancadelrioisback you said you have the freedom to just pickup and leave, so that gave the impression that no discussion was involved. Whereas in our house it would be discussed to check that is ok. So our DS has just started an evening job and needs to be picked up a few evenings a week, sometimes including Friday and Saturday night. So either DH or I have to be on parent taxi duty. So not only does that mean neither of us just can’t get up and go to a mate’s house for example without checking that the other adult is ok to pick up the teen, but you also have to ensure the one staying home hasn’t been drinking so can drive.

So in the OP’s example so many posters are saying the DH should just have gone to his mate’s house, which would assume OP would just pick up the childcare duties, which she had already done she had already done earlier in the day too.

hulahooper2 · 08/07/2021 15:12

You sound very controlling

Biancadelrioisback · 08/07/2021 15:15

I also clearly said that if both wanted to go out then we would have a discussion.

Obviously if one is already out then the other wouldn't just go out or if we make plans then we tell each other in advance and pop it on the calendar.

If we're just sitting around on a Friday night and I fancied going out, id say something like "I think I might go out to x's house for a drink" or "I might text and see who's at the pub". If DH had an objection he'd say and we'd discuss it. Otherwise he'd give me a kiss and send me on my way. Same goes for him.

Pebbledashery · 08/07/2021 15:46

You don't sound controlling. You just sound needy and sensitive. Give him a break.

LannieDuck · 08/07/2021 15:52

If this had happened the other way around, would he have been ok with it, or would he have been incredibly annoyed?

i.e. you both watch the game together at home, enjoy all the build-up to the match, the tension of 1-1, the excitement of a second goal, the nervous end of extra time... then England wins... Whoo! And OP says, "that was so awesome! I'm going to the pub to celebrate with my friends, k bye!"

Would OP's DH really have been ok to have a celebratory drink by himself and go to bed? Or would he resent being stuck at home by himself with the kids while OP was out celebrating?

Biancadelrioisback · 08/07/2021 16:00

@LannieDuck

If this had happened the other way around, would he have been ok with it, or would he have been incredibly annoyed?

i.e. you both watch the game together at home, enjoy all the build-up to the match, the tension of 1-1, the excitement of a second goal, the nervous end of extra time... then England wins... Whoo! And OP says, "that was so awesome! I'm going to the pub to celebrate with my friends, k bye!"

Would OP's DH really have been ok to have a celebratory drink by himself and go to bed? Or would he resent being stuck at home by himself with the kids while OP was out celebrating?

If that happened he could have very easily reached out to his mates and asked if someone wanted to come round as OP was heading out if he had wanted to stay up.
Biancadelrioisback · 08/07/2021 17:26

Or he could have said if he was thinking about heading out too and they could have a discussion and make a decision who goes and who stays.

babyblues21 · 08/07/2021 18:47

Im getting sick and tired of the word mysogyny being brought out all the time.

Same. Such an overused word on here.

LannieDuck · 08/07/2021 19:13

he announced he was going for a 'celebratory beer' at his friend's house and was basically out the door before I knew what had happened

Not sure OP had the chance to suggest his mates came around to her house instead of going to the pub, or to say that she'd like to go out too. It sounds like she was caught by surprise, and then he'd already left.

But it's a good point that OP could have called up some of her friends and invited them over.

Morgan12 · 08/07/2021 19:20

Ffs low standards on this thread. Oh let the mens watch the game without the women to annoy them. Get a grip.

Some women happen to like football. Sounds like OP is one of them.

Me and my DH are both big supporters of our team and if we didn't have a babysitter for a big game we would watch together. Because it's unfair if one of us gets to go out.

Maybe I should let him go if this ever happens to us, even though I would also want to? I mean his penis demands it, right?

Biancadelrioisback · 08/07/2021 19:31

@Morgan12

Ffs low standards on this thread. Oh let the mens watch the game without the women to annoy them. Get a grip.

Some women happen to like football. Sounds like OP is one of them.

Me and my DH are both big supporters of our team and if we didn't have a babysitter for a big game we would watch together. Because it's unfair if one of us gets to go out.

Maybe I should let him go if this ever happens to us, even though I would also want to? I mean his penis demands it, right?

OP has said how excited he was to watch this and she is only mildly invested therefore it probably means more to him. It's not about men Vs women. If it was a televised event that the OP and her friends really cared about and the DP wasn't as invested, then it's completely fair for OP to go out and watch it or go out and celebrate.
moynomore · 08/07/2021 19:37

Me and my DH are both big supporters of our team and if we didn't have a babysitter for a big game we would watch together. Because it's unfair if one of us gets to go out.

They watched it together!!

Morgan12 · 08/07/2021 19:44

@moynomore

Me and my DH are both big supporters of our team and if we didn't have a babysitter for a big game we would watch together. Because it's unfair if one of us gets to go out.

They watched it together!!

Yep I can read.

I meant we would watch together and stay together after. One of us wouldn't go celebrate and leave the other alone.

Backhills · 08/07/2021 19:52

I think it's different when you're both big fans though. You watch it with the person you usually watch it with, rather than someone who usually refuses to take any interest.

Nayday · 08/07/2021 20:08

YABU - if your friends were sat next door and had invited you to watch it wouldn't it have been fun to have gone? I'd be a bit pissed off if DH insisted we watch something together that he's not massively into while there was a gathering of my friends next door! I would have done the same I think, popped round afterwards to see them! I don think it's a reflection on you at all, but to me watching football big games is more fun in a group. He would also have been U to have stopped you if you had a similar invite - but it doesn't sound like you did. I think in this scenario I would have agreed with DH for him to watch with mates - but my DH doesn't go out s lot so I'd always encourage him to go and have some fun and wouldn't take it as a reflection on me! I think you probably mis-read and your DH wanted to watch with mates, but pretty decent of him to not let on and watch with you...