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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off DH went straight to celebrate with friends after the match?

313 replies

iamtherealelsa · 07/07/2021 23:29

Regular poster but name changed for this one...
So DH has always been pretty into football. He's not massively bothered about following the usual league stuff but gets hugely excited for big tournaments. Tonight was a really big deal for him. We have watched a couple of the games of this tournament together so far, and a couple he has watched with a small group of friends who also happen to be neighbours, always at one particular neighbour's house.
I've never been that into it but have always watched the big games and tournaments and always always watched England. He knows this - we've been together for 17 years.
I said after we knew England had made it to the semis that I definitely wanted to watch it. We have two young DC and no babysitters at the moment (DM is our usual babysitter but she has a recently diagnosed spinal issue...whole other thread).
There was lots of umming and ahhing the last week about where he would be watching this one and I made it clear that I wanted to watch it and ideally didn't want to watch it alone! He said he would stay in but seemed a bit reluctant and to be honest I felt like he really didn't want to. I think he was only really doing it to make up for the fact that he went to the cinema this afternoon while I looked after both DC and DM's dog and he just didn't feel he was entitled to go out again today.
Anyway, he stayed in, we watched it together but as soon as the football finished he announced he was going for a 'celebratory beer' at his friend's house and was basically out the door before I knew what had happened. I'm really pissed off and think it was a bit shitty to just leave me to clear up, turn everything off and go to bed on my own while he went out to celebrate with the people he clearly wished he'd been with this whole time! I just feel a bit rejected and uninvolved which is possibly really pathetic.
AIBU to think he should have stayed to have that celebratory drink with me?

OP posts:
moynomore · 08/07/2021 09:57

Cross post! I see you are the default parent. That's not fair.

BlueBellsArePretty · 08/07/2021 09:59

:31SlothMama

Slothmama

How many times does England get into an international final? You're being unreasonable OP.

Well since it's such a huge thing for England fans, of which the OP is one, then why shouldn't she celebrate? Does his right to celebrate trump hers because he's male?

My husband and I watched the Scotland/England match at one of his friends because he doesn't have this toxic attitude held by some that his friendships cannot ever cross with his marriage. Have to say that if Scotland were in this situation hell would be freezing over before my husband would be leaving me alone whilst it was on.

Original poster
Iamtherealelsa · 08/07/2021 10:05

@BlueBellsArePretty

:31SlothMama

Slothmama

How many times does England get into an international final? You're being unreasonable OP.

Well since it's such a huge thing for England fans, of which the OP is one, then why shouldn't she celebrate? Does his right to celebrate trump hers because he's male?

My husband and I watched the Scotland/England match at one of his friends because he doesn't have this toxic attitude held by some that his friendships cannot ever cross with his marriage. Have to say that if Scotland were in this situation hell would be freezing over before my husband would be leaving me alone whilst it was on.

This - judging by this thread, his right to celebrate trumps mine because he's male. And then it is also his right to recover from his hangover peacefully while I sort out the kids. Again - because he's male.

Off to go and make twelve strong coffees to get me through a full day's work on not much sleep now before I pick up the kids 👍🏻

OP posts:
Loudestcat14 · 08/07/2021 10:07

Wake him up! If you choose to leave him in his pit, you can't really moan about it!

SupermanInk · 08/07/2021 10:08

This - judging by this thread, his right to celebrate trumps mine because he's male.

🙄 No, because he’s more excited and into it than she is. And because she didn’t mention wanting to go out.

Original poster
Iamtherealelsa · 08/07/2021 10:09

@Loudestcat14

Wake him up! If you choose to leave him in his pit, you can't really moan about it!
What would be the point now?! I've done everything! I'd rather he slept it off so I can get on with work tbh, and then he might be more use this evening! I didn't wake him this morning as it's easier to do it all myself when he's hungover and knackered, he's literally worse than useless in that state
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 08/07/2021 10:10

He should have been out with his friends celebrating not stuck in. I think he did very well offering to stay in with you when he would rather have been out in the first place.

Backhills · 08/07/2021 10:12

Watching football with people who share your love and knowledge of the game is, I'm afraid, completely different to watching it with people who only watch the big games and watching with a group of mates is completely different too. Just look at the atmosphere in the stadium, compared to in your living room. He should have gone with his mates initially.

BlueBellsArePretty · 08/07/2021 10:13

No, because he’s more excited and into it than she is. And because she didn’t mention wanting to go out.

How do we measure excitability? It sounds like they were both equally as excited but perhaps taking care of children and husband's dog means that she is unable to fully demonstrate how excited she is? Or maybe you just believe that as the female there is no way she could be as excited about this as a man?

SupermanInk · 08/07/2021 10:16

How do we measure excitability?

Confused From what she said in her OP.

Anyway, if he doesn’t do his fair share on the whole OP, don’t put up with it. Other than that, he should be able to go out and watch the football. Life doesn’t have to be so hard if you’re with the right person in an equal relationship.

Loudestcat14 · 08/07/2021 10:16

Iamtherealelsa True, the moment has passed. If you're feeling aggrieved about the imbalance of shared responsibility because he's male, the time to wake him was first thing this morning when the kids woke up!

Backhills · 08/07/2021 10:20

As so often, his is really not about the football. Of course a football fan should watch the biggest game of his lifetime with his football fan mates, it's all the other stuff that needs sorting.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 10:22

I made it clear that I wanted to watch it and ideally didn't want to watch it alone! He said he would stay in but seemed a bit reluctant and to be honest I felt like he really didn't want to.

but he still stay? You are massively BU.

Why didn't you get a couple of friends at yours instead? You watch with your friends (and keep kids home), he watch with his mates.

With young kids at home, I understand you couldn't invite HIS mates and make a massive racket with so many people (yours and his), but the whole drama is so unnecessary.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 10:24

@ginandgingers92

Lots of poisonous posters on this thread... 🤢

I think a lot comes down to being the default parent and always feeling like you have to be the one to miss out when you have young children. The fact lots of people don't seem to see a problem in that is actually pretty fucked up.

Well, this wasn't remotely the OP's original complaint. She was griping that he didn't want to be with her specifically.

BlueBellsArePretty · 08/07/2021 10:24

SupermanInk

The op said

'He's not massively bothered about following the usual league stuff but gets hugely excited for big tournaments…

I've never been that into it but have always watched the big games and tournaments and always always watched England.'

That reads more like they are equally excited by the games not that the male is more excited and thus in your view his wishes trump hers.

SupermanInk · 08/07/2021 10:32

BlueBellsArePretty

She also said tonight was a really big deal for him. You seemed to have missed that bit out. He sounds like he’s more interested.
Anyway, this is draining just talking about it. I can’t imagine living it. And it’s 10.32, I must do some work...and then take the dogs out.... and then get my child from school...🙄

SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 08/07/2021 10:35

Why didn’t you offer to host friends to watch the game?

Spidey66 · 08/07/2021 10:35

@GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine

Isn't watching it together, then him celebrating with his mates afterwards a good compromise? Best of both worlds
Exactly what I was thinking.
Paramaribo · 08/07/2021 10:35

I think YABU OP from what you've written.

My DH (and DS) and definitely more into football than me, but I will watch the big matches like you - I still don't have the same level of excitement and interest they do for them though.

Yes, I would prefer to watch them with them on simple level but knowing how much more they would enjoy watching it with their respective mates then that is what I would actively encourage. Thinking about it, given our mismatched interest levels, I would definitely prefer to invite a few similar interest level friends round to watch it with me.

I think the mismatched responsibility/chore sharing is a different issue and should be tackled separately.

SupermanInk · 08/07/2021 10:38

Exactly what I was thinking.

Not if the aim was to stop him drinking with his mates. Hmm

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2021 10:43

@PerveenMistry she did also mention that he had been out earlier in the day so she had to stay home and look after the DC

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 10:44

@SupermanInk

That's not sharing though is it? That's him abandoning you with all the work.

Our relationship is more than a day of two. I’m more than capable of doing everything that needs doing. My partner will do the same if I’ve got things on. I’ve gone to festivals for a few days and he’s done everything that needs doing with the house and kids. I’ve had nights where I’ve drank to much and he’s left me in bed the next day and just got on with it. We also do stuff together, its not a competition. I know if I needed him, he’d drop everything for me.
When our youngest was about 1, my partner actually went to another country and watched some of the Euro games. 🤷🏻‍♀️ He was away for about a week. He didn’t need to do extra before he left.
But like I say, our relationship is equal and I know when it comes down to it, family is the priority.

Very well said!

RowanAlong · 08/07/2021 10:44

I think you missed a trick here - you should have negotiated beforehand that you’d get the afternoon at the cinema and he’d get a night out for the football. He’s telling you he’d rather watch the football out - so listen to him. Maybe get a babysitter if you want to watch it too?

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2021 10:47

Hmm personally I think if he wanted to do this in the evening then he should have not gone to the cinema during the day.

LindaEllen · 08/07/2021 10:53

I can't imagine how he must have felt, being the kind of person who'd rather watch the match somewhere with a bit of atmosphere, being told he had to stay at home with you and watch it.

Imagine, just for a minute, what the responses would be like if this was about a man not 'letting' his girlfriend go out.

Come one.