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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off DH went straight to celebrate with friends after the match?

313 replies

iamtherealelsa · 07/07/2021 23:29

Regular poster but name changed for this one...
So DH has always been pretty into football. He's not massively bothered about following the usual league stuff but gets hugely excited for big tournaments. Tonight was a really big deal for him. We have watched a couple of the games of this tournament together so far, and a couple he has watched with a small group of friends who also happen to be neighbours, always at one particular neighbour's house.
I've never been that into it but have always watched the big games and tournaments and always always watched England. He knows this - we've been together for 17 years.
I said after we knew England had made it to the semis that I definitely wanted to watch it. We have two young DC and no babysitters at the moment (DM is our usual babysitter but she has a recently diagnosed spinal issue...whole other thread).
There was lots of umming and ahhing the last week about where he would be watching this one and I made it clear that I wanted to watch it and ideally didn't want to watch it alone! He said he would stay in but seemed a bit reluctant and to be honest I felt like he really didn't want to. I think he was only really doing it to make up for the fact that he went to the cinema this afternoon while I looked after both DC and DM's dog and he just didn't feel he was entitled to go out again today.
Anyway, he stayed in, we watched it together but as soon as the football finished he announced he was going for a 'celebratory beer' at his friend's house and was basically out the door before I knew what had happened. I'm really pissed off and think it was a bit shitty to just leave me to clear up, turn everything off and go to bed on my own while he went out to celebrate with the people he clearly wished he'd been with this whole time! I just feel a bit rejected and uninvolved which is possibly really pathetic.
AIBU to think he should have stayed to have that celebratory drink with me?

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 08/07/2021 10:55

Oh and FWIW my DP has just asked me if it's okay if he goes round to a friend's house as he's having a party (girlfriends not invited, lads only!) on Sunday for the final.

This means I'll be watching alone.

Am I bothered? Yes. Will I mention it to make him feel bad? No. I actually love him and want him to have a good time. He asked me was it okay, and I would never make him miss out on a good time to stay at home with me.

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2021 11:02

@LindaEllen

I can't imagine how he must have felt, being the kind of person who'd rather watch the match somewhere with a bit of atmosphere, being told he had to stay at home with you and watch it.

Imagine, just for a minute, what the responses would be like if this was about a man not 'letting' his girlfriend go out.

Come one.

I think "can't imagine how he must have felt" is a bit strong for having to watch football at home.
BlueBellsArePretty · 08/07/2021 11:16

Linda Ellen

So even though you are bothered that you will be alone for the game you haven't communicated this to your husband when he asked if it's ok?

Is there a particular reason why your husband's friend has excluded women from his party?

It's great that you love your husband so much that you would never let him miss out on a good time, I hope he extends you the same courtesy.

HaveringWavering · 08/07/2021 11:21

I get the sense that OP’s biggest issue is that he practically ran out the door as soon as the final whistle blew- he didn’t tell her in advance what he was planning, he didn’t say “I’m going to celebrate with Dave now, you don’t mind do you?”, he didn’t kiss her goodbye. He just fucked off leaving her there like a lemon.

Beefcurtains79 · 08/07/2021 11:44

Today 11:21 HaveringWavering

I get the sense that OP’s biggest issue is that he practically ran out the door as soon as the final whistle blew- he didn’t tell her in advance what he was planning, he didn’t say “I’m going to celebrate with Dave now, you don’t mind do you?”, he didn’t kiss her goodbye. He just fucked off leaving her there like a lemon.

Well exactly. Posters are just ignoring this (-and the fact that he went to the cinema earlier that day too) so they can give her a good kicking and tell her she isn’t allowed to have fun when the football is on, as she doesn’t have a penis.
Even the fat he’s lying in bed useless and hungover is becoming her fault now.

GoldieLow · 08/07/2021 11:48

There's some really toxic stuff being said under this post. Basically what a lot of you are saying is he's a man, he should get to go out and watch football with his friends and leave his wife at home alone despite them having the same level of interest in football, and him getting up and going out without even letting her know until he's practically gone is fine because it's football...

This is unreasonable behaviour. He's not suddenly single with no commitments just because the footballs on and she shouldn't have to be the little wife who has to smile and nod at her husband wanting to act out his manly urges to spend a football match drinking beer with his friends.
It's sickening seeing people calling her controlling and needy. Saying cool wives would allow it. It's pure sexism and misogyny, the basics to make sure women know their place while men do as they like.

OP I hope you don't take any of what people have said to heart. These responses are trying to make you feel bad and insult you. I'm sorry there are so many women trying to boost this behaviour.

DrRamsesEmerson · 08/07/2021 11:52

YANBU, OP. Go out on Sunday evening and leave him with the DC. Sauce for the goose and all that.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 08/07/2021 11:54

@GoldieLow can only single people go to meet their friends? He watched the match with her which is what she wanted?

It's not healthy to ever see friends when you are married and have kids. Do people really live like this?

veganmayo · 08/07/2021 12:00

Although I think watching the match with you as you also enjoy football, and then going out to celebrate post-match with his friends who he might otherwise have watched it with, is actually quite a fair compromise... I think you're being unfairly flamed here. Your OP doesn't sound to me like you're being possessive or controlling but I do think it's minor enough to just let go.

I like football and was often snubbed by my exP in favour of watching matches with his mates. It can be a bit depressing if you're left sat watching alone but I was aware that I didn't provide the 'banter' that his male friends indulge in (and I can't stand, tbh). I guess for this reason women are disproportionately palmed off on these occasions but I wouldn't take it to heart.

GoldieLow · 08/07/2021 12:01

*@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

@GoldieLow can only single people go to meet their friends? He watched the match with her which is what she wanted?

It's not healthy to ever see friends when you are married and have kids. Do people really live like this?*

It's not that he was just seeing friends though, it's that he was walking out the house at half 10 on a Wednesday night leaving his wife at home with the kids without a second thought for her. If she'd have done the same thing I doubt people would be lining up to stick up for her if he was left alone afterwards.
She already said they both have the same level of interest in football. Why did he get to just sod off out to celebrate? Why was she the one who automatically had to stay home without him even giving her a spare thought?

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 12:32

@GoldieLow

There's some really toxic stuff being said under this post. Basically what a lot of you are saying is he's a man, he should get to go out and watch football with his friends and leave his wife at home alone despite them having the same level of interest in football, and him getting up and going out without even letting her know until he's practically gone is fine because it's football...

This is unreasonable behaviour. He's not suddenly single with no commitments just because the footballs on and she shouldn't have to be the little wife who has to smile and nod at her husband wanting to act out his manly urges to spend a football match drinking beer with his friends.
It's sickening seeing people calling her controlling and needy. Saying cool wives would allow it. It's pure sexism and misogyny, the basics to make sure women know their place while men do as they like.

OP I hope you don't take any of what people have said to heart. These responses are trying to make you feel bad and insult you. I'm sorry there are so many women trying to boost this behaviour.

Did she want to go out? I'm not seeing that.

She didn't want to go out to celebrate and also wanted him to prefer staying in with her, and was miffed when he didn't.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2021 12:52

I wonder what would have happened if the OP said she was going out with friends last night.

GoldieLow · 08/07/2021 12:57

@PerveenMistry

Whether or not she wanted to, he didn't seem bothered enough to ask if she wanted to. The point is why is it reasonable behaviour for a man to just pick up and leave for drinks with friends and leave his wife at home with the kids when they were spending the night together? Why are people calling her needy and clingy and controlling for not "letting" him go out to watch the match when she's got the same level of interest? Why did he act like he had no responsibilities and just head out without thinking about the fact he had children at home?
Answers, because he's a man and men get to do what they want and women are always looked down on for not just gobbling it all up and being grateful for token gestures.

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 13:04

@ineedaholidaynow

I wonder what would have happened if the OP said she was going out with friends last night.

Did she want to?

PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 13:04

[quote GoldieLow]@PerveenMistry

Whether or not she wanted to, he didn't seem bothered enough to ask if she wanted to. The point is why is it reasonable behaviour for a man to just pick up and leave for drinks with friends and leave his wife at home with the kids when they were spending the night together? Why are people calling her needy and clingy and controlling for not "letting" him go out to watch the match when she's got the same level of interest? Why did he act like he had no responsibilities and just head out without thinking about the fact he had children at home?
Answers, because he's a man and men get to do what they want and women are always looked down on for not just gobbling it all up and being grateful for token gestures.[/quote]

Massive hyperbole.

Pebbledashery · 08/07/2021 13:14

Oh for goodness sake, it's football - not another woman!
I would have a) let him watch with his friends b)let him go out, there is no need to be sensitive about it, I am sure you share a million and one other things together.

iBrows · 08/07/2021 13:18

A few hours apart won’t kill you.

You can’t expect him to meet your social needs, have you got any friends you can watch the final with?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 08/07/2021 13:31

@HaveringWavering

I get the sense that OP’s biggest issue is that he practically ran out the door as soon as the final whistle blew- he didn’t tell her in advance what he was planning, he didn’t say “I’m going to celebrate with Dave now, you don’t mind do you?”, he didn’t kiss her goodbye. He just fucked off leaving her there like a lemon.
I agree, who does that?

It's embarrassing!

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2021 13:32

Can someone explain why the man’s needs trump the woman’s?

MolyHolyGuacamole · 08/07/2021 13:35

@OnTheBrink1

Why on Earth should the OP have had to be at home alone to watch it? Because she is a woman and little women should be in their place with the kids whilst the men go out, get pissed, watch football and generally have a great social time? They both equally wanted to watch it and both didn’t want to be alone to watch it so in no way was OP controlling but not ‘letting’ him see mates. He should have been considerate of her feelings too- if there is no baby sitter then why does that mean he gets to automatically go out and leave her?
Then find a babysitter 🤷🏽‍♀️ they exist. Some people just want to be martyrs
onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 13:36

@ineedaholidaynow

Can someone explain why the man’s needs trump the woman’s?
where do get that from?

The OP didn't want to go out, did she?

lap90 · 08/07/2021 13:45

Yes YABU.

You watched it together and no doubt celebrated each goal.

Get a grip.

drpet49 · 08/07/2021 13:49

** ineedaholidaynow

Can someone explain why the man’s needs trump the woman’s?**

Can you explain why the woman’s needy needs trumps the mans?

Travis1 · 08/07/2021 13:50

Fuck me the misogyny on this thread is absolutely ridiculous

IamnotSethRogan · 08/07/2021 13:56

God I really don't think it's a sexist issue

OP is not a big football fan and the husband wanted to be with other people who enjoyed it as much as him.

It's like if there's a gig I want to go to, sometimes I don't always want to go with DH because he's not as into music as me, I'd rather go with someone who I know will enjoy it.

And yes, if it was something important to me that I was looking forward to, I'd expect DH to look after the kids without thinking about it too much.

Sounds like the husband compromised tbh.