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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told his sister about my abortion

335 replies

JoSummer · 07/07/2021 17:44

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 07/07/2021 17:47

I think YAB a bit U. He probably sees it as a joint decision and was trying to show her that lots of people have done the same as her so she shouldn't feel ashamed.
I can see why you are upset if you see it as personal and something you don't talk about but I think its his story too and he wasn't gossiping.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 17:47

Unforgivable

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 17:48

He should have spoken to you first and explained he thought it would help his sister before divulging personal medical information.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 07/07/2021 17:48

I don’t think yabu OP. It’s sounds like he has been very thoughtless.
Hopefully someone with better advice will be along Flowers

Original poster
JoSummer · 07/07/2021 17:50

@QuentinBunbury sorry but I have to ask if you’re a man? He tried to say it was his story to share too, but I disagree. An abortion is about a woman’s body and experience, not a man’s. He didn’t even come with me because the clinic didn’t allow men. He still has no idea how I felt. I know this is a separate issue to telling his sister, but it’s brought it all back.
If you’re not a man then I appreciate your viewpoint as I guess I need to realise that women could see it from the same POV as him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2021 17:50

I am so sorry, op. I would be fucking raging and I don't think I would ever forgive this. Some may think that's extreme, and that's fine, but I am a very private person, and having my confidence broken like this would be it for me.

Katshouldnotswim · 07/07/2021 17:51

YANBU

Totally understand why it is important to you to not tell anyone.

I would be devastated too.

💐

Dyrne · 07/07/2021 17:52

This is something that I absolutely wouldn’t be able to forgive; I’m so sorry your DH betrayed your trust like that.

QuentinBunbury · 07/07/2021 17:55

No I'm not a man but I do have a bad over sharing habit myself and also tell my family nearly everything so I can see how this could happen.
I don't really think it's unreasonable to be upset he told her but I think he had good intentions- she needs support and has chosen to talk to him.
I also think you don't need to feel ashamed about choices you made that were right for you at the time Flowers
I'm in the minority though so will probs get my arse handed to me shortly Grin

yeOldeTrout · 07/07/2021 18:02

It's a life event for him, too. It didn't only affect you that this happened. I'm leaning towards yabu.

Are you ashamed or convinced some people will judge you negatively -- is that why you want the info kept private?

Original poster
JoSummer · 07/07/2021 18:03

To those saying you wouldn’t be able to forgive - do you mean you’d divorce/ leave over this? Or more that it would bother you forever?
I haven’t felt this shaken by something for a long time. I don’t really know what to do.

OP posts:
MrsSquirrel · 07/07/2021 18:05

YANBU it's your personal medical information.

Has he apologised?

OliveToboogie · 07/07/2021 18:05

I can totally understand how you feel however I also can understand from your DH point of view. As was said he didn't mean it in a gossipy kind of way prob wanted to assure his DSis that he understood how difficult this is. I know this is no help to you op I hope you and your DH can work through this.

Original poster
JoSummer · 07/07/2021 18:05

@yeOldeTrout at the time we had only been together for a few months. I’m sorry but it really didn’t feel like a life event for him. Not even close. For me, it caused turmoil as I didn’t think I’d ever have an abortion. The fact I didn’t turn to my Mum (who would have been lovely) still upsets me. She still doesn’t know but now my DH’s side of family will probably all know before long.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoSummer · 07/07/2021 18:05

Yes he apologised straight away

OP posts:
TabithaTiger · 07/07/2021 18:06

I can totally understand why you're upset, I would be too. But I think he did it with good intention and was just trying to help his sister. I certainly wouldn't see this as a reason to end the relationship if you're otherwise happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2021 18:07

@JoSummer

To those saying you wouldn’t be able to forgive - do you mean you’d divorce/ leave over this? Or more that it would bother you forever? I haven’t felt this shaken by something for a long time. I don’t really know what to do.
I can't say for sure how something like this would impact my marriage because I haven't experienced it, but I do know that my trust in my husband would be shattered. How anyone overcomes that I don't know.

Did your husband know you never wanted this information to be shared? Not that it matters, really. The idiot should have known better.

TallFriendlyGinger · 07/07/2021 18:07

I can understand why you are upset, I would think in his mind it's a joint experience as you both made the decision and it was both of yours child however you were the one who went through it physically. I think you should definitely speak to him about how badly you feel he has broken your trust and how you wanted it to be kept private.

On the other hand I can understand that he wanted to comfort her sister and let her know that she wasn't alone.

Summersun2020 · 07/07/2021 18:08

Oh just fuck OFF with the “it was his experience too”. No it wasn’t. NOT his body, NOT his abortion, NOT his decision to share.
Op I’m so so sorry hes betrayed you in this way. I would be so upset.

Nohomemadecandles · 07/07/2021 18:08

It is his story too. Sorry. If it was his baby, it's his story too.

If he'd been telling randomers in the pub, I could be annoyed but not his own sister. Especially in the circumstances.

ChaBishkoot · 07/07/2021 18:09

Yes he shouldn’t have. But he apologised. He did it with good intentions. And unless your SIL is a horrible person she won’t tell other people. We are, I think (and I hope) allowed to make mistakes in relationships. (I draw the line at cheating and any form of violence but other people have different red lines). If my partner apologised, was contrite and didn’t do this out of malice I would be upset but I would forgive.

Maggiesfarm · 07/07/2021 18:11

I think he was wrong to share that information with his sister, however well meaning. There are some things that should not be disclosed and abortion is one of them.

However he has apologised and presumably you are generally happy with him so please accept the apology and move on.

toocold54 · 07/07/2021 18:11

YABU his own sister is having to make a massive, life changing decision and he has been through it with you. There is a lot of negativity surrounding abortions and although I understand it was your secret I think it is important to be open about these things (especially with your own sister) and be supportive of someone going through the same thing.
I would understand if you said about him telling his mum or someone not dealing with it but I’m surprised you’d be upset with him when you’ve been in her position before.

RunningFromInsanity · 07/07/2021 18:12

@QuentinBunbury

I think YAB a bit U. He probably sees it as a joint decision and was trying to show her that lots of people have done the same as her so she shouldn't feel ashamed. I can see why you are upset if you see it as personal and something you don't talk about but I think its his story too and he wasn't gossiping.
I agree. He didn’t do it to embarrass or hurt you. He didn’t blurt it out to a casual acquaintance. He was comforting his sister.

He’s apologised.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 18:12

If he has apologised and it was his sister I would find it hard to forgive but might see if I could live with him and give it a chance. If he has told his sister it was a mistake telling her and she shouldn't tell anyone then it is possibly saveable. But if it reached my MIL I wouldn't be able to move past that at all.

I would feel similar about a lot of medical procedures.