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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH told his sister about my abortion

335 replies

JoSummer · 07/07/2021 17:44

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

OP posts:

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 19:05

@GameSetMatch

As long as he only shared his side then YABU I’m afraid, yes it’s your body but it impacted both of you. He has feelings as well

He could have said he was with someone who had an abortion then if he'd really wanted. Twisted it a bit to sound like an ex.

Happylittlethoughts · 07/07/2021 19:06

YANBU
That is private information and her partner knew it was not for sharing.
Is the abortion on his medical records? No! So he sacrificed confidentiality to comfort his sister. Yes you can see it may have been well intentioned but ultimately he chose to break your confidence. I'd be furious.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 07/07/2021 19:07

When I had my abortion 20 years ago I found it massively helpful that a work colleague at the time had shared her experience with me. It really made it feel less shameful and more acceptable. I have since shared my experience with a few people when it's been relevant, remembering how helpful that was. It has also helped me to process it. I know you chose to not tell anyone but it doesn't have to be the end of all trust with your DP, he surely didn't understand how important it was that this was a secret, a sentiment I share if I'm truthful.

HalzTangz · 07/07/2021 19:08

[quote JoSummer]@QuentinBunbury sorry but I have to ask if you’re a man? He tried to say it was his story to share too, but I disagree. An abortion is about a woman’s body and experience, not a man’s. He didn’t even come with me because the clinic didn’t allow men. He still has no idea how I felt. I know this is a separate issue to telling his sister, but it’s brought it all back.
If you’re not a man then I appreciate your viewpoint as I guess I need to realise that women could see it from the same POV as him.[/quote]
I am a female And I agree with @quentinbubury .
Yes it's a women's body, but it was his loss as well as yours. He would have grieved the same as you grieved.
It wasn't his fault he couldn't go with you, that was the fault of the clinic you used.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/07/2021 19:08

Of course he couldn't go through it physically but that doesn't mean he didn't have an emotional investment. Do you think he may never feel wonder what would have happened if the pregnancy had gone ahead. Or occasionally think we would have a 10 year old now.

yeOldeTrout · 07/07/2021 19:09

Why didn't you ask your mum for support at the time ?

It still sounds like there is something you're not saying, which could be unreasonable feelings of shame. Whatever your husband said to anyone now, that's done (could ask SIL not to divulge further, but that's separate set of actions). Otherwise, maybe a good thing that could come out of this is to get rid of any shame, if it still exists.

Itreallytiedtheroomtogether · 07/07/2021 19:10

My DH shared something very personal with his mum about a medical condition I had post birth, so not the same, but I believe he felt it was ok to share as it was about the baby in a roundabout way. It didn't help that his mum is very cold, so there wasn't anyone worse he could have told.

I was devastated and I don't use that word lightly. But, he is a kind man and made a mistake - one he wont make again as he saw how upset I was. This was several years ago and I have totally forgiven him now, if not forgotten. I would try and move on if your marriage is otherwise sound. Make sure he tells his sister how you feel and that she must not repeat this to anyone. Hope you are ok OP

RooMama · 07/07/2021 19:11

My DH and I had a tfmr. It was a late one and complicated but it was a decision we made together, we went to counselling together and did as much of it as possible supporting each other.

I'd be horrified if he or anyone took the opinion that this was my thing that happened only to me. Obviously we experienced it in different ways but it was a shared experience as a couple. Now not all terminations are a decision between a couple but it seems in OPs case it might have been, and so I am leaning toward yabu

spongedog · 07/07/2021 19:12

@Summersun2020

Oh just fuck OFF with the “it was his experience too”. No it wasn’t. NOT his body, NOT his abortion, NOT his decision to share. Op I’m so so sorry hes betrayed you in this way. I would be so upset.

No you fuck off too dear. Not all women have the same views or the same hysteria over things. It was his baby too, presumably joint decision. Of course it is his story to share. His experience and emotions will be - might be - different - but they are equally valid in a relationship.

He is allowed to do what is best for him. He didnt try to stop the abortion. Abortion isnt a guilty secret.

HalzTangz · 07/07/2021 19:12

@Summersun2020

Absolute bollocks

Of course it affects the male too, after al it's also there baby.

Tal45 · 07/07/2021 19:13

He made a mistake, he shouldn't have said anything without talking to you first but I certainly wouldn't consider it unforgiveable. I think it would be wrong to tell someone they are not allowed to talk about something that affected them even if it impacted them less that you. He should speak to his sister though and request that she doesn't say anything to anyone else as it was very personal information that he shared.

IdblowJonSnow · 07/07/2021 19:14

I think it's perfectly understandable that OP feels extremely privately about her termination without assuming there is any shame attached to that.

Yanbu to be angry and hurt OP. I guess I can understand his motivation but he should have kept schtum for your sake.

Viviennemary · 07/07/2021 19:16

I think it's one thing a woman telling her story to help a colleague and quite another thing a man telling it. It's not the same at all.

powershowerforanhour · 07/07/2021 19:16

*Would he be OK his sister knowing details about his penis if he needed an op on that?

Or for symmetry, would he be happy if the OP shared details of her husband’s traumatic genital surgery with her brother?

So you think an abortion is on the same level as genital surgery? I am 100% pro choice, and it is always the womans choice, but it does take 2 to make a baby.

It doesnt take 2 to require genital surgery*

If my husband was considering a vasectomy it's 100% his choice but I'd expect him to discuss it with me first and hear my feelings on the subject. It would affect me a bit- the door slamming shut on the possibility of any more children with him ever, and therefore probably no more children for me ever unless we split up (neither of us want another but at present we are only 99.5% sure of that I suppose).

If he had one, and then I blabbed all to my brother a few years later if he was contemplating one, DH would have every right to be upset.

AlternativePerspective · 07/07/2021 19:16

There’s no right or wrong here.

Yes I can understand that you are upset, but for those who say that it wasn’t his experience to share, of course it was. It It was his baby too.

It doesn’t sound as if he was sharing the information to gossip, more to reassure his sister that people do have abortions and that it’s her choice to make.

RamItBunty · 07/07/2021 19:17

It’s not any man, it’s a man who was the father of the unborn baby discussing his experience to empathise. Context is everything

LibertyMole · 07/07/2021 19:17

If it was the DH’s loss is the sister also allowed to now grieve for her nephew or niece, are the grandparents allowed to grieve for their grandchild? Are they allowed to do it publicly? To start talking about the death of their grandchild?

Where is the dividing line here? It becomes Schroedinger’s baby- simultaneously people are meant to support the abortion but also have no feelings of grief.

Which is why we don’t go around telling people about abortions. It is something happening to the woman and the man or whoever she tells is there to support her.

UmamiMammy · 07/07/2021 19:18

Difficult situation but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It sounds as though you have unresolved issues around your termination.

lastcall · 07/07/2021 19:18

I understand why he did it, but he was completely in the wrong to do so.

Lockdownbear · 07/07/2021 19:23

Op if your sister had come to your to talk, share her thoughts about abortion would you have shared?

I think YABU, while I'm 100% in the camp of it being a womans body and only the womans decision. I don't believe that men just forget about it.

There may be some religious reasons why you didn't to share the information. Possible legal to if your in Ireland.

However you could make yourself the dearest SIL ever if you hold out an hand to your SIL and let her know you are there for her but to request her to
please not share your abortion with anyone else.

Anonymouslyposting · 07/07/2021 19:23

I think YAB a bit U unless DH’s sister is someone DH knows you don’t like or is a known gossip.

I agree with other posters that your abortion is also part of DH’s life. Of course the woman is the primary person impacted and of course it’s ultimately the woman’s decision but that doesn’t mean it’s nothing to the man. It was his DNA and potential child so he’s allowed to have feelings about it and to want to talk to his sister if he feels his personal experience could help her. Ideally he would have discussed this with you first but I can understand why he didn’t think he had to. He’s apologised and you’ve said you think his intentions were good so I’d let it go.

I do think saying “we” had an abortion is not great though - it minimises that it primarily happened to you.

I’d be asking DH to make very clear (if he hasn’t already) that this is a hugely sensitive issue, that his sister must not share the information and that it is not something you want discussed with you (assuming this is the case) or anyone else.

Dora33 · 07/07/2021 19:23

He made a mistake in telling his sister without checking with you. But he did have a lost also although not of course any where close to what you went through.
My sil had many miscarriages and went through the physical procedure as well as the emotional lost. My brother did not experience that of course but they did effect him.
It was horrible for you that you were felt so alone when you had your termination. You did what was right for you.

Summerleaves · 07/07/2021 19:24

I can see both points of view.

He felt for his sister and shared something profound that happened in his life.

But it is deeply personal to you too and it happened to your body, and like it or not women's choices are scrutinised and judged more than men's.

My mother told my brother about my abortion, I've no idea why except that my family overshare. I was upset about that for a while but I've been able put it behind me.

I think your husband's motivations were far more forgivable but that's up to you in the end.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 19:25

So you think an abortion is on the same level as genital surgery?

Having not had genital surgery I am unsure of the emotions involved. But if it's not on the same level then I would think Abortion was harder emotionally? But I don't know. In either case if he wouldnt be happy OP telling someone if his penis had to be removed then why would he think she would be happy to have details of her abortion shared?

Bananaman123 · 07/07/2021 19:25

I would be very upset too, I don't think men have the same experience even if they are part of the decision making. He could comfort her without telling her.

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