DH told his sister about my abortion

[JoSummer]

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

@Nohomemadecandles

It is his story too. Sorry. If it was his baby, it's his story too.

If he'd been telling randomers in the pub, I could be annoyed but not his own sister. Especially in the circumstances.

I disagree. If the pregnancy had continued and a child was born, then it would have been his baby. The story about the abortion is about OP's body, OP's pregnancy and OP's medical treatment.

I thought I'd be appalled but honestly I see both sides. It was a joint decision, a long time ago, and it wasn't gossip, she was talking about hers, she's not going to judge

I realise my view may be impacted by my specific inlaws.

I would be livid. I am also a private person.
It's not his information to share and now his sister knows how can you know she won't tell anyone else?

I haven't told DH about my family members' terminations as it is none of his business.

DH owes you a serious apology and it's up to you whether to accept it or not but don't feel pressured or hurried.

You had a termination, not him. The decision was yours and it's on your medical notes, not his.

@QuentinBunbury I wouldn't hand you your arse on a plate for feeling differently but from you being an oversharer you may well have told other people if you'd had a termination. OP has told no one, that's the difference.

Plenty of people judge those who have had terminations, very many of my family would. I am very very pro choice, we agree to disagree.

I think there are two issues here, OP. One is the breach of your confidentiality, and the other is the possibly unresolved issues around your termination.
You say you told nobody, not even your mother, apart from your partner. As the relationship was fairly new at the time, and DP obviously isn’t a woman, you missed out on the empathy and support of someone who would fully understand.
I think you need to take the chance to talk this through with, firstly, a counsellor and secondly your partner. If you want to continue the relationship, then you need to find a way to move past this - by explaining to him exactly why you are so angry, and by giving him the chance to apologise and be forgiven. Otherwise this is going to fester and make it difficult for you to trust him in future, and perhaps also make him resentful that you won’t let him put it behind him.

He completely broke your trust.

That was YOUR personal medical information. Not his.

For those who think it's OK, would it be OK if he shared all the ops medical details just because someone else was going through a similar experience.

He could have supported her and said all the right things without breaking your trust.

Sorry op

It was a thoughtless mistake IMO but forgivable. I can see why you're upset however I can also see why he thought it would be fine as it happened 10 years ago.

I think yabu. You're entitled to feel upset and angry that he shared but it was his experience too, yes it was your body but it was also his baby and he was comforting his sister not a stranger. You chose not to turn to your mother, that's your choice and you say you had noone so why are you not more supportive of the fact he made his sister aware that she's not the only one who's been through it and she will be okay.

I would be furious. It is your decision to tell no one and that's a perfectly fine way to deal with it. Ignore the pp saying it means you haven't resolved it. It's a private matter and I would be furious if anyone in my husband's family knew as they could gossip at any time. Regardless of his apology, you need to make him understand how betrayed you are by this.

It's not his story too, it happened to OP, her body her experience, He has no idea what it is like to experience an abortion, if he did, he wouldn't have told his sister without asking OP first, he has not understood how personal that information is because it did not happen to him.
There are far to many men claiming women's bodies as an extension of their own. While the baby is inside the woman it is her body and her choice, Ultimately the man doesn't get a say because he's not pregnant.

I'm really sorry you have been betrayed in this way OP. A similar thing happened to me - my (now ex) H shared some extremely personal medical information about me with my mother, when I had clearly told him not to. It felt like a terrible betrayal of my trust. I feel our relationship was never really the same again, because I simply didn't trust him with that kind of information. so I didn't tell him about medical stuff, it meant I had limited support, but I could trust friends and my sister more than my husband.

You will need time to forgive him if you choose to, but your story is not for him to use as an example to comfort his sister, He could have supported his sister in other ways. But think hard about what you want to tell him in the future.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult this is how I feel. If someone had an ingrown toenail and OP shared details of when I had one I'd be annoyed.

*DP

I think YABU. It was a shared experience - it was his baby too and his story to share as well.

And no, I’m not a man.

@MouldyPotato

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult this is how I feel. If someone had an ingrown toenail and OP shared details of when I had one I'd be annoyed.

Exactly.

What if his sister had piles. Would that be ok for him to share too. What if something showed up on a smear test?

At what does ops need for privacy come before someone else's need to know her information.

@Babdoc you are very wise about the counselling.
My mother would really not understand but a neutral counsellor is a good idea.

I really am appalled that he would tell his sister and even more so when OP has said the sister will now tell the rest of the family. That would make it really difficult for me to get past it.

I think YABU, possibly rightfully so though. Clearly you have unresolved issues around this, and sounds like the control of not sharing that information keeps those at bay. Sounds as if you hold resentment towards your DH too, maybe as you feel it was your burden to carry.

I agree it is partly his information to share, and also that he was well intentioned, and this happened a long time ago, it presumably isn't news which can drastically change your world now.

I would brush off the initial hurt and take this as chance to resolve your feelings around this event, for your own benefit.

@Summersun2020

Oh just fuck OFF with the “it was his experience too”. No it wasn’t. NOT his body, NOT his abortion, NOT his decision to share. Op I’m so so sorry hes betrayed you in this way. I would be so upset.

100% agree with this. It wasn’t his medical procedure and he had no right to share it with anyone. I’d be fucking livid if my DH shared sensitive private info.

Did he at least have the foresight to tell her to keep it to herself? Or is it going to become public knowledge now?

I can absolutely see why you’re upset. And he should not have done it. The only mitigating factor is that it came from a position of kindness; his sister had confided in him and he was trying to make her feel better. I think I’d impress upon him how upset you are and ask him to impress upon his sister the importance of the utmost confidentiality. And he needs to do this as he’s the one who’s told the secret.

I think you're BU, but I can also see your point if view.

I can understand you being upset, but at the same time I can see it from his side. He did not experience the same as you, of course, but he still experienced an emotional loss and presumably had lots of upsetting discussion with you during the decision-making process.

My mother told my sister that I'd had one, and she threw it in my face some time later, as well as telling her own 10 year old son that I had "killed a child". I would NEVER have told her, but we do not get along at all, and Mum just assumed she already knew for some strange reason,.

In this scenario, of course he could have considered your feelings before discussing it with her, but presumably they have a close relationship and he thought it would bring her some comfort. I'd be surprised if he had remembered being asked not to tell anyone so long ago. As such, while I don't feel it's unreasonable for you to be upset, I wonder if that's more about the loss than what he has done. She is his sister, not some random person/colleague after all, if you felt you went through it alone, why would he want someone he cares about to do the same?

@MouldyPotato

Unforgivable

Agreed

What if the sister decides not to have the abortion and now his family know you had one?
I’d be pissed off too. It’s also something I wouldn’t want others to know. It deeply private information.
He could have supported his sister without divulging this information.

Although I think he is completely in the wrong, and should have definitely respected your privacy and the fact that this was entirely something you should have got to choose to disclose to others or not, I do think its the kind of thing I'd be willing to forgive.

He told his sister who is also going through similar. Think about how much love their is between siblings, he made this mistake out of love for his sister, not some gossipy chat with a random.

As cross and angry as I'd be in your situation, I do think I would get past the anger and be able to move on.

You mentioned your mum & feeling guilty you hadn't spoken to her about your abortion at the time. Do you think you might want to revisit this and chat with her now? Perhaps she could be of some support in this situation?

I would not divorce him but I would not paper over it, either. It doesn't matter if his intentions were good. If he knew you didn't want this information shared, what he could have done is listen to your sister with empathy, then have come home and asked you if you wanted to share your story, and given you a choice. Yes, it happened during his lifetime, but all he did was squirt out semen. You were the one who got pregnant and had to have an abortion. He didn't have to have an abortion. It's YOUR story.

I would not be happy at all. I think you need to let him know that this must not go any further than his sister - damage limitation at least. It’s your private medical information. He should not have disclosed it without speaking to you first.