DH told his sister about my abortion

[JoSummer]

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

Yabu, he said this with good intentions, and presumably it is a decision you made together?

Are you ashamed or convinced some people will judge you negatively -- is that why you want the info kept private?

Well that's a pretty intrusive question to ask a stranger on the internet who has said they do not discuss it with anyone. It's none of our business.

YANBU OP. I think if he has apologised properly- not just in a "sorry you feel that way, now hurry up and stop making me feel bad and move on" way- then I probably would forgive him. But would discuss the ramifications of his blabbing that NewlyGranny has pointed out. Don't be afraid to cry all night to let him know that yes it is a big deal. Get counselling if you want or not if you don't want. I don't think that being shocked, sad and angry that your DH has done this is necessarily proof that you have unresolved issues about it.

BTW, was this conversation in front of you or between your DH and his sister alone? If the former, does his sister know that he has gone home and talked about her potential abortion with you? (By the way, I don't think this "evens the score" or anything just more spewing of personal information around the place).

Did he apologise and understand how he's breached your confidence.? That was your pregnancy, your body your choice your abortion.

How fucking dare he use it to comfort someone else. I'd be furious.

Pressed the wrong button.... Hes trying to comfort her and make her feel less alone and that other people have been through similar like you both as a couple. I think it's wrong to not be able to tell her if he wanted to as yes it's your body both you both went through it together as a couple.

I'd be really upset too op and would feel quite betrayed. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I understand your upset but it would've also affected him too obviously in a different way.
If he doesn't know how you actually felt then I think you should tell him and did you discuss not telling anyone?
He was trying to comfort his sister, He's apologised and can't do anything else, so you need to come to terms with it or leave.

Abortions affect men too.

@Thiswayorthatway Yes, that doesn't mean they shouldn't both agree before something so private and sensitive is shared.

@JoSummer I would say it's pretty clear he meant well, to comfiort his sister etc, but was thoughtless.

That is very wrong of him

YANBU.

As soon as anyone knows about an abortion, they are entitled to voice an opinion on it.

He shouldn’t have told anyone about it without your consent.

@QuentinBunbury

I think YAB a bit U. He probably sees it as a joint decision and was trying to show her that lots of people have done the same as her so she shouldn't feel ashamed. I can see why you are upset if you see it as personal and something you don't talk about but I think its his story too and he wasn't gossiping.

I'm a female and I do agree with this. I don't agree with the "it's your body your choice" train of thought although I think I'm in the minority with that one. Take two to make a baby so should be two to make a decision.

I would be very upset with him too. His sister might also not be expecting him to share her confidence with you either.
Where does it leave you if she changes her mind.

@JoSummer YANBU to be devastated. It’s a huge betrayal of trust and hopefully your SIL won’t share the information.

I was so worried about people discovering my termination that I didn’t tell anyone, not even the father. I’ve never regretted keeping such a huge secret and it made my recovery much easier.

YANBU for feeling angry and betrayed by this. It is clearly a personal and painful memory and one he should not have shared without speaking to you first.

However, I agree with PPs that I don't think he did it to purposely betray you and his immediate concern at the time was to comfort his sister. He shouldn't have done it, but did it with misplaced but good intentions. From the outside looking in I would say it is a forgivable offence, provided you tell him how you feel about it and ask that he does not ever do it again.

*I think YABU. It was a shared experience - it was his baby too and his story to share as well.

And no, I’m not a man.*

I totally agree with this. Also, I hate the assumption that men aren't affected by abortion. If the man is desperate to continue the pregnancy, it's going to be as emotive as a miscarriage for them, with the added emotional turmoil that it was a choice their partner made. Of course that's going to have a huge emotional impact. I'm not saying that was the case here, but either or both parties may find it to be a deep loss, or nothing at all. I don't think we should disregard feeling just because they come from a man.

Agree about counselling. Maybe its time to think about that.
Sometimes having the right person to hear and if you like 'witness' something like this can be very healing. When and where and who makes a difference.

Obviously its painful when you haven't chosen the time or person as in this case. It can make you feel vulnerable when you have kept this in a box marked private and confidential all these years.

It is a violation of trust and he should have known better but we are all human, fallible.

I would feel betrayed. He could have supported his sister without telling her about you.

I would forgive him. If I was in his shoes comforting my sister going through this, I would want to tell her about how I went through a similar thing. He didn't need to, no, and he definitely should not have told her knowing you never wanted to tell anyone. Over time I could forgive him.

does his sister know that he has gone home and talked about her potential abortion with you?

@powershowerforanhour That's a good point. It'd imply that he's not to be trusted with anything private by anyone.

@newnortherner111

I don't think your DH should have told his sister. Indeed unless specifically asked to, I don't think he should have shared the conversation/information about her abortion with you.

This is a very good point. He's potentially broken two women's trust.

Take two to make a baby so should be two to make a decision.

So the woman has to continue with a pregnancy if a man decrees it. Fuck that.

I can see it has raked up upset & turmoil
However it is his lived experience too. His event to empathise about to his sister. He didn’t intend to hurt you or disclose indiscriminately
He can discuss his own experience without seeking permission

"From the outside looking in I would say it is a forgivable offence, provided you tell him how you feel about it and ask that he does not ever do it again"

I worded this badly. It should say provided he understands how upset you feel about it and promises that he will never do it again.

I can understand why you're upset but I think YABU.

@MouldyPotato

Unforgivable

Yup

As long as he only shared his side then YABU I’m afraid, yes it’s your body but it impacted both of you. He has feelings as well

I don't think he meant to over share but to express that he understands. I wouldn't be angry.

This is the sort of thing I might have added if I wanted to be empathetic?