DH told his sister about my abortion

[JoSummer]

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

It was his biological child too, i think personally he has a right to tell whomever he wants about that child. No, he didn't have the procedure, but you both made the child, it was as much a part of him as it was you, you have no idea how deeply he may have felt/still feels about it.

@Lefthousewithpooinhair

Sadly, mental health in men is a really big deal. We should encourage men to be able to express the emotions they have for these experiences. It can be a pretty horrible experience for anyone involved and by asking people to bottle it up, we are just fostering dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

If OP's husband needs to talk about it for his mental health (which doesn't seem like was the situation here) he can talk to a therapist or mental health professional. Not share OP's private experiences with people in their life.

I think YABU op.

@AlmostAJillSandwich

It was his biological child too, i think personally he has a right to tell whomever he wants about that child. No, he didn't have the procedure, but you both made the child, it was as much a part of him as it was you, you have no idea how deeply he may have felt/still feels about it.

This. They may really want it, but generally get no say in whether the baby is kept or not. They are entitled to their feelings, whether they went through the procedure or not. It can still be terrible for them, just in a different way.

@AlmostAJillSandwich

It was his biological child too, i think personally he has a right to tell whomever he wants about that child. No, he didn't have the procedure, but you both made the child, it was as much a part of him as it was you, you have no idea how deeply he may have felt/still feels about it.

wrong

he doesn't get carte blanche to talk about a distressing medical procedure his Wife endured to end a pregnancy.. to anyone he likes..

This is horribly wrong

@Lefthousewithpooinhair

Sadly, mental health in men is a really big deal. We should encourage men to be able to express the emotions they have for these experiences. It can be a pretty horrible experience for anyone involved and by asking people to bottle it up, we are just fostering dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

Then he goes and talks to a professional about it, not blab to his sister. If he felt his sister needed to know, he should have doscussed this with OP first, not tell OP that he'd told his sister as an afterthought.

Professionals keep things confidential. We now have no idea if the sister is going to talk about OP's abortion with other people, beecause it's not clear if the DH asked his sister to keep it confidential.

And OP wanted it kept private. Heer body, her medical prodecure, her right to keep it private.

Completely disagree. I understand where you are coming from OP, the whole situation is rubbish.
But I do also feel sorry for your husband. People are suggesting, in order for him to have any closure I’m on an experience he has also experienced, he must go to a professional and not people in his support network.
It would have been best if he could have discussed it without mentioning your name but ‘I can empathise with you sis cause my wife (who I do not wish to name) also had an abortion’ might give the game away.
It’s important for anyone to talk about experiences which have negatively affected them so it doesn’t destroy them later and I would welcome anyone doing just that.

This wasn't about his mental health, need to talk or closure on his part.

It didn't get too much for him and he had to talk, he decided to use ops private medical details in order to make his sister feel better, and gave absolutely no shit about how it made op feel, as proved by the subsequent lies.

He had no business at all divulging that information without ops permission.

Sure he can share that once he was with someone who had a termination however if should never be mentioned that it was op. That’s her medical info not his.

@user1471604848

Why did he have to involve you in it? Why didn't he just say, in the past a previous girlfriend had an abortion, and not mention you.

Yes, the man does/may have a story to tell about going through an abortion, but he could have left you completely out of "his" story.

This. I'd be furious.

A man has no idea what an abortion feels like. It was your story to tell, or to not tell.

If she was OK with you knowing, he should have told you, and asked you if you felt comfortable getting in touch with her to offer comfort. It wasn't his story.