Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

DH told his sister about my abortion

335 replies

JoSummer · 07/07/2021 17:44

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

OP posts:

Inertia · 07/07/2021 18:46

@MouldyPotato

Would he be OK his sister knowing details about his penis if he needed an op on that?

Or for symmetry, would he be happy if the OP shared details of her husband’s traumatic genital surgery with her brother?

Blinkingheckythump · 07/07/2021 18:47

I don't think yabu to be upset as it's brought all those feelings to the surface again. But I think yabu to think it's not his experience or that he isn't allowed to discuss it. Yes it was your body and ultimately your decision. But it was his baby too and something he experienced, albeit his experience being different to yours.
Fwiw I'm a woman too.

mummyh2016 · 07/07/2021 18:48

I was ready to say he is out of order until I read your post. I think although he should definitely have spoken to you first he had good intentions and I can see why he told her.
The thing that is more troubling for me though is how much the abortion seems to have affected you. I had an abortion 11 years ago and although I occasionally think about how old the child would be now I'm over it as harsh as that sounds. And although I get it will affect people in different ways I really think you should speak to someone about this to try and get some closure

TatianaBis · 07/07/2021 18:48

So he’s never allowed to tell his sister that he once had a baby aborted?
When she is facing an abortion herself?

No, the medical procedure was not his, but the experience most emphatically was.

It would never occur to me to try to control DH’s life to the extent that I dictate that he talk to his sister about his own life event.

You don’t have to tell anyone about it if you don’t want to, if that’s how you want to deal with the experience (I don’t think it’s very healthy but that’s up to you), but you don’t get to control what your DH chooses to disclose to his sister about his own life.

WimpoleHat · 07/07/2021 18:49

I think it’s probably more akin to the OP telling her brother about her DH’s erectile dysfunction when he hadn’t told anyone else; something he’d feel deeply uncomfortable about others knowing.

drpet49 · 07/07/2021 18:49

His story too. His sister. Don't be the kind of person who minimises the feelings of their spouse.

^I agree.

LilacSloth · 07/07/2021 18:49

jinxyminxy

I'm of the same mind as Quentin. It is his story too, and I think you are a bit unreasonable to assume that it wasn't a life event for him. Have you ever spoken to him about it? Your way to cope was to keep it secret. He might use other coping techniques. When I miscarried, it was just as upsetting for my husband, despite it not being his body and I think he'd have every right to share that experience with others, especially to comfort a relative.
I don't think he's done anything wrong. I think it's nice that he's taken the time to comfort and reassure his sister.
I appreciate you feel differntly and I'm sorry but I've no practical advice for how to move on from this if his apology isn't enough.

I agree and I'm not a man either.

Enko · 07/07/2021 18:49

I actually agree with him. It is also his experience if it was something you jointly spoke of and agreed to. Not a physical experience but certainly an emotional one.

For me moving forward I would talk about if this was to be spoken off again. It may well help his sister if she knows this even if it is hard for you to know she is aware.

Not saying your feelings are not valid as I do think they are . I but for me it would not be a leave him it would be a how do we communicate better.

drpet49 · 07/07/2021 18:50

* It would never occur to me to try to control DH’s life to the extent that I dictate that he talk to his sister about his own life event.*

^Also agree with this

millymollymoomoo · 07/07/2021 18:50

I hate the assumption that men are not impacted by abortion. Of course it’s a woman’s body and procedure and ultimately her decision but men can and do feel a sense of loss/what if/guilt etc too, especially if they actually wanted to continue with a pregnancy

I don’t think he should have told but to dismiss this as an event in his life that’s not important or has no consequences to is not right either IMO

It doesnt sound like he was gossiping and I imagine he thought he was trying g to help his sister. I personally think it’s forgivable but you also have a right to be very upset over it

me4real · 07/07/2021 18:51

I agree @JoSummer , he shouldn'tve broken your confidence.

And he claims he couldn't remember that he wasn't supposed to tell anyone, but even if that were so, it's such a private thing that he should've asked if it was ok with you before he shared it.

Not a matter of it being 'his story to tell too,' - if that's going to be shared with anyone you should agree to it before it's done.

Brookes99 · 07/07/2021 18:52

I think YABU, and it seems to me that you are so distraught about it because you haven't dealt with it in all this time, and that you are angry that you 'went through it alone'. He can't be held responsible for that.

I understand you are upset, and feel that he has let you down, but would you rather be with a man who would choose to let his sister carry her burden alone (and feel how you feel now!), and not try to comfort her by sharing yours (and his) experience, or with a man that has acted a bit stupidly but with all the best and caring of intentions. And who has also realised he has upset you and apologised for it!

I think the way forward is for you to think whether you need some counselling to explore it, and help yourself feel less sad about it, but it would seem really extreme to let an innocent, if clumsy and thoughtless, mistake end what seems to be a good and lengthy relationship.

newnortherner111 · 07/07/2021 18:53

I don't think your DH should have told his sister. Indeed unless specifically asked to, I don't think he should have shared the conversation/information about her abortion with you.

Thiswayorthatway · 07/07/2021 18:53

Abortions affect men too.

HereLiveIAmNotACat · 07/07/2021 18:53

I think yabu. Of course an abortion would have affected him too and so although obviously not as much impact on him it is his story too.

He hasn’t spread this maliciously, it’s his sister who obviously is in need of comfort and understanding.

I’ve had an abortion and though I haven’t told many people I couldn’t get annoyed at it being shared in this manner. I assume he didn’t realise you would feel this way and he has since apologised.

Freckers · 07/07/2021 18:53

Awful one to read this as I don't think either of you are BU but it's clearly going to change the course of your relationship in the short term at least.

TatianaBis · 07/07/2021 18:54

The fact that you have felt like you wanted to cry all day indicates to me that the way you chose to deal with it - bottle it up and tell no-one as if it were a shameful secret - has led to a burying of trauma which is unresolved and now exploding.

I’d take this event to spur you to seek some counselling to work through your feelings.

When we tell no-one about a traumatic event it’s almost as if it hasn’t happened - and it can be a way of trying to hold off the experience.

A friend of mine did this when she was raped and it simply led to explosion and breakdown later on.

Rosieposy89 · 07/07/2021 18:54

I think yabu. The abortion is 100% his story too assuming he helped make the pregnancy happen. The abortion impacted on his life too.

KisstheTeapot14 · 07/07/2021 18:55

I can absolutely see why you’re upset. And he should not have done it. The only mitigating factor is that it came from a position of kindness; his sister had confided in him and he was trying to make her feel better. I think I’d impress upon him how upset you are and ask him to impress upon his sister the importance of the utmost confidentiality. And he needs to do this as he’s the one who’s told the secret.
@WimpoleHat

Totally agree.

@toastantea Abortion can be a very traumatic thing to carry around with you. Not always - people and circumstances differ - but for some women. I have been in that position and a part of me will always feel sad even though it may well have been the right thing to do for me and the potential child at the time.

I think it can also affect the father/potential father too. I err on the side that it was OP's story to tell or not, but I can see he made an error of judgement. But its done now. He's not a bad man, only one who made a mistake.

Keepitrealnomists · 07/07/2021 18:55

I can understand why your upset OP but it sounds like he was comforting his sister and trying to explain to hin

IcedSpice · 07/07/2021 18:55

Inertia Wed 07-Jul-21 18:46:31
MouldyPotato

Would he be OK his sister knowing details about his penis if he needed an op on that?

Or for symmetry, would he be happy if the OP shared details of her husband’s traumatic genital surgery with her brother?

So you think an abortion is on the same level as genital surgery? I am 100% pro choice, and it is always the womans choice, but it does take 2 to make a baby.

It doesnt take 2 to require genital surgery

diamondpony80 · 07/07/2021 18:55

I would be REALLY pissed off. And hurt, angry and disappointed.

But he meant well in trying to comfort his sister and is sorry. So I guess eventually I'd have to forgive him and move on. What else is there to do? It's not an LTB situation.

Looubylou · 07/07/2021 18:56

You can't help how you feel, but he did this with good intentions and must have felt you would be OK with that. He needs to be very firm with sister that it is not her information to share with anyone at all. He needs to be clear to check with you before sharing your personal information in future. I do think you are a little unreasonable to say it's not his experience too. He experienced it differently but his experience is still important. Also, as time has passed his feelings may have changed about it as he has matured - if you don't talk about it for instance, how would you both know how it still effects either of you. I think I could personally forgive this, he sounds very caring. How did you find out about his sharing? If he'd thought afterwards, I'd better give OP the heads up, I would consider that positive too.

toastantea · 07/07/2021 18:56

@WimpoleHat

I think it’s probably more akin to the OP telling her brother about her DH’s erectile dysfunction when he hadn’t told anyone else; something he’d feel deeply uncomfortable about others knowing.

Erectile dysfunction is a medical condition. Abortion is a medical choice. Non comparable. I don't think there is a comparable scenario.

ShowMeHow · 07/07/2021 18:56

It’s a very personal thing and he could have easily supported her without sharing this

I would be livid

What personal life event might he share next to help someone feel better

Not a sackable offence but honestly he needs to learn to be discreet

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Swipe left for the next trending thread