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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told his sister about my abortion

335 replies

JoSummer · 07/07/2021 17:44

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

OP posts:
wombat1a · 09/07/2021 12:06

50/50, I bet he now wishes he hadn't said it but it's his sister who needed comforting and b its is his story too. Crap situation, feel sorry for you.

Dillidilly · 09/07/2021 12:28

Whatever happened to confidentiality with regard to medical information?

Youdiditanyway · 09/07/2021 12:41

Humans often show empathy by sharing experiences so if someone is currently feeling a certain way or experiencing a certain situation, we try to relate this to ourselves and our own lives in order to help. You’ve probably noticed this before yourself if you’ve ever turned to someone for help, they’ll often explain what they felt when they went through the same thing. That’s all your DH was doing, he was attempting to comfort your SIL and obviously didn’t realise it would cause such distress particularly since your termination was many years ago.

It does sound as though you have a lot of unresolved trauma associated with the termination, I’d be inclined to seek counselling.

georgarina · 09/07/2021 16:54

@Blossomtoes

I’m not sure why everyone is saying this means you need counselling

Because it’s pretty obvious that there are unresolved issues that are causing OP great pain.

Not wanting someone to share your personal private information doesn't mean it's unresolved.
FindingMeno · 09/07/2021 16:56

I can understand why he divulged that information but he was wrong to, and I'm sorry you are so upset Flowers

ARoseDowntown · 09/07/2021 17:10

Your DH has messed up big time. He’s betrayed your trust.

However, it’s good to keep some perspective. Not saying this is nothing, just that in the grand scheme of life and your family life, this should all be placed in context.

I’m sure things will change, once you’ve both calmed down. But imho, this isn’t a scenario where you separate or divorce. You have DC. You’ll just have to be cautious with him for as long as it takes to feel he’s gained your trust again. It’s an awful way to live, and I’d be resentful of him making me live that way, but what are the alternatives really.

Dillidilly · 09/07/2021 17:18

@georgarina exactly.

And it doesn't actually matter what the medical information might be, or what anyone else thinks about it...there is absolute privacy and confidentiality about all medical information.

spongedog · 09/07/2021 19:16

@Dillidilly

Whatever happened to confidentiality with regard to medical information?
The partner isn't a medical professional - in this capacity anyway. And this is his personal story too. Shared with a close relative not on SKY news. But you carry on fuelling the hysteria.
Dillidilly · 09/07/2021 19:33

@spongedog...hysteria, really?

It may be his 'story', but it was her surgical procedure.

Do you really believe a person has no right to medical privacy, especially when it was expressly agreed that it would be kept private?

Dillidilly · 09/07/2021 19:49

And, why are so many women telling another woman what she should and shouldn't feel about her own abortion?

Wanting to keep it private is a perfectly valid choice, just as is wanting to talk about it openly.

RamItBunty · 09/07/2021 20:27

Conversely, why are so many opining that the man isn’t allowed to disclose the TOP whilst being empathic to his sister
It is His experience too he can disclose it, and his feelings

Lockdownbear · 09/07/2021 20:57

I feel that too that he played a part in the pregnancy and the decision to end it. He must have feelings about it. It would almost be weird for him not to mention it when his sister was talking to him. It sounds like the sister doesn't have much support, maybe she doesn't want to tell her mother either.

Those saying he as no right to discuss, if it was IVF would he still have no right to discuss, as technically its the womans procedure even if its the man who is infertile.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/07/2021 21:44

He can absolutely discuss his feelings and experience.

He did not have to tell her that it was the op who had an abortion.

Lockdownbear · 09/07/2021 22:04

Depending on number of relationships he's had it might be fairly obvious which partner it was.

annacondom · 09/07/2021 22:14

What an awful situation. All I can think is that since it was a long time ago, it's possible he hadn't thought about it for years and forgot that he was supposed to never mention it. This has happened to me before - forgot something was a secret (although not something this serious). Hopefully your SIL will keep her mouth shut if she's not going to tell her family about her own decision. But if anyone says anything to you, just brazen it out "it was a long time ago, right decision at the time" and just refuse to discuss it.

MaryMashedThem · 09/07/2021 22:22

Those saying it wasn't the DH's story to share, does the same apply when a woman has a miscarriage or stillbirth? Is the man supposed to carry his grief (or other feelings) around silently just because it didn't happen to his body? It's disingenuous and unhelpful to suggest abortion only affects women, or to compare it to other medical procedures.

QueenBee52 · 09/07/2021 23:06

@MaryMashedThem

Those saying it wasn't the DH's story to share, does the same apply when a woman has a miscarriage or stillbirth? Is the man supposed to carry his grief (or other feelings) around silently just because it didn't happen to his body? It's disingenuous and unhelpful to suggest abortion only affects women, or to compare it to other medical procedures.
Not comparable ...
Lockdownbear · 09/07/2021 23:39

@MaryMashedThem

Those saying it wasn't the DH's story to share, does the same apply when a woman has a miscarriage or stillbirth? Is the man supposed to carry his grief (or other feelings) around silently just because it didn't happen to his body? It's disingenuous and unhelpful to suggest abortion only affects women, or to compare it to other medical procedures.
I agree with you. OK it wasn't his body but he helped make that baby and he supported the decision, who knows if he really agreed or not he supported it.
QueenBee52 · 09/07/2021 23:50

OK it wasn't his body

correct

billy1966 · 10/07/2021 00:24

@Summersun2020

Oh just fuck OFF with the “it was his experience too”. No it wasn’t. NOT his body, NOT his abortion, NOT his decision to share. Op I’m so so sorry hes betrayed you in this way. I would be so upset.
I couldn't agree with you more.

Jesus Christ give me a break, shared fxxking experience, my arse.🙄

What planet are people on if they think a woman going alone to have an abortion, she never thought she would have, is a shared experience.🙄

I appreciate people have different opinions on MN, but honestly sometimes the level of stupidity expressed is hard to read.🙄

Abortion is not a shared experience.

No I never had one, but you don't have to have had one to know the absolute stupidity of that statement.🙄

OP had an early one and went alone and her indiscreet twat of a husband decided to use HER pain, that SHE bore, to help his sister.

Whatever his intention, he is a prize gobshite OP and you have my very best wishes in getting over it, because I can well understand if a woman would never look at him again the same way.

Definitely consider counselling OP.
I'm so sorry.Flowers

Lefthousewithpooinhair · 10/07/2021 17:15

Sadly, mental health in men is a really big deal. We should encourage men to be able to express the emotions they have for these experiences.
It can be a pretty horrible experience for anyone involved and by asking people to bottle it up, we are just fostering dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

QueenBee52 · 10/07/2021 17:35

@Lefthousewithpooinhair

Sadly, mental health in men is a really big deal. We should encourage men to be able to express the emotions they have for these experiences. It can be a pretty horrible experience for anyone involved and by asking people to bottle it up, we are just fostering dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

He can talk to his WIFE who actually endured the procedure with his full agreement.

3Britnee · 10/07/2021 17:51

@JoSummer

To those saying you wouldn’t be able to forgive - do you mean you’d divorce/ leave over this? Or more that it would bother you forever? I haven’t felt this shaken by something for a long time. I don’t really know what to do.
Let it go. Life is too short.
Skysblue · 10/07/2021 18:18

Yanbu to be very upset.

He didn’t mean to upset you though.

Men are idiots. Bollock him then try to forgive him.

powershowerforanhour · 11/07/2021 00:48

*And, why are so many women telling another woman what she should and shouldn't feel about her own abortion?

Wanting to keep it private is a perfectly valid choice, just as is wanting to talk about it openly.*

Absolutely. OP is not duty bound to be happy to have her own experience offered up as a comfort blanket to somebody else. (I also used to think that rape victims had a moral duty to report to help protect the sisterhood and encourage other victims- I do not feel this way now. It's nice if they do but no woman should feel obliged to sacrifice her own privacy in the service of somebody else).

Also, it's intensely annoying and infantilising to be basically told that you don't know your own mind or that you don't know what's good for you.

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