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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told his sister about my abortion

335 replies

JoSummer · 07/07/2021 17:44

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 07/07/2021 18:27

I don't think people have to forgive so easily. I think that some restitution should be made. There should be evidence that he understands the magnitude of his error.

jinxyminxy · 07/07/2021 18:28

I'm of the same mind as Quentin. It is his story too, and I think you are a bit unreasonable to assume that it wasn't a life event for him. Have you ever spoken to him about it? Your way to cope was to keep it secret. He might use other coping techniques. When I miscarried, it was just as upsetting for my husband, despite it not being his body and I think he'd have every right to share that experience with others, especially to comfort a relative.
I don't think he's done anything wrong. I think it's nice that he's taken the time to comfort and reassure his sister.
I appreciate you feel differntly and I'm sorry but I've no practical advice for how to move on from this if his apology isn't enough.

IcedSpice · 07/07/2021 18:31

I'm personally in the its his story too. You made the decision together, and while he didn't physically go thorough, he did emotionally.

He told his story to his sister, someone close, and not to just random people. I'm sorry you are devastated.

BarbarianMum · 07/07/2021 18:31

If it was nothing to do with him, why did he know about it? I dont think he should have shared without talking to the OP first but he didnt do it casually or with malice and I think the idea that it is nothing to do with him as bizarre.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 18:32

Would he be OK his sister knowing details about his penis if he needed an op on that?

Passingahat · 07/07/2021 18:32

I can totally understand why he told her, and where he was coming from. I can also understand why that makes you feel vulnerable so im glad he has apologised.

seven201 · 07/07/2021 18:33

I think he made an honest mistake. His sister is in the same position and he says he had forgotten it was to remain a secret. It's natural to want to comfort someone and I bet his words did comfort his sister. Ask him to tell his sister that he should not have told her and to please not to share it further. Yes he messed up and hurt you. I hope you can find a way to move on together.

Terhou · 07/07/2021 18:36

I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone

I don't understand this? Yes, he wasn't allowed to come with you, but presumably he was with you both beforehand and afterwards, which was as much as anyone could possibly do at the time.

I’m sorry but it really didn’t feel like a life event for him.

As you aren't him, how can you say that? It wasn't his body, but it was his child, and that's massive.

NewlyGranny · 07/07/2021 18:36

OP, that was intensely private information that had been between you all these years. An apology will never make it confidential again.

Did DH stop to think that you will now be looking at his family members wondering who knows and what they're thinking?

Does he realise you'll be forever wondering what other private and confidential details he's shared or will share with his family over the years without telling you?

He's broken your trust and that's big. He will have to earn it back, if he can. I don't think it's LTB territory, but something important is damaged.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 07/07/2021 18:37

"We" didn't have an abortion, YOU had an abortion and it's 100% unacceptable for him to have shared this information.

What on earth was he thinking?!

fourandnomore · 07/07/2021 18:38

Firstly, I would tell him he needs to tell his sister she must not share that info with anyone at all. Make sure she understands that no one else at all knows and that she shouldn’t have been told. If it’s too late then I honestly don’t think I would deal with the repercussions at all well in terms of the situation of your choices not being respected.
You mention that he said he doesn’t remember you but wanting people to know. I’d use this to open up a conversation about whether he has shared this private info before with anyone. I would be really upset about this too, yanbu.

suggestionsplease1 · 07/07/2021 18:38

It sounds a hugely distressing situation but I have to err on YAB a bit unreasonable. I'd agree with others that it is his story too. Obviously everyone experiences these situations differently. I know a couple who faced the same decision and the husband was devastated and far more traumatised than my friend, his wife. But of course it was ultimately her decision. He still experiences a lot of pain over of it, complicated by religious factors for him.

You seem to be centring the fact that you didn't tell your mother, and this makes the situation worse. Did he prevent you or discourage you from telling your mother at the time?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 07/07/2021 18:39

It wasn't his body, but it was his child, and that's massive.

No

It was massive for the OP to have to go through a painful and unpleasant procedure.

Her DH was not effected because it wasn't "his child", there was no child which is what they both decided

MoiraNotRuby · 07/07/2021 18:39

I would be incandescent with rage. I am even angry on your behalf op.

Gatehouse77 · 07/07/2021 18:39

It wouldn't be an issue for us because I would trust DH to only disclose such information under certain circumstances and with, equally, trusted people.

And that would be equally true for any surgery, MH issue, financial, etc. and not exclusive to an abortion.

And, for us, it would be just as much about his loss as mine. Yes, I'd be the one pregnant or have to go through the surgery to end a pregnancy but it's be just as much his baby. A different experience but the same loss.

Viviennemary · 07/07/2021 18:40

I think he was completely in the wrong to share this. But it's done now and he's apologised.

Terhou · 07/07/2021 18:40

I disagree. If the pregnancy had continued and a child was born, then it would have been his baby. The story about the abortion is about OP's body, OP's pregnancy and OP's medical treatment

I don't think it's open to us as women to disagree, just as it's not open to men to disagree with how women should feel. You simply cannot reasonably claim that a father's role in relation to a termination is always zero.

fourandnomore · 07/07/2021 18:42

Also, people saying it’s a shared experience - I don’t agree when OP says they’d only been together a few months and he didn’t even go with her. Unless there is huge backstory it doesn’t sound like it was on the same level emotionally for them both.

Inertia · 07/07/2021 18:43

I would be furious about the betrayal of trust. It’s not his private medical history he’s shared , it’s yours.

Your need for privacy meant that you missed out on any family support, but the outcome is that you went through it alone only for your trauma to become family gossip for your in-laws.

Middlesboroughgirl · 07/07/2021 18:43

His story too. His sister. Don't be the kind of person who minimises the feelings of their spouse.

UltimateIrritant · 07/07/2021 18:44

His need to share shouldn't top your need for privacy. He should have checked with you first.

Incidentally, he has shared your medical details and has now shared his sisters details with you too! - is his sister ok with you knowing her details?

The man is an arse!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/07/2021 18:44

@Katshouldnotswim

YANBU

Totally understand why it is important to you to not tell anyone.

I would be devastated too.

💐

Same here.

Awful betrayal of trust. You must feel as though you'v been punched!.

Ginger1982 · 07/07/2021 18:45

YANBU to be annoyed but it sounds like he did it with the best intentions. I wouldn't leave over this.

Presumably when you had the abortion it was a joint decision? You said he couldn't come to the clinic because they didn't allow men, not because he didn't want to and you're still together. I think it's unfair to act as though it would have had no impact on him.

toastantea · 07/07/2021 18:45

I think it's a bit extreme to feel distraught over him discussing something that happened many many years tbh.

Lunde · 07/07/2021 18:46

YANBU

i would not be happy if someone shared my confidential medical information without talking to me about it first