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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Grandma using school to get around low contact

289 replies

CrunchyApple3 · 04/07/2021 23:35

To be frank, I don't have a great relationship with my Mum. She's always behaved like she has this weird obsession with my life and that she's entitled to know everything about it. When I was a child living at home, this caused me no end of grief - I couldn't keep a diary, get mail without her opening it, or get changed after a shower without her barging into my room and trying to look at me naked. She would constantly criticise me and try to shame me, I grew up with massive confidence issues from listening to her negative comments about my body. There was some physical abuse too when I was very, very young but the mental stuff was far more damaging to me.

I'm a private person and I don't care for anyone, let alone my nosy Mum to know every detail of my life, and once I left home and started to assert my personal autonomy this caused her to get way more obsessive. The less I shared with her, the more she pushed. Once she even broke into my house while I was on holidays and went through my bedroom, then tried to claim that she was "only try to help" by cleaning it for me while I was away. I was 32 years old at that point! This was the trigger I needed to really set down some boundaries with her and not put up with her crazy anymore.

These have mostly worked and given me some space and peace of mind. While Mum stopped coming to my house whenever she felt like it, she is too proud to outright ask me if I'm up for a visitor, so instead she just does weird things like comes to my house (unannounced, still) and leaves things in my driveway for me to find later. It's bizarre as heck but it's like she's doing it just to have a little power flex? I don't know but I just let it be because pick your battles, I suppose?

I have an 8 year old who is in school. I have continued to keep my mother at arm's length, because over the years she's demonstrated to me that she's not a safe person for my kid to be around. Mum has never been left alone with my daughter, she's never babysat her or had her sleepover. Putting aside the fact that I don't trust her, Mum has some medical conditions that limit her mobility and physical strength. If there was some kind of emergency, I don't think she'd be able to react quickly. So my kid sees grandma once every 2-3 months or so - my partner and I will invite grandma over for dinner or we'll go out for lunch somewhere. The last time we had lunch together, Mum started talking about my daughter's school and asking whether they needed volunteers for the canteen. I told her that it was quite physical work involving needing to lift heavy trays of food out of the oven and that you need to be on your feet for most of the day, so not to worry about it. I wasn't bullshitting her, and she lives an hour away from us so I thought that would be the end of it.

But no, about a fortnight ago I got a message in the school p&c group chat welcoming their newest canteen volunteer - my mother. So I went to the school and spoke to the office staff and canteen manager, and warned them that my daughter was not to be taken out of class by my mother and not to be left alone with her, or allowed to be picked up by her after school. The school said they understood, and they'd send an email out to the teachers to get the message out.

About a week later, I received a phone call from the school principal to let me know that after my Mum's first canteen shift, she'd shown up at the office asking to have my daughter come out of class and see her. The staff member told her that they don't like to interrupt the kid's breaks and Mum left, and the principal said "I don't think she was very happy about it". I thanked her for letting me know and asked to pass along my thanks to the staff members as well.

I am just so tired of my Mum trying to push her way into my life, and trying to do it in ways where she can claim plausible deniability and pretend she's "just trying to help!" and make me out to be unreasonable. AIBU?? I've never told my daughter why she is never left alone with her grandma or babysat etc but maybe it would be reasonable to do so now?

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 04/07/2021 23:41

Don’t tell your daughter. It sounds as if the school are handling it well. Don’t be surprised if she’s not in the job for long.

Notaroadrunner · 04/07/2021 23:41

You need to get her out of the school. She's only there to get access to your dd and that is not something that you want. Tell the principal that your mother is not very involved in your life for good reason and that this is a tactic to get to your dd and you are not happy with her volunteering there.

BunnyRuddington · 04/07/2021 23:42

Sounds like you and the school have dealt with this well, however if she was my M, I'd be stopping the contact. You don't have to see her at all.

GNCQ · 04/07/2021 23:48

Really sorry to hear about all you've gone through, you're doing really well just keeping it together with such invasive behaviour from your DM.

No I wouldn't talk about it with your daughter right now.

She's 8. She'll have a wisdom and perception of her own. Unless your DD comes to you begging to be alone with your DM and asking why not, just don't worry about explaining.

saraclara · 04/07/2021 23:51

@PersonaNonGarter

Don’t tell your daughter. It sounds as if the school are handling it well. Don’t be surprised if she’s not in the job for long.
She is very unlikely to be doing this for long. The schools will almost certainly be horrified that she is potentially going to be a huge problem to them. The fact that the principal called you shows that she is taking this very seriously.

The staff have enough on their hands without having a volunteer who they have to police. They will see this is potentially causing them a safeguarding issue, so they will want her out of the school asap.

SnarkyBag · 04/07/2021 23:54

I wouldn’t tell your dd anything at this point as it may cause her stress knowing her grandmother is at the school and how you feel about her.

I would make it more hassle than it’s worth for the school to have her as a volunteer. I’d follow up on the last incident with a formal email to the head reiterating your expectations that this volunteer has no contact with your child (alone or otherwise!) state that should you be made aware of any further incidences of this volunteer (don’t call her your mother keep it formal) trying to gain access to your child you will escalate the matter to the chair of governors.

ShitPoetryClub · 05/07/2021 00:04

I know this may be very difficult for you but I think you need to raise the issue with your Mum and tell her the reasons that you don't want her to play an influential role in your DDs life. Also tell her that you have reported her to the school and they will not be allowing her to spend time with DD there.
She sounds like someone that you are going yo have to be very blunt with or you will never get through to her.

saraclara · 05/07/2021 00:17

I world ask the principal if she can share with you the school's Code of Conduct for volunteers. You may find they don't have one. If they don't then the principal will worry even more and find a reason why they no longer need her. If they do have a CofC it should cover things like access to children outside their role, so your DM can be pulled up on that if she crosses a line, or sacked very easily.

Original poster
CrunchyApple3 · 05/07/2021 01:12

@PersonaNonGarter

Don’t tell your daughter. It sounds as if the school are handling it well. Don’t be surprised if she’s not in the job for long.
When I first saw that she'd joined, I also thought that she'll quit as soon as she figures out that it's actually hard work and it's a lot of effort for her to have to go to in order to see DD for maybe a minute or two at most. Most of the work is getting the online orders ready, they don't do an open window system at the moment because they don't have enough volunteers to run it.
OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 05/07/2021 01:13

just helping is the sunny side of just controlling

your mother is a living example of this.
she sounds an absolute nightmare, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what you can do legally apart from what you've done already.
the school reacted well, but they really nedd to be sure that every single person in charges knows your situation and never let your mum do anything with your DD.

NessieMcNessface · 05/07/2021 01:18

YADNBU. It makes me feel stressed on your behalf just reading about your experience. Your mother’s behaviour is scarily manipulative and she’s obviously trying to push her way into your daughter’s life in order to gain some control there. I would be very anxious if I were in your shoes to the point that I would even consider moving my child to a different school in order to avoid the situation. However, I realise that this would be a massive overreaction and would not be at all fair on your poor daughter who is probably very happy and settled where she is. So I would speak to your mother, set some clear boundaries and tell her she is never to try to contact your daughter in that way again. Make it clear that if she continues to go against your wishes, you will stop having contact with her completely.

Original poster
CrunchyApple3 · 05/07/2021 01:29

@ShitPoetryClub

I know this may be very difficult for you but I think you need to raise the issue with your Mum and tell her the reasons that you don't want her to play an influential role in your DDs life. Also tell her that you have reported her to the school and they will not be allowing her to spend time with DD there. She sounds like someone that you are going yo have to be very blunt with or you will never get through to her.
I've tried this before. A few months ago Mum confronted me and started crying and carrying on about how she wants us to be closer and doesn't understand how our relationship became the way it is. I told her outright why I don't trust her, and why I don't trust her to be around my kid. Her response was to say that she "acknowledges she's made mistakes" with me but I'm the one at fault because I won't move past the past and just accept that she loves me and DD and tried her best and maybe we should go to therapy together to work out our differences.

She is the kind of person who turns on the waterworks to invoke sympathy from others but I've seen her do it so much that it doesn't work on me anymore. She probably is pretty miserable given that most of our family got tired of her crap and don't have much to do with her anymore, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my mental health or my kid's well-being to make her happy.

So as for being blunt with her, she knows that I don't want her in the canteen and hanging around the school and she decided to do it anyway. I really don't want for the school to have to deal with this sort of drama and it's embarrassing that I have to talk to the principal about this at all :(

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 05/07/2021 01:48

You surely do know YANBU?
Now she’s tried to pull that little trick and it failed, with any luck she won’t last long in the job. But she’s clearly a real problem and I’d be inclined to reduce contact. She’s tried another of her little power flexes, and she’ll do it again.

EwwwCoffee · 05/07/2021 05:46

That stunt would be enough to push me to NC.

endofthelinefinally · 05/07/2021 06:15

You really should meet with the head and the safeguarding lead. This is a potentially harmful situation and the school need to be in no doubt about that.

MouldyPotato · 05/07/2021 06:16

I think you're best bet is to keep following it up with the school. Instead of no contact alone ask that she has zero contact with your daughter as even if she sees her in a group she could start saying stuff to her.

MouldyPotato · 05/07/2021 06:17

And maybe ask to speak to headteacher in person so you know for sure they get how serious this is. I'm surprised they let her volunteer there after your email.

ThatsRight · 05/07/2021 06:35

No advice, but you have my sympathies.

I have concerns about my own DM finding a way into my DC lives (we are pretty much NC), so what your DM is doing is just horrendous.

I thought it would be a good idea
I’m just trying to help
Why won’t you let me love DGC

It’s toxic.

Cowbells · 05/07/2021 06:39

I'd be glad she showed her colours to the school so quickly. Now you know they will get why you were so protective of your daughter. She's not a toy for your mum to play with when she's bored!

I agree, let the school deal with her. She'll get bored/strop and stop volunteering. You sound like you have healthy boundaries in place.

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 05/07/2021 06:41

I would make sure that you always are very visibly grateful for any kind of intervention on the part of the school. I would also make sure that you hit the bloody roof and make a formal complaint if she ever does manage to get to your daughter.

As soon as the school realise what a liability she is, and how much of a pain in the arse all of this is, they will get rid of her. A school dinners volunteer is not worth all of this hassle for them.

ChrissyPlummer · 05/07/2021 06:45

I would have reported her to the police for breaking into my house! Get an alarm/ring and report her for harassment.

As pp say meet with the head and safeguarding lead.

CovidCorvid · 05/07/2021 06:47

I’d be spelling it out to the school why they need to remove her…this is a type of emotional abuse. Controlling behaviour, whatever. If she wants to volunteer she can do it at a school near her, the fact she’s travelling an hour each way speaks volumes about her motives.

RedHelenB · 05/07/2021 06:49

I think on the face of it you are now turning into the controlling one. What actual harm to your child would be caused if she was ever alone with her gran? of course children shouldn't be coming out of classto see friends/ family that work there

AbsolutelyPatsy · 05/07/2021 06:49

that is sad op.
the school have it under control though

ElectricTreeLeaf · 05/07/2021 06:50

The thing is she still has access to your DD, she may be able to see her at lunch. I volunteer in a school and there is a code of conduct booklet that covers expectations plus we have to have done a safeguarding course plus DBS check etc but I can be one on one with children as an LSA/TA.

Your mother is untrustworthy, you really should contact the DSL (designated safeguard lead) which will be detailed in their policies area on the school website, there are policies to cover everything, one of them is safeguarding. I would tell them that she was wholly inappropriate with you as a developing child, no privacy, that she has broken into your house to get access to your life as an adult. They shouldn't have someone like her in their school. She has already demonstrated that tried to gain access to your DD and she lives an hour away, why would she volunteer that far away from her home? Alarm bells should be ringing.

Why are you still allowing yourself and your child contact with her? You have no obligation to her to continue a relationship with her. You need to look into FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that comes from being raised by a parent like this.