Grandma using school to get around low contact

[CrunchyApple3]

To be frank, I don't have a great relationship with my Mum. She's always behaved like she has this weird obsession with my life and that she's entitled to know everything about it. When I was a child living at home, this caused me no end of grief - I couldn't keep a diary, get mail without her opening it, or get changed after a shower without her barging into my room and trying to look at me naked. She would constantly criticise me and try to shame me, I grew up with massive confidence issues from listening to her negative comments about my body. There was some physical abuse too when I was very, very young but the mental stuff was far more damaging to me.

I'm a private person and I don't care for anyone, let alone my nosy Mum to know every detail of my life, and once I left home and started to assert my personal autonomy this caused her to get way more obsessive. The less I shared with her, the more she pushed. Once she even broke into my house while I was on holidays and went through my bedroom, then tried to claim that she was "only try to help" by cleaning it for me while I was away. I was 32 years old at that point! This was the trigger I needed to really set down some boundaries with her and not put up with her crazy anymore.

These have mostly worked and given me some space and peace of mind. While Mum stopped coming to my house whenever she felt like it, she is too proud to outright ask me if I'm up for a visitor, so instead she just does weird things like comes to my house (unannounced, still) and leaves things in my driveway for me to find later. It's bizarre as heck but it's like she's doing it just to have a little power flex? I don't know but I just let it be because pick your battles, I suppose?

I have an 8 year old who is in school. I have continued to keep my mother at arm's length, because over the years she's demonstrated to me that she's not a safe person for my kid to be around. Mum has never been left alone with my daughter, she's never babysat her or had her sleepover. Putting aside the fact that I don't trust her, Mum has some medical conditions that limit her mobility and physical strength. If there was some kind of emergency, I don't think she'd be able to react quickly. So my kid sees grandma once every 2-3 months or so - my partner and I will invite grandma over for dinner or we'll go out for lunch somewhere. The last time we had lunch together, Mum started talking about my daughter's school and asking whether they needed volunteers for the canteen. I told her that it was quite physical work involving needing to lift heavy trays of food out of the oven and that you need to be on your feet for most of the day, so not to worry about it. I wasn't bullshitting her, and she lives an hour away from us so I thought that would be the end of it.

But no, about a fortnight ago I got a message in the school p&c group chat welcoming their newest canteen volunteer - my mother. So I went to the school and spoke to the office staff and canteen manager, and warned them that my daughter was not to be taken out of class by my mother and not to be left alone with her, or allowed to be picked up by her after school. The school said they understood, and they'd send an email out to the teachers to get the message out.

About a week later, I received a phone call from the school principal to let me know that after my Mum's first canteen shift, she'd shown up at the office asking to have my daughter come out of class and see her. The staff member told her that they don't like to interrupt the kid's breaks and Mum left, and the principal said "I don't think she was very happy about it". I thanked her for letting me know and asked to pass along my thanks to the staff members as well.

I am just so tired of my Mum trying to push her way into my life, and trying to do it in ways where she can claim plausible deniability and pretend she's "just trying to help!" and make me out to be unreasonable. AIBU?? I've never told my daughter why she is never left alone with her grandma or babysat etc but maybe it would be reasonable to do so now?

Oh my lord this is like reading about my owm mum. Why do they do the barging in to see you naked thing? I could never understand. I came home once to my diaries pathetically spread out on the kitchen table like police evidence so i knew shed read them and when i was older she tucked my contraception poking out of my drawers. I stopped talking to her for years and she got the picture.

Completely agree with you about the whole 'what about faaaaaaaaaaaaarmily' shite, op. Once you reach 18 its all about who treats you with respect. Blood is not thicker than water. Tell your brother hes not Peggy Mitchell and needs to support you or shut up.

Your brother is delusional. I would be going to the police if necessary. Your mother is unhinged and can not in any way be trusted.

Does your mother know you use this site?

I have a difficult friendship with a mother who behaves in very much the same way with her children and grandchildren. They cycle between non contact and low contact.

She is emotionally abusive and has no boundaries. She acts this way with everyone and refuses to see that it is her at fault. She used to turn up uninvited and refuse to leave.

My friend stalks her family on social media and pretended to be different people to get around blocks and chat to one of her older grandchildren. They recognise her writing style and just block now.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

Does your mother know you use this site?

I have a difficult friendship with a mother who behaves in very much the same way with her children and grandchildren. They cycle between non contact and low contact.

She is emotionally abusive and has no boundaries. She acts this way with everyone and refuses to see that it is her at fault. She used to turn up uninvited and refuse to leave.

My friend stalks her family on social media and pretended to be different people to get around blocks and chat to one of her older grandchildren. They recognise her writing style and just block now.

No, I don't think so. I haven't written anything here that I'd worry about her reading, at any rate.

Like I said to my brother yesterday, I don't know if there's anything she could say or do at this point that would make me reconsider this decision. I've been trying since my kid was born to establish boundaries and communicate to her that I won't put up with her disrespect but nothing improves. Once she brought up going to therapy together so I told her that she could go and explore why she's driven away most of the people in her life but I won't be joining her. I have no idea if she actually went or not.

@Laiste

This might have already been said, if so, sorry. Haven't RTFT.

Given that she is just a volunteer (not actually employed) it would be simple enough for the school to retract their decision to have her onsite.

I'd be asking for that to happen asap, it's a safeguarding issue, they need to deal with it. Their first priority is your DD's welfare, OP, not the sensibilities of their volunteer's.

I agree with poster who said that it's good that she's shown her colours to the school early on. I'd be asking for them to get rid of her. Good luck

That is what I think. It is completely wrong for a school to retain a volunteer who they are now aware has taken the post simply to gain access to a child they are not allowed to contact. I would be asking them to let her go immediately.

@CrunchyApple3

The principal called me a few days ago to inform me that on more than one occasion, mum has approached teachers in the school and asked them to let my daughter know that she wants to see her. That was the straw on the camels back for me. I emailed mum and told her that I am exhausted by her boundary pushing behaviour, and that I don't want to hear from her again.

I feel horrible. My brother and I met and discussed the situation and he said that mum is desperate to see DD more. I said that I am going no contact because I am desperate to keep myself and my kid safe and whenever I ask mum not to do something she does it anyway, and I have given up on trying to make her understand that her lack of respect for reasonable boundaries between us has left me with no other option.

My brother is heartbroken because he is clutching desperately onto this world view that family is everything and you love them no matter what. I know that's a bullshit ideology and I can't change that for him but I do care about him and I'm sad that he's in the position he's in. I feel sad for my mum because it would be miserable to be in her shoes but accept that she is where she is due to the choices she has made.

I'll get therapy. Any tips or books I should read on moving forward after NC?

Sorry just to say I am now astonished that a school would allow a volunteer to stay at the school who is repeatedly approaching staff to give messages to a child or trying to access the child. She should be shown the door asap. As them why she is still there and what is the code on a volunteer repeatedly trying to contact a child at school against the parents express wishes.

I agree therapy for her to explore boundaries would have been a good idea.

But she's gone way past that now. She's driven far to many people away and so now is pushing boundaries to regain control.

If she's just a volunteer do you think the school will rescind her need for services if you requested that?

I also can't understand how the Principal is being so passive about the manipulative behaviour of a volunteer at the same school of a child who needs safeguarding against her.

Why aren't they taking the reports of several teachers on this woman's behaviour enough evidence to see her released from her duties and forbidden access to school grounds in future? 🌹

I'd be speaking to the principal as well, and being very clear that you don't want your mother volunteering at the school and it would be extremely inappropriate for her to continue

I have talked to my friend about her getting therapy to help her understand why she is not getting on with everyone. She is very resistant to go. She initially wanted family therapy so that the therapist would tell them all to be nicer to them as she was their mum. She says the therapist won't tell them off and make them all be nice to her and do what she wants so what's the point. It's all about what she wants and nothing else matters. She has no interest in changing how she does things.

She has shown me the text messages passed between them that lead to cancelled visits and no contact. They are truly awful yet she refuses to publically recognise how bad they are. She then tried to hide the messages where she is rude or being difficult and only show her children's responses - so she recognised it enough to hide from me. I knew as she'd shown a few of the messages to me previously but shown the full conversation the first time. No amount of blunt talking gets through to her.

We used to have a better friendship. As her children got older and moved out she started to get worse. First she started being worse with the children that were still living with her, it was when they'd all left is when she started falling out with her other relatives and friends.

I wonder if your brother is keen to keep you involved so that your mother has you to abuse and to make him less of a target.

@CrunchyApple3 - I hope things have improved for you now that schools are back from their summer holidays.

Have you gone NC or at least VLC with your mother?

Thanks, @LookItsMeAgain. Where I am living, schools went into home learning a few days after I told Mum that I wasn't happy about her behaviour at the school and our city is still in lockdown so my daughter hasn't been back at school yet. My husband commented that since we've gone into lockdown I could have just waited a few more days and not needed to have confronted Mum about the canteen, but that would have just been kicking the can down the road for when things eventually opened back up.

But a few days before lockdown started, I spoke with the principal again who said that he'd gotten further legal advice and that he was ok to tell Mum to leave the premises if I didn't want her there. By then I'd already told Mum not to contact me and she left the group chat for the volunteer group, so it became a non-issue.

I'm doing ok. I've not heard anything from Mum, so that's been peaceful. My brother said he doesn't want to hear from me, so I've been sad about that but it's his choice to make. Therapy is helping, but I think just being home and not having that drama in my life is good.

That's a pity about your brother but you have to look after you and your family so you're doing that.

Keep on keeping on! You're doing the best you can for you and that's all anyone can ask.