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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

388 replies

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 18:45

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit Sad

OP posts:
BramStoker · 04/07/2021 18:49

What was the relationship like between your brother and stepmother?

If your brother felt the same about her that you do then I can understand why you don't want her there

Having said that, if your Dad wants her there then there is not a lot you can do and personally I would be inclined to keep my dignity rather than causing risking a huge drama and further family fall out to keep her away

Mrstamborineman · 04/07/2021 18:51

Of course you not BU.
Do you have her phone number?
Possibly contact her direct. No drama just simple Mum is hurting, we all are. This is not the time or place for you. We can do something another time, placate don’t irritate. This is not about her.
It will be all shades of uncomfortable asking your Dad to tell his wife she is not invited.
Personally I would do it myself.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 18:52

He tolerated her, at best. They had nothing in common and as he worked all over the country at various times he resented having to see her on the rare occasions he got to spend time with Dad.

OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 04/07/2021 18:53

That sounds an awful situation and I'm sorry for your loss.

This is quite hard though, as for your dad, this is his partner of 20 years. It's not a fling or recent separation so I can see why he'd see her as a part of the family and want her there for him.

I can understand why you don't want her there though. It seems a very painful situation for everyone, added to the pain of grief. I don't see an easy solution to this unfortunately.

MouldyPotato · 04/07/2021 18:55

This sounds very tough. I can see why you wouldn't want her there but I can also see why your dad might want his partner of 20 years there to support him as he says goodbye to his son.

Mrstamborineman · 04/07/2021 18:55

Oh jeez I just spotted they were together 20 years! Honestly you need to move on.

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 18:56

Thankyou lovely people, and you’re right bluebird there’s no easy solution. I just don’t want additional bad feeling or people slinging blame and recrimination around, this is horrible enough

OP posts:
How2Help · 04/07/2021 18:57

YANBU in these circumstances I think your Mum’s wishes not to have her there trump your Dad’s wishes, in my opinion.

I would simply say to your Dad that she isn’t welcome and would ask that she respects your wishes and does not come.

I am sorry for your loss, and hope this is resolved quickly to stop any additional pain that you can do without right now.

I also want to say you have no need for any feelings of guilt. I truly believe with alcohol abuse it is never a case of anyone not doing enough, there is almost always nothing that could ever have been done.

Strictly1 · 04/07/2021 18:57

If she has anything about her she will step back. The loss of a child is unbearable. This is not about winning but about being the bigger person. I'd plead to her better nature. Emotions will be high and it's not the time for points to be scored. If it was me - I'd tell my husband he had the support of family and I'd be here when he got back.

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 18:57

It’s not about me moving on, I can tolerate her. My mum is already in agony and having her there will just make it worse

OP posts:
DonLewis · 04/07/2021 18:57

Hmmm, when I asked a similar thing about not wanting someone that had caused enormous hurt to our family to come to a funeral I was told I was a awful witch and that funerals are public events and that you can't stop someone coming.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. But after 20 years, like it or not, she's your dad's emotional support and you're likely to hurt your dad if you do ask her not to come. Your dad has form for hurting your mother, so this obviously isn't something that bothers him.

If you do anything, it's got to be appealing to her directly.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you and your mum can cope if she does come. Maybe have a friend that's been bought up to speed to keep an eye on things? So if it's too much for your mum or something your friend is there to whisk her away home or something?

Flowers
LakieLady · 04/07/2021 18:58

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Your father has suffered a dreadful loss, too. He may need the support of his partner.

Royalbloo · 04/07/2021 18:59

So sorry about your brother but it's been 20yrs...

Hoppinggreen · 04/07/2021 18:59

If she came I would just freeze the bitch out and make sure she knew exactly how welcome she was(nt)

Royalbloo · 04/07/2021 18:59

What would HE want?

Royalbloo · 04/07/2021 19:00

That's what would drive me...

Chamomileteaplease · 04/07/2021 19:00

IMO your father would be very selfish to let his wife come to the funeral.

Surely your mother's feelings are more important than him having another person to support him when he already has others.

MouldyPotato · 04/07/2021 19:01

If I was in the OW's shoes and I knew my husband had other people there to support him I would not go if I was told it would cause your mother upset. Do you think it is him pushing for her to attend or her? If it's your dad you might find a civil but honest discussion with her will help?

VienneseWhirligig · 04/07/2021 19:03

I'm so sorry for your loss. Funerals are very hard at the best of times without family politics, but in this case he is grieving the loss of his son. Who would be flinging recriminations and blame? If its not your dad or your stepmother, then there is no reason not to include her - if it's other members of your family, I'd say it's incumbent on them to behave with dignity. I had members of the family at DH's funeral that in all honesty I wouldn't have wanted there - his ex wife for one, detested by all his siblings - but everyone kept it civil because the occasion was the important thing. I didn't begrudge my step kids the comfort of their mum being there, even though they hadn't much of a relationship with her - she is their family, like your stepmother is your dad's family. There are no easy answers though Flowers

RandomCatGenerator · 04/07/2021 19:03

You dad has suffered a terrible loss, same as your mum. It’s his partner of 20 years. And it’s not up to your mum. It’s totally separate from the divorce.

As gently as possible, YABU. And I am very sorry for your loss.

Sloaneslone · 04/07/2021 19:03

I won't vote because I can't say.

Whatever, has gone on. Your dad has been with this woman 20 years. She is his wife. He has lost his son too and I don't thi k it's unreasonable to say she can't come.

And honestly, after 20 years, your mum should have got over this. They are both parents of you and your brother. Had she had dealt with her feelings around the divorce earlier, this may not have been a big issue, which is overshadowing what's actually going on.

But, its such a dreadful time for you I don't want to tell you, you are bu.

I am so so sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 19:04

Dad is coming round to discuss things tomorrow so will see how things go. My brother wouldn’t have wanted her there as had very little time for her but also would have wanted to please everyone and not cause any upset, I’m stuck between missing him so much as he’s the first person I would have talked to about this and being (very unfairly I know) fucking cross with him that I’m having to try and mediate between them all

OP posts:
Purplealienpuke · 04/07/2021 19:04

From someone who was blamed for people not being invited to my fathers funeral I totally feel for you. The family rift never healed for me despite it being my dads own wishes 😒
Does your mum have a partner?
Sending you all my best wishes, I hope you find a peaceful solution 💐

isadoradancing123 · 04/07/2021 19:04

Why does it seem that your dad is forgiven but she is the villian?

notanothertakeaway · 04/07/2021 19:04

After 20 years, it's v sad that your mother hasn't moved on. But she hasn't. And i would think, in that situation, the hurt to your mum of the SM being there, is probably worse than the hurt to your dad of the SM not being there

So, I'd say SM shouldn't come. But, if it's likely your dad will ignore that, then best to accept it than make a fuss and lose the fight

What a sad situation for you all

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