To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

I’m so so sorry
I don’t think however you have the right to prevent her
It’s going to cause even more pain

After a death we get so caught up in this type of stuff and it’s not worth it

If your dad wants her there that’s his right surely

I’m so sorry , whatever you do don’t create a rift when grieving anyway x

Ahhhh, yes, the male has all the rights, and the women must of course bow down to this and appease him at all costs.

It’s not about gender
It’s just really hard when people die
There is always shit like this
Always
Anyway I’ve read OP and they have reached a compromise
Again I’m so sorry for your loss OP

Your poor mum op. Sounds like she did her best to look after you and your brother. Your dad sounds awful in so many respects. I wish you and your mum leave

Peace not leave!

@EllebellyBeeblebrox
Deepest sympathy to you on the death of your brother.
You sound like a lovely sister and daughter.
Your poor Mum.
Thank you for letting us know what transpired.
The funeral won't be easy for you.

Feel for you OP. You’re grieving and don’t need this on top of it. Your dad has made his choice, so might be better to concentrate on supporting your mum and her supporting you. Your dad can skulk in the back with the OW if that’s what he wants. Look after yourself

Sounds like a good compromise to be honest. Your Mum won't have them near her, she may not even be aware of them really. Your Dad takes a back seat, similar to what he's done once he checked out the marriage. But gets his goodbye and support of his wife. Honestly, he's chosen to not build more bridges in life, so shouldn't expect to play massive role in funeral. Yes his son has died, but when his son was alive and struggling it doesn't sound like he supported him.

It sounds like a reasonable compromise. I feel for you having to deal with this in addition to grieving. I hope that the day goes smoothly.

I have read of the decision if that can be called such. Not the one I would have wanted in your shoes.

However, I hope the funeral can be a fitting way to remember your brother and that somehow you can remember and celebrate the good times and good things in his short life.

I'm sorry this thread has veered so far from the questions OP actually posted and is making assumptions she has already stated are not the case. I'm sure this thread wasn't intended to be a whipping-post for her already long-suffering mother.

The decision has been taken, so I'm late to thread. It would help if more people could realize that actions have consequences and sometimes, when you make your own bed, you have to lie in it. I'm not talking about extra-marital affairs: they happen. But an active involvement in our children's upbringing is something that once a parent relinquishes, they can't get back.

OP, you sound a thoroughly magnanimous, generous-spirted woman - especially given your current state of grief which is never conducive to the clearest of thinking - and the sort of sister (or sister-in-law) I'd have been grateful to have. I'm so sorry about your terrible loss

I’m glad your dad is going. He’s the father of the child. His son. Your brother

Also glad his wife is going to support him

I do think it’s a shame he can’t go to the wake. To speak to people who have memories of his son

How did things work out @EllebellyBeeblebrox ?