To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

@DifficultBloodyWoman And if she can't? The suggesting she 'should be able to' IS victim-blaming!

I don't think YABU at all

Regardless of what people think the mother 'should be able' to do, if she CAN'T, then that's fair enough. She's only human. And if she can't, she can't. We are all different and all cope differently. Just because you could cope with a big betrayal that tore the entire family apart and saw the children have limited contact with their father, for 20 years, doesn't mean OTHERS can. So stop dictating what you think the mother 'should be able' to do.

You know.....on this site when a woman comes on and explains her husband has cheated, has treated her and the children wrong, we all say that the kids will see through the father eventually with time.

It seems the adult children in this scenario HAVE seen through the father, and have seen for themselves what their mother went through.

And the deceased son, and the OP, have made their decisions based on that.

So.... make up your minds. Either the children will 'see and recognise the father's actions and treatment of them and and their mum', and will act accordingly, or not.

They have in this scenario. The deceased rarely saw his father and when he did, his hated SM was hovering around and he had no (according to the OP's posts) true father-son time. He saw the destruction that it did to to his main carer and main parent - his mother. So too, did the OP.

If they don't want the SM there, and neither does the mother, as almost the sole parent/siblings then that's how it should be.

I really wonder just how many on here that are soooo sympathetic to the SM and the dad would feel the same if some woman they detested tore their family apart, was part of the very reason for the deceased's destruction/death would want her there. I bet you anything they wouldn't. But they are unable to empathise or show any human compassion so don't have the ability to put themselves in the OP's shoes.

Forgot to say this is an example of the father's chickens coming home to roost. Children grow up, recognise things, and come to their own opinions based on the father's treatment of him. Thus, the case here. The chickens have come home to roost.

Honestly… I have been left to raise my now adult son on my own since he was almost a toddler, not a university student. It should take a huge amount of effort to keep such grudge for 20 years and also a lot of selfishness to get your children embroiled in such hate to the point if using them as mediators. That behaviour is more damaging than the end of a marriage.

The OP’s mum shouldn’t be imposing such burden and demands on her DD, that is wrong damaging dreadful parenting behaviour. Was she even a nice person before the affair? Toxic parents and all that…

@NeonDreams

There are clearly a lot of homewreckers and OWs on this thread. The victim-blaming of the mother is absolutely disgraceful.

.

It's not victim blaming to say that someone should be able to attend their own child's funeral with their wife of 20 years.

OP's mum doesn't have to speak to her ex or his wife.They do not have to sit together, she won't even have to look at him if she chooses not to.

OP should not be having to mediate this for 2 grown adults. I bet she has been having to do this through her whole childhood if they can't even pull themselves together for a horrific occasion like this, when it should pale into insignificance.

@Bibidy Yes, it IS victim-blaming. You are saying the victim should move on and are suggesting there is something wrong with the victim for not being able to move on (as if everyone can just move on from that).

OP's mother will KNOW she is there, how can she not? As the ex-spouse who is mother to the son not know the wife of the father of her son is there? It's not like as if he will be in the back row, as the father, he will be in the front row, will be taking more of an active part, perhaps even giving the eulogy and mentioning his current wife. You don't get it, do you? He is the father and will be centre to every thing. This isn't an uncle or great aunt. This is the FATHER. And his wife will be beside him.

Regardless of that, considering it is a funeral, considering this is a very sensitive occasion, on this occasion more than anything, the wife should be prepared to take a backseat, her wishes pales into insignificance when you consider the significant occasion this is. It is NOT the time to be testing/pushing boundaries/attempting to mend relationships/forcing herself into the mix. This is a funeral. And at this time of ALL times, now is not the time for her to rock the boat.

Blaming the original wife, and the mother of the deceased for not moving on in the timeframe you think she should does not erase the fact that on such a solemn and significant occasion is NOT the time for the current wife to insinuate herself where she isn't wanted. It really is not the time NOR the place. Now now. Not this time. This is a funeral. Now is not the time for her to be there.

You don't get it, do you? He is the father and will be centre to every thing. This isn't an uncle or great aunt. This is the FATHER. And his wife will be beside him.

I do get it...this is my whole argument!! This is a FATHER who has lost his son just as much as the mother has.

Regardless of that, considering it is a funeral, considering this is a very sensitive occasion, on this occasion more than anything, the wife should be prepared to take a backseat, her wishes pales into insignificance when you consider the significant occasion this is. It is NOT the time to be testing/pushing boundaries/attempting to mend relationships/forcing herself into the mix.

I don't know why you are putting it on the stepmum, I highly doubt it is her wish to be there. I'm sure she'd rather be anywhere else than in a room full of people who clearly hate her. OP said in her first post that it's her dad's wish that his wife is there with him. I think that's totally understandable when he will be facing one of the most difficult days of his life.

Blaming the original wife, and the mother of the deceased for not moving on in the timeframe you think she should does not erase the fact that on such a solemn and significant occasion is NOT the time for the current wife to insinuate herself where she isn't wanted.

I am sorry for OP's mum, she must be in a lot of pain if she's not been able to move on from this break-up in 20 years. But the stepmum is wanted on this occasion. Just because it's by the dad and not the mum doesn't mean it's not valid.

I am not saying I don't understand why she'd rather stepmum was not there though. I do.

Being married for 20 years, 50 years, or 70 years does not change the fact that their happiness is built upon the misery and destruction of another entire family.

I don't think remarriage is the destruction of a family - or is necessarily about misery.

Marriages end. People change. People remarry. Grownups deal with it.

NeonDreams
Just to clarify, the wronged party in a relationship ending due to an affair has the right to be so bitter about the whole thing that they expect their children to change their wedding plans around their bitterness and they get to hold the whole family hostage for decades because they're the victim?

It's one thing for the mother to have never got over the affair, and quite another to emotionally manipulate the whole family for decades.

Oh of course she’s still the ow or home wrecker or whatever. Time passing doesn’t change that.

A murderer is still a murderer even if reformed and 20 years later they where still a murderer. Would you fully trust an ex murderer and be like ah nah that’s the past they haven’t murdered for 20 years. Nope you wouldn’t. And yes I know it’s an extreme example but it’s the same thing deep down someone’s past is still their past.

If she had any respect for the poor soul that’s died she wouldn’t attended as they didn’t like her that’s it simple really. Regardless of the mother or fathers feelings this person did not like them. Such disrespect to attended the funeral of someone who didn’t want to know you. Like one final fuck you i’m in/was in your life weather you like it or not.

I don’t think you understand what victim blaming is @NeonDreams

If my mother was still bitter about my dad for cheating on her after 25 years then there is a fucking problem. (well she might be but she’s never given me the impression she is)

People do need to move on after awful circumstances, I mean I’ve listened to the parents of children murdered on TV and most of them seem to have managed to find some way of dealing with the past.

If you spend your life being angry and bitter about anything that’s happened to you deliberately or not, then the damage to others will be untold, let alone the damage to yourself.

You sound very angry at something in life. And it actually causes you physical harm in the end.

All these years her mum could have met someone else or found real happiness in life on her own. Instead it feels like she blames the OW for everything that’s happened to her.

I think it's weird to imagine that staying together at all costs brings happiness and security to all.

I'm old enough to have been brought up at a time when divorce was less usual - and staying together was felt to be the 'right' thing.. The frequent strain between my parents was terrible to witness. My father would storm out for the day, my mother would cry. Meals were eaten in terrible, tense silence.

Obviously all relationships can go through bad patches - but this was years and years of mutual suffering. Like a Cold War.

They - my mother in particular - would have done much better if they'd separated.

I do appreciate people giving their thoughts on this, so Thankyou all.
Just want to say that no one has asked me to mediate between them, ever. Sometimes I have felt I had to, to minimise any pain or drama, and I have always been protective of my mum. She gave up work when me and my brother were born, and was always at home then caring for us, fitting in cleaning/waitressing jobs around us for extra money. By the time my Dad left he was earning well, and made things very difficult for Mum about money, so although his partner never worked from that day on and he took early retirement, my mum has had to continue to work several jobs for the last 20years, and supported my brother financially when he needed it. So for those saying she is bitter and should get over it, I think I would maybe be bitter in her shoes, rarely being able to have a holiday or treat herself to things but Dad and his new wife being able to spend money on whatever they liked, and holiday several times a year. She had depression after I was born which reared it’s head again when he went, so meeting someone else and moving on simply wasn’t as easy as that.

It sounds difficult certainly.

I suppose there are all sorts of questions about whether your mother received good legal advice when the marriage ended.

For some women when children grow older there is the opportunity to retrain and increase one's earning power.

I suppose there's also a question about the extent to which one supports young people financially - when they're old enough to earn their own living, and if the person who is supporting them is not well off.

Depression is a tough one, but I think it does cloud one's judgement. You can believe that everyone is against you, and that things are hopeless, you never have any luck. That other people, who don't deserve it, are having fun while you suffer etc etc.

It all sounds as if it has been very difficult for you. First and foremost, you must look after your own health and happiness.

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

I do appreciate people giving their thoughts on this, so Thankyou all. Just want to say that no one has asked me to mediate between them, ever. Sometimes I have felt I had to, to minimise any pain or drama, and I have always been protective of my mum. She gave up work when me and my brother were born, and was always at home then caring for us, fitting in cleaning/waitressing jobs around us for extra money. By the time my Dad left he was earning well, and made things very difficult for Mum about money, so although his partner never worked from that day on and he took early retirement, my mum has had to continue to work several jobs for the last 20years, and supported my brother financially when he needed it. So for those saying she is bitter and should get over it, I think I would maybe be bitter in her shoes, rarely being able to have a holiday or treat herself to things but Dad and his new wife being able to spend money on whatever they liked, and holiday several times a year. She had depression after I was born which reared it’s head again when he went, so meeting someone else and moving on simply wasn’t as easy as that.

Your poor mum.

All she tried to do for your brother after being so betrayed by your father is heartbreaking.

Your father is the person who hurt your brother desperately and your mother stepped up as always.

Your father kept her short of money which of course impacted ye all.

No wonder your mother is bitter.

His wife was not someone your brother liked nor cared for.

She has no business near your brothers funeral.

She chose a scummy excuse of a man, father and husband.

Support your mother 100% in this and do not accept an ounce of guff from your father.

He caused your brother huge grief by his selfishness and meanness.

You owe him nothing either.

I'm so sorry for your loss and your poor mother.
Such a hard life she has had.

@Taliskerskye

I don’t think you understand what victim blaming is *@NeonDreams*

If my mother was still bitter about my dad for cheating on her after 25 years then there is a fucking problem. (well she might be but she’s never given me the impression she is)

People do need to move on after awful circumstances, I mean I’ve listened to the parents of children murdered on TV and most of them seem to have managed to find some way of dealing with the past.

If you spend your life being angry and bitter about anything that’s happened to you deliberately or not, then the damage to others will be untold, let alone the damage to yourself.

You sound very angry at something in life. And it actually causes you physical harm in the end.

All these years her mum could have met someone else or found real happiness in life on her own. Instead it feels like she blames the OW for everything that’s happened to her.

I most certainly do understand what it is, I don't think you quite understand what it is. Because what you are doing is victim-blaming, and there is no way around that.

If you don't understand why your mother might be still bitter after 25 years, then yes, you have a fucking problem. It's called a lack of empathy, a lack of human compassion.

And a woman may get over the affair, she may forgive it, but she might never, ever forget it or get past it. And that is fair enough and you need to understand and accept that. She may never get over it, and that is completely normal. The OP's latest post shows well and truly that she understands what her father put her mother through, and understands any bitterness is completely and wholely justified.

@EllebellyBeeblebrox How did the talk go?

Could be 20, 30 or 40 years - I will never forget the moment that I realised my DH was having an affair with a family friend. I will never forget the utter feeling of desolation or betrayal.

I have moved on - new DP and am happier than my EX ( justice!!!) However, I know the day and time that it happened and certain things - song on the radio that was playing, the sun was shining and the DCS were in the garden.

Once a cheat, OW, OM, wanker - always a cheat OW, OM etc.

OP my sympathies on your loss, people have got distracte from the point - your brother has died and he did not like the woman - ergo she should not go to his funeral. Utter hypocrisy if she does and to be honest another kick in the balls to your brother that she matters more to his DF than his own son.

As bogoffmda says "....your brother has died and he did not like the woman - ergo she should not go to his funeral. Utter hypocrisy if she does and to be honest another kick in the balls to your brother that she matters more to his DF than his own son."

If she wants to support her husband let her drop him off to wherever the wake, removal, funeral, crematorium or graveyard will be and collect him afterwards. Be nearby if needs be.

Your mother's heart was broken. Your late brother did not handle the family break up well. Your mother is entitled to grieve her beloved son on her terms.
Family breakdown is so tough on so many.
Some leave their families with little thought for the consequences.
I don't advocate staying in a marriage that is dead. But if there are children do all in your power to make it work.

@NeonDreams

I agree.

Her brother was 14 when her father walked out on his wife and children and then screwed his family financially.

It sounds like he could have been with his first wife nearly 20 years before he decided to cheat on her and his children and then screwed her financially.

What a scummy man.

His wife was left cleaning to keep her children provided for whilst he lived a fine comfortable life.

The OP's father is scum.
His second wife chose to be with a scummy cheat.
His son was devastated by his actions.
No doubt his mother dealt with the fall out of her scummy Ex husbands actions, as she tried to support her son.

Yea I bet she is bitter as she now has to deal with the death of that poor boy.

Yea I bet she is bitter.

Yes billy1966 and as you say she has every right to be bitter. Every single right. I don't believe anyone on here who says they wouldn't be bitter. I honestly don't.

[quote NeonDreams]@EllebellyBeeblebrox How did the talk go?[/quote]
Not too bad Thankyou Neon, he said he understands how difficult it is (nonsense but I let that one go) and he will sit at the back with SM and then leave afterwards and not come to the wake. As others have said I expect the day to be a blur and hopefully mum won’t even notice she is there. She will be sandwiched between me and either my husband or my uncle, and there are enough people aware of the dynamics that if something was brewing we should be able to defuse it. I would far rather he didn’t bring her and sat at the front with us and then spent some time with my brothers friends and the rest of us at the wake, but it’s a compromise of sorts I suppose. Thankyou for your understanding and empathy x

I imagine your mother would prefer him to be far away from her, as well. So long as he keeps a low profile, hopefully all goes well, and your brother's sister and mother can say goodbye and grieve in relative peace.

I am so sorry for the terrible loss, suffered by a loving and involved mother and sister.

I’m with you OP. She shouldn’t come. She must know that she’d be unwelcome at the funeral and unless she’s an utter bitch why would she want to be responsible for causing a scene with grieving relatives? Your dad will have others to support him there.