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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

388 replies

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 18:45

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit Sad

OP posts:
Greenbks · 04/07/2021 20:00

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable for still not wanting her to come with your dad.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for feeling this way tho but it has been 20 years.

gibbertyofah · 04/07/2021 20:00

So sorry for your loss.

Quite honestly if your mum doesn't want her there it's up to her to tell her, or at the very least his sister or his mother.

You do your own grieving and let them sort it out between them.

Basil2021 · 04/07/2021 20:00

Preventing somebody from going to a funeral is far more likely to cause long standing resentment and upset than allowing somebody to come. I can't imagine what your mum is going through, but I don't think its a fair thing for her to ask of your father, who must also be devastated.

Seesawmummadaw · 04/07/2021 20:02

I’m really sorry for your loss.
I don’t know the answer. See what tomorrow brings. Don’t fall out with your father about this, you’re all hurting.

GrandmasCat · 04/07/2021 20:02

And agree with the others, you have your own grief to grieve. If your mum wants to make an issue of that at your brother’s funeral, you may need to be very kind to yourself and step back.

It is not fair they have you as a mediator when you are so sad as well. In fact, they shouldn’t have you as a peace maker at all, that is not fair on you, much less so after 20 years.

Take a step back and leave them to it, this is not a problem you should or can solve yourself.

paddingtonbearmeetsdeadpool · 04/07/2021 20:02

It sounds as if your mother blames her. Shame, blame, guilt have you spoken to your mum about why?

daisymill · 04/07/2021 20:03

Very very gently, yabu.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP Thanks

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/07/2021 20:05

@Chamomileteaplease

IMO your father would be very selfish to let his wife come to the funeral.

Surely your mother's feelings are more important than him having another person to support him when he already has others.

I agree, she had just lost a child so he should be the bigger person and adhere to the wishes of others. If your brother wouldn’t have wanted her there then that’s how it should be imo.
LolaSmiles · 04/07/2021 20:06

I voted YANBU until I realised it's been 20 years and your mother is, by your own admission, bitter and stubborn.
Your last update gives the impression your mother is weaponising the funeral to stick the knife in and score points.

Your predicament is awkward OP, but I would invite your father's wife in your situation. He's lost his son and it's not his fault or his partner's fault that his ex has chosen to remain bitter for 2 decades.

Wanttocry · 04/07/2021 20:06

Unless she is an attention whore she probably wouldn't want to be there knowing she isn't wanted either.

But presumably she is wanted there by the person who matters most to her, her husband.

cauliflowerkorma · 04/07/2021 20:06

Two decades later this seems crazy. He is not unreasonable for wanting his wife of nearly 20 at his sons funeral. Her reason for being there is to support him and not directly related to your brother.

Your mums pain will not change as a result of her coming or not coming. It will do her good to let it go.

Affairs and divorces happen. And life moves on. The good and the bad.

He has lost his son as well.

You are a lovely daughter but do not try and peace keep this nonesense. You have your own grief. It is very selfish for this to be dumped on you.

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 20:07

My brother was (in the words of one of his closest friends recently) “destroyed” when dad left. I had just started at uni so wasn’t at home as much as I wanted to be, so he dealt with a lot of her hurt initially. She definitely wouldn’t blame it all on their separation and the OW/stepmum, he had many demons but I suppose that reason is the most tangible to her. She’s blaming herself more than anyone else though.

OP posts:
thecognoscenti · 04/07/2021 20:08

@2pinkginsplease

I’m so sorry to hear about your brother.

Unfortunately when you have an affair then you suffer the consequences, at this time the consequences are that your dad should be respectful and not bring his wife to the funeral.

No. Bad choices two decades ago should not mean that you are without your wife and life partner at your child's funeral, one of the hardest days of your life.
Wanttocry · 04/07/2021 20:08

I agree, she had just lost a child so he should be the bigger person and adhere to the wishes of others.

He has also lost a child though.

Griefmonster · 04/07/2021 20:08

Oh @EllebellyBeeblebrox if your mum isn't asking you to get involved why are you doing so? Just leave them to it and concentrate on yourself. You are in shock. You are concentrating on something you think you can control when everything else makes no sense.

Do not get involved with your mother and father's issue.

ScaredNotAnxious · 04/07/2021 20:09

@LakieLady

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Your father has suffered a dreadful loss, too. He may need the support of his partner.

I agree with this 100%. Not sure why the entire focus is on OP's DM. Both parents have lost a child and to try to rip away someone's support network and partner of 20 years at the point they need them most is a dreadful thing to do. If OP's DM is more upset focussed on a relationship that ended 20 years ago than about her DS's funeral then that's an issue but not really the fault of the stepmother - at some stage she needs to move on. I think it's unreasonable to not be willing to be in the same room as someone 20 years after "stealing" your husband, I don't think it's unreasonable to want your partner's support when your child dies.
JennieLee · 04/07/2021 20:11

If my husband was in a similar situation because one of my two stepchildren had died he would be inconsolable. As his wife of two decades it would be my duty to give him every support, and I would want to attend the funeral.

Though the circumstances of the ending of his former marriage were quite different, his ex-wife has harboured a similar hostility.

I would offer brief condolences in such a situation, and hope for some basic civility in return.

I am sorry for your loss. I think at this time you need to hold onto your relationship with both parents, despite your mother's hostility to your father.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 04/07/2021 20:12

I think your mum is being totally unreasonable here, 20 years is such a long time and her inability to move on from this after such a long time isn't healthy.
I would encourage my mum to move on and let his wife come to support him.

FantasticButtocks · 04/07/2021 20:12

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

Mum hasn’t asked me to stop her coming. I had them both over for coffee last week to discuss arrangements, the first time they’d been in the same room together since my wedding. Funnily enough they’re on the same page about every other decision for his funeral, but then Mum asked him not to bring her, partly as my brother didn’t like her and he just walked out. He’s coming round tomorrow to try and talk things through, without Mum there though. I suppose I feel I should be the mediator between them and always try to keep them all happy, just never expected this situation Sad

Ah right. Actually then, you can step away from the responsibility of what happens. They are the grieving parents, both of them, and also, it was their marriage. This is not your job to solve.

You cannot make your mother feel better anyway, even by taking this on.

Just step away and let them decide between them.

Poor, poor you being in that position. It's actually your grief that is being made worse by the bitter end of your parents marriage.

Just allow yourself to grieve your brother. That is enough.

If it all kicks off, then the people kicking it off are responsible for that. But most likely both your parents will be so consumed with grief, they may have no appetite for a row.

It's actually you I feel the most sorry for. Thanks

Wynston · 04/07/2021 20:12

I just wanted to send you my love.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/07/2021 20:13

Maybe it's time for forgiveness for everyone, it's been a long time, holding onto hurt doesn't help anyone.
Your DM and Dad marriage is separate on for her DC sake your DM needs to move on.

SnoopyLights · 04/07/2021 20:15

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

You seem to be stuck in the role of mediator / peace keeper between your parents and you know you don't have to do that.

They are adults who can deal with each other.

The problem with being peace keeper is, you keep everyone else's peace except your own and you end up feeling awful as a result.

I don't entirely agree with the people here saying it's been 20 years, get over it. But if you've been peace keeping for 20 years and this is still where you are, it might be time to stop playing that role and leave your parents to work this out alone.

You've given us a (very) short version of your parents nasty divorce. There are some things that people never get over, although they can make their own peace in themselves. They might not reach forgiveness for the other person's sake, but they might reach acceptance for their own sake, if that makes sense. We don't know what your mother had to 'get over' during the break-up of her marriage. Some things leave deep scars.

It doesn't look like your mother has been able to make peace with the end of her marriage or how she was treated, but if she's not able to do so after 20 years, you're not going to manage it for her in the time between now and the funeral.

As someone who has spent years trying to please everyone and feeling miserable for it, please believe me when I say it's such a relief to let go of that role and leave people to fight amongst themselves without you.

RightYesButNo · 04/07/2021 20:15

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

Dad is coming round to discuss things tomorrow so will see how things go. My brother wouldn’t have wanted her there as had very little time for her but also would have wanted to please everyone and not cause any upset, I’m stuck between missing him so much as he’s the first person I would have talked to about this and being (very unfairly I know) fucking cross with him that I’m having to try and mediate between them all
I think this is the most important part, OP: that your brother is the first person you would have talked to about it. Wherever he is now, his problems are over, and he is NOT going to blame you for not pleasing everyone. He would support you, and it’s not your fault. Whatever happens, whatever your parents decide to do as two adults, is not YOUR fault. I know that’s so hard to take in as a people pleaser, but maybe let this be the only good thing to come out your brother’s funeral. For family events for the rest of time, you are fully allowed to say, “Whoever wants to attend, can attend.” Maybe one parent will skip a few events, and then realize that you’re not backing down. You do not have to try to walk an impossible line between your parents from now until when your OWN children are getting married.
queenMab99 · 04/07/2021 20:16

It is complicated, I always blamed my sons poor mental health on my split with his father, which involved my 11 year old son and his school friend as cover for the affair with his friends mother. When he died at 26 from alcoholism, even though I had moved on and had a new partner, it brought back all the anger about their deceitful behaviour, and I felt that I couldn't bear to see her at the funeral. However as other posters have said, it was the least of my sorrows, and even though I knew my son would not have wanted her there, his father would have no other support, and I couldn't stop him coming to his own sons funeral, so I tolerated her.

ChargingBuck · 04/07/2021 20:16

@isadoradancing123

Why does it seem that your dad is forgiven but she is the villian?
Because dad is grieving the death of a son, but she isn't?