Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

388 replies

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 18:45

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit Sad

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/07/2021 19:27

Your father has lost a child. The same as your mother.

Planty13 · 04/07/2021 19:27

Honestly as it has been nearly 20 years I think YABU. It’s not about you or your mother. It’s about paying your respects. I’m sure she will be a big support to your father in this time and will be grieving herself.

Calmdown14 · 04/07/2021 19:28

Honestly, if ever there is a time to realise life is too short for grudges like this, now is it.
I speak as someone coming from your position but I think that after 20 years you are being quite unfair.
What he did was terrible but he clearly cares for her and made a choice. The fact you were older suggests he possibly waited in an unhappy marriage for your sake.
Is there not a way the two halves on the family can sit on opposite sides so there is no direct contact?
How would you feel if asked to do this without your partner? If you are okay with that then maybe family at front and partners further back. But realistically, you probably all need a hand to hold

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 19:29

I had hoped this would make people realise that life is too short to hold on to shit like this. Doesn’t seem so with my lot Sad

OP posts:
Doghead · 04/07/2021 19:29

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

Thankyou lovely people, and you’re right bluebird there’s no easy solution. I just don’t want additional bad feeling or people slinging blame and recrimination around, this is horrible enough
This will only happen if you (and other family members) make it happen. You're all adults I assume.....is it really that hard to get through a few hours without slinging mud?

Your father is absolutely entitled to have his partner of 20 years be his side.

rossloass · 04/07/2021 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Floralnomad · 04/07/2021 19:30

My initial instinct is she should stay away , but as people have said it’s been 20 yrs and really your mothers issue that she hasn’t got on with her life . Have you never come up against this problem with children’s birthday parties etc where they all 3 want to be in attendance ? Sorry for your loss but I think it’s right that your stepmum be there to support her husband .

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 19:31

We are all adults, and I would not even think about making a scene or detracting from my brother’s memory. I’m trying to support both of them

OP posts:
Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 19:32

The only other time this was a potential issue was my wedding, when he came without her.

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 04/07/2021 19:32

rossloass I think you meant to start your own new thread, message mumsnet and ask them to move it.

OP i am so dreadfully sorry for your loss and grief 💐

hashbrownsandwich · 04/07/2021 19:33

It's not about your feelings, your mums feelings or your dads feelings. It's about what your brother would have wanted. If he wouldn't appreciate her being there, then you need to be honest, for his sake.

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 04/07/2021 19:33

I think after 20 years you all need to get over it - the fact she was the OW a generation ago is irrelevant now, she's your dad's wife and has been for a long time, he will want her there.

Doghead · 04/07/2021 19:34

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

We are all adults, and I would not even think about making a scene or detracting from my brother’s memory. I’m trying to support both of them
The best way to support your father would be to allow him to have his wife by his side. Your mother needs to accept it unfortunately. I know she's hurting, but banishing your father's wife isn't going to change that.
drpet49 · 04/07/2021 19:34

* Why does it seem that your dad is forgiven but she is the villian?*

^This. Your dad split the family up. Your dad betrayed your mum.

Sciurus83 · 04/07/2021 19:35

Hmm yes I think this is a bit different to a wedding. Your father has lost a son and it isn't unreasonable to want his wife of 20 years there. So very hard for your mother, but I think that is where it is

chaosrabbitland · 04/07/2021 19:36

i know its been 20 years now your dads been married to her , but given it was an affair , your mum was shattered by it ,i think hed have the sense not to bring her , it sounds as if in all those years shes never fitted or been accepeted into the family because of the pain caused as in you and your brother only tolerated her .. it seems so pointless her being there unless its as a prop for you dad , unless shes really thick skinned she must have sensed you and your bruv never warmed to her so why she would even want to be there anyway i dont know . your dad will have you and the rest of the family who were close to his son there i think honestly he should be able to cope for one day without her

anon12345678901 · 04/07/2021 19:37

I'm sorry YABU. She is his wife of 20 years, the circumstances were bad as to how they got together but your mother needs to move on. She's still holding on to bitterness which isn't healthy. Your dad is just as entitled to have someone to support him as your mum would be. They don't have to sit next to each other but it is fair that he brings her. He lost his child too.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 04/07/2021 19:39

he came without his wife to your wedding? because of your dm?

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 19:40

Yes, at my request as I knew it would have caused upset and drama.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 04/07/2021 19:40

As its been 20 years your dad has a right to have his wife there. Both your parents have lost a child and they are both entitled to have people at the funeral who will support them best.

Saying that unfortunately if you think one of your parents may kick off at the other one then you need to find someone trusted e.g. extended family member or close friend who will be at the funeral to ensure they are kept separated from each other at all times.

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 19:41

I have already designated some “minders” to make sure they don’t cross paths with each other at the wake. I am aware this sounds fucking ridiculous.

OP posts:
tony68 · 04/07/2021 19:42

Yanbu. I love my dad, but my loyalty is with my mother because he's a cunt. If this was my funeral I would want my mother to have the easiest day possible, your dad can go home and have support from his wife, as you said your mother has an empty home. Your dad can have support off his wife for
The next 20 years, it's only a twenty minute service, and he has his other children there to support him.

BobLemon · 04/07/2021 19:43

I wish there was a gentle way to say this… but…

This is your DM’s problem if she hasn’t moved on. And the problem should go no further than her. Your DM really should, as you say, now realise that life is too short to hang on to upset!

But it will surely cause upset if you act on her problem and ask your SDM to be absent.

Your DM is close to letting her own issues affect your DB’s life AND his death. Why is your DM more important than him?

BobLemon · 04/07/2021 19:44

Oh gosh, just seen your latest post. Shame on your DM for making your DB’s funeral about her.

Blossomtoes · 04/07/2021 19:45

@hashbrownsandwich

It's not about your feelings, your mums feelings or your dads feelings. It's about what your brother would have wanted. If he wouldn't appreciate her being there, then you need to be honest, for his sake.
I don’t agree. Funerals are for the living.