Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

388 replies

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 18:45

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit Sad

OP posts:
Aprilx · 04/07/2021 19:05

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

It’s not about me moving on, I can tolerate her. My mum is already in agony and having her there will just make it worse
Your dad is in agony too. I think if he needs his partner there he should be allowed that.
IDontReadEyebrows · 04/07/2021 19:07

In an ideal world your dad wouldn’t bring her but then again, his son has died and on the face of it, he could do with her support.

I’m so sorry for your loss and your poor mum. Out of interest has she ever had counselling to get over her nasty split with your dad? For her own sake she needs to find a way to move on from it. That’s separate to this of course.

orangejuicer · 04/07/2021 19:07

Is there a way for her to be there for part of it and be a bit inconspicuous? I think there is a balance to be struck here. She is your dad's partner of 20 years.

notanothertakeaway · 04/07/2021 19:07

@isadoradancing123

Why does it seem that your dad is forgiven but she is the villian?
Because it's always easier to blame the outsider than criticise your own blood relative
orangejuicer · 04/07/2021 19:08

I've just realised a few of us are saying partner when she is actually his wife. I think he has every right to bring her.

TheSockMonster · 04/07/2021 19:09

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am guessing your Dad’s wife probably feels very uncomfortable and is going at your Dad’s request as he feels he needs her support. I do agree that the right thing would be for her to stay away, but suspect she will do whatever her grieving husband asks of her. I wish I had some useful suggestions or ideas, but I’m afraid I don’t Sad

Please give yourself permission to let go of the guilt you are carrying. I promise you that your brother isn’t dead because of something you did or didn’t do. Unfortunately, people aren’t so easy to ‘fix’.

wusbanker · 04/07/2021 19:14

Why is she regarded as evil and yet your dad has got off scot free? He's the one who cheated and upset your mother.

burnoutbabe · 04/07/2021 19:14

If she doesn't come then I assume you won't sit with your dad? You'd sit with your mum probably and he'd be sat on his own?

So having her there is easier for you as you don't have to support him, can focus on your mum (unless there are other siblings who would be with him on the day?)

Willowowisp · 04/07/2021 19:14

Why not speak to her directly and explain that it will be hard for your family. She might be happy to not come if she thinks it will make it awkward.

ElspethFlashman · 04/07/2021 19:15

YABU.

I have also been married almost 20 years. I cannot imagine going through something like that without my spouse beside me.

TourdeTarte · 04/07/2021 19:16

I would personally tell her that her presence is not wanted, and to attend the funeral would be enormously adding to the pain of the family.

ChristinaXYZ · 04/07/2021 19:21

@LakieLady

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Your father has suffered a dreadful loss, too. He may need the support of his partner.

I really don't see how you can ask her to stay away. You'll cause more hurt in the long run. You don't have to sit with her and your focus will be on your brother and helping your mum surely? She's your Dad's wife and it has been 20 years. I think you've no choice.
Divebar2021 · 04/07/2021 19:22

His child has died and this is the issue that’s worrying the family. I’m sorry your DM hasn’t got over it but it’s been 20 years. I don’t think it’s fair your dad can’t have his wife there because your family can’t move on. Sorry about your brother.

muddyford · 04/07/2021 19:23

I think your father needs his wife alongside him. If she doesn't want to go that a different thing between the two of them.

Josette77 · 04/07/2021 19:23

20 years. My father is a serial cheater. I think your mom needs to let this go.

KihoBebiluPute · 04/07/2021 19:24

Really sorry for your loss Flowers

There is no easy path through the horrendous grief you will all be experiencing.

No possible solution leaves people ok. There is going to be ill feeling and heartbreak no matter what. You and your mum aren't going to feel any better from making your dad get through the funeral of his son without the support of his partner of 20 years. She doesn't need to be overt, she can be asked gently to keep her presence as quiet and discrete as possible out of sensitivity to the mourners to whom her presence will be painful. If she doesn't readily agree to that then obviously think again but most people would understand and agree.

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 19:24

If she doesn’t come I would sit between my mum and dad and be there for them both. I have never entirely forgiven him for the hurt he caused, if Mum had met someone else and was happy it would be different. I appreciate that he is hurting as much as my mum, but she has been going home to an empty house every night since we found out, with my brother’s belongings and clothes still in, Dad has someone there to support him all the time. I’m probably not making much sense as not really been sleeping! I accept that after 20years Mum should have moved on, but she is stubborn as well as bitter and unhappy.

OP posts:
Melitza · 04/07/2021 19:24

It’s a dreadful situation.
I think in your place I would tell my stepmum that you acknowledge her wish to be their for your df but for your dm’s sake could she just attend the service and then leave.
Your dm’s decision in this case should be respected although she ought to have moved on years ago.

notanothertakeaway · 04/07/2021 19:25

@orangejuicer

Is there a way for her to be there for part of it and be a bit inconspicuous? I think there is a balance to be struck here. She is your dad's partner of 20 years.
I had a slightly similar situation. The OW / now wife drove her DH to the service, waited outside for him in the car, and took him home afterwards. But he wasn't a key player in the family, so it was OK for him to not go to the wake
AbsolutelyPatsy · 04/07/2021 19:25

i am sorry for your loss Thanks

your step mother will be there to support your father.

it will be ok op

Blossomtoes · 04/07/2021 19:25

So very sorry for your loss. I lost my brother when he was 21 so have an inkling of what you’re going through. It’s shit.

Thing is the funeral will be very tough and, if you’re anything like me, you won’t notice who is or isn’t there. I was kind of on automatic pilot and at one point my only concern was helping my dad stay upright.

I can’t imagine that anything could make it worse for your mum but it might make it better for your dad to have his wife to support him. I hope it goes as well as these things can. 💐

Original poster
EllebellyBeeblebrox · 04/07/2021 19:25

Thankyou all for your thoughts, they are appreciated.

OP posts:
gingerscot · 04/07/2021 19:26

We’ve had a similar situation recently, although it was with my very close cousins. I pointed out that we wanted the funeral to be remembered as a lovely celebration of life, and for people to talk it about it years later as being the best way to say goodbye.

We didn’t want people to remember drama, who said the wrong thing, a source of gossip. So to me, whichever outcome achieves the “best” funeral is the way to appeal to those who are struggling.

I’m so very sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with this on top. I hope you have support too 💐

Elys3 · 04/07/2021 19:26

Sorry for your loss Flowers

It is a difficult one. I would imagine your Dad will want to bring his wife of 20 years, and in more usual circumstances this would be expected. Do you have enough of a relationship with you step mother to talk to her directly about it?

AbsolutelyPatsy · 04/07/2021 19:27

i should imagine you will all be feeling numb
let your df bring his wife.

Swipe left for the next trending thread