To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

And your wedding for that matter!

Firstly let me say, I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. It must be an incredibly hard and emotional time all round.

With all the love in the world OP, if everyone is ok with your dad being there - and you say you have to tolerate her to see your dad - then you’ve clearly all forgiven him so why after 20 years has nobody moved on re the OW too?

Look at the royals and how they welcomed Camilla into their family - she was hated at the time, but she clearly makes Charles happy so everyone has moved on and let bygones be bygones.

I appreciate you’re all devastated about your brother, but your dad will want his partner there to support him. Funerals are for everyone to pay their respects, and if that includes your SM then she should be allowed to do that, but mainly for your dads sake more than her own, she should be allowed to come and support him.

I know it’s easier to pin all the pain onto her instead of him, but it’s really not healthy after this long for you to all still be so bitter about this.

My DP was cheated on by his ex but for the sake of their DCs they are friendly, spend Xmas and birthdays together with their kids and are both happily settled with other people now. The cheating is water under the bridge. The more important thing is the impact on the kids and wider family when ex partners make everything about them. This is about your brother, not about your mum and dads marriage and they all need to be able to park their own issues for this one day and allow each other to grieve in the way they need to.

I don’t feel she’s making it about her, she’s heartbroken and feeling hopelessly guilty about his death and just lashing out I think.

It's far from ideal but with it being a 20 year relationship I don't think you can really refuse to let her come. There's always two sides to chapels, they can sit either side. Your dad did a horrible thing to your mum but 20 years later it's not his fault she hasn't moved on.

It doesn’t help that when it comes to family I am a pathetic people pleaser and try to keep everyone happy all the time, which is impossible.

I agree with PP, he should be able to bring his wife of 20 years to support him when his son has died. This is your mother's problem really and she (and you) need to move on.

. My mum never forgave or got over my dad and it was just shit being the child of that relationship. I wasn't allowed him at my wedding, and she was vile to me when I went to his funeral. I got fed so much crap about him, I hated him for many years on the basis of what she told me, but actually it wasn't that simple and there were of course 2 sides. And in fact he was my dad, not my husband.

I'm sorry for your loss

She's been angry for 20 years and it sounds like you and your brother have tried to protect her. She is an adult. You are not responsible for her feelings.

Very sorry for your devastating loss

A different way to look at it might be that the worst possible thing has already happened to your mum, she has lost her child and nothing can make that worse.

She may think it will be worse if your dad's wife is present, but it's going to be such agony anyway her presence may not have any impact.

Your dad has also lost his child, and if he needs the support of his wife to get through the funeral that seems fair enough. It's not actually his fault that your mum didn't get a new partner.

Does it need to be up to you to sort? I'll have to read your OP again as I can't now remember if your mum has actually asked you to stop his wife from coming, or if it's something you are assuming you need to do.

Yanbu. I wouldn't want her there either.
I'm really sorry about your Dbro, he was so young.

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

I had hoped this would make people realise that life is too short to hold on to shit like this. Doesn’t seem so with my lot

You could inadvertently be enabling this drama by walking on eggshells and attempting to control their behavior.

Are you their only surviving child? If so I would request that they both put down their weapons and bury their son with dignity for your sake.

Yes your DF did wrong 20 years ago - but is it possible that your “bitter and stubborn” mother was always of this temperament before the split and behaving like this for a further 20 years makes her difficult and has roped you into doing her bidding?

I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother OP & that you’re having to deal with this additional stress on top of your grief. I have a very similar situation with my parents (split in my teens due to an affair, he married her & now been together 20 yrs). Unfortunately, as the ‘child’ in the middle you often end up playing the mediator between hurt mother & (in my case at least) oblivious father. It’s very unfair & the posters saying your mother should have ‘got over it by now’ are not particularly helpful as you have to deal with the situation as it is, rather than how you’d like it to be. I hope your dad’s wife has the sensitivity to stay away or at least keep a low profile on the day so that saying goodbye to your brother can be the focus & not additional drama. My deepest sympathy and best wishes.

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

I don’t feel she’s making it about her, she’s heartbroken and feeling hopelessly guilty about his death and just lashing out I think.

But you had to exclude your stepmother from your wedding, when your mother wasn't heartbroken or grief stricken.

It sounds like she is well used to everyone accommodating her in this regard and has grown to expect it as her right over the course of 20 (!) years.

I think you shouldn't waste any more headspace on this. You have lost your brother. Your focus should not have to be on worrying about whether your mother has a tantrum at the funeral.

I am really sorry for your loss.

At 20 years though you all need to move on from this.

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

The only other time this was a potential issue was my wedding, when he came without her.

That’s so sad for him. Should have been a happy and proud day for a dad, walking you down the aisle etc but he had to be reminded like a naughty dog who’s peed on the rug, about his own infidelity by having his partner banished, rather than being able to enjoy it with her.

I don’t want to kick you while you’re down OP, but you get one life - as you’re only too aware right now - and ALL of you are carrying around this huge burden from some poor choices he made 20 YEARS AGO!!

If he dies next week will you all feel better about the fact that his partner wasn’t around for some of the biggest days of his life? Will you expect her to avoid his funeral too?

You all need to learn to let this go somehow because it’s been eating you up for long enough and potentially caused the premature death of your brother. How many more lives will you all let it ruin?

I think this is one of the consequences of cheating on your wife. Even if they were together for 20 years she isn't welcome at the funeral. Unless she is an attention whore she probably wouldn't want to be there knowing she isn't wanted either. I guess your dad will have to do whats vest for everyone else on this one.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I also understand that it can be good to have someone or something to feel angry about in this situation. But this shouldn't be about her. Your dad cheated on his wife, which was terrible. However they've been together ever since, you don't know the ins and outs of his and your mum's relationship beforehand, and if your mum has still not recovered 20 years after a divorce, and is now putting you in the middle of this when you should be mourning your brother, then frankly she's made her own negative choices there too.

If your brother had hated her and blamed the divorce for his MH issues, then maybe I'd see the reason. But funerals aren't as much about the people who are left as about the person who has died, and your parent has a right to have his partner of 20 years with him.

I hope it goes as well as possible and you are able to focus on your brother and yourself and let this pass you by.

@isadoradancing123

Why does it seem that your dad is forgiven but she is the villian?

This. Your Dad is in agony too, he probably needs her there. It’s been twenty years, she’s his life partner. I’m so sorry for your loss, you really don’t need all this extra grief. There’s no easy solution is there ?

I think YABU - he wants his wife, his partner of two decades (over half your life) to be there and support him through one of the worst experiences of his life. I understand your mum was devastated about the affair and is again going through something heartbreaking, but it has been twenty years. And I do think after this long it is unreasonable for her to expect everyone to bend to her will with regards to your fathers relationship. She got her way with your wedding but cannot continue to expect everyone to dance to her tune about something that happened twenty years ago. I know this sounds cruel, and it is absolutely not the right time at all to say something like this to her. But you've admitted yourself that the situation is ridiculous and if something like this (hopefully not a funeral!) occurs again you'd be within your rights to gently call her out.

And to be blunt it is neither your father, nor his wife's fault your mother has been unable to move on in the decades since the affair and divorce. They are not to blame for her having to go home to an empty house, nor are they to blame for her not having a partner. She is the only one who can help herself move on, and frankly I don't think banning her ex-husband's affair partner, and decades long wife from family functions, is going to help her do that

@EllebellyBeeblebrox I am so sorry your brother has died. Your situation is very familiar to me. I had a very similar situation with my sibling's funeral.

My advice would be to step back and tell your DM and DF that they will need to discuss it and decide. I suspect this will be very hard for you as you will be used to protecting your DM to some extent from your DF. I hope I'm wrong I dearly wish my parents had stepped up and been the adults they should have been when they first divorced in order to prevent the pain and shock of my sibling's sudden death being overshadowed by their nonsense. And as with you, my sibling was the only person who truly understood how ridiculous they both were. All I wanted was to be able to roll eyes with them and laugh at their silliness. Instead my DF used the situation as an excuse to reach peak passive aggression

A lot depends on what your DF and step mother are like. Can they be adult about this? Can they be kind, compassionate and careful with your mum? Can your DF's wife respect your DMs pain and allow the 2 parents to acknowledge each other.

In my situation, there was no question my father's wife had to be invited. And my DM understood this although she hates them. My DMs pain about my DF and his wife was completely overshadowed by her devastation at her child's death. All she wanted was to be able to speak to my DF and acknowledge their shared grief. But my father and his wife while "behaving" during the funeral and wake, blanked me and my mother and have never spoken to me since. Apart from a tirade from my father accusing me of cutting them out of arrangements (it wasn't true. My sibling's spouse had arranged everything ).

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

It doesn’t help that when it comes to family I am a pathetic people pleaser and try to keep everyone happy all the time, which is impossible.

Maybe this is the time to start letting go of the people pleasing instinct? Not to be droll, but when better a time than at a funeral, when everyone's going to be as miserable as sin and you have zero chance of keeping ANYONE happy?

Mum hasn’t asked me to stop her coming. I had them both over for coffee last week to discuss arrangements, the first time they’d been in the same room together since my wedding. Funnily enough they’re on the same page about every other decision for his funeral, but then Mum asked him not to bring her, partly as my brother didn’t like her and he just walked out. He’s coming round tomorrow to try and talk things through, without Mum there though. I suppose I feel I should be the mediator between them and always try to keep them all happy, just never expected this situation

I am sorry for your loss and YANBU. This funeral is a family affair. The women your father married is not your family. She is not wanted at the funeral - just like your wedding. Make sure your father is aware. He would being very unkind to insist she comes.

Jesus… it is a though one, I understand about the pain of your mum but it has been twenty years. Do you realise she has now, after 20 years, the power to influence your dad to stop spending time with you and your kids if you insult her in such way?

It is very easy, as simple as saying you are not welcome at their house and refusing to travel with your dad to see you. It comes a time that older people don’t want to be inconvenienced with travelling on their own.

If I were you I would reassure your mum that you will be there for her and pray that your dad’s other half decides that is better for you and your mum if she doesn’t come. I wouldn’t be surprised if she decides that without prompting or pressure from you.

I am really sorry for your loss and the obvious pain you have lived with for a long time with an alcoholic sibling.

You have your own emotional wounds to heal from the shocking and sudden loss of your sibling, years of his addiction, the break up of your family and your DM inability to move on .... and possibly an unhappy family home before that ..... make sure that you look out for yourself, your grief and recovery so that you can be the best wife and mother (if you have DC) rather than getting drained and sucked into the futile dramas of others.

I hope that you can find room for your own devastation here as well.

I’m so sorry to hear about your brother.

Unfortunately when you have an affair then you suffer the consequences, at this time the consequences are that your dad should be respectful and not bring his wife to the funeral.